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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Transgender child

70 replies

KnackeredHag · 15/07/2017 16:47

This isn't really an AIBU, more of a WWYD but as you will see I can't discuss yet in RL and could do with some advice.

My son is 14. He's a good kid, gets on with people and has what I'd call an old head on a young body and has always been quite sensitive to feelings and emotions.

He has spoken to me today to say that he believes he may be transgender and in his words he 'thinks being a girl would make him happy'. He has been talking with a girl on a LGTBQ forum and says he identifies with how she felt prior to living as a woman and that he is 95% certain that he is a female born into a male body. This completely out of the blue.

I suppose my WWYD is where do I go from here? I will fully support him whatever he decides, I love him and want him to be happy. I suggested he maybe speaks to a therapist, not to stop him feeling this way but to make sure that it's not that he is trying to find himself and the thought of being someone else is more appealing than who he is right now IYSWIM? That is not me belittling his feelings btw just exploring all aspects. I'm not sure if suggesting that is unreasonable alone. He has asked me not to speak to his step dad about it until he is certain that this is what he wants, but selfishly I feel I do need some advice, hence my posting. Thank you.

PS I am heading out shortly so my presence here maybe slightly sporadic.

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 15/07/2017 16:49

I think specialist counselling is the way forward. Just support them while they figure everything out

Original poster
KnackeredHag · 15/07/2017 16:50

Thanks booboo. I think that has to be our next step.

OP posts:
JCo24 · 15/07/2017 16:58

Just to let you know and feel more in control of this situation, in order to transition, one has to undergo a considerable amount of counselling before being able to transition. And this is to make sure that it is what that person needs.
So nothing particularly drastic will happen for a couple of years I expect.
It's not quite as easy as saying, I think I'm a [gender] not a [gender].

This is possibly the worst place to post this though, MNetters are notorious for being extremely transphobic. Have you searched for any LGBTQ+ groups in your local community? It might be worth making contact and asking them questions?

I hope you don't mind me asking but does your son consider himself heterosexual at the moment?

VestalVirgin · 15/07/2017 16:59

This site: 4thwavenow.com/ might help.

sleighbellend · 15/07/2017 17:01

Can you ask him how, as a male, he has any concept of what being female is, any more than I could know what it's like to be a cat or a tree?

Booboobooboo84 · 15/07/2017 17:03

@sleighbellend seriously? Grow the fuck up. This is a child we are talking about.

Loraline · 15/07/2017 17:05

I'm not sure that's helpful vestal virgin . OP doesn't need groups with a strong agenda from either side. Just a bit of help sensitively navigating a tricky situation.

Pengggwn · 15/07/2017 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeenAndTween · 15/07/2017 17:05

MNetters are notorious for being extremely transphobic

I think MNetters are more transsceptic than transphobic.

OP, your DS may be trans, or gay, or just a 14yo sorting out his emotions. Support him, whilst not getting on any fast moving trains before he's really had time to think, process and grow up.

PlayOnWurtz · 15/07/2017 17:07

Whatever you do stay well away from mermaids. Seek impartial agencies to help him find his path, for now he needs a counsellor to offload to and keep him away from Tumblr

DotForShort · 15/07/2017 17:09

Sadly, I think it is unlikely you will receive many supportive responses on MN. I would try to keep the lines of communication open with your child and provide as much help as you can, from moral support and acceptance to assistance in seeking professional advice and guidance. Good luck.

sleighbellend · 15/07/2017 17:11

Booboobooboo84 yes, seriously. He is male - how can he know what being female is, beyond stereotypes? I feel bad for him but he is not a woman.

BeefyCakes · 15/07/2017 17:12

It's interesting that you say he's never expressed this before, and only did whilst talking to someone on the Internet.

Therapy is the way forward. It seems like hes a follower and wants to fit into the group that he's speaking to online.

BalthazarImpresario · 15/07/2017 17:12

I think therapy is a good place to start, I can only see it helpful for them to have a space where they can freely explore their feelings without reaction (which as parents we may have no matter how supportive, iykwim)

This is in addition to of course doing what you are doing, supporting and letting them be.

My DC didn't want any discussion regarding their sexuality (I know this is so so different to that) as they didn't feel it necessary (to which I agree) but I let them know that they could speak freely about anything not just heterosexual relationships etc.
I feel just allowing them to be without judgement is immensely valuable.

This is waffle but I hope it makes some sense.

SmileEachDay · 15/07/2017 17:14

If you have an Off The Record young people's counselling service in your area, they are a good start - they usually have a specialist LGBT unit. That would allow him to explore how he's feeling with no agenda.

He's a teenager - questioning your identity is not uncommon. It's great that he can talk to you.

Loraline · 15/07/2017 17:16

It's interesting that you say he's never expressed this before, and only did whilst talking to someone on the Internet

Or he was feeling a certain way and sought out a forum to explore and express those feelings before vocalising in real life

VestalVirgin · 15/07/2017 17:20

OP doesn't need groups with a strong agenda from either side.

So what do you suggest she do?

Counselling is almost guaranteed (at least if you go somewhere that advertises expertise on transgender) to put the boy firmly on the path to hormones and surgery.
Everyone who questions a teenagers transness is called an evil transphobe by the genderists, so you can easily guess how willing a counsellor will be to ask anything that could make the boy question his new gender identity.

4thwavenow is a perfectly neutral site for parents who want the best for their children.
It just so happens to be the case that looking at the situation without trans agenda in your head makes you realize that the path the trans agenda suggests is massively harmful and would be considered a human rights violation in any other context.
Sterilizing children, teenagers or young adults who do not even want to be sterile but think they are the other sex, just isn't something anyone with common sense considers a good idea.

Hence why mumsnet is "transphobic". Mothers tend to like children and not want children harmed by unnecessary surgery.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/07/2017 17:21

Therapy is a good place to start. If I were you I'd be very sceptical of whomever he's been speaking to online. I'd urge him to seek RL support because I'm almost sure (even though I can't be) that the person he's been speaking to online would be feeding him all sorts of misnomers.

I might get shot down for this but for me it's a bit like on MN many people are very quick to shout LTB or disparage MILs. Equally, he might be facing a similar sentiments running along the lines of 'no-one understands your struggle, you can change your gender, be you, don't let them tell you who you are' on that sort of forum. It most definitely would be something he'd hear from that type of forum.

Allow him to talk and express himself without any judgement. But be pragmatic about it. When I was growing up being trans or gender neutral wasn't a thing - these days it seems you can't move for all the different 'fashionable' labels. And I say that as a millennial.

Slimthistime · 15/07/2017 17:26

OP "I will fully support him whatever he decides, I love him and want him to be happy. I suggested he maybe speaks to a therapist, not to stop him feeling this way but to make sure that it's not that he is trying to find himself and the thought of being someone else is more appealing than who he is right now IYSWIM? "

this is an excellent question.

Also I think if transgender (rather than transexual) had been a thing when I was a teenager I might have thought I was meant to be a man.

So please do ask him what makes him feel this way, it's important to be sure that he hasn't got hold of strange ideas of pink and blue brain type concepts.

TheLuminaries · 15/07/2017 17:28

I think you have to be supportive as a mother, no matter what. My friend's child thinks he may be transgender. He does not think he is a woman, in the sense his mother is, he thinks he is trans. It is very hard/impossible to get your head round, but these are real feelings and must be listened to and respected, without attempting to push any agenda or solution. Endless, unconditional love is all you can offer that will help, judgement will not help an unhappy and confused teen.

Loraline · 15/07/2017 17:29

There's nothing wrong with questioning a teens transness - I would. And i also disagree with a lot of the hormone routes so young. We probably agree on outlook. But let's not pretend that site is neutral. It's openly sceptical and refers to transgender teens as a 'trend '

romany4 · 15/07/2017 17:30

Take him to your GP first of all. They will refer him for therapy with someone who is trained to help him with how he is feeling.

Ohmyfuck · 15/07/2017 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PlayOnWurtz · 15/07/2017 17:37

Read this...then have him read this. Then join Reddit and read the gender critical boards [[Post-op Transwoman Regrets SRS on r/AskTransgender
www.reddit.com/r/GenderCritical/comments/6n918m/postop_transwoman_regrets_srs_on_rasktransgender/]]

PlayOnWurtz · 15/07/2017 17:38

Well that didn't work!!
Read this then join Reddit and then join the gender critical subs