Transgender child

[KnackeredHag]

This isn't really an AIBU, more of a WWYD but as you will see I can't discuss yet in RL and could do with some advice.

My son is 14. He's a good kid, gets on with people and has what I'd call an old head on a young body and has always been quite sensitive to feelings and emotions.

He has spoken to me today to say that he believes he may be transgender and in his words he 'thinks being a girl would make him happy'. He has been talking with a girl on a LGTBQ forum and says he identifies with how she felt prior to living as a woman and that he is 95% certain that he is a female born into a male body. This completely out of the blue.

I suppose my WWYD is where do I go from here? I will fully support him whatever he decides, I love him and want him to be happy. I suggested he maybe speaks to a therapist, not to stop him feeling this way but to make sure that it's not that he is trying to find himself and the thought of being someone else is more appealing than who he is right now IYSWIM? That is not me belittling his feelings btw just exploring all aspects. I'm not sure if suggesting that is unreasonable alone. He has asked me not to speak to his step dad about it until he is certain that this is what he wants, but selfishly I feel I do need some advice, hence my posting. Thank you.

PS I am heading out shortly so my presence here maybe slightly sporadic.

Do not go to mermaids. Please it is an awful organisation.
There are parents of trans teens on here who have been treated awfully by them.

I would really question those who recommend Mermaids as a first point of call. The founder of the org , took her born male son at the age of 14 to the USA for hormone treatment and to Thailand for sexual reassignment on the day of their 16th birthday. She however has the temerity to state that they don't push medical transition. HA!
There have been negative posts on here about Mermaids from those who have trans children and have had very negative interactions with the group. At one point a poster was outed on MN by a member of Mermaids as how dare they leave or question the ideology? In short step away from that group.

In short listen to your child, ask open questions. Clothes, make up etc are all dressing . Dress as you wish, Clothes, make up, hair. Who cares!

However no one can change sex.

What a lovely supportive mum you are. Your son may ultimately decide to transition, though surely such painful and damaging surgery and hormone treatment is a last resort for those who really can't face life as their birth gender. If your son hasn't ever expressed that he's really a girl until now surely its more likely that he's struggling with what kind of man he wants to be, since the presentations of masculinity offered to 14 year olds are mostly fairly toxic to a 'sensitive old soul'?

I would agree with previous posters who said that watching and waiting or counselling or talking therapy of some kind (with no specialism) is probably the best approach to take as he is so young. There is actually nothing wrong with mental illness, so it's not the end of the world even if he did discover that perhaps he was feeling this way because of some underlying mental health condition, it really irks me that people seem to think that being called mentally ill is the worst kind of insult there is... Most, if not all, teenagers are looking to belong somewhere and often feeling like they don't fit in and so it's very common for them to have a lot of mixed up emotions that need sorting out before they can make any kind of decision about the rest of their lives. I'd like to point out that those of us who don't agree with the trans agenda usually refer to ourselves as gender critical not trans-critical-at least that's how I would refer to myself. Keeping that open dialogue with him is probably the most important thing-good luck with it all

KnackeredHag I am sorry you and your son are facing this, it must be difficult for you both.

Some excellent advice from Kua, Missy and albatross and others.

Please listen to him, keep the dialogue going, read up as much as you can on lone independently of him. So you will be prepared and (as you are doing) seek support aside from your son, so you can help him and have others to supprt you.

Somewhere in the middle of all these (often opposing) views I do hope you will find some wisdom.

You are not alone, many other parents and children are going through this. I really hope your son will be well and find a happy path through this current issue.

On line.

I think you should be supportive and tell him honestly that you don't know much about it but maybe you could research together. Find out what transitioning involves, what the important decisions are and when and what support there is as well as understanding the various viewpoints on it as much do he can prepare himself as anything.

I don't envy your position. I honestly don't know what I'd do in your position as I wouldn't trust the medical establishment to treat my child in a way that was best for them. Too much is based on political dogma rather than medical/scientific evidence. No questioning allowed. I'd probably look for the support of some of the gender critical transwomen to see if they had any recommendations for therapists or groups.

Be aware though that there is very little neutral ground here. From anywhere.

Gender dysphoria is a thing. It is a serious condition but it isn't the only story under the trans umbrella.

My personal opinion is that much of the rhetoric around trans issues is deeply misogynistic and homophobic.

You need to consider whether your son is a victim of social contagion. Read detransitioners' stories to find out the kinds of messages teenagers are beinginfluenced with to help you evaluate how to support your son. Good luck.

You say, OP, he has an old head on young shoulders so let him find out about all the effects of puberty blockers, hormones and surgery, while at the same time he will still have the chromosones of a male. If after being fully informed about all the effects of these things he still wants to go through with it, support him as long as he holds off until he is eighteen.

I took the same approach with my teenage dd about drugs. They have to make the choices as it is their life, but they need to go into all with their eyes wide open.

..in his words he 'thinks being a girl would make him happy'.

As he is open to discussing this with you would it be useful to talk about what it is about being a girl that he thinks would make him happy?

Is it because he is feeling pressures as a boy that he thinks he wouldn't face as a girl? Or about changes his body is going through that he doesn't want to deal with? Or any other reason.

Bu talking through what is making him unhappy at the moment perhaps you can help him understand his own reasoning and whether or not presenting as a female will alleviate those issues (or not).

Wishing you both all the best.

Op I would really recommend you research yourself before researching together. He can find things himself but just be sure sites you point him to give a message you feel comfortable with.

You cannot stop him researching, nor should you, IMHO.

But IMHO you need to be sure that you are only pointing him to things on line you feel comfortable with.

Can he articulate why he thinks life will be better lives as a woman? Would you be willing to share it here in an anonymous way?

If he genuinely passed as a woman he would be open to all the misogyny that women experience.

Fear walking alone at night etc. One de transitioned trans woman said on line that they were scared to walk alone at night and this was a new and unwelcome feeling.

If he did not pass he would be open to genuine transphobia. Not what is written about on here were people (I think maybe mostly women) have different views but where people (I think mostly men) are aggressive.

You do not need to share these thoughts with him but just see if he has thought about how his life may change if he transitioned.

By the way, you sound like a fabulous mum.

Thank you for all the useful suggestions and information. There's a lot to take on board and I'm going to have a look at the sites suggested. I'm glad he's spoken to me and all I can do is be there for him. Thank you.

Op have you asked him what he thinks being a girl means?

If it means being sensitive and feminine etc, these are just traits that have been described as female. He can be that person and be straight (or gay) male. If he feels like he might be gay is he being pushed in to being trans. It's almost like being a gay person has gone out of fashioned and you must actually be trans. And if you're a straight male who isn't about being uber man you're actually a woman.

Can anyone suggest a therapist in the Brighton area for my daughter who is 16 and has suddenly said she is trans? This is very rapid and we'd really like to see someone who will explore with her rather than instantly affirm.

@sleighbellend neatly demonstrating why mn isn't the best forum for your question.
To actually answer your query, specialist counselling agreed but check for any (and yes I do mean any in either direction ) bias in the provider. You want neither railroading nor denial and certainly not the revolting attitude of the aptly named poster I replied to.

@TiggyD

Step 1: Get off Mumsnet. Step 2: Get back on Mumsnet and write down those places Rightsaid posted. Step 3: Get off Mumsnet again.

ZOMBIE THREAD

The problem these days is that kids who think they may be transgender are the ones who are pressured to become transsexuals--not the adults. Adults who want to be transgender can just announce their new identity and they're done, but with kids, there's huge pressure to give them puberty blockers, hormones, mastectomies, etc., altering their young bodies forever. I would be extremely wary of any counseling that proposed physical modifications via chemistry or surgery before the age of 18.

The best way to support your son is to let him remain himself until he discovers the next new thing that comes "out of the blue." Children go through many changes at age 14.