Can't (or don't want to) "mask" anymore AIBU?

[SukiTheDog]

I'm a mature woman, a grown up. I have a 16 yr old son who has autism. I always thought his condition came from dad; not so, it's all ME. I've learned much since his diagnosis 12 yrs ago. My life, as a child, adolescent and adult, always feeling like I didn't "fit" with anyone/anywhere now makes perfect sense. I don't need a Dr's letter to tell me I have Aspergers. It's fine. I had a good career in the NHS for many years but would always volunteer to do New Years Eve/day rather than "party".

Anyway, I mostly feel like I've "masked" all my life and gotten away with it (apart from those who know me well and say "no, not really, it's pretty obvious!") and now, I've reached the age where I can't or don't want to socialise etc anymore. Problem is, on the surface I am genuinely a smiley, engaging person and will happily chat for short periods of time. But recently, several people keep inviting me to stuff; simple things like a coffee after walking the dog or a trip into town to do lunch and a spot of shopping. Today, i walked two miles out of my way with the dog to avoid a lovely (really lovely) lady who must be bemused or even insulted that I keep saying "oh, we MUST meet up" and I never make an attempt to do so.

I don't need to confirm that I'm different but how can I explain that anything more than social (brief) chit chat is too much for me? I dint want to offend anyone but it KEEPS happening and I feel BAD.

I realized I'm autistic when reading about it as my son is going through assessment, and happened upon an article about females on the spectrum and how they mask etc.

I went for a private assessment as it was right for me, and now I'm just honest and say when I'm struggling. I feel like I have really discovered myself and I need that time alone to recharge.

I think you can be more honest than you realise. If you just say 'I love chatting on our walks, but I really need lots of alone time so won't manage a coffee', people will accept it.

Observe out loud, that you enjoy a bit of socialising, but need quiet time after.

More and more people are prepared to say that they find life 'too peopley'.

Sounds normal to me...I regularly avoid people/pretend to be interested/make plans under duress that I have no intention of keeping...it's ok, that's just how we are!

You don't need to say to people that you will meet up with them if you don't want to. But you also don't have to meet up with them. You can be in charge of your life!

Something I would think about carefully is whether you need some people in your life who will be there to call on if you need help for whatever reason. It's worth investing in a handful of really good friendships. You don't have to have lots of acquaintances, though. It's fine to be yourself.

Just tell them you're autistic and need a lot of down time after small amounts of socialising.

Yanbu. Just say you need to spend plenty of time alone to recharge your batteries.
I've only just found a workplace where they tolerate me, and I can tolerate them. I've worked hundreds of jobs and it's taken 28 years.
It's part time, low pressure and it's just for a year in total but it's the first time I don't feel pressured to be "on" all the time and where it's ok to be quiet. 😊I dread resuming the job hunt in January.
All the other places I've worked at, people don't know what to make of me, so they used to verbally poke me with a stick to try and get a measure of me. My quietness made them feel awkward or uncomfortable and they didn't like that.
I've come to terms with the struggle and accept that others don't feel comfortable with me being the way I am. However, I care so much less about that and I know I must be alone quite alot to feel comfortable. The fewer people around, the better I feel. Always been like this.

I think as long as you're not hurting anyone, do what makes you happy. And what chipsfortea said.

The thing is, I genuinely like these people but it's unimaginably difficult to go beyond a 20 min chat. Because I always felt I had to conform, I made a huge effort to "fit in". It was exhausting. It's exhausting still.

Recently, we had a visit to a friend of DH. Lovely friend of many years but, there were people there I'd never met and the small talk required from me left me totally knackered. I just don't "get it". It's a total mystery to me, the stuff people talk about. I could have slept for a week following.

I think it gets harder as you get older. I'm certainly more knackered now than I used to be. I don't know if that's because we have to meet more people now, after having kids, or if it's just regular getting old tiredness, or if we're more aware of it, or if we give less of a fuck about making everyone happy. Probably a combination of all those :)

I find as soon as you tell people you have Aspergers they treat you differently, like you're thick. It's great that the people above are making accepting type comments but it is not what I have experienced.

The lovely dog walking lady - her needs don't trump yours. And people say they'll meet for coffee all of the time. Also if you meet once, then you set up a 'thing' that you have & you end up having to meet forever.

And yes, I am with you, the shit people consider worth talking about blows my mind 😄

I hear you OP, I'm very reclusive, dont enjoy small talk, spend as much time as I possibly can alone, the more time alone I get the more I want

I like people but they are tiring and I tend to avoid them

I hear you OP, I'm very reclusive, dont enjoy small talk, spend as much time as I possibly can alone, the more time alone I get the more I want

I'm like this too. I'm just an ordinary introvert who enjoys my own company and space to think about things. Yet the perception is that you're a weird "loner".

I have GAD and various other mental health problems, socialising with anyone can mean I spend the next few days hiding in my house in a tent.

I now just explain to people I cant do it.

Unfortunatly you do get that odd person who will try and force you into something because you will enjoy it once you get there. With those people its best just to be blunt.

Burnout is very common in autistic people apparently. It's why some people think autism can "get worse" over time; it doesn't, but you have less energy for masking as you get older, plus less motivation to do it if your confidence grows with age. It sounds like that's where you're at right now. Sometimes I think the price of self-acceptance is the inability to properly fake things any more.

I find most people are surprisingly ok with honesty about extreme introversion.

I still get stuck thinking that confessing to it will turn out like it did when I was growing up, when, at best, I'd be looked at like I was mad for admitting to needing to be alone. Or accused of being "anti-social". (How exactly me not socialising could stop other people socialising with each other was never explained...).

But mostly it doesn't; people just want to know that it's something other than you disliking them personally, or them having upset you, I think. You probably can just tell them that you "love being with people, but only for a brief chat unless I'm full of energy (!)... It's because I'm autistic". Or something along those lines. If it's someone you've been avoiding and worry that they'll figure that out, you can tell them that you've only just found out and that you've been a bit wrapped up in that process until now.

Thanks for all the replies. Seems it's quite common, then!

Growing up, and even now, to an extent, I'd observe and basically mimic what was going on. Watch how others "were" and do that. Because it wasn't known that I was more than just socially inept, I was encouraged to do this. Now, with age, I don't want to.

I knownthe lady was offended because she asked me yesterday, why hadn't I called on her? Not in any "off" way but, I don't want people judging me as "odd". I AM odd or rather, different and it's only because of my son that I now know why. She asked me "do you have any friends locally" and I just said "no, not really. My actual friends (which I can count on one hand) are miles away and tend to be of long duration (in other words, made at a time when I was prepared to "do" socialising). The idea of "popping in" for a chat or anyone doing that to me, leaves me in a cold sweat! I can't explain that....it's just a "blank" for me....an empty space in my brain.

Make sense? 😊

Make sense to me. I was diagnosed with ASD last year in my mid 30s. Now I finally understand my behaviours and needs. I limit contact with some people. I prioritise certain relationships, people who are good for me, people who I enjoy spending time with and distance myself from others. My only real suggestion to you is to consider stopping the Let's do coffee! when you don't really want to! I had to stop doing this. It's just too much!

FaithAgain it's always the other person who suggests it and its just polite to answer "yes, we should". I cannot imagine anyone's reaction to a "no, sorry, I don't do coffee, no offence". 😳

When I see her this week, I may just say "I have a big black hole where my socialising centre should be so, I probably won't, but I love that you're kind enough to invite me".

I know I should probably just do it and act it out but really, I think I get more transparent as I get older.

Ah sorry I misunderstood. I do suggest coffee to people..maybe just say That sounds nice. I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment but I'll let you know when things calm down?

That's fine, Faith. Im pretty hopeless. Nothing would induce me to "invite". I have EVERY idea ... and NO idea, why I'm like this!

Being ' a bit reclusive' is a perfectly normal human trait, so is a feeling of 'not fitting in' - almost everyone feels that way. You can't immediately leap to 'I must have autism' just because of that.

LaArdilla, I agree. My opinion is formed on the information I have now regarding my severely autistic son, who is 16 and family recollection/hindsight/life experience. There is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever. My GP would probavly refuse a referral in view of budget constraints and my age but I know. It's much more than preferring my own company and being a "homebod".

Burnout is very common in autistic people apparently. It's why some people think autism can "get worse" over time; it doesn't, but you have less energy for masking as you get older, plus less motivation to do it if your confidence grows with age.
Totally agree with this!
And I do the whole avoiding people thing too. There's one woman we sometimes see dog-walking & I'll always try and avoid her because she drains me completely. The second I spot her I'll be urging DDog to hurry up so we can get away quickly.

I really feel the burnout far more quickly now. I do like some socialising but I really, really need downtime.

There was a good article doing the rounds on FB the other week, about how this autistic burnout gets worse as you get older. The point about not having so much energy for masking any more rings really true for me.

I've just got back from a (rare) shopping trip. I went alone. I long ago gave up on meeting a friend and doing a bit of shopping. Having to "chat", cope with the journey, crowds, chaos and make choices on clothing, was too much. All I can say is that I had to really MAKE myself go; I parked up and walked briskly to one shop and walked back briskly to my car. I now feel massively relieved to be home.

Nikephorus... It's not ME you're avoiding is it? 😊 I always think I must wear people out because it's like getting blood from a stone, a conversation beyond "Hi, how're you?", from me!

I struggle similarly due to anxiety disorders.

And I grew up with a dog called Suki.
(are you me? ;-) )

😉 Nope...I'm definitely me!