Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to break up with DP over this?

52 replies

PenguinBollard · 16/07/2017 11:13

DP and I are both in our late twenties, we've been dating for 3 months.

Curled up in my bed together last night, I came over all soppy and told him I loved him.

A few weeks ago he'd half said it when drunk and also has mentioned on multiple occasions moving in together - so I didn't really think it would be a big deal.

He pulled me closer, kissed me lots and didn't say anything. He kept on snuggling into me and kissing. It was a bit strange after a while and in the end I asked if he was OK, and (with a bit of a jokey tone) if I'd freaked him out. He half laughed and said he was trying to work out why he was freaked out. He then carried on snuggling and kissing.

About an hour later I asked again if he was OK, and he said yes. He denied saying he was freaked out and fell asleep.
He was acting normal and affectionate this morning.

Thing is, now I'M freaked out.
Straight up, I feel like a wanker for saying anything, and then for following it up with questions.
I'm mortified that I said something and it didn't go down well.

My last boyfriend left me just hours after I got made redundant, turned out he'd just been living with me for my money. This has given me trust issues/excess paranoia.

I know now that I'm going to be anxious about this new relationship (even more) and am just waiting for him to leave me, now that I've put my foot in it.

I'm so surprised it went down like that, as previously he'd been the more affectionate one.

It's perhaps worth noting that he's never really had a serious relationship, so perhaps this is the first I love you, he's had.

OP posts:
2014newme · 16/07/2017 11:17

You've only been with him 3 months, he's your boyfriend not your partner.
I wouldn't worry about this incident. Let things take their natural course

Sparkletastic · 16/07/2017 11:18

I wouldn't end it but I'd back off massively

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 16/07/2017 11:19

I put DP as BF is "best friend" in my head.

Sparkletastic How should I "back off"? See him less?

OP posts:
DoubleCarrick · 16/07/2017 11:20

A guy told me he loved me. I smiled, hugged him and freaked out. We're now married. He'll say when he's ready, don't ruin things by overcomplicating them

TheStoic · 16/07/2017 11:20

Somebody has to say it first. Do you think he should be feeling exactly the same way as you at exactly the same time? If you meant the words, that's all that matters.

BeepBeepMOVE · 16/07/2017 11:22

He was obviously trying to reassure you with continuing kissing but isn't ready to say it yet. You've only been dating a few months!

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 16/07/2017 11:25

From what you've written, you're coming across as a bit needy, as in need reassurance. I'd find you very high maint, needing that constant level of attention, and the questioning. As the poster above says, back off a bit with all the drama.

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 16/07/2017 11:25

I realise I'm probably overreacting, I think the last relationship has a say in that. I DESPISE being the vulnerable one, and I messed up by putting myself out there. I have no idea what came over me Blush

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 16/07/2017 11:26

By backing off I mean emotionally - so no more 'I love you' - and practically by being less available and leaving it to him to make arrangements to see each other. Gives him a bit of space but also gives him the message that you aren't necessarily fully invested in the relationship if he isn't.

formerbabe · 16/07/2017 11:26

You're massively over thinking this. 3 months is quite soon to say "I love you".

PollyPerky · 16/07/2017 11:26

TBH I'd be more worried about a guy saying he wants to move in together after 12 weeks. Sure, whirlwinds happen and yes there will be posters who say they moved in after one date and are together 50 years on, but at the same time , I think there is a lot to be said for slow and steady.

Sounds as if he likes the sound of his voice saying this stuff but when YOu do , he backs off.

I'd not mention it again and just go with the flow.

HipsterHunter · 16/07/2017 11:27

Don't back off, just let him be.

He didn't say anything mean. He didn't freeze. He just kept cuddling and kissing you.

He'll say it when he's ready. It's only been 3 months.

GinAndGooseberry · 16/07/2017 11:27

Don't over react to him processing what you said.

But you have to genuinely, genuinely realise that at this point he is just a new boyfriend. I agree with others saying that he is not your partner. I dated a man for six months and I couldn't even call him a bf, he was a man I was dating! but that's perhaps my inability to believe anything will every endure! Remind yourself that you don't know him well enough to know whether or not you want him! After three months you don't know how a man reacts to stress, to boredom, how willing he is to compromise, how he deals with exasperation and irritation, is he all talk? is he ambitious, does he blame others, there are so many things that you don't know after 3 months. I think it can take two years to get to know somebody and everybody seems great in the first two months.

pinkspeckle · 16/07/2017 11:29

Don't worry! Don't overthink things!

I met a gorgeous young man 9 years ago and after spending the whole night talking, told him I loved him, he said it back and currently been married for 18 months and expecting our first child together!

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 16/07/2017 11:30

GinAndGooseberry Ok, thank you.

To be honest, it's FAR too soon for me to be in any kind of relationship since the last guy - this is an example of how I'm clearly not recovered.

I hate the idea of being needy or high maintenance.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 16/07/2017 11:31

If he doesn't respond positively move on. Don't waste time where feelings aren't reciprocated. Plenty more fish in the sea.

If it was the right relationship this really wouldn't be a problem.

feebeecat · 16/07/2017 11:33

DH told me he loved me and wanted to marry me a couple of weeks after we started going out - freaked out did not begin to cover it!
It is all (potentially) scary stuff, but I just tried to ignore the panic & carry on just getting to know each other, take our time.
27 years on we're still together, but it did take us 9 years to get round to getting married Grin
Try not to over think it too much - easier said I know, just enjoy it as it comes. Some of us just need a bit more time to get our heads round such stuff

DerelictWreck · 16/07/2017 11:35

For goodness sake don't 'back-off' or play those games, just do as you want to do in the relationship and carry on. Imagine how you would feel if the reverse happened and then your boyfriend backed off? It would seem as though he were punishing you. You told him you love him which is lovely, and surely you'd prefer he say it when he means it than pretend and lie to you? Carry on as you were so things can take their course, and it'll mean so much to you when he says it too.

OhTheRoses · 16/07/2017 11:36

I don't agree at all ginandgooseberry. DH and I met late 20s. He was in a five year relationship and I was dating. Both others were present at a table at a ball.

DH and his girlfriend broke up the following week. He phoned me a month later. From our second date we have rarely been apart. He said he loved me that night and I knew too. We celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago.

flukeshot · 16/07/2017 11:38

I told my now DH I loved him after three months and he said "great, thanks!" HmmHmmConfused
He said it about a week later.
It's fine! Don't worry. You sound anxious and I think you've worked yourself into a state by overthinking.

OnionKnight · 16/07/2017 11:45

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Bluntness100 · 16/07/2017 11:50

I think dumping him because he didn't say it back is beyond extreme. I'd also say it means you really don't actually love him and shouldn't have said it in the first place as it's not true. If it was true you wouldn't remotely consider dumping him over this.

As such, I'd ask you to think why you lied to him in the first place by saying it. Are you insecure? Want to feel he loves you? In love with the idea of being in love?

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 16/07/2017 11:51

To be fair, he's a "processor" - there have been several occasions where he has taken much longer to properly respond/react to something that i have. I'm pretty "heat of the moment".

OP posts:
Original poster
PenguinBollard · 16/07/2017 11:52

Bluntness100 It's not dumping him because he didn't say it, more running away from the embarrassment. Which is still not great behaviour, I realise.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 16/07/2017 11:55

Don't let your boyfriends exploit you financially. (How much did your gold digger of an ex get out of you that he stayed just for that?) Don't give own your own place for them too early, or at all.

In short, see to it that you do not face financial ruin or homelessness if it turns out they weren't all that.

Then, don't worry.