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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with BILs reaction to pregnancy

66 replies

Panda132 · 16/07/2017 12:01

First time poster, not sure if this is the correct place to post.

When DH told his brother that we are expecting a baby at around 8 weeks his response was asking if it was planned (I never understood this question because if someone is announcing their pregnancy it means the baby is wanted so why ask) and saying you shouldn't be telling anyone until week 16 when the baby is more viable (I assume he means because of miscarriages - a weird way to phrase it). No congratulations from him. Surely its okay to want to share your good news with family members early on.

I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and BIL has still not congratulated us - not even a text message. He has shown zero interest. Even when we met him in person - no congratulations or any mention of the pregnancy - he spent the whole time ignoring me.

Maybe its my hormones but AIBU to be annoyed by his attitude and negativity?

OP posts:

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/07/2017 14:05

If someone tells me they're pregnant and they're under 12 weeks I do think to myself that it's a bit early for them to be telling anyone but I would never say it out loud to their face.

Would you think that with family? I've always thought it's ok to tell people that you'd tell if you miscarry. My three miscarriages have all been really early so no one knew beforehand but I told a few people about the first two after they'd happened, and then the same people when I was going for a scan at six weeks to see what was going on with pregnancy three. I thought I'd need the support of things went wrong again - and I did. Admittedly I was telling them in a 'so, I'm currently crazed with anxiety' way, so it wasn't exactly a 'congratulations!' scenario.

Firesuit · 16/07/2017 14:32

He's a pratt. Anyone who isn't happy for someone's good news isn't worth spending time with.

I wasn't generally in touch with people I went to school with, so I was late-twenties before the first time a school friend told me his wife was expecting. I didn't know what to say, I sort commiserated with him in a joky way. It did not cross my mind that this was in any way good news, sharing a house with child was my idea of a nightmare. I had never really thought about why people had children, but I assumed that in the case of women it was hormones overwhelming commmon sense, and that men went along with it because they were desparate for sex.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/07/2017 14:39

lisa - I have been pregnant times and not even family have been told until after the first scan. With my first pregnancy I didn't tell my family until I was about 16 weeks.

I miscarried my second pregnancy at 8 weeks and it was hard enough having to break the news to my husband never mind the thought of having to tell family members too. As a result none of my family or friends knew I'd had a miscarriage and it helped at the time as them being 'normal' with me helped me overcome it. It's been about 18 months now and although I have since told my sister about it nobody else in my family knows.

It's a personal choice and my thoughts were always that I would hate to have a miscarriage and then have to tell a lot of people and deal with their feelings, and nor would I like lots of people knowing something very personal and private about me.

Everyone feels different though and that was always my take on it.

Mumzypopz · 16/07/2017 15:14

The pregnancy is important to you, not him. A lot of people do say you shouldn't announce it before 12 weeks (not heard of 16 weeks being the new marker for this), so he is probably just repeating what a lot of people say. Yes, lots of people are desperate to announce it sooner, but unfortunately an awful lot of pregnancies end in miscarriage before the 12 week marker, or even after. I don't get what you mean by if you announce it, it must have been planned? That's rubbish, so you are saying if it isn't planned people don't tell anyone?

BouncyHedgehog · 16/07/2017 15:22

men aren't interested So? You don't have to be remotely interested to do the polite thing and say congratulations.

lalalalyra · 16/07/2017 15:48

I think a 16 week and viability scan definitely sounds like someone who has either experienced a loss or knows someone who has.

Dumdedumdum · 16/07/2017 15:53

It is very odd to imagine that you would be privy to the information that your bil is trying for a baby.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 16/07/2017 16:05

Honestly, I think he's probably just not particularly bothered. I find it really unexciting to hear about others being pregnant. I mean, I hope they're fine, the baby is healthy, but even my brother telling me his wife was expecting was just not very exciting. Plus, for all you know, they might be TTC and be having a rough time. Don't worry about it.

Caterina99 · 16/07/2017 18:40

His response sounds rather like him and gf or someone he knows has miscarried/had a termination. Most men who haven't been exposed to pregnancy wouldn't use those words.

However he might just not be that interested. I'm currently 27 weeks with DC2 and now I'm showing more, people do mention it more, but I could meet up with friends or family previously and they don't mention the pregnancy at all. For you it's the most exciting thing ever, but for most other people it's really not very interesting.

Lj20051416 · 16/07/2017 18:51

Most of my ohs family never congratulated us. His one bro seen our son when he was 6 months old and he went omg look how fat he is.. 😡

PotteringAlong · 16/07/2017 18:56

He has a girlfriend, they have been dating for about 3 years and they are living together, I don't think they are trying for a baby.

I think they are. And I think they've lost a baby at around the 16 week mark.

youaredeluded · 16/07/2017 18:59

Babies and pregnancy are really dull. Just because you are excited you own a foetus, doesn't mean the rest of us need to be. You had sex... what do you want? A standing ovation? Seriously, no one else cares, some others may pretend to care, but really no one wants to have to hear about it.

NikiBabe · 16/07/2017 19:01

He is a guy. He doesnt care.

NikiBabe · 16/07/2017 19:01

Just because you are excited you own a foetus, doesn't mean the rest of us need to be. You had sex... what do you want? A standing ovation?

God I laughed.

It is so true.

ProphetOfDoom · 16/07/2017 19:04

Some men don't know how to talk about pregnancy or know the correct things to say. I used to work in a male dominated environment and I was the first pregnant woman in their professional midst for some time & I had comments that ranged from the old-fashionedly charming to the downright odd. A few only noticed I was pregnant when I left on maternity leave at 38 weeks. Some addressed my bump when the spoke to me and others made not a concession to it - I preferred the latter.

Focus on those who give you support, put BIL down as an odd-bird on the matter of your pregnancy and see how he turns out as an uncle - that's a far more important going forward.

TippyTinkleTrousers · 16/07/2017 19:05

He doesn't care.

My brother totally ignored my second pregnancy. Doesn't mean he wasn't happy for us or that he doesn't adore his nephew.
Just that he's a bloke.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 16/07/2017 19:17

How long have you been with your partner, if he's been with his 3 years.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 16/07/2017 19:42

He could have experienced a miscarriage with his partner unbeknown to you.

Or maybe he's not interested. It's exciting to you and your partner but to everyone else it's not. Millions get pregnant every year, it's nothing new or unique. To be keeping track of who has congratulated you for having unprotected sex is a little OTT.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 16/07/2017 19:44

Weird reaction from him definitely! I suppose there could be a reason for that though, as pps have said; he has experience of losing a baby early on maybe, or he might be experiencing fertility problems.

Fwiw I remember my brother and sil telling us they were expecting their first baby when sil was around 6 weeks pregnant. They were so excited, made a big announcement to the whole family and opened a bottle of champagne etc. I found it really lovely, but also a teeny bit too much. I know a few people who have lost babies at that stage. Maybe that has made me too pessimistic, but I couldn't help but worry they were getting too excited at such an early stage. Part of me was a bit worried for them and felt a bit strange celebrating so early.

But, I hope I hid that worry. I didn't want to piss on their bonfire, but I was silently thinking to myself, "fuck, it's a bit early for the champagne"! If I had no filter, I might have said "fuck, it's a bit early for the champagne"!

They ended up having a beautiful, healthy dc though btw, so I needn't have worried .

OhOurBilly · 16/07/2017 20:10

I think a 16 week and viability scan definitely sounds like someone who has either experienced a loss or knows someone who has

^ this ^

At least he didn't do what my BIL did which was go off in a pissy huff saying "I can't believe you didn't tell me you were trying for a baby!"

Really, BIL? You expected us to tell you "we're having unprotected sex from now on because we want to create offsping!" Bearing in mind, I see him maybe twice a year and I don't particularly like him anyway . And yes, he did expect that. he's a complete and utter fucking trombone

RudeDog · 16/07/2017 20:23

My SIL/BIL were visibly annoyed when we told them I was pregnant- they had expected us to financially support their children! Particularly through university

Was never going to fucking happen

Decaffstilltastesweird · 16/07/2017 20:25

RudeDog

They expected what now? Why? Why would they ever think that? Just... what?

NikiBabe · 16/07/2017 20:31

Oh that doesn't surprise me.

I know a woman who is child free by choice and her husband's sister and her children are expecting to inherit everything they have.

They are not giving them a penny in the will but they dont know that.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 16/07/2017 20:35

They might be trying and no luck, possibly had a miscarriage and not shared it. Or they have reason to believe they have fertility issues. We have secondary infertility and have had withdraw from friends completely through pregnancy as it's just too painful. I'm pleased for them but need to orotect myself!

RudeDog · 16/07/2017 20:38

@Decaffstilltastesweird cos they're twats and think it's everyone else's responsibility to financially support them

Wouldn't get a penny either way

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