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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD MIL is crazy!

79 replies

Whoooooooho · 15/07/2017 23:24

First time posting as I don't know what to do with my MIL

Firstly some background: I'm from abroad, married to a lovely English man that is an amazing father and husband. We have a 1 year old baby.

We had my mother helping us at the beginning and then she went back home. My MIL has been helping us for just over a month. She's fine with that but she'll need to stop coming for various reasons - her relationship with my husband is very bad and her other son often wants her to look after his dogs and his children (even though he's got his own mother in law very near by him and his wife doesn't work, but not my place to judge or say anything about their arrangements and priorities).

My mother is coming to stay with me for a while and also to help us (we really need as we are totally alone in the place we live, I'm working etc plus my husband adores my mum and he is looking forward to have her extra pair of hands around). Besides, the last time she saw our child was last year as she lives in another continent.
My MIL hates the idea that she's coming. She's doesn't agree that we should have my mother around because she'll go away to my home country, doesn't like that she would feed our child with fruits from my country (we just buy from Tesco) and that she would cook meals from my country to my child, doesn't agree that she learns my language and says that we are in England so as English we should live (I'm not sure what she means by that). I know it sounds silly but I had enough.

She says that we should put our child in a nursery and calls me a lady sheep because her daughter is alone in another country and doesn't have any help (she adopted two children over 5 years old).
I just cannot stand my MIL anymore. Every single day she says something unpleasant. Her favourite words are "ridiculous" and "rubbish". Once she snapped at me because I "don't chat" with her. But all she wants is to talk bad things about people that I don't know or say how much better her country/culture is compared to mine.
Honestly I don't know how to deal with that! We are in a situation that we need some help right now (I won't get into many details). My husband doesnt want to have any contact with her and he's not speaking to her even when they're in the same room.
What should I do with her? This week she's coming and honestly I'm about to explode. Advices?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 16/07/2017 21:19

Childminder or daycare nursery is your answer.

Yes of course it is expensive, but you would probably all be happier for it.

Allthewaves · 16/07/2017 21:48

You don't need help you need childcare, which you can pay someone to do. If you don't like the woman and she's that nasty then stop using her as free childcare

IHateUncleJamie · 16/07/2017 21:59

Plenty of people have NO help from their parents or PILs for various reasons. If she's that awful, you have to make a choice - tolerate her behaviour because she's helping you, or go low contact with her and pay for childcare/cleaning/a cook/whatever else she does.

I'm afraid you can't have it both ways.

GreenTulips · 16/07/2017 22:10

You may get tax credits to help
with the cost

Atenco · 16/07/2017 22:24

Well, you're both being vile to a woman who is helping you a great deal. Eithe be bloody grateful that she's prepared to help you despite her son's incredible rudeness to her and your, undoubtedly obvious, dislike of her, and behave like decent human beings, or joust get on with things by yourselves

I'm afraid I agree. She doesn't sound like a very nice person, but only a saint (or a masochist) would put up with the treatment that you and your husband are giving her in return for fulltime childminding for free.

I've always made it a policy never ever to ask for favours from people I don't like. It's totally wrong.

JessieMcJessie · 16/07/2017 23:05

You've been working full time since DC (now 1) was 2 months old.
You say that the last time your own mother saw your DC was last year.
You also say that MIL has been helping out for a month.
So who has been looking after DC for most of this year while you have been working?

Original poster
Whoooooooho · 16/07/2017 23:05

Some really nice advices in here - many thanks! Although I was not make the point about our arrangements but about the rude and xenophobic behaviour towards me.

And yes, we'll sort out a nursery very soon but not whilist my mother is here obviously. She'll be glad to look after her grandchild and once she leaves my dc will go to a nursery X

OP posts:
Tofutti · 16/07/2017 23:20

It sounds like now your mum is coming you don't needMIL anymore so you and DH are hoping to go NC.

You sound dreadful OP. Hopefully you'll need her help again one day and she tells you no.

Jux · 17/07/2017 00:02

Right, so you're not prepared to pay for childcare while you can get it for free from someone you can be horrible to and about while they do you this massive favour. What delightful people you are.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 17/07/2017 00:03

Agree with Tofutti, Sashkin and others. The more you say, the more you sound selfish and mean and your mother-in-law sounds like the victim. Poor lady.

IHateUncleJamie · 17/07/2017 08:59

Xenophobia is never acceptable. If your MIL is being that rude to you, completely unprovoked, then she sounds horrible.

However. It sounds as though you and your DH have been using her as an unpaid nanny - because despite not speaking to her, your DH "thought she'd like to help" 😐 and now because your own Mother's coming, you don't want your MIL around.

So basically you've been using your MIL as an unpaid nanny and now you don't need her any more, you want to confront her and then not see her any more?

I'm sorry but she's either too awful to tolerate, or she's not. You don't get to use someone as free labour then complain about them when you don't need them any more.

If that's not what you wanted to hear then perhaps you should have a think about your and your DH's behaviour.

AsleepAtMyDesk · 17/07/2017 09:12

You are not coming across very well in this situation OP.

BoraThirch · 17/07/2017 09:21

She sounds horrible, but so do you and your DH!

You both dislike her but are using her for free childcare, your DH is ignoring her, and then as soon as your mother arrives you're going to have no more use for her.

Original poster
Whoooooooho · 17/07/2017 15:24

Based on various opinions here we are all an awful lot - which might be true. We are not victims or villains. And for those who said I'm getting my mother over so I can not have MIL with me are wrong. My mother offered to come and she doesn't see herself has "free childcare". When my MIL criticises my DM coming as she would not be a consistent care, my mother says "but I am not childcare, I am a grandmother who loves her grandchild". There's a massive difference between freecare and the relationship between DC and grandmothers. Maybe I'm just lucky that my family is supportive and don't see themselves as free labour. And maybe I'm wrong for seeing my MIL as "grandmother of my child" when actually I should look at her as a free childcare. I will look into my situation from a different point of view from now on.

OP posts:
ElizabethShaw · 17/07/2017 17:45

You're using her as free childcare though aren't you? And just putting up with her until you don't need her.

IcingandSlicing · 17/07/2017 18:50

I read the whole thread.
I think there is a cultural difference here. For the English people obviously all labour should be paid and labour is anything one person does for another - like looking after the children, cleaning or cooking.

Yes, they can decide to do it for free but if they happen to do the same or very similar things throughout the week, every day, then it's like an employment.

Maybe your MIL just prefers to do something else in her free time.

For other nations, family is everything - they will do everything for their family, including letting their kids to live with them well after they're 30, cooking for them, doing the laundry, cleaning and not even asking for money in exchange or what is accepted in the UK - a rent for living in your parents' house.
So taking care of the younger kids and grandchildren is not a chore, it's expected, that's how people from different culture behave towards family.
So I think you OP have to recognise that you are asking things that she may not be prepared to do and enjoy while doing.

On the other hand I can understand with the current rise in xenophobia how things might get interpreted if differences arise among the members of the same family.

Your MIL certainly crossed a line by criticising your way of life - food, language etc, and thus didn't set up for the best behaviour towards herself. It's reciprocal - they you treat others is how they'll treat you too.
So I don't particularly criticise OP for not talking to her, it's more difficult with certain people.

My advice would be if you can't be friends with her which would be difficult under the current circumstances, don't ask her to look after your child.
However, I wish you all the best in this tricky situation.

Original poster
Whoooooooho · 17/07/2017 20:32

IcingandSlicing Many thanks for your words. I think you're right! I was wondering if it was a cultural difference and probably it is. What would you suggest once the childcare provided by her is finnished? Should I send her some money or offer something in return?

OP posts:
Atenco · 17/07/2017 20:40

"For other nations, family is everything - they will do everything for their family, including letting their kids to live with them well after they're 30, cooking for them, doing the laundry, cleaning and not even asking for money in exchange or what is accepted in the UK - a rent for living in your parents' house"

Yes, that is true, but it is also part of those cultures to treat mothers, MILs and grandmothers with respect.

pikapoo · 17/07/2017 20:44

Definitely a cultural difference at play here - what IcingandSlicing said. I'm from Asia and even after living in the UK for over 10 years, am still astounded by the difference when it comes to family relationships and expectations. For example, this concept of "unpaid childcare by granny" does not exist where I come from - it's just granny being granny!

Original poster
Whoooooooho · 17/07/2017 20:58

Atenco I don't know if you read the whole thread but I've never said anything disrespectful to my MIL. I only don't talk to her for long hours over tea her because she's racist, xenophobic towards me and my family and always will bring up a comparison between us and her. Btw my family treats her son really well dispite of any cultural differences.

Pikapoo my MIL says that this is because we are from "poor countries" and people are "useless and unable to look after themselves" Hmm

My mum would feel really offended if I treated her like a "nanny" or "free child care". She says she loves her grandchild and feels happy for being able to help and she wish she could do more.

My MIL will stop coming from next week anyway as she needs to look after my BIL dogs because he's going on a holiday with his family and when he's back my mother will be here already.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 17/07/2017 21:33

My MIL (British as they come) has a very similar attitude to childcare as your DM. She keeps open house and he more the merrier. She rarely puts herself first. However, my own DM will take care of my DD with a good amount of advance notice and for fixed hours - she finds it exhausting and has many other commitments. Guess which of them had a professional career?

I respect both attitudes and would not exploit either of them. I try to help them both with things when I can.

I think what you should ask yourself, OP, is which kind of granny you will be. If you are so career orientated that you have worked since DC was 2 months, are you likely to morph into earth mother granny? Women who 'just do what grannies do' don't tend to have other marketable skills. IMO it's a sign of levels of gender equality in that society.

All in all though, I'm afraid you do tend to get what you pay for in this type of situation.

Original poster
Whoooooooho · 17/07/2017 21:56

Phineyj
My MIL always been a housewife and my DM is retired and was successful in her field so it doesn't reflect any society really.
I think is too soon for me to know the type of grandmother I'm going to be Grin

OP posts:
pikapoo · 17/07/2017 21:57

I see Phineyj's point about SAHM vs working mothers and how that might shape their attitude once they become grannies. However, in this case there is a clear sense from OP's posts that OP's MIL has a touch of xenophobia about her!

Atenco · 17/07/2017 22:02

My criticism, OP, I think is maybe not so much with you, though I personally wouldn't ask someone I didn't like to mind my child, but that your husband blanks his own mother while using her for childcare.

Original poster
Whoooooooho · 17/07/2017 22:04

Phineyj And also you're wrongly assuming that I am career orientated. I've been working because my DH was not earning enough to support us and asked me to help financially as soon as I could.

OP posts:
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