I cannot stand my brother

[KimchiLaLa]

He's a freeloader. We are currently on a family holiday for a wedding and despite being 50 he has turned up with no cash of his own, instead my dad has given him spending money, and he had not contributed one penny towards flights or hotels. When the family needs to book Uber's to get from one place to another, he never pulls his phone out, and just sits there, expecting a cab that someone else has paid for to just show up.

He talks to me as if I should plan his life out all the time: for example for the wedding: "what event is happening today?" (All said with standard angry look on his face - He has the same invite and same schedule as me). His attitude is very much "the world owes me something" which I hate. Today, one of my cousins came up to me and said "Your brother is asking where he should trim his hair." Despite being in a new city for the wedding, i find it hilarious that a younger sister (with more than 20 years age difference) should tell her older brother this. Google map it?!

He has severe problems in having conversations with others. He talks down to my parents in front of them. He can come across as rude and snappy despite family telling him he can. He has absolutely no friends in part due to this and has never ever been in a relationship. My parents think it's insecurity, I did at first but now I just think it's that he's just so full of hate for the world,

My dad has had to give him a job as he can't get one anywhere else. Despite this, I have heard him criticise my dad to the other employees there, despite him being the boss saying he's no more than a "glorified accountant". He acts as if he's doing him a favour by working there. My dad gave him this job so he would get out from under my mum's Feet at home.

He constantly has a screw face on. He frowns at everyone. He snaps at everyone.

I am at the end of my tether with his spoilt attitude and I cannot stand another week of being in the same hotel as him. Please give me advice on how to be patient with him! I am certain his issues are deep, I just can't put my finger on what he has and how to manage it.

Sorry unhappy but OP has never said her brother has been diagnosed with autism. It's just armchair diagnosis from MNers so far.

BloodWorries pedantic much? I'm not dumb enough to think it is an option. I think you knew that but needed a rant. Instead of option how about the word "possibility".

I will look up dyspraxia.

For the poster who said help DH with the luggage - yes when I'm not pregnant I do. Now I am, I don't.

Dyspraxia or high functioning autism. Even if he has either, it's not your responsibility to carry him. If he had a diagnosis though, everyone would understand his needs and he could find strategies to manage. To be diagnosed your parents and brother could try going through the GP or paying privately.

In your shoes I'd reflect everything back at him with warmth. So if he asks where to get his hair trimmed? Ask him where does HE think he should get his hair trimmed? Ask him how HE could find out where to get his hair trimmed? Ask him who would be the best person HE could ask to find out out where to get his hair trimmed? That way youre not resolving issues for him, you're enabling him to resolve the issue himself.

If he asks what's happening tomorrow? Tell him you know as much as he does. Ask him where could he look to find out more information? Ask him who he could ask? Or ask him to locate and reread the email invite.

Or ask him to write down a plan for himself using the information he has access to.

Does it seem to you that he is very dependant on having a plan? And feels stressed at lack of structure. Because that is sometimes typical of someone on the spectrum.

There is a massive difference between can't and won't.

From what the OP has written I am getting won't "because if I stand here long enough, someone else will sort if for me".

He sounds horrendous OP and I think you have the patience of a saint for getting this far. He sounds a lot like my DH's brother. Thankfully we live a long way away so don't need to see him often.

As an aside, I am often asked when I am having a second child (DD is an only) and it's threads like these that I would like to show to people....

But autism wouldn't be the reason he is so rude to my parents right? That's just rudeness?

Even today - we are in a half decent hotel. They had two bottles of Evian in the rooms which say that they are 8 dollars each should you want them. Dad and I actually had a conversation about it and were like "the cheek! Charging 8 bucks for water! But obviously they will try their best!", he comes down and says, "I accidentally opened that Evian TO USE IN THE COFFEE MACHINE" (sorry but who uses Evian in a coffee machine?!) "and then I saw that it costs 8 dollars".

I mean seriously?! That is just stupidity right? You know that the tag is saying something. You are in a hotel where there will be a mark up. But you're ok opening the Water because ultimately you're not paying for it.

The OP sounds intolerant and expects those with autism to be an homogenous group??? That is patronising

RUBBISH!

Very few people know how wide and varied the autistic spectrum is. I think the OP is being enormously patient with this "man-child".

Yes - he may have a psychological or neurological disorder - but he may just be an entitled twat! Many people are.

Kim - if I were you, I would distance myself from my brother - he is upsetting you and bringing you down (making you worry about your own unborn baby) at a time when your own hormones are all over the place, and when you really need to reduce your stress levels as much as you can.

If there are family gatherings, and he doesn't offer to pay, perhaps someone could (even jokingly) say - "Come on, X - it's about time you put your hand in your pocket!". As long as people let him piggy-back on their taxis etc, he is not going to change.

Is he still living with your parents? (Your post suggests he is.)

Maybe if he was to move out (they would have to push him) it would help. If they can afford it, maybe your parents could fund a small flat or bedsit for him (at least for a while) Or could your parents "give" him part of the house - "Right - this is your bedroom, bathroom, sitting room and kitchen area." You only come into ours by invitation, and we only enter yours by invitation." This might help him become more independent.

I do feel sorry for him TBH - I think he is a very unhappy man - but until his manner and attitude change, he will remain an unhappy man. He is too self-centred and can't see past his own wants (maybe their is a medical cause, maybe not).

The Dalai Lama said - "If you want to make someone happy, do something for them; if you want to make yourself happy, do something for someone else." It's good advice. No matter who we are, being totally wrapped up in ourselves is a recipe for misery. What will happen when your parents die? How will he cope then if he hasn't had any experience of managing alone?

Step back and have a good pregnancy. Enjoy your baby when s/he arrives.

The OP sounds intolerant and expects those with autism to be an homogenous group??? That is patronising

RUBBISH!

Very few people know how wide and varied the autistic spectrum is. I think the OP is being enormously patient with this "man-child".

Yes - he may have a psychological or neurological disorder - but he may just be an entitled twat! Many people are.

Kim - if I were you, I would distance myself from my brother - he is upsetting you and bringing you down (making you worry about your own unborn baby) at a time when your own hormones are all over the place, and when you really need to reduce your stress levels as much as you can.

If there are family gatherings, and he doesn't offer to pay, perhaps someone could (even jokingly) say - "Come on, X - it's about time you put your hand in your pocket!". As long as people let him piggy-back on their taxis etc, he is not going to change.

Is he still living with your parents? (Your post suggests he is.)

Maybe if he was to move out (they would have to push him) it would help. If they can afford it, maybe your parents could fund a small flat or bedsit for him (at least for a while) Or could your parents "give" him part of the house - "Right - this is your bedroom, bathroom, sitting room and kitchen area." You only come into ours by invitation, and we only enter yours by invitation." This might help him become more independent.

I do feel sorry for him TBH - I think he is a very unhappy man - but until his manner and attitude change, he will remain an unhappy man. He is too self-centred and can't see past his own wants (maybe their is a medical cause, maybe not).

The Dalai Lama said - "If you want to make someone happy, do something for them; if you want to make yourself happy, do something for someone else." It's good advice. No matter who we are, being totally wrapped up in ourselves is a recipe for misery. What will happen when your parents die? How will he cope then if he hasn't had any experience of managing alone?

Step back and have a good pregnancy. Enjoy your baby when s/he arrives.

Sorry - don't know how I posted twice.

Kim - dyspraxia is difficulty in controlling movement - it can be gross motor dyspraxia, where the sufferer has problems even controlling arms and legs, fine motor dyspraxia, where the sufferer has difficulty with things that require control over tiny movements (writing, buttons etc) or verbal dyspraxia which causes speech problems.

Many dyspraxia people are just thought to be clumsy until they are diagnosed.

And as someone else said, Autism doesn't automatically mean rude or bad-mannered. My DD is autistic and you couldn't find a nicer young woman.

It does sound very hard for you. Surely he must have some kind of psych problem though - to never have had a relationship or friends at 50. It sounds beyond tightness. Right down to the top button thing he sounds somehow impaired. Has it never been mentioned or discussed in any depth? How was he at school/work? Does he manage to look after himself otherwise and is just like this when there's freebies to be had? The angry face suggests he's not enjoying being that way himself. You'd need a pro to come on here for better insights, sorry, but it does sound strange beyond feeeloading.

Sorry I just saw this. Yes and when he has a go at me to tell me I'm not helping him, it's always in public so I end up feeling embarrassed. When he did it I just said - "sorry but I'm under no obligation to help you. What is it you want?". He said he couldn't do the button up. I replied "a please is usual." He responded, "PLEASE!" In an angry way. The whole conversation is just so painful and unnecessary.

I think he is deeply depressed about his lack of partner and friends, but i don't really think it's anyone's job to help him out of it the way he expects us to. For example, I remember my best friend's wedding last year. My parents were invited as they have known her since she was little. He kicked off when he saw the invite as he wasn't invited. He never said, "I'm upset as I'm not invited." Nor should he have been, they have no relationship. He just started getting very moody and surly with my mum and talking about how he doesn't get invited to anything. In his head, I think he thought he could potentially see a potential date there. He wasn't invited so that "opportunity" didn't happen. But he would never proactively put himself online, or try and network to meet new people. It all needs to be facilitated by us. When I met my DH I really had to put myself out there, widen my circle of friends as I knew it would be good for me to. That would never occur to him to do without my mum's help.

He also has a very high opinion of himself and his looks - he would not be with anyone "overweight", for example, despite being overweight himself.

*dyspraxic people , not dyspraxia people - though I should have said "people with dyspraxia" anyway - apologies

he would not be with anyone "overweight", for example, despite being overweight himself

If he doesn't even give himself a chance to meet the person, rather than the image, he is on a hiding to nothing.

(Though you would be shocked at how many people - especially men - are the same)

I think I'd have calmly said 'No', sorry. I'm not going to help you when you speak to me like that. Especially in public' and just keep giving him those type of calm but unaccepting responses to his behavior.

Also make sure to politely and calmly ask him to help and pay for things each time, like with the cases. 'Can you help DH with the cases please'. 'Its your turn to pay for the taxi this time, can you order it please'.

"Some parents like to be needed."

This. ^^ There are are several men in DH'S family who are a little like OP'S brother.
It's happened because other people in the family coddle them.
Male family members have given them jobs or paid their debts.
Female family members have organised their social lives and served them hand and foot.
You see them at family gatherings: eating and drinking stuff literally handed to them on a plate, not even making an effort to contribute to the occasion with conversation, let alone financially or by helping out in the kitchen.
It's a relief to all when they finally pass out drunk.
What are these men for? No one knows.

I would ask him to help and pay for things. I think it is less stressful than getting wound up by him and snapping at him. I agree with the other posters that have suggested there may be a neurological difference.

With your dh carrying all the bags onto the plane : why didn't one of you say ' oy brother lend a hand will you' rather than seething inwardly ?

How many siblings do you have? I think the point raised above about what happens in the future is perhaps the most important; regardless of the underlying reasons your brother sounds unable to function independently in society. Assuming he outlives your parents, there needs to be some plan in place as to what he will do when they can no longer care for him.

I would suggest you try to raise that with your siblings, assuming there are others older than you they may something of what he was like as a child and how the current situation has arisen. Don't let it become your own problem, but if you can hand it over to other family members to think about planning for.

Good luck. And best wishes for your own baby!

Not having friends and not interacting appropriately can be due to being on the spectrum. The angry face while asking for a plan ditto.

Op it sounds like asbergers to me. What you perceive as deliberate rudeness and inability to behave like an adult are probably massive social phobias to him. He probably simply cant do the things yoi find normal and easy.

When I read your OP my immediate thought was ASD. Both my ds are on the autistic spectrum but their characters are very different so there's not just one way of being autistic...

Both boys would find the kinds of situations you're describing very tricky to deal with but we have always told them that while their diagnosis is a reason for their behaviour, it's not an excuse

Your child will not be able to 'get' autism, it's not contagious - she will either have it or not, but it's unlikely even with a family history

But autism wouldn't be the reason he is so rude to my parents right? That's just rudeness?

No, that could very well be ASD. His rudeness is one of DS's biggest symptoms (and the hardest to deal with as it's so upsetting to be at the receiving end). He doesn't mean to be rude; he just doesn't properly understand how the world works, so reacts badly when things aren't happening how he expects them to.

Realistically, at 50, it seems unlikely that your 'D'B will be diagnosed with anything now, but maybe for you it would be worth reading up on ASD and some of the strategies for supporting people, then just subtly starting to do some of them. No need to draw attention to it or share your suspicions with others. I'm not diagnosing ASD, btw, but the sorts of strategies you can use benefit everyone - and, crucially, might help you feel you're in control.

Did you say you are 20 years younger than him, OP? That's a huge age gap - have your parents said nothing to you about his childhood? I strongly suspect they struggled with this behaviour right from the very beginning and in the end just gave up and accepted it wasn't going to change, so accommodated it - it is very wearing trying for 20 years to get someone like this to understand why their behaviour is obnoxious and harmful to themselves and all around them. By the time they reach adulthood and still haven't taken it on board, you know they won't change.

Have you asked your parents whether they ever sought any help/a diagnosis? Or did they try to cover it up as much as psossible, because 40 years ago and more, that is what people did, rather than seeking or expecting any professional help?

You can not change him, so you are going to have to adopt strategies for dealing with his behaviour, one that doesn't involve surliness and anger because that's a poison of your making, not his. He sounds incredibly frustrated, lonely and unhappy as to not understanding his capabilities and his place in the world and his behaviour is probably a manifestation of those feelings. If (and it's a massive if), he is on the spectrum, then it would be useful not only to him but the family as a unit to help understand and support him. Given what you've posted, your understanding of ASD is limited and maybe that's a deficit that you could improve.

Right now, your anger and resentment is at a level which is making it difficult for you see past your own prejudices. Bottom line is you need to talk to your parents and if they won't be a part of the solution, then they will always be part of the problem.

It sounds like your parents do acknowledge that he has issues but may be at a loss as to what to do. However, they won't always be around to bail him out (a spectacularly unsuccessful strategy thus far) and they need to be encouraged to think to the future. I suspect that they see you as taking over their role poor parenting practices when they can't and you need to dissuade them of the notion, if it's not what you want. Blaming eachother for the others' behaviour is petty, lazy and counterproductive and it's hard to feel sorry for people who won't take responsibility for their contributions to a dysfunctional dynamic.

Spectrum or no spectrum, to move forward as a family you first have to agree that there is a problem and secondly, acknowledge your individual contributions to a dynamic that's gone on for decades. The finger pointing and handwringing is not and never will be, a successful strategy for addressing this issue. You and your parents have to decide, are you going to continue to contribute to a dynamic that no one is happy with or, are you going to move forward and work towards a solution?

Is your family Indian OP? Is your DB the eldest son? DH's BF is Indian and can be lovely but can also be an absolute arse, especially to the women in his life and his immediate family. He has been pandered to his whole life, by his parents, his sisters (both highly educated, with great jobs but they are treated as second class citizens when their brother is around) and now his DWife who is also a brilliant and highly successful woman. He sits in his chair and she runs around brining him food/drinks, he would never even consider helping with their DC's, always gets served first at dinner, his DW asks his opinion on EVERYTHING and he expounds. It is annoying. But it is probably not entirely his fault because he has not been brought up to respect women, or to do anything for himself.