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AIBU?

I don't want to think about silly things like that

76 replies

WashedOutFromWork · 16/07/2017 11:39

We have a problem in our relationship, dp seems to think he's super intelligent and can't be thinking about "silly things" like what time to have dinner tonight.

So as not to dripfeed I have done all the cooking for the past 4 weeks! He hasn't done any.

The conversation went like this

Me "I'll make dinner and you make breakfast"

Him "ok, what're you going to make?"

Me "a roast"

Him "as long as it doesn't take over the time for our game"

Me "well, shall I make it for 5:30?"

Him snapping and getting angry "oh I don't know, I don't want to think about silly things like that"

Me "what do you mean? We were just discussing it..."

Him "I mean me, I don't want to think about those silly things"

I'm so annoyed, he is so self centred, anything I say is usually ignored and sighed off until he's ready to have a long lecture about some political thing and all these ideas he's had! I'm so fed up of it, like he's too important and smart to do anything around here or to even think about any of it!

Aibu to feel this way? Given what he said there, or did I read it wrong...

OP posts:
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VestalVirgin · 16/07/2017 12:18

Cook for your son and yourself. Small portions. Feed your son adequately, eat what is left, and buy some snacks you hide in your room (or the son's room if you don't have your own bedroom) to eat if you are still hungry.

Make sure there are no leftovers for your "d"p to eat.

Then see what happens.

I'd just get rid of him, but I know many women find this difficult, so ... first, try out not doing anything for him anymore.

Not doing his laundry should be easy.

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provider5sectorzz9 · 16/07/2017 12:18

Haha haha, what a plonker, just stop doing any silly things for him,

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BallOrAerosol · 16/07/2017 12:19

Him "as long as it doesn't take over the time for our game"

What's the game? (missing point of thread)

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provider5sectorzz9 · 16/07/2017 12:21

Hes jerking you around, you're so stressed and irritated that it's hard to see what's really going on.
This is just a technique used to control you and have things work for his benefit

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timeisnotaline · 16/07/2017 12:21

Umm I'd ask if there are any positives, but I don't think they would matter compared to this. Seriously you need to look after you and the kids and only you andrhe kids. (Fwiw in the early days of our marriage we talked about this, I took a wait and see approach and he cooked dinner once in 6 weeks and said it was the best he could do- i lost my shit completely - he could either own up , right now, verbally, to being a pathetically incompetent excuse for an adult human being,then call his mum and tell her the same, or prioritise home Life much much more. and he's not been quite so stupid again.)

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provider5sectorzz9 · 16/07/2017 12:21

Don't engage with him, just organise things to suit yourself

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provider5sectorzz9 · 16/07/2017 12:24

a long lecture about some political thing and all these ideas he's had
When he does that just walk away and ignore him, like he does you

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BathshebaKnickerStickers · 16/07/2017 12:25

My DH was like this for a while when he was being bullied at work and he was suffering very badly from depression and paranoia as a result.

His stock phrase was slightly different- if I was telling him about my day (at the time I had a 2 year old and I was heavily pregnant) all he would ever say was "I wish I had such pointless little things to worry about".

I ended up having panic attacks and everything late in pregnancy.

Maybe if it has started suddenly and it's all about his work, maybe he is under a huge amount of pressure from there and maybe he isn't coping.

(It is such a knobbish thing to do)

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hatsoncats · 16/07/2017 12:27

I'd be getting rid of both DH and so-called friend.
Start lining your ducks up in a row...

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ElinoristhenewEnid · 16/07/2017 12:27

Tell him you will sort the computer whilst he cooks the dinner!

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provider5sectorzz9 · 16/07/2017 12:34

child care or play with ds! He doesn't even play with da because what ds wants to do is too fucking stupid for him
We don't play with children with the expectation that they will be our intellectual equals, we do it to educate and entertain the child, to bond with them and make them feel loved and wanted, make them feel that they are worth spending time with.

Is he too stupid to figure this out, or does he want to send that message to his son, the message that he is not worth his dad's time and attention?

Your partner is a selfish brat😝

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rightwhine · 16/07/2017 12:38

I'd have just snapped back. "Ok I'll do it when i fancy doing it then. Probably about 8".

But I think you've already realised that you have boundary issues if you have a dp and friends that treat you as if you are about as much worth as the shit on the bottom of their shoe

Yep, get those ducks in a row and don't settle for anything other than mutual respect. perhaps counselling or reading some books can help you with that. Assertiveness training and relationship books.

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ExplodedCloud · 16/07/2017 12:39

That's definitely no friend then :(

He sounds worse every time you post about him tbh. So practically what can you do about your situation? What's the state of your employment? Skills? Finances? Housing. Whose name?
It doesn't seem salvageable :(

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mrsroboto · 16/07/2017 12:44

He's so smart he can't possibly do the laundry, or the child care or play with ds!

If he thinks being smart involves not doing these things, then he isn't smart, he's incredibly stupid. And therefore perfectly suited to doing them.

Honestly, he's doing whatever he wants and trying to justify it in a very piss-poor way. I'd be embarrassed for his lack of critical thinking skills.

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user1476869312 · 16/07/2017 12:50

He thinks you are basically a household appliance and need to 'know your pkace' - you exist to make his life easier.

TBH this is not going to get better and this man is abusive. Time to start considering the best way to end the relationship because he is never going to treat you as a partner he loves - or even as a human being. You are a 'woman' in his eyes, which means you shut up and do as you are told.

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LadyLapsang · 16/07/2017 12:53

Has he always been like this or has it just started since your child was born? Do you work outside the home and earn a similar salary?

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TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 16/07/2017 12:54

I thought "Oh dear what a shit partner", but it soon transpired that's he's a shit father, too.

If he refuses to change or do his share of parenting then you need to consider your options, OP. I am sorry you're in this situation.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 16/07/2017 12:55

Perhaps he has a high IQ but his emotional intelligence is very low. And this is far more important than intellect. He's even alienating his own child. See how many people have started to call him stupid?

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MikeUniformMike · 16/07/2017 12:56

I get a sense that there is definitely a boundaries issue.

Your friend should not be telling you that your hair is a "piece of shit". If you have put on a lot weight, then maybe a good friend might mention it TACTFULLY. Tell so called friend to fuck right off.

Your DH. You need to tell him that he is not pulling his weight. Tactfully. Unless there is something else going on (Health/MH-type stuff) kick him out.

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daisychain01 · 16/07/2017 12:58

Dp is so unappreciative lately of anything

I get the impression he has opted out of the relationship.

Total lack of engagement and investment in "silly things" (his words) that are in some small way the 'glue' that holds things together. Meals, routines etc are part and parcel of living together as a team - give and take. If it's silly then DH and I spend quite a proportion of our time talking about the mundane, but we don't see it like that....

If your DH doesn't value or invest in those things, you're on a hiding to nothing, the rot has set in.

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Wallywobbles · 16/07/2017 12:59

God you are patient I suspect I'd have twatted him by now. I'd be having a silly divorce about now if I were you.

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provider5sectorzz9 · 16/07/2017 13:00

Maybe he is super brainy, however the point of having a life partner is that the partnership is mutually beneficial, he's trying to persuade you that because he's intelligent he is superior and you should serve him.
Seems to me that most of the benefits from this union are to him

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Inertia · 16/07/2017 13:01

Does he bring anything useful to your household?

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Softkitty2 · 16/07/2017 13:02

Refuse to cook for him. Do not do it.

You need to stand up for yourself. If the things you do are so silly and beneath him then go on strike and don't do it

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crazykitten20 · 16/07/2017 13:05

Dp is so unappreciative lately of anything

Then until he can learn to be kind and play the game of life nicely, put the things he doesn't appreciate in time out. Stop enabling him. Stop enabling him now 😊

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