I cannot stand my brother

[KimchiLaLa]

He's a freeloader. We are currently on a family holiday for a wedding and despite being 50 he has turned up with no cash of his own, instead my dad has given him spending money, and he had not contributed one penny towards flights or hotels. When the family needs to book Uber's to get from one place to another, he never pulls his phone out, and just sits there, expecting a cab that someone else has paid for to just show up.

He talks to me as if I should plan his life out all the time: for example for the wedding: "what event is happening today?" (All said with standard angry look on his face - He has the same invite and same schedule as me). His attitude is very much "the world owes me something" which I hate. Today, one of my cousins came up to me and said "Your brother is asking where he should trim his hair." Despite being in a new city for the wedding, i find it hilarious that a younger sister (with more than 20 years age difference) should tell her older brother this. Google map it?!

He has severe problems in having conversations with others. He talks down to my parents in front of them. He can come across as rude and snappy despite family telling him he can. He has absolutely no friends in part due to this and has never ever been in a relationship. My parents think it's insecurity, I did at first but now I just think it's that he's just so full of hate for the world,

My dad has had to give him a job as he can't get one anywhere else. Despite this, I have heard him criticise my dad to the other employees there, despite him being the boss saying he's no more than a "glorified accountant". He acts as if he's doing him a favour by working there. My dad gave him this job so he would get out from under my mum's Feet at home.

He constantly has a screw face on. He frowns at everyone. He snaps at everyone.

I am at the end of my tether with his spoilt attitude and I cannot stand another week of being in the same hotel as him. Please give me advice on how to be patient with him! I am certain his issues are deep, I just can't put my finger on what he has and how to manage it.

Don't be patient with him, be honest with him and tell him to fuck off when he is taking the piss. He is only able to operate like this as everyone is tolerating his behaviour and enabling him.

He sounds delightful

Seriously my cousin's wife is a bit like this, and so bloody rude with it.
Fortunately we don't see them that much, but her MIL (my mum's sister), who is the nicest most patient person in the world, has finally given up trying with her after 20 years of marriage to her son.
I'm sure she would write an AIBU saying how awful everyone is to her, but my aunt drove from the North of Scotland to germany once because she needed some help with the kids and my cousin was working away. My cousin works all week, she is a SAHM, he does all the shopping, housework at the weekends, cooks in advance for the week and she moans that no one ever helps her.

The family lost patience with her years ago.
Sorry OP, that's not much help. I'd be distancing myself.

Do his symptoms show any hints of a psychological problem to you? Just can't believe this behaviour can be right.

I did snap at him in an uber I paid for the other day. Again, with his standard angry face, he asked me "what was happening tomorrow". (I find this so infuriating - read the invite, listen to what other people are saying and planning! No need to ask!) I could not hold it in, I had a go at him in front of DH. I told him he was behaving like a child and to look it up himself. It didn't help - today he had a go at me because "you can see I'm struggling with my top button and you won't help me!". I think he was more annoyed I had helped my husband with his outfit (Indian ones, so the buttons are fiddly). I told him I'd help him when he said please.

I think he's also depressed that my cousin is getting married and he is now the final single one in the family.

I then ranted at my parents for a full 20 mins about how I couldn't go on acting like the oldest. They agreed he had problems. But haven't done anything about it. Mum blames dad for enabling him. Dad blames mum for making excuses for him. I blame both of them.

I cannot believe he is 50.

OP you poor thing. This reminds me of my BIL. 40s, still living with my in-laws, doesn't contribute, benefits cheat (grrrr), mean drunk, resentful and superior towards everyone. Sorry, I know it's not much help but the way I cope with it is to remind myself how much more we have going for ourselves than him, jobs, each other, freedom, the prospect of children. Also it upsets my MIL to think about his situation, so I try not to say anything so as not to make her feel worse.
Maybe for this holiday, even though it's so frustrating, try to stay serene for the sake of your parents, enjoy the fact you have a husband and a life and just moan like hell on here and to your husband behind closed doors!

You need to stay as far away from him as possible, for the sake of your own sanity. If he asks you another stupid question, just say "figure it out for yourself" and walk away. Don't be drawn into a pointless argument if he has a tantrum, just keep walking and let him look the fool. He's 50 damn years old, he's not going to change.

YANBU. However he won't change now. He has been allowed to develop into who he is and some have clearly enabled him to act like he does.

He sounds really unhappy. Is he always like this? Have you tried asking him why?

With all due respect your parents raised him and imo carry a degree of responsibility towards the individual he has become.

Hating him is not helpful to either of you.

He sounds likes he's been completely babied or a man of 50 with the wisdom of a 20 year old.

It's ok to ask about arrangements but there are clearly massive resentments and anything is triggering them off for you.

If he cannot stand on his own two feet that's because he's never been made to. Some parents like to be needed.

It does sound very hard for you. Surely he must have some kind of psych problem though - to never have had a relationship or friends at 50. It sounds beyond tightness. Right down to the top button thing he sounds somehow impaired. Has it never been mentioned or discussed in any depth? How was he at school/work? Does he manage to look after himself otherwise and is just like this when there's freebies to be had? The angry face suggests he's not enjoying being that way himself. You'd need a pro to come on here for better insights, sorry, but it does sound strange beyond feeeloading.

I dont think you can entirely blame the parents. He is 50. He is miserablr snd could have sorted hinself out by now.

I find that, often, the ones that have loads done for them resent that fact. But dont really eant to change it. I would just avoid as much as possible and not engage when he is acting like a child.

Your parents do need to actually do something though. They need to break their cycle of letting him get away with behaving this way to them.

Sounds JUST like my SIL OP!

She's 46 and lives with her Dad, pays nothing and yet lods it over us by now and then buying overly generous gifts for MIL...of course she can do that! She pays no bastard bills!

she is rude and agressive and once shouted at my DH in front of our DC.

DH told her not to and it was like WW3!

Silly cow. I can't bloody stand her!

There but for the grace of god and all that. Your parents make the right noises but have never been prepared to do what it takes to make him into an independent man. People like him are energy and joy suckers. My mother is one of these too but it manifests differently. I cannot stand her either.

If you have a good enough relationship with your parents, I would be sitting down with them and asking what they intend to do with the business once they retire or pass away. Do they want it protected or are they willing for your brother to run it to the ground?

As for your brother, ignoring him or laughing at him could be one way of dealing with this. Turn to your dh and joke that little iccle bro bro can't do his top button up yet and perhaps he'll be allowed to wear long trousers to school next year. Or "ooh dear, I see, you life is sooo hard" and pinch him on the cheek and laugh.

Alternatively, you may wish to be kind. He's a little kid inside, he sounds about 4. What would you say to a 4 yr old? My mother is about 4 btw. Big 4 yr olds are so unappealing.

Does he have autism?

I have thought that he could have that. But his symptoms don't match up?

He does things like, if he starts talking to you, but say I move around the table at the same time to get something, he kicks off and stops talking. As in, "I must have your full attention"

He also displays no social niceties. We just checked in for a domestic flight and instead of helping carry all the heavy bags, let my DH load eight suitcases on to the baggage trolley at check in and just stood there. There's a massive sense of entitlement.

'Symptoms' can vary and are traits as such. My first thought was ASD or Aspergers which would explain a lot.

It's not even worth pushing him to get a diagnosis...he wouldn't accept it. Has anyone had experience of pushing an adult to look into it?

I am also 5 months pregnant with my first child and knowing that that could have been an option (but I didn't think it was realistic), I am worried about the chances of of my unborn DD getting it.

Sound a lot like a family member who has dyspraxia. What can be done at 50 years old, while he is unwilling though? Not much I'm afraid. My MO is to tolerate and try to understand, but essentially keep my distance where possible.

An option, getting it.

It's not something someone opts into, it's not contagious. Your DD will either have it or won't. Your DB either has it or won't.

You don't sound like you have any tolerance or patience for him at all. Yes asking questions he could find out for himself is annoying, but why not take a breath and think how frustrating it would be for you if you felt unable to do these things without some support or someone doing it for you. He clearly wants to know, so why not send him a text with a day by day list of activities and refer him back to that each time. Why not ask him to help your DH to load the trollies. Why not point out these things.

I think rather than thinking you have a lazy self entitled older brother, you need to think that you have a brother with some sort of special needs. Even if he is lazy and self entitled, clearly he wants/needs to be treated as such and it will be a lot less stressful for you if you can accept this as who/how he is, rather than expecting him to be typical.

bloodworries what's your evidence? OP should not have to shoulder her brother's self-centred nonsense.

And she clearly doesn't mean a baby could "opt" to have autism. OP means it's a possibility. Patronising & unhelpful.

I think bloodworries was spot on. The OP sounds intolerant and expects those with autism to be an homogenous group??? That is patronising.

While I hate to even attempt to Internet diagnose, his social skills and planning skills and lack of initiative scream autism to me, too.

Whether or not he'd even contemplate an assessment, and if he did he was diagnosed, a PITA is still a PITA. My GF on my mum's side was almost definitely autistic, as was my mum's DB. GF was a curmudgeonly twat (I never got to know him because he told my mum to take that thing (me) away and DU, while uncomfortable to be around (poor personal hygiene socially very inappropriate, at times) but was mostly kind and thoughtful.

Whether or not your DB gets a diagnosis, if he does indeed have autism, that fact would not do a single thing to change the odds of your unborn DD being autistic.

Especially when OP is 5 months pregnant!

That is to say, no reason OP should have to pander to her selfish brother when she's 5 months pregnant.