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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to break up with DP over this?

52 replies

PenguinBollard · 16/07/2017 11:13

DP and I are both in our late twenties, we've been dating for 3 months.

Curled up in my bed together last night, I came over all soppy and told him I loved him.

A few weeks ago he'd half said it when drunk and also has mentioned on multiple occasions moving in together - so I didn't really think it would be a big deal.

He pulled me closer, kissed me lots and didn't say anything. He kept on snuggling into me and kissing. It was a bit strange after a while and in the end I asked if he was OK, and (with a bit of a jokey tone) if I'd freaked him out. He half laughed and said he was trying to work out why he was freaked out. He then carried on snuggling and kissing.

About an hour later I asked again if he was OK, and he said yes. He denied saying he was freaked out and fell asleep.
He was acting normal and affectionate this morning.

Thing is, now I'M freaked out.
Straight up, I feel like a wanker for saying anything, and then for following it up with questions.
I'm mortified that I said something and it didn't go down well.

My last boyfriend left me just hours after I got made redundant, turned out he'd just been living with me for my money. This has given me trust issues/excess paranoia.

I know now that I'm going to be anxious about this new relationship (even more) and am just waiting for him to leave me, now that I've put my foot in it.

I'm so surprised it went down like that, as previously he'd been the more affectionate one.

It's perhaps worth noting that he's never really had a serious relationship, so perhaps this is the first I love you, he's had.

OP posts:
hesterton · 16/07/2017 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 16/07/2017 11:57

VestalVirgin Ex owes me about £11k.

And "Don't worry" needs to be tattooed on the back of my hand I think!

OP posts:
chirpyburbycheapsheep · 16/07/2017 11:58

Ignore posters who accuse you of being 'needy' or 'high maintenance' and who offer you tactical advice on how to behave around him. You were honest in the moment and that is fine. His reaction was also fine. People develop feelings for people at different rates. It's all good. He didn't run for the hills so clearly something is going right. But try not too stress too much. Carry on as normal and be yourself. This doesn't reflect badly on you, it really doesn't.

BachingMad · 16/07/2017 11:58

Just be honest, be yourself and don't worry.

If that's how you feel it's how you feel; no need to feel anxious or apologetic. It certainly doesn't mean you are needy. We got engaged on our 3rd date, have 3 sons, and have just celebrated 25 years of marriage, and we are neither of us needy, it's just how we felt! You are allowed to be spontaneous; if you feel constrained and awkward, he's not Mr Right!

Don't let your previous experience damage something good.

doistayordoigo · 16/07/2017 12:03

When my DH told me he loved me I couldn't say it back...I did love him but had "issues" with saying it. We'd been living together for months before I felt able to say it back...he was very patient, I just told him I'd say it when I was ready, and obviously when I did it was all the more special because he knew I really, really meant it.

He also once said that just because he'd come on holiday with me it didn't mean we were going to get married or anything (??) but we've been together 20 years now, and married for 18. Just relax and go with the flow and see what happens...

Welshmaenad · 16/07/2017 12:07

I've been with my BF for nine months. I told him I loved him recently, because I do. He went "Aww!". Then he said "you're not bad". Then he sang me the champion the wonder horse theme song, then he went to sleep cuddling me extra tightly. He's still never said it.

In previous relationships this would have made ne paranoid but I'm not paranoid with him, because that's just him, that was an exemplary BF response Grin. He doesn't say things, but he demonstrates them. I know he cares about me because of the things he does for me. He brings me strawberries from his garden and wraps me in a blanket when I'm feeling poorly and kisses me on the head when we're watching the news.

Does your DP demonstrate that he cares for you, in the little ways that really matter? If he does, don't stress about this at all. They're only words, they can be said without meaning, but feelings can also be demonstrated without words.

wanders off singing Extreme

Teddy7878 · 16/07/2017 12:07

I said it to my DP first and it took him another 3 months to say it back. He now says it all the time and we are moving in together. I think it sometimes takes certain people longer to evaluate their emotions so I wouldn't take it personally. The fact he was still kissing and cuddling you after you said it shows he can't have been THAT freaked out. If he knew he definitely didn't have those sorts of feelings for you and probably never would then I'm sure he would have just gone really cold and distant after you said it.
Maybe wait until the 6 month point of your relationship and say it again. If he still doesn't say it back then definitely have a frank discussion with him about how he actually feels about you

JungleInTheRumble · 16/07/2017 12:10

Don't stress about it. I told my boyfriend I loved him a good six months before we started exclusively dating (tbf I was completely off my face so perhaps he put it down to that). He patted me on the head and said that's nice. Seven years later here we are. I don't remember the first time he told me he loved me but it was a long time after I'd said it.

If you love him you love him. Just move on from any embarrassment or whatever and give him time to process it.

AnUtterIdiot · 16/07/2017 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MikeUniformMike · 16/07/2017 12:21

PenguinBollard, I am sorry to hear of your previous relationship, but try not to let it ruin your current one.

I think you need to not have your boyfriend so central to your life. Have other things in your life too - friends, work, interests, hobbies, and so on.

It is normal to worry but sometimes when you are thinking "What if...?" try thinking "What if it doesn't?"

You sound nice. I hope your boyfriend turns out to be a good in.

rightwhine · 16/07/2017 12:30

It will mean far more when he says it off his own back. It would have meant nothing it he'd just automatically said it back.

Continue as you have done. Perhaps don't say it again and no more questions but just continue being affectionate and see how it goes.

I think he was just "processing" it and his continued normal behaviour is a fantastic sign.

SpookyBookey · 16/07/2017 12:36

People are ready to say it at different times, one of my friends was only comfortable saying it three years in after a couple of really bad relationships - they were just terrified of being hurt again so had to be really sure.

Just continue as normal, actions speak louder than words anyway, if he is being his normal self and being affectionate then I wouldn't worry at the moment.

orangewasp · 16/07/2017 12:40

Then he sang me the champion the wonder horse theme song - brilliant - I'd marry him!

Neither of you have done anything wrong and nor should you feel awkward. Just keep seeing him and see how things play out.

Hulder · 16/07/2017 12:45

DH took ages to say he loved me.

Once he said it the once, he didn't say it again.

Eventually, I realised he would update me if the situation changed Grin

Someone has to say it first, if he's more of a processor he might not respond straight away or ever but not rushing to say it is a good sign. Means he thinks about things.

Defuzzing · 16/07/2017 12:47

Isn't it better than he automatically saying it back to you and not meaning it? If you start out too intense, it probably won't last.

user1476869312 · 16/07/2017 12:47

The only thing that would concern me slightly is that he is the one talking about moving in together, yet didn't respond all that enthusiastically to your declaration of love. That could indicate a man who wants to be the one 'in charge of' the relationship.
But, after three months, I would advise you relax and enjoy and see what happens. If you start feeling that he's not the right one after all, just bin and move on.

Neverknowing · 16/07/2017 13:01

It's a good thing he didn't say it !! It means when he does say it he'll mean it. He's the type that doesn't just say shit to make you happy, to me that's so important in a person.
Means he won't lie to you about loving you and you'll know for certain!

MikeUniformMike · 16/07/2017 13:05

good in not good in.

AuroraFloyd · 16/07/2017 13:06

I quite literally ran away from a bloke when told me he loved me. I just said "Ok bye!", disappeared around the corner and high tailed it home.

We've been married a decade now.

magicstar1 · 16/07/2017 13:11

Same here...guy told me he loved me and I proper freaked out and was going to dump him. I didn't in the end, and we're married nine years now

Original poster
PenguinBollard · 16/07/2017 13:23

Thank you to everyone for your reassurances, I genuinely feel much better now.
I'm a panicker. And an overthinker.
He is way way more laid back than I am, and definitely slower (for want of a better word).
Actions do speak better than words and he was very lovely, as always, this morning and has messaged me since leaving the house.

OP posts:
Trollspoopglitter · 16/07/2017 13:30

Sorry but it is a big deal to say it. It is a huge deal to get an "I love you" back. As Seinfeld points you, now you've got a huge matzo ball hanging out there now.
George says I love you

DistanceCall · 16/07/2017 14:22

It's not such a big deal. Just carry on as normal. Really.

kshaw · 16/07/2017 15:28

To make you feel a bit better when I told my fella I loved him (again he'd drunkenly hinted at it before) on our first weekend away together he looked at me and after a couple of seconds said 'so, who do you think will win the X factor this year'. I Shit you not. But hey we're nearly 6 years later, got a gorgeous daughter and engaged now. He said it to me after a couple of weeks.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 16/07/2017 15:32

I said it first, he didnt say it back.
But that was ok, although i felt a fool, i knew when he did say it, he meant it.
Means more than someone just saying it willy nilly