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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with BILs reaction to pregnancy

66 replies

Panda132 · 16/07/2017 12:01

First time poster, not sure if this is the correct place to post.

When DH told his brother that we are expecting a baby at around 8 weeks his response was asking if it was planned (I never understood this question because if someone is announcing their pregnancy it means the baby is wanted so why ask) and saying you shouldn't be telling anyone until week 16 when the baby is more viable (I assume he means because of miscarriages - a weird way to phrase it). No congratulations from him. Surely its okay to want to share your good news with family members early on.

I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and BIL has still not congratulated us - not even a text message. He has shown zero interest. Even when we met him in person - no congratulations or any mention of the pregnancy - he spent the whole time ignoring me.

Maybe its my hormones but AIBU to be annoyed by his attitude and negativity?

OP posts:
RiverTam · 16/07/2017 20:39

I would guess that there has been a miscarriage, possibly more than one. No-one on DH's family knew about my many miscarriages, and I have always been Hmm about announcements before the 12 week scan, though I don't actually say.

That would be my guess, in which case cut the man some slack.

mummymummums · 16/07/2017 20:42

Some people are weird. Some people just can't bring themselves to be happy for others. My MiL to this day has not congratulated me on my pregnancy with DS. He's 9 now Shock This is despite DH calling her on it and she said to him she would congratulate me, but she didn't. She's very obviously treated him differently too and has a definite preference for our DD10 and DH's son (18) from first marriage. I think she only wanted us to have one as DSS was not pleased about having any half siblings let alone two.
But who knows her reasons it could just be because she's a nasty old cow
People are very strange. Congratulations anyway!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/07/2017 20:45

My MiL to this day has not congratulated me on my pregnancy with DS. He's 9 now

I mean, I think it's time to give up hope on that one... Grin

mummymummums · 16/07/2017 20:47

You think?GrinGrinGrin

uokhunni · 16/07/2017 20:47

"Babies and pregnancy are really dull. Just because you are excited you own a foetus, doesn't mean the rest of us need to be. You had sex... what do you want? A standing ovation? Seriously, no one else cares, some others may pretend to care, but really no one wants to have to hear about it."

So true, it's such mundane news to hear!

RiverTam · 16/07/2017 20:52

Is that a reason for basic manners and courtesy to go out the window?

The OP has said its out of character, which suggests there's an underlying reason.

But what you are describing is out-and-out rudeness, luckily something I have never come across in RL, thank god.

Luncharmstrong · 16/07/2017 21:00

Really, very few people care about your pregnancy.
Expecting your BIL to congratulate you is a bit daft.
Sorry to be harsh but it's true.

MelvinThePenguin · 16/07/2017 21:06

I agree with comments that BIL might not be interested in the news but that would be to ignore the out and out negativity. As I said before, I think there's more to this.

I would personally be sad if a family member found such news 'mundane' though! Or if they were negative in any circumstance, to be honest. I do understand the latter though, if there's been an issue.

My brother, bless him, was absolutely beside himself with excitement about my pregnancies. He found out about my second when he rang to ask me about 'someone at work who was expecting and wanted to know his rights'. I obviously knew it was him. His wife was about 7 weeks. I was 14 weeks but had said nothing previously due to threatened miscarriages at 5 and 8 weeks. Very sadly, his wife miscarried shortly afterwards. They have both been absolutely lovely about my ultimately healthy pregnancy and she was the first to rush my DD2 when the baby was born a couple of months ago.

Groupie123 · 16/07/2017 21:11

Judging from your last post, my gut reaction is to think his gf has miscarried or had to get a termination. I understand that you're excited but surely you/your dh would have the emotional intelligence to wonder why the DBIL made that comment even if you didn't ask why. (speaking as someone who's been ttc for years and it still hurts when I remember how dsil's husband, who knew my difficulties, announced her pregnancy by calling it the 'ultimate female achievement'. Fucking wanker).

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/07/2017 21:12

I agree with Melvin that, while a random acquaintance's pregnancy is not the most thrilling news, I do think it's quite sad for the potential uncle not to care. I also really think that there's more to this than just not being interested; the 16 week comment is really telling, I think.

LittleWingSoul · 16/07/2017 21:24

Tbh - I have found it a bit awkward when people have been giving me their 'congratulations'! Ditto 'that's soooo exciting' etc as I don't have anything to say back. But that's just me, on 3rd pregnancy.

I'm on holiday in Italy visiting close family friends and no one has congratulated me, and I've worked out that it must not be customary to do so - I haven't been the least bit offended and have quite liked it this way. It doesn't mean they aren't 'pleased' or however you'd describe it... someone else's pregnancy is just that - someone else's pregnancy. The journey to the bit where there is a cute newborn baby.

You needn't be upset - something very special is going on in your lives and DBIL's reaction may not necessarily have been disapproval... It sounded a bit like he was mansplaining to your DH if anything!

TDHManchester · 16/07/2017 21:29

To be honest i dont think he was being disrespectful or wanting to poor water on the apparent good news. Its just that as others have stated, whilst its an exciting time for the mother/father to be, it isnt really that exciting for others though im sure they wish you well. Ive been in a similar position and felt fairly neutral about it. His comments were more of not really knowing how to react and having to find something to say.

BouncyHedgehog · 16/07/2017 21:40

How on earth do people not know how to react when people tell them they're pregnant? You say 'Congratulations'. No need to gush or ask lots of questions or feign exhilarated excitement, just that. Automatic, like saying 'Happy Birthday'. It's polite.

MelvinThePenguin · 16/07/2017 21:43

Yep, I'm with Bouncy on that.

MissLuna · 20/10/2017 21:23

All these people saying it's dull news - it's some of the most exciting news the OP and her partner will ever have to tell people! And in laws should feign delight, even if they aren't happy about it for any reason. If BILs gf has tragically miscarried, and they have chosen not to talk about it with family that is ok - however letting an unspoken tragedy affect someone else's wonderful news is not. A close friend of mine miscarried many times and said when her friends were getting pregnant she didn't feel angry or jealous - just because they were pregnant doesn't mean one day she wouldn't be; there aren't a finite number of babies. OP - YANBU. Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

PidgeonSpray · 20/10/2017 21:44

The world doesn't revolve around your womb.

But I'm surprised your bil couldn't at least fake some congratulations for you.

They might have their own problems.

He might think the world is over populated.

He might not like you.

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