Transgender child

[KnackeredHag]

This isn't really an AIBU, more of a WWYD but as you will see I can't discuss yet in RL and could do with some advice.

My son is 14. He's a good kid, gets on with people and has what I'd call an old head on a young body and has always been quite sensitive to feelings and emotions.

He has spoken to me today to say that he believes he may be transgender and in his words he 'thinks being a girl would make him happy'. He has been talking with a girl on a LGTBQ forum and says he identifies with how she felt prior to living as a woman and that he is 95% certain that he is a female born into a male body. This completely out of the blue.

I suppose my WWYD is where do I go from here? I will fully support him whatever he decides, I love him and want him to be happy. I suggested he maybe speaks to a therapist, not to stop him feeling this way but to make sure that it's not that he is trying to find himself and the thought of being someone else is more appealing than who he is right now IYSWIM? That is not me belittling his feelings btw just exploring all aspects. I'm not sure if suggesting that is unreasonable alone. He has asked me not to speak to his step dad about it until he is certain that this is what he wants, but selfishly I feel I do need some advice, hence my posting. Thank you.

PS I am heading out shortly so my presence here maybe slightly sporadic.

Counselling is almost guaranteed to put the boy on the path to hormones and surgery.

What nonsense. I and a number of my colleagues have counselled teens and young adults who have presented with gender confusion. I have also worked with parents whose DC are going through this. Not one, not even one, has gone onto hormones, never mind surgery. I would recommend steering clear of those with an agenda one way or another OP, but having some space and safety to discuss what is going on for him can be a good thing.

I think you need to tread carefully. Lots of young gay children are ending up on a path that leads to hormones and surgery instead of just being a healthy gay kid.

I would reassure him that males can have any personality they like, including ones normally pushed on females.

Hi OP,

I'd suggest you take him to your GP and request a referral to the Tavistock Gender Identity Development service. They have a clinic in London and another in Leeds. The referral is quite detailed with developmental history etc so be prepared to supply your GP with that information. If you're at all worried about self harm etc then they'll want him to be under your local CAMHS.
They really are the experts, and if your son isn't trans but just trying to figure out who he is then they'll pick up on that. Be prepared for a long waiting list, although in some ways it's maybe better to have a cooling off period rather than whisking your DS into services straight away.

OP you are doing the right thing by asking for advice, and if sounds like you are a very accepting parent. It doesn't matter what gender your child is. It only matters that they are happy. Go with them to the GP, get some counselling for them. I've had grief counselling, which I appreciate is very different, but it made me realise the value of being able to talk openly to someone unbiased and neutral. Please please don't tell them how to feel. Your child may be male, female or gender non-binary. But puberty can be hell, so PLEASE PLEASE get them some counselling asap so that they can deal with their changing body.
I wish your child the best of luck.

P.s: I don't want to be argumentative, just a little reminder to previous posters that sexuality and gender are two very different things. Worth bearing in mind so that you don't offend anyone who is trans by making an assumption.

"Your child may be male, female or gender non-binary."

No. Her child is male.

Idiot.

You can identify as what you like Ohmyfuck. If that's an idiot then I won't judge you.

Ask your GP for a referral to CAMHS who can provide an initial assessment and help to consider options (e.g. talking therapy to explore his feelings and assess for possible gender dysphoria and/or referral to a gender clinic for further assessment if necessary)

think of it this way-
he is 14 and changing fro a boy into a man- maybe he looks around and thinks- is that what you have to do/be like to be a man? Maybe it's not so much he thinks he 'is really' a girl- as PP have said neither he nor anyone else knows what it's like to be a girl, we all only know what it's like to be ourselves, and how comfortable or not we are with the expectations that brings. Maybe it's more that he doesn't like what he feels he has to be if he is going to be a man.

And that's without thinking about sexual orientation. Perhaps he thinks that if he fancies boys, he must be a girl. Plenty of 'trans' kids claim to be 'heterosexual' in their 'new gender'.

VladmirsPoutine I agree. And whatever decision someone comes to as to what they identify with, I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate it being referred to as a "fashionable label".

Counselling is almost guaranteed to put the boy on the path to hormones and surgery.

What total nonsense!

First, you can’t get hormones (to begin the process of physical transition) until you’re 16, and not before you’ve been on puberty blocking drugs for at least a year to see how you feel about it. There is no surgery until after the age of 18. And according to a Telegraph article from 2016, of 605 people who have been discharged from the Tavistock (which is the main gender reassignment clinic in England) over the last three years, only 160 went on blockers, and 92 continued onto cross-sex hormones. The rest dropped out without further intervention.

The NHS is not filled with trigger happy scientists ramming oestrogen down the throat of any confused kid they find. It's a long slow process to make sure that young people who do go down this route don't regret it (which very few do).

Yes sex is different to Gender

Gender is a social construct. It's not transphobic to say it.

If your son doesn't want you to tell his step dad is there another male he could discuss how he feels with? Maybe having a chat with a male that has been through puberty would help give him a different perspective.

First, you can’t get hormones (to begin the process of physical transition) until you’re 16, and not before you’ve been on puberty blocking drugs for at least a year to see how you feel about it.

Read what I wrote. I wrote it puts them on the path.

How many teens that took puberty blockers because of gender feelings (instead of, say, puberty starting at 5) quit them without going on to take hormones?
(Besides, puberty blockers have serious side effects themselves.)

And how many take hormones without going on to have surgery?

You say very few regret it. Well, those who regret it are being silenced. I bet there's a lot more than you would think. (And it has only just started. There'll be more regrets in a couple of years)

Lots of info on this website OP

www.gires.org.uk

I would also tell him that people are not born in the wrong body, that's just silly. He is born in his body, if he chooses to change his name, take hormones and have surgery it will still be his body.

*How many teens that took puberty blockers because of gender feelings (instead of, say, puberty starting at 5) quit them without going on to take hormones?
(Besides, puberty blockers have serious side effects themselves.)

And how many take hormones without going on to have surgery?*

Well, um, according to the Tavistock clinic, which I quoted above, of 605 people who have been discharged from the Tavistock over the last three years, only 160 went on blockers, and 92 continued onto cross-sex hormones. The rest dropped out without further intervention.

So less than 20% of the young people brought to them get to hormones. The majority don't even get to puberty blockers. Just over 50% of kids on puberty blockers go on to hormones. Going to see a medical professional about this is not necessarily, as you claim "putting them on the path for hormones and surgery". 80% of those kids are never taking hormones, let alone having surgery (although I thought the MN line was that you're not "genuinely" trans unless you have surgery anyway).

Oh, and most studies suggest that 3-4% of those who do transition later wish to reverse the process.

Early transitioning is counterproductive as the boys penis doesn't develop so they can't create a proper neovagina, compounding the issue is if they change their minds they're stuck with the penis and balls of a prepubescent boy and not that of a man.

The boy on "my name is jazz" is facing this exact problem. The trans movement is toxic and you really really need to protect your son from them OP

No Vestal, you said that counselling is almost guaranteed to put him on the path to hormones and surgery. This is completely untrue. Most teens and young people who access counselling for trans issues will not have any further treatment. Even those who are referred to Tavistock (normally after seeing counsellors) will not have get to the hormone stage.

Personally I would not start with a gender identity clinic such as Tavistock. If he wants to have counselling, I would find him some with an organisation that specialises in counselling children and young people generally, not gender identity specific. If he doesn't want counselling, just keep listening.

First thing is to talk to your GP about a referral to the Tavi (if you Google the Tavistock GID service you can find a link to download a referral form). Most GPs don't know a lot about gender dysphoria so they may simply turn you over to CAMHS who might offer counselling but will still want you to go to the Tavi because they are the specialists. Obviously a direct referral from your GP will make this process much faster.

The Tavi are all about the talking and the counselling. They aren't involved in any physical intervention, that's the job of UCLH. Some people find the Tavi very frustrating because they don't just say "Oh you tried on your Mum's high heels, you must be trans. Let's operate this afternoon!" They're usually the ones who seek private treatment abroad or buy medication online, which is their choice but not something I would do.

I personally have no problem with Mermaids, you just have to remember that some of the members are a bit radical and take what you need but leave the rest.

Good luck with it all. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about your child.

Sadly, MN is one of the most reliably transphobic places I have found on the internet, and I'm not surprised you've found yourself under a barrage of unhelpful messages

At this stage - I'd ask your child what they want to do, and keep an open mind. Perhaps they just wanted to share the thought and talk it over - in that case, be available and non-judgemental when it comes to talking it over - you might also want to consider professional counselling. A list of LGBT-friendly therapists can be found at www.pinktherapy.com/en-gb/findatherapist.aspx (NB one who thinks your child is mentally ill is going to be extremely dangerous). The Tavistock & Portman Clinic's waiting lists are exceedingly long, hence the suggestion of a private counsellor initially

There are plenty of things that your child could do that would help them to explore things privately - growing out hair, for instance (they can always cut it later, and lots of boys have long hair!) or having some feminine clothes that they wear in the house.

If your child seriously thinks they may want to transition, then take them to the GP pronto to get on the lengthy waiting lists for the Tavistock & Portman. If they decide they don't want medical intervention, then just ask to be taken off the waiting list. If they do want to consider medical intervention then they'll be nearer the top of the waiting list.

As someone who is very close to someone who has transitioned (went the other way, FTM. Initially thought he was a butch lesbian and then realised he was actually male and straight), and has been in most of the hospital appointments, I can assure you that this isn't something that happens without
a) very good reason - people only tend to transition when they can literally no longer live as their birth gender, even if they've had a good idea for a while that they're trans
b) without strong medical oversight - to even get to the stage of hormones, as an adult in his 20s, he had to see 2x psychiatrists and 1x endocrinologist, who all had to agree that this was the right pathway.

He's now living a perfectly good life - graduated from a top uni, qualified into his chosen profession, well paid respectable job, has a girlfriend etc. Transitioning hasn't stopped him from achieving any of his life goals. The hardest bit was his parents, who were thoroughly unsupportive and kept calling him by his birth name and female pronouns even though he had made it clear that this upset him.

There are some resources out there -
Mermaids is for people in exactly your situation www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/
GIRES was set up by the parents of a young transgirl many years ago www.gires.org.uk/
The main Trans Pride event is in Brighton this weekend if you live anywhere near. It's unlikely, from what you've said, that your child would be ready to go to such an event, but if you went alone (the park event is quite a nice, family festival / village fete atmosphere) then you would be able to speak to organisations like Mermaids face to face and also see that there are plenty of perfectly happy and successful trans people out there www.brighton-pride.org/transpride-brighton/
Do also be aware that there are people sometimes referred to as TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists) who choose to deny the very existence of trans people - I can assure you that this is not done for the benefit of trans people. They often like to refer to themselves as gender critical or transsceptics and other such terms - which are really just terms they've made up because transphobic sounds unpleasant. Nobody calls themselves sexuality critical or homosceptics. They'd just be homophobic.

Is your child going to want to transition in future? Who knows. All you can and should do at this stage is to be supportive and led by your child in terms of what they want to do. They won't be allowed to do anything irreversible without the approval of several doctors and a lengthy wait WinnieTheMe is quite correct in saying that a referral to a gender identity clinic is not necessarily a pathway to medical intervention. The GICs are quite overwhelmed with referrals as things are. They do not need to drum up new business.

Step 1: Get off Mumsnet.
Step 2: Get back on Mumsnet and write down those places Rightsaid posted.
Step 3: Get off Mumsnet again.

Dysphoria is a mental illness. Body dysmorphic disorder is treated by psychiatrists and this is no different. You don't want counsellors who are anything other than neutral to guide your son through this.

Contrary to the pp writing the last thing you want to do is rush things. Ultimately this could lead your son to some seriously mutilating surgery. He needs to be more than 100% sure this is who he is and not just a teenager being influenced by people on the internet.

I really really wish teenagers could be teenagers without the need to push them into medical treatment for what is normal exploration of the self. The trans movement is disgusting in its push to rush children into such massive decisions.

I agree with previous posters on both sides, but I will say that it's worth speaking to your GP and getting on the waiting list for a GID clinic as soon as you are able. The waiting lists are long, and while you wait you can still access other forms of support both for yourself and your child. If the appointment rolls around, and you're not certain you want it, don't go, but better to be on the list and pro-actively waiting, than not on it and then face an even longer wait.