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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for money when you've given somebody something - I know you are all going to tell me IABU

65 replies

UndomesticBlonde · 17/07/2017 10:32

Basically spent £70 on some ballet patent shoes. They ended up being too tight which I only discovered when I was walking in them. So after gathering dust for two years i put a post on my FB page asking friends if any were interested. A couple were including someone I work with. Anyway I brought them into the office for her to try on. Turns out they are too big but with an insole fit perfectly. At no point does friend offer money, I know she's going to try and get away with not paying for them. Even though she knows how close to the bone I am financially (although not for long as my DH who was made redundant now has a job starting September). She texts me on Friday saying how much do I want for them - several days after she's had them. I say - no worries no need to pay. Thinking she may offer something anything. I have £3 in my account and back in the office could now kick myself. I should have been straighter with her. If It makes any difference if it were me (and I have done) I would have offered money and just given it to them. I need to remember that no everyone is like that! Aaaarghhhh! I've got to leave it now but need someone to tell it to me straight not to be such a fool in future..By the way I think she sold her pair of similar shoes to another lady in the office...I think this is what grates me...

OP posts:
GallopingAss · 17/07/2017 10:34

Er you told her not to pay. YABU.

iamUberA · 17/07/2017 10:35

You told her not to pay...
she asked you how much and you said she could have them.
She's not going to beg you to please take some money is she!

GallopingAss · 17/07/2017 10:35

'No need to pay' is an entirely umbiguous 'these are a gift' statement. You've been a fool, sorry. Say what you mean in future.

Iruka · 17/07/2017 10:36

Unfortunately I think once you have said 'no need to pay' you can't go back and ask for money without looking weird.

It would not have been a problem to ask for the money when she texted you. I would have mentioned a sum before I brought them in for her so she could have said no straight away.
I also think there is too much emphasis on politeness especially for women. Manners are good but not when it ends up with people afraid to ask for stuff they should get for worry of seeming rude. Sad

Original poster
UndomesticBlonde · 17/07/2017 10:37

I know - I'm told - I know I should have asked. Why did I not!!!???

OP posts:
Transparentspiderbabies · 17/07/2017 10:37

You told her not to pay. And did u mention in your Facebook post that you wanted money for them. You can't give someone something, then get annoyed because you didn't get any money for them. Sorry

Passmethecrisps · 17/07/2017 10:38

You told her not to pay and are annoyed that she hasn't paid. YABU.

You could have replied "a fiver would be ace" or "a couple of quid would be handy at the moment" and avoided any ambiguity.

Why on earth did you tell her not to pay when you wholly expected her to do so?

GeillisTheWitch · 17/07/2017 10:38

She texts me on Friday saying how much do I want for them - several days after she's had them. I say - no worries no need to pay

And now you're upset she hasn't paid? Confused

She's not a mind reader, if you wanted money you should have said that upfront.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/07/2017 10:38

Sorry you're cross because she's not a mind reader and you said the opposite of what you meant?

You are bonkers. Not just unreasonable but properly bonkers.

PotteringAlong · 17/07/2017 10:38

If i asked someone how much I needed to pay and they told me not to then I wouldn't pay either. Sorry...

upperlimit · 17/07/2017 10:39

Yeah, yabu, sorry. She offered to pay. You thought this was the starting move in a terribly English volley of "no, really, I insist" but she couldn't have known that.

Moanyoldcow · 17/07/2017 10:39

People like you actually make me angry. All this oblique faux-politeness.

You didn't ask and when SHE did you said 'don't bother'. You are being BEYOND unreasonable.

ElizabethShaw · 17/07/2017 10:40

So you put a post on Facebook asking if anyone wanted them, but not saying "does anyone want these for £20"?
Then you gave them to someone and made no mention of money.
Then when they offered to pay, you told them it was a gift.

You certainly haven't acted in any way like someone who wanted or needed to be paid for these shoes Confused

PinkHeart5911 · 17/07/2017 10:43

You said you wanted nothing for them so understandably she gave you no money

It's not shocking to believe an adult when they say they don't want anything for them

Learn to speak up!

You are very unreasonable

thecatfromjapan · 17/07/2017 10:43

You didn't ask because you were embarrassed you needed the money. (I'm responding to your question.) Get over the embarrassment!! Too late this time but other situations are bound to arise - going out for an evening, or a meal; planning meet-ups with friends; buying presents.

You need to acknowledge that funds are a bit tight at the moment and just rid yourself of any guilt/embarrassment about that. Then you can be honest about your financial needs.

I'm guessing that you are feeling some sort of guilt about your financial situation - or some sort of irrational self-blame, or some feeling that you are not 'measuring up/ in some way. You need to jettison all of that.

muddlefuck · 17/07/2017 10:50

You told her you didn't want money for them you weirdo

youhavetobekidding · 17/07/2017 10:50

TBH, if I saw a FB post asking "Would anyone like these shoes?" I would assume they were being offered as a gift. If you want money, you should be up front "These are for sale, cost £70, never worn, will accept £15 ONO (or nearest offer)".

Your colleague offered money, you said No, how is she supposed to know you don't mean it?!

HidingUnderARock · 17/07/2017 10:57

I agree with thecatfromjapan, its hard but it is your issue not the other person's.

EssentialHummus · 17/07/2017 10:58

What others said. But I'm sorry things are tight and fingers crossed it improves soon!

ChrisPrattsFace · 17/07/2017 10:59

I see where you are coming from OP. When I offer money and my friend says 'don't worry about it' ... I still give her a fiver or something... your friend obviously doesn't follow that.
However, you had multiple opportunities to ask for money, even being prompted, On a plus - your friend will be over the moon with her new shoes!
Speak up, loud and proud next time Grin

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2017 10:59

Yeah I think you could do with some assertiveness training or you should have just sold them on ebay if you wanted money for them

user1489675144 · 17/07/2017 11:00

YOU told her 'no worries - no need to pay' and now you moan she hasn't offered...but SHE DID when she asked you how much...and you sent above reply!

Duh - YES UABVU

Hyperventing · 17/07/2017 11:03

For future reference there's nothing wrong with asking for payment for things you no longer need, especially if they're in good condition. I just sold an item for money just because from what I've read on here and elsewhere, people actually appreciate it more if you charge a reasonable amount than if it's free, when they often act as if they're doing you a favour. If money's a bit tight, I might explain that you felt a bit embarrassed asking but if she really meant it, a tenner would really help you out.

user1489675144 · 17/07/2017 11:03

Despite many believing otherwise psychic abilities don't really exist.... a £1,000,000 prize to anyone proving they are has yet to be claimed/won...

Why do so many people moan that their friends/families/colleagues don't know what they want/mean when they say the opposite!

Improve your communication skills - if you want something for never worn shoes say that upfront...don't say no need to pay then expect person to understand that that means I do really want something even if I say I don't!

SaucyJack · 17/07/2017 11:04

If you wanted to sell them, then you should have sold them. Simple as.

I don't expect people to give me money for unused stuff that I offer up when I'm on one of my Kondo blitzes. I'm just glad to see it out of my storage, and off somewhere it'll get some use. She probably assumed you were of the same mindset.