WWYD MIL is crazy!

[Whoooooooho]

First time posting as I don't know what to do with my MIL

Firstly some background: I'm from abroad, married to a lovely English man that is an amazing father and husband. We have a 1 year old baby.

We had my mother helping us at the beginning and then she went back home. My MIL has been helping us for just over a month. She's fine with that but she'll need to stop coming for various reasons - her relationship with my husband is very bad and her other son often wants her to look after his dogs and his children (even though he's got his own mother in law very near by him and his wife doesn't work, but not my place to judge or say anything about their arrangements and priorities).

My mother is coming to stay with me for a while and also to help us (we really need as we are totally alone in the place we live, I'm working etc plus my husband adores my mum and he is looking forward to have her extra pair of hands around). Besides, the last time she saw our child was last year as she lives in another continent.
My MIL hates the idea that she's coming. She's doesn't agree that we should have my mother around because she'll go away to my home country, doesn't like that she would feed our child with fruits from my country (we just buy from Tesco) and that she would cook meals from my country to my child, doesn't agree that she learns my language and says that we are in England so as English we should live (I'm not sure what she means by that). I know it sounds silly but I had enough.

She says that we should put our child in a nursery and calls me a lady sheep because her daughter is alone in another country and doesn't have any help (she adopted two children over 5 years old).
I just cannot stand my MIL anymore. Every single day she says something unpleasant. Her favourite words are "ridiculous" and "rubbish". Once she snapped at me because I "don't chat" with her. But all she wants is to talk bad things about people that I don't know or say how much better her country/culture is compared to mine.
Honestly I don't know how to deal with that! We are in a situation that we need some help right now (I won't get into many details). My husband doesnt want to have any contact with her and he's not speaking to her even when they're in the same room.
What should I do with her? This week she's coming and honestly I'm about to explode. Advices?

[DailyMailReadersAreThick]

This all sounds really bizarre. Why is she around so often if you hate her and her son won't talk to her? Just stop contact with her - how much more simple could it be?

[Jux]

OK, I apologise for the husband comment (but he does hide in another room when she's around).

You don't need a backbone, you just need to stop having her come to you. Why do you let her? Do you invite her?

[happypoobum]

I don't understand.

Your husband doesn't want anything to do with her.

She is a horrible woman who is rude to you and hateful to have around.

Why is she coming to stay? It doesn't make any sense. Just tell her/or get DH to tell her she cannot come. Then avoid her. Job done. You are definitely overthinking this and making it far more complicated than it needs to be.

Also, you are not really supporting your husband by insisting on having a relationship with this toxic woman.

[Beeziekn33ze]

If you need MiL's help at present just try to ignore what she says. Only talk about neutral topics. Don't get involved except about the shopping, washing or whatever work is needed. Thank her for her help every so often!
When you no longer need her help wave her off to her DS with dogs and don't make any arrangements for her to stay again. Heave a sigh of relief and enjoy having your own DM to help you.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Hi OP, I think you should cut contact with her, support your husband on this one. Do you really need her to come over this week ?
She sounds toxic, let your husband put a stop to this.
I hope you have a wonderful time, when your DM comes over to visit.

[Gingerandgivingzerofucks]

Why are you letting her come to stay when your DH doesn't even talk to her? It's going to be very stressful. I would find a childminder if I were you.

[Whoooooooho]

Beeziekn33ze yeah unfortunately I need her help (I won't get into many details but note that my DH doesn't like her and we still have her around so you can imagine that right now we don't have another option). But I would not like to just stop talking to her. She's being talking bad things about us a lot (messaging her friends, my fil, bil, sil and god know who else) and I think she should hear something in return. I wish I was brave enough for that!

[GreenTulips]

Do you want that round your kids?

Seriously what's she telling them?

[Heatherjayne1972]

You should be teaching the children both languages. Presumably they have reletives in your home country that they need to speak to?
I think you and dh need to present a united front and go nc
After all your children should be your priority

[RandomUsernameHere]

If your husband doesn't want to see her either then surely it's very easy to not see her? Just ask him to tell her.

[Jux]

You need her.

Well, you're both being vile to a woman who is helping you a great deal. Eithe be bloody grateful that she's prepared to help you despite her son's incredible rudeness to her and your, undoubtedly obvious, dislike of her, and behave like decent human beings, or joust get on with things by yourselves.

You should both be thoroughly ashamed. Move away and save the poor woman the trouble.

[Hudson10]

Eh? If she's so horrible, and her own ds (your husband) is disengaging, why do you continue to push and to have her over to help?
That makes no sense. If she's that bad and you need help, then you get a nanny or some other type of help.

[Hudson10]

Sorry, forgot to add - as for the languages, that is absolutely nothing to do with her so let that wash right over your head.
Of course your children should learn both the languages of their parents, and especially if that's what you want.

[Whoooooooho]

Jux

Yes, we do need her and there's no shame in that. I'm sure a lot of people need help and I'm sure some other family members/friend can offer help without being nasty, specially when it's their own son/grandchild involved. But as you said we'll get on with things by ourselves but I'm not sure we just should go NC after many things she said - because we need her does this give her the right to behave like that? Should the attitude be "so just go and ignore her forever" the right choice? I don't think so! And I'd like to hear some advices on how to effectively confront her.

[SaucyJack]

"Yes, we do need her and there's no shame in that."

Actually, it doesn't reflect well on your husband and you in the slightest that you expect her to come and help you out when your husband hates her so much he can't even stand to speak to her when she's a guest in your home.

You can't change her behaviour, but you can damn well change your own.

[RortyCrankle]

You have a one year old child and presumably don't work yet your husband comes home and then cooks and cleans but you 'want' not 'need' help from your DM. To do what?

Quite honestly if the MiL is as bad as you say she is, why would you want her helping and staying in your home?

[user1497357411]

I can understand why your MILs own daughter hardly ever talks to her. I suggest you and DH start following in his sister's footsteps in that regard.

[Whoooooooho]

RortyCrankle I've been working full time since dc was 2 months old

[RebelRogue]

You'll have to decide which need is greater..the need for childcare or the need to have her out of your life.

[Sashkin]

Ah now that puts a slightly different spin on things doesn't it?

So you ask her to come to stay to provide extended free childcare, then your DH doesn't speak to her, you barely tolerate her, and you and DC are speaking another language in front of her? And you think she's being unreasonable for asking you to chat to her occasionally? When she is staying with you? Poor woman.

I see why she call you "ladyship". You sound spectacularly entitled. Put your hand in your pocket and pay for a nanny.

[juliasalinger]

She sounds awful. Truly nasty and toxic in her comments.

But I don't understand your constant insistence that you 'need help'. Yes you work full time, so do what the rest of us with no family or close friends nearby do and arrange paid childcare. Or one or both of you give up work/go part time.

Or am I missing some reason you cannot do this/need more help than usual?

[sleeponeday]

You can't have it both ways. Either you get the unpaid childcare and domestic help, or you get to call the shots. She IS helping you out, and hugely so, and you aren't even a tiny bit grateful.

Honestly if you were my DIL I'd tell you to pay for a nanny. You are exploiting someone you dislike by playing on her family loyalties and planning how to shove her out of your lives totally in the future... but only after you've told her what a piece of crap you think she is.

No, what she has said doesn't sound very nice. At all. But you are using her quite ruthlessly, and that's worse.

[WinnieTheWitch50]

Tbf you sound rude and entitled. Why do you need her help?? If you hate her so much tell her not to come

[sleeponeday]

I'm sure a lot of people need help and I'm sure some other family members/friend can offer help without being nasty, specially when it's their own son/grandchild involved.

My mother drives me nuts in many, many ways. But she is still doing me a favour when she cares for my kids. I know that. Nobody has a perfect relationship with family, and there is, always, a price to be paid and/or a compromise to be made with childcare, whether the price is monetary or emotional. That's the reality.

Why aren't you paying a childminder, if you both hate MIL this much? That's what most people do if family aren't available, or aren't desired, for whatever reason.

[WinnieTheWitch50]

Get a child minder or send DC to nursery.