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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends child nearly run over...

93 replies

LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2017 11:01

"I think he's learned his lesson now' she told me. He's 7. Ran into the road at a crossing by the school, after pressing the button but not waiting for the green man. Apparently she was 'chatting away as usual' to someone. Wasn't holding his hand. Car was driven my school staff who did an emergency stop, little boy was flung onto the car bonnet and into the road he is very lucky to be OK. Staff ran them to the hospital to get him checked over and he was fine. Must have been pretty scary for him though.

I don't get my friend's reaction though. I would hold their hand at that age, at a crossing, my DS 8 does that with me. But is was all about him being a livewire and having learned his lesson. AIBU?

OP posts:

toosexyforyahshirt · 16/07/2017 12:44

The only one I feel sorry for is the poor innocent driver

You have no feeling for a child hit by a car?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/07/2017 12:46

If she has difficulty taking responsibility for her actions, she's probably repeating herself to deflect her self blame and angst. If this is the case, it's coming out as him learning his lesson but inside she's telling herself what an idiot she is. She probably means herself but she's unable to acknowledge this either to herself or the outside world.

All of this doesn't help the child though. And well done for not agreeing with her.

Mistigri · 16/07/2017 12:50

It sounds like a genuine accident. A child that age shouldn't need to have their hand held, they should be at least minimally traffic aware, but at 7 kids can be prone to impulsiveness. Adults should be watching of course but you can't be 100% vigilent 100% of the time (unless you're a mumsnet supermum - most of us aren't).

My DS was quite badly hurt in an accident aged 9. He was outside his best friend's house - residential street beside a canal, little traffic, cars can't go fast because they have to pass through a narrow arch. DS is a naturally cautious sensible child. But he stepped out from behind parked cars, in a place where his visibility was limited and where he could not hear the sound of the car arriving because of the noise of running water. It was a genuine accident and I felt terrible for the driver (an older lady who was not going too fast).

And it did teach him to be extremely careful around moving vehicles ;)

Tofutti · 16/07/2017 12:56

I would just have just joked 'he needs to be on a tight leish'

Not sure why this thread is needed, seems to be a stealth parenting boast, that it would never happen to your kids.

AbsentmindedWoman · 16/07/2017 13:32

It's clear to me that the OP felt rattled by the shock of a child well-known to her being hit by a car, and is trying to reassure herself that of course it would never happen to her because she does things 'properly' ie holds her child's hand.

Reasoning things out like this allows you to make sense of something terrifying, while comforting yourself that you are safe, because you do things 'better'.

I feel sorry for the child knocked down, his mother and the driver. Fucking horrible shock for them all. There but for the grace of God goes any one of us, these things can happen in a split second of misjudging a situation.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/07/2017 13:56

Absolutely Absentminded that makes complete sense and it's probably something we all do subconsciously.

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 16/07/2017 13:57

How do you know she doesn't feel terrible? We all get distracted sometimes, and children are all careless sometimes. You ought to be glad he's ok and supporting your friend through what was probably the worst moment of her life. And she's right, he probably has learned his lesson. She has too, and I'm certain she'll keep a closer watch on him from now on.

My daughter is 2 and has a habit of jumping down the stairs. One day she slipped down the bottom half of the stairs. Once I knew she was ok, my thought was 'at least she's learned her lesson' and she has been much more careful since. Would you blame me and expect me to blame myself for this?

Surely accidents happen, it's not like she pushed him into the road to show him how dangerous cars can be! What do you expect her to say and do following such an awful experience? Do you think she should be punishing herself somehow?

MsPassepartout · 16/07/2017 14:14

I have 3 DC - eldest is 5 - so if I have them all at once, then no, I'm not always holding the 5 yr olds hand.
The holding onto the pushchair idea isn't a reliable option either - easy enough for a child to let go of the pushchair and walk off if the fancy takes them.

I do watch my 5yr old closely by roads, and we're working on road safety (e.g. getting the DC to look and listen properly before we cross roads every time, rather than letting them rely entirely on me looking out for traffic).

But anyway, I'd expect a NT 7 yr old to not need their hand held every time they cross a road.

Lurkedforever1 · 16/07/2017 14:22

Yabu. Yes, she's a prat if at 7 she hasn't taught him any road sense, but you're hardly in a position to criticise that op are you?

Or are we all supposed to congratulate you on how wonderful you are not to bother teaching your ds basic life skills?

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 16/07/2017 17:53

OP: ooh ooh MN look at my BAD "friend" please pile in and join me in judging her awfulness as a mother!!!!

MN: er, no, actually, we are going to judge YOU for being a judgey horrible friend.

OP: but but deaths and teens and and and ... she was a BAAAAD mum

MN:

OP: Flounce.

corythatwas · 16/07/2017 18:17

Surely before you let your child walk alone to school there needs to be a fairly long transition stage where you are not physically holding onto them and gradually making it more and more clear that they are expected to think for themselves?

If my 7yo had suddenly dashed across the road I would indeed have been angry with her. Because that training and transition stage had already started long before then and she knew.

If the mother hasn't taught her son to walk safely, then she is to blame for that. But not for thinking this is a lesson he needs to learn.

corythatwas · 16/07/2017 18:35

Of course I would also have felt tremendously guilty. In the ordinary mother way that will still make me feel guilty if dd falls into the road or attracts some ghastly disease when I'm out of the country next week. Notwithstanding the fact that dd is well old enough to look after herself. Maternal guilt is not a separate thing from "you should have remembered what you have been told", the two go perfectly well together.

PossumInAPearTree · 16/07/2017 18:39

He probably has learnt his lesson.

Twenty years ago I ran a random 7yo who ran out from behind a hedge without looking. When I stopped by the following day to see how she was doing her dad said that she'd learned a big lesson and would never run out in the road again.

Sirzy · 16/07/2017 18:43

Even with the best will in the world accidents happen.

Ds is 7 and due to his autism has no road sense and when he is walking (he is often in a SN chair) I have to be hyper vigilant.

However the vast majority of his peers are more than able to run ahead of their parents and stop and the road or whatever.

notgivingin789 · 16/07/2017 18:54

A little bit off topic. I'm slightly annoyed by a few posters who keep mentioning " a child by 7 should of learnt to cross the road by themselves (No SN)" or " A 7 year old child doesn't need to hold his parents hand when crossing the road, unless they have SN".

It's almost saying that a child with SEN cannot be taught and SN comes in varies of degrees and abilities.

My son is 7, has SEN and can stop and wait at the cross roads, look both ways when crossing the street, wait for the green man but still looks both sides of the roads (incase a car comes out of nowhere and drives past the red light). He can also cross the road by himself, without me holding his hand. He knew this, because I taught him.

Anyway, no OP I wouldn't be judgemental.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 16/07/2017 18:55

One of my DC was horrific for road safety for a long time. It did give me nightmares. He used to run out of my hand. I held it harder and harder and he'd slip out.

I always roll my eyes the comments on here about "barring SEN". You do realise that not all kids with SEN are diagnosed by the time they start school? That parents fight and fight to get their concerns taken seriously?

My road-safety-horror DC wasn't finally dx with ASD until 11. I was judged so many times by other parents for the way he behaved by roads and how I reacted in fear. Fortunately more people were kind and helpful and would field him as he made a run for it though the school run crowd.

I'm sure I frequently said things about hoping he'd learned his lesson. He was never knocked over though.

That same child suddenly grasped it all and I was able to let him walk to and from school from 9.

Natsku · 16/07/2017 18:58

Well hopefully he has learnt his lesson! A seven year old ought to have enough road sense to wait for the green man and not need their hand held - its one of those really important things we need to teach children from a very young age, how to tell when its safe to cross the road and if we do that then most children should be able to cross safely by age seven.

unlucky83 · 17/07/2017 01:19

not
A little bit off topic. I'm slightly annoyed by a few posters who keep mentioning " a child by 7 should of learnt to cross the road by themselves (No SN)" or " A 7 year old child doesn't need to hold his parents hand when crossing the road, unless they have SN".

I said this too... and I don't think it is an insult/criticism - just a fact really. And some children with SN do have greater needs than others.

As I said DD1 has ADHD - she wasn't diagnosed until 14. However even without a diagnosis I knew she was impulsive, easily distracted etc. So although I didn't hold her hand to cross roads at 7 - I did know I needed to keep an eye on her. I didn't let her walk to school on her own until she was 9 - nearly 10, which is older than average in this area.

DD2 is a very different child - more sensible, thoughtful, less impulsive (pretty sure she doesn't have any SN). I was confident letting her walk to school at 7.

DD1's diagnosis explains the difference ...before I would have just said it was personality -which it still is really - just I know now there was an explanation, a reason for DD1 being the way she was/is...
She did know how to cross a road etc -but there was a chance she would forget...
In fact at 13 I saw her run across the road - causing a car to brake heavily (a real heart in the mouth moment) - she saw her bus was coming and didn't want to miss it, so she just ran. I guess 'NT' children do things like that as well - but with ADHD she is more likely to act without thinking....

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