Anyone else's Dh do this?

[IdoEverythinginthishouse]

Gave Dh a simple food shopping list to get and he's came back with a few bits of the list and loads of random crap that we never eat? My freezer is now full with it and we haven't got full ingredients for at least one meal for the week! Aibu to be pissed off?

How hard is it to do a food shop with less than 20 things on the list

I discovered since separated that bin emptying is fucking easy.

I can do all the bins in between stirs of the dinner with the pre schooler alongside.

Never realised how many million miles away this job is from adding up to all other housework!

If I give DH a list he will buy exactly what is on the list, although if he can't find an item fairly quickly he simply won't buy it, nor will he buy a substitute, which is very annoying if you need that specific ingredient in order to be able to use the other things on the list...

He only goes into a supermarket a couple of times per year though - I only work 20 hours a week atm, but when I go up to full time this may have to change! I have to be full time for 3 years for work specific reasons, but have said in no uncertain terms that after than I'll only do 30 hours if its pans out that I still do all the shopping. laundry and cooking, because with a family of 5 it is at least 10 hours work per week, so I will be working full time with 30 hours paid and 10 hours on shopping, cooking and laundry!

He sticks exactly to the list though, never deviates or picks up anything else... This may be because he is German :o The only exception was almost 20 years ago, when he first moved to the UK, he had a brief phase of excitedly coming home with all the buy one get one free offers, because they are illegal in Germany :o

IMO it's either a case of 'mess up so you won't ask me again' or else the frequent male thing of not being able to find anything unless it's staring them in the face.

Dh once came back from a huge Asda telling me that they had no loo cleaner of any description in the whole shop - no Harpic, Toilet Duck or anything. Yes, of course he looked! They didn't have any!

He bought Cif instead.
After my reaction to that (ridicule, hysterical laughter, etc.) he will now ASK an assistant.
If he does any vital shopping now I have to give him a very specific list - brand, amount, etc. Almost more trouble than going myself.

If he does any vital shopping now I have to give him a very specific list - brand, amount, etc. Almost more trouble than going myself

I think you'll find that's the whole point.

It's the "wife work" thing isn't it.

The only thing specifically with food shopping is that it is very hard to food shop without a list unless you are the one who does the cooking.

Ideally I suppose both partners do 50% of the cooking - but still does that mean each does food shopping for the meals they will prepare? I certainly don't want to food shop together as a couples activity, that would be a truly inefficient doubling of the man hours required to do the shopping...

I guess everyone has to find their own solution, but it's important that the work load is comprehensible to everyone - I find it helpful to point out exactly how long shopping and putting away takes... There is no on-line shopping in our area (abroad) so it really is a substantial and annoying weekly task with several children at home and everybody taking lunch with them from home, meaning 105 meals to be provided per week...

No, my DP would ring me every 2 minutes to tell me the options. With a final call to inform me if they are out of anything that was on my list. He also brings home extra stuff - to save me carrying it/to make me eat it/to get extra qudos!

A lot of men i know are the only ones who do any food shopping forntheir household. They even take the kids with them when they do.

I need a list to go to the shop because i will forget what i have and what i need. If i forget my list i panic and either buy nothing or everything. Think i get this from my mum as she is the same.

"Ideally I suppose both partners do 50% of the cooking"

Equality doesn't mean that you have to each clean half the loo! But it ought to mean that there is a reasonable division of the boring, difficult, time-consuming, petty jobs that are just necessary to run a household. And couples really ought to be able to substitute for one another, just practically, in the event of illness etc. There is NOTHING about food shopping that means that you have to have a vagina to do it, but it does require thought effort, and that is what so many of these men are apparently unwilling to provide. I think there is an arrogance underneath that, that such mundane tasks are somehow beneath their dignity and not worth their effort. And a knowledge that someone else will step in to ensure that their children have proper nutritious food and plan meals, which is a kind of exploitation, really. The responsibilization of women in relation to all of this work, which is hugely time-and-brain-consuming is not on, and it's not a good message to send to children of either gender.

I should add, there is nothing about gardening, hedge-cutting or using power tools that requires a penis either.

Have just been reminded of a 'male shopping' birthday card - bloke with trolley, just two aisles with signs saying MEAT and BEER. lol

My DH is an utter nightmare in supermarkets! He will get dragged in by every marketing ploy going! The worst one though has to be my dad about 20 years ago. We went into Safeway to pick up a fresh lettuce and a cooked chicken, I was around 12 years old, and proceeded to spend upwards of 3 figures. Not even the worst bit though. The worst bit was getting out and realising we had come on his motorbike (the sports bike not the tourer so no luggage space) boy that was a fun balancing act home!

Equality doesn't mean that you have to each clean half the loo!  But it ought to mean that there is a reasonable division of the boring, difficult, time-consuming, petty jobs that are just necessary to run a household. And couples really ought to be able to substitute for one another, just practically, in the event of illness etc.

This with bells on.

I cook, dh washes up or stacks the dishwasher. I clean the house, dh does the laundry. We both do our sides to a better standard than the other. But neither of us is incapable of pitching in when needed.

Dh is in hospital at the moment and has already moaned that ill be wasting water and detergent by stacking the dishwasher inefficiently. I laughed and told him as he can't see it he will never know

I do sometimes think some women enjoy doing this sort of thing. I mean "sending" a man with a list... . Why does he need to be 'sent'?
It sort of makes women feel as if they're so vital to the existence of their partner that he wouldn't know how to live as an adult were it not for their wife's handholding.

It's simple. I'm a man and I'm able to shop, clean and cook; the inability to do this is not handed to us at birth alongside a penis. Neither am I 'ex-forces' which tends to mean on MN that I'm a halfway capable man, yet anal about ironing creases in underpants.
The PP talking about passive-aggressive behaviour and selective incompetence are correct. These men are being crap because it suits them to be crap.

These men are being crap because it suits them to be crap.
Exactly - and so they won't be made to do it again.

My dh doesn't cook many meals, he was never shown how and grew up on bread and jam everyday His background means that he doesn't really get food/meals. He knows about healthy eating and it's importance but implementing that into real life is just not there yet.

Slowly we're building up his confidence the meals he can cook. Therefore I generally do the cooking or help him do it. I mainly do the shopping to because I prefer to wander around and see what looks good veg/fruit/meat wise and meal plan from there.

If he is doing it I text him what I want him to get. He is perfectly capable of getting them and will often substitute to a similar item. He will also buy fruit, veg milk bread etc without prompting. But just like I ask him, he asks me whether we need/want anything.

He can also use the washing machine/vacuum and change nappies.

It's amazing that I can manage to pick up a shop for my husband (who does most of the cooking) but for some reason he'll get a pass?

@PianoThirty - your example assumes that neither of you have the nous to send a text or call to ask, or to just NOT buy it and mark it on the list so the proposed chilli can be earmarked for a later day.

Dp likes to get little bits as he goes along. This is what he did when he was single. I like one big shop and add a few bits when needed. I do the big shop as I do the cooking. But ask if anything else needed or fancied that week. I need reminders for certain things I don't get every week and often he'll just buy it on the way home as I'm likely to forget those more unusual items.

If he did do the big shop he wouldn't get a list unless he asked for one or made one himself. He'd come back with different things and that would be OK. I'd request what was definitely needed.

What did he get for your freezer? Maybe we could come up with a meal plan for the week

I do sometimes think some women enjoy doing this sort of thing. I mean "sending" a man with a list... confused. Why does he need to be 'sent'?
It sort of makes women feel as if they're so vital to the existence of their partner that he wouldn't know how to live as an adult were it not for their wife's handholding.

I agree with this.

Some of these posts are making me cringe. A lot of double standards here where men are being generalised... if women were generalised this way we'd be calling sexism on it.
I also wander how often the man 'doing it wrong' simply means doing it differently? I have a friend who complains that her OH doesn't do housework but tells him he has done it wrong when he does. She means not to her standard... how can he be doing it wrong?? He pays half the mortgage therefore is entitled to have an equal say in the level of cleanliness expected, surely??

I hate the whole talking about your man thing as though he is a toddler or a dog that is either well trained or isn't...
I dunno - maybe I don't get it because I don't have these issues... but I couldn't be with someone I felt I had to mother!

DH does the list himself if he thinks we need stuff in. I do the list myself if I think we need stuff.

This was after our initial 3 months of us being together of me saying "NO" after he continually asked (wearingly) "Do you want me to...." (add: do some shopping, get my mum a birthday card, walk the dog, cook the tea, run the hoover round) - he finally got the idea that I was not his mother, that if something needed doing he could just go ahead and do it.

Didn't bother trying before being on MN - but it really is nice when you are both grown ups....

@ Kr1stina

I tried to send him back out, he said we'll go tomorrow... together!! I said do you just do it on purpose so you don't have to do it at all? He says no looking oblivious
This would piss me off even more than the initial incompentance. I'd be saying I wasn't going shopping with him tomorrow so he'll just have to complete his simple task on his own. That if he had done it right the first time he wouldn't need to do it again. Certain issues need to be spelt out in no uncertain terms IMO, and this fuckwittery is one of them.

So he fancied pizza chips/wedges and corn on the cob. Cookie crisp for breakfast. Not seeing the problem there. Do these 'incompetent' men get asked if there's anything they want when you go shopping?
It's one thing coming back with randon additions and quite another to not come back with half the things on the list though. Especially as I suspect it's OP who will be trying to make meals out of the random items, not him.

if he can't find an item fairly quickly he simply won't buy it
Why doesn't he ask an assistant, 5moreminutes?

Nope, although he will occassionally impulse buy "random crap" that isn't on the list but don't we all? I know I do (chocolate).
We have a list which anyone adds to, then whoever shops takes it (usually me doing the big shop as I'm at home).
I recently felt what it must like to be an incompetent shopper when I shopped at a different supermarket to usual - didn't know where anything was, or even if some of the things were sold there. Had to ask about 3 assistants for things, re-traced my steps a dozen times and it took me twice as long. And I think I left without a few things on the list. I felt so useless!
I guess if I shopped there more often I'd get the hang of it, which is probably what these husbands need to do.

if it was my dad, he woudl buy everything on the list correctly, but then he could resist stopping at the deli counter and buying the same amount again in yummy stuff.

So now there would be the sensible ham and cheese and bread for lunches that my mum bought, and alongside it loads of deli stuff.

he has done this for 70 years, my mum reckeons in a past life he was starved.

But I must say, he is 75 and totally capable of doing the weeks shopping, with or without a list.

DP called me yesterday to ask all of the ingredients he needed to make a stir fry ... called 20 mins later asking how to cook it 😒

GinFlumps you can get an app now, that'll compare each item within the Supermarkets in your area! If that's what floats his boat

I always do the shopping, due to the hours we work, I meal plan for the week, and shop accordingly. Last month I was out of the country, and dh did a weekly shop, he was very chuffed that he'd spent half what I do, but there was fuck all to make meal with!! Just lots of snacky bits!? He said he prefers to 'Wing it' rather than make a list, the utter psycho.