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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with BILs reaction to pregnancy

66 replies

Panda132 · 16/07/2017 12:01

First time poster, not sure if this is the correct place to post.

When DH told his brother that we are expecting a baby at around 8 weeks his response was asking if it was planned (I never understood this question because if someone is announcing their pregnancy it means the baby is wanted so why ask) and saying you shouldn't be telling anyone until week 16 when the baby is more viable (I assume he means because of miscarriages - a weird way to phrase it). No congratulations from him. Surely its okay to want to share your good news with family members early on.

I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and BIL has still not congratulated us - not even a text message. He has shown zero interest. Even when we met him in person - no congratulations or any mention of the pregnancy - he spent the whole time ignoring me.

Maybe its my hormones but AIBU to be annoyed by his attitude and negativity?

OP posts:

Crispbutty · 16/07/2017 12:04

How old is he? To be honest men (and women) don't show too much interest in other people's pregnancies normally.

Sounds quite typical reaction for one brother to another.

I wouldn't dwell on it. Once the baby arrives and is a real thing that he interact with he may be the best uncle ever!

Original poster

Panda132 · 16/07/2017 12:54

Thanks, he is 27. Isn't talking about miscarriages a bit insensitive?

OP posts:

Syc4moreTrees · 16/07/2017 12:56

Forget it, just enjoy your pregnancy.

Tofutti · 16/07/2017 13:00

I wouldn't be inviting him to my home with that attitude (i.e. Ignoring you

Leave DH to it and don't engage with BIL.

Keep a mental note when he's celebrating his big moments.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/07/2017 13:00

Does he have a partner? Is there any chance they're trying? My brother and his girlfriend found that she was pregnant a couple of days after my first miscarriage and while I was surprised at how little it upset me, DH found the news of their (unplanned) pregnancy much harder than me for whatever reason. I could be wrong but I could echoes of that in your BIL's reaction.

In any case, of course it's ok to share your good news, and I'm sorry you feel this has upset you.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/07/2017 13:02

(I now always desperately want to ask people announcing their pregnancies whether it's planned - what I really want to know is whether they struggled at all, because it feels like I'm alone as everyone else around me produces children effortlessly and I know that can't really be true! However, I never actually ask - as you say, it's a rude question!)

MelvinThePenguin · 16/07/2017 13:04

We had the same reaction from a friend. I was also 8 weeks, but had terrible sickness which I couldn't hide and didn't want to lie.

She went on about there being nothing you can do if something goes wrong.

Most oddly, she was 32 week at the time and I thought she'd been pleased at the shared experience.

I think from comments she's made since, she was just miffed that it had happened easily for us. I think she struggled.

You never know what other people are experiencing and how it might lead them to be insensitive.

SaucyJack · 16/07/2017 13:04

Some people just enjoy pissing on other people's chips.

Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing that it bothers you.

troodiedoo · 16/07/2017 13:10

Many people will ask you if it was planned, whether you want a girl or boy, whether you plan to breastfeed..

It is usual to wait till after 12/16 weeks before telling people, but I wouldn't comment on it.

Is bil usually a bit brisk or is this out of character?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/07/2017 13:10

Melvin - I definitely think that your friend's reaction was the result of her own struggles. I went through a stage after I'd lost two pregnancies early on of weirdly and obsessively reading the 'is this a line' posts in conception and wanting to shout at all the 'that's a line! You're going to be a mummy!' or 'you're having a baby!' responses 'maybe you're not!'. Obviously I never ever did that (obviously!) but I think it's probably not an unusual thing to get weirdly and irrationally upset about other people seemingly being complacent about a risk that you're so completely consumed by. Again, I'm not saying that these are by any means acceptable things to say to pregnant women, just that I can understand the urge.

WannaBe · 16/07/2017 13:17

Other people's pregnancies aren't really that exciting tbh. That being said, if he's making comments about not talking about it until sixteen weeks this would indicate that he has some experience (be that his or someone he knows) of someone who announced their pregnancy early only to have to tell the world that they've lost the baby or that they've had to have a termination. Talking about waiting until sixteen weeks to "wait and see if it's viable" would be more of an indication to me that either his partner or someone he knows well may have been given news of a severe disability at a twelve week scan and made the decision to terminate rather than just talking about miscarriage.

And tbh, it might seem insensitive, but the reality is that one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage before twelve weeks so he may not have wanted to congratulate at that point in case you lost the baby. I worked with someone once who announced her pregnancy to the office at twelve weeks and then went on to say "I didn't want to say anything sooner in case I lost it and then had to tell everyone," and I thought that this was a bit and why would you talk about losing the baby and so on, but I was only 21 then and knew nothing of such things.

But having heard your news at eight weeks I wouldn't be expecting a separate congratulations because that in itself might seem insensitive if he'd said at eight weeks that you should have held off in case of loss. Saying nothing at eight weeks and then congratulations at sixteen weeks seems to me to be far more insensitive than saying nothing at all.

But talk of cutting contact etc as suggested by others is completely ott. This is the reality of having your first child. For you this is an all-consuming experience while the rest of the world doesn't really care. .

MelvinThePenguin · 16/07/2017 13:21

Oh, completely agree Lisa. So sorry to hear you've had these experiences.

I wasn't being complacent at all and I don't think it would have come across like that. I paid for a scan at 8 weeks (actually, the same day friend said this) because I was so paranoid and wanted to see a heart beat. I only said anything because I was so sick on an evening out.

I don't comment on other people's plans for children because it's just such a minefield. I thought I was going to lose my DD2 and it was horrendous.

Unfortunately, this friend has backed off completely since I had DD2. I'm not going to push her though.

LouHotel · 16/07/2017 13:22

Actually i think people should talk about miscarriages in the early stages more openly as it helps remove the stigma. 1 in 5 pregnancies before 12 weeks is not a small percentage.

I shared my first pregnancy with people at 6 weeks and then lost it at 11 weeks. Second pregnancy we didnt tell anyone until closer to our second scan.

He should have congratulated you after you made it public though but my own brother is useless at things like that.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 16/07/2017 13:23

I don't like to offer congratulations until the baby has arrived.

CoughLaughFart · 16/07/2017 13:26

12 weeks is more usual, but I'd never turn around and tell someone that when they've just told me they're pregnant. He obviously has the sensitivity of a brick.

Is he single? Maybe a 27 year-old single man finds the idea of having a baby horrifying, and doesn't have the sense or social skills to hide it.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/07/2017 13:35

Sorry, Melvin - I see how it looks like I was saying you were complacent, and I really didn't mean to. I was trying to explain my own irrational feelings, not blame anyone else. I'm sure many of the women I got cross with were all too aware of the risk of miscarriage, but a pregnancy announcement isn't the time for that. I do think as a society we're bad at acknowledging how common miscarriage is. I was thinking the other day that I don't think I've ever seen it on TV (I don't watch soaps, where I guess it is maybe covered?). You (very) occasionally get infertility portrayed but never miscarriage.

Jaxhog · 16/07/2017 13:35

He's a pratt. Anyone who isn't happy for someone's good news isn't worth spending time with.

AnathemaPulsifer · 16/07/2017 13:36

My mum reacted a bit like that. She adores my DD and is a brilliant grandparent, just didn't react according to the script I had in my head.

Original poster

Panda132 · 16/07/2017 13:38

Thanks for the replies. Sorry to hear about some of your experiences.
He has a girlfriend, they have been dating for about 3 years and they are living together, I don't think they are trying for a baby. His reaction is a bit out of character.

OP posts:

MelvinThePenguin · 16/07/2017 13:41

I didn't take offence Lisa, don't worry! I didn't think you meant that at all.

I just meant that my friend knew I was worried and still went on about risks. Grief does funny things to people.

rightwhine · 16/07/2017 13:45

Men aren't interested and all Bil can probably focus on, is that DH will be less fun if he has child to care for.

antimatter · 16/07/2017 13:46

his reaction may be odd but who knows what caused it? maybe his gf miscarried and they are grieving

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/07/2017 13:49

He has a girlfriend, they have been dating for about 3 years and they are living together, I don't think they are trying for a baby.

From his reaction I really, really think they might be and you don't know. Or perhaps a friend of his has had a bad experience. I just think that most 27 year old men (and women, for that matter) don't even know about things like the period where you don't announce without some personal experience. His reaction does sound so much like my DH, who is usually absolutely lovely and I think was shocked by how resentful he was of their news. Thinking about it I don't know whether he directly congratulated my brother and his girlfriend either.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/07/2017 13:50

It really does Melvin. I also wonder whether your friend thought she was 'protecting' you in some way by trying to stop you telling people? Completely misguided and inappropriate if so, of course.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/07/2017 13:58

If someone tells me they're pregnant and they're under 12 weeks I do think to myself that it's a bit early for them to be telling anyone but I would never say it out loud to their face.

I'm currently pregnant andvehen I told my parents (at 14 weeks) my mom's reaction was, "Oh God, you're not are you? Was it planned?!"

As many posters have said, not everyone is that bothered about pregnancy.....especially men. I really think you're worrying too much about this.

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