Can't (or don't want to) "mask" anymore AIBU?

[SukiTheDog]

I'm a mature woman, a grown up. I have a 16 yr old son who has autism. I always thought his condition came from dad; not so, it's all ME. I've learned much since his diagnosis 12 yrs ago. My life, as a child, adolescent and adult, always feeling like I didn't "fit" with anyone/anywhere now makes perfect sense. I don't need a Dr's letter to tell me I have Aspergers. It's fine. I had a good career in the NHS for many years but would always volunteer to do New Years Eve/day rather than "party".

Anyway, I mostly feel like I've "masked" all my life and gotten away with it (apart from those who know me well and say "no, not really, it's pretty obvious!") and now, I've reached the age where I can't or don't want to socialise etc anymore. Problem is, on the surface I am genuinely a smiley, engaging person and will happily chat for short periods of time. But recently, several people keep inviting me to stuff; simple things like a coffee after walking the dog or a trip into town to do lunch and a spot of shopping. Today, i walked two miles out of my way with the dog to avoid a lovely (really lovely) lady who must be bemused or even insulted that I keep saying "oh, we MUST meet up" and I never make an attempt to do so.

I don't need to confirm that I'm different but how can I explain that anything more than social (brief) chit chat is too much for me? I dint want to offend anyone but it KEEPS happening and I feel BAD.

that's good to know, I never was any good at being anyone other than me anyway!

Suki definitely not you! The woman I avoid can provide enough conversation for a dozen people on her own without any input from me or anyone else She relishes seeing people to the extent that she'll stay out for a couple of hours with her dog in the hope of trapping more unsuspecting listeners!!
(And I've given up going out shopping!!)

That's interesting about burnout western I have been really struggling to cope now in my 40s and have been referred by my GP for ASD assessment.

I raised it as a possibility due to family history expecting to get laughed at but my GP just said "yes you have a number of markers, I'll refer you"

I'm too old for a diagnosis, what with cutbacks etc. I just find myself less and less willing to engage or make the effort to engage. It may be burnout or it could be, I just can't be bothered any more. I have a relative, by marriage and each time she visits, I need a week to get over her. I start off all "high energy chat" because that's what she expects but within a couple of days, I'm practically mute because I simply cannot do it, for a sustained period of time. Then I hear from her, via other family members "Suki's still very quiet" and it annoys me because trying to perform for her is a big effort for me and draining. Makes me want to not bother 😳

I know, Suki. Sometimes it feels like you're playing by their rules & trying your hardest but no one is making the effort in return.

I tried to explain it to DH, that it's like I'm speaking a foreign language constantly but sometimes I'd like it if everyone else spoke in my language, just for a day. He said "but your language is no language at all!". Exactly. Really easy to learn 😄

Assburgers, that's it. Thing is, if we were all "out there, in you're face, listen to me!" types, no one would be able to hear themselves think 😊

I say 'I have a disability which means I get very tired easily, so I'll have to give it a miss for now / leave now / leave early, but I really appreciate the invitation and I'd love to do x when I've got more energy.' People seem quite unphased by that.

I don't have ASD, but I am very introvert (or "quiet" as they used to call me when I was a child/teen!). I do know what you mean by being drained after being social, and like you, it's harder for me now I'm older.

Having said that, if I was the lady you meet on the dog walk, I would start feeling you were merely being polite, and didn't really want my company, after none of the invites for coffee materialised.
If you do value her company, may I suggest that you explain to her what the problem is? Let her know that it's not anything she's done.

This has struck a chord with me. I'm mid fifties, 2 sons, early 20's, and I've discovered that I'm just weary of people talking shite. I've always been on the introverted side of how our personalities are measured. I don't have a problem socialising but I don't do it often and I'm not interested in having 'hundreds of friends', thousands of followers or whatever FB and Twitter do and I'd imagine no-ones really interested in pics of my dinner. I have a few good friends and that's ok with me. I'm perfectly happy with my own company but also energised in good company. Who dictates that we have to behave like a presidential candidate whilst out walking the dog? Shaking hands and making glib comments to every passerby? My ex was like that and it was exhausting! I'll always say hello, pat other dogs/help with mums and buggies/take blind people across the road, but the incessant chatter does my head in. You're an individual and have the right to your own space.

Murpher . No one wants to see my culinary attempts either (I'm a shite cook). I'm glad I posted this. Seems I'm not the inly one who doesn't do "waffle". I think that's why I was good at my job. I was a staff nurse, junior then senior sister. Not too great at the chat but short, sweet and "to the point" in a crisis!

I'd think you'd be very surprised at just how many people feel like this. And I'd rather have a nurse who did an excellent job than one who kept rattling on about slebs or any other inane drivel. Too much over-sharing going on me thinks!

I am with you, the shit people consider worth talking about blows my mind

Lol, me too. Nice to have found a whole thread full of my people. Lots of good advice and thoughts here and not sure I have much to add except agreement, OP. It helps to be genuinely busy, I think, e.g. with work, which is a thing everyone understands.

I too have lost my tolerance for, well, pretty much everything as I've got older. I'm not sure if it's autistic burnout or perhaps the effect of understanding that I have a disability rather than just being a bit useless - as though the acceptance of that has allowed me to relax and give into it rather than struggling to be like everyone else which I now know is a hopeless endeavour (I was diagnosed late). For me, the sensory issues are the biggest deal. My tolerance for noise and crowds and intrusive smells has plummeted.

And here's another one....

We're on holiday this week. I'm sitting on a quiet, dog friendly beach in Cornwall reading my book and watching DH in the sea with dog. I wasn't aware someone was talking to me (about the beautiful dog we have) until she was standing right in front of me because I had ear plugs in. When I'm reading, I cannot process the words/story if there's too much noise distracting me. Anyone else like this? I remember when DH and I hadn't known each ither long and I went and sat in my car, to read. He had his kids over for the weekend and there was SO much going on. He came out to me and wasn't pleased, thinking I was in a strop. I wasn't of course, so it was Ok. Now, he just knows I'm peculiar!

MrsLupo, it is nice. Knowing we're not totally off our rocker! There's actually lots of us, out there.

I find I can't read while listening to music. I can only concentrate on one or the other.

Big day today... plucked up the courage and asked my GP to refer me for an asd assessment. He didn’t look surprised or laugh in my face. Because the adult assessment unit is out of my area, he has said he will need to refer for funding. Hopefully, my age won’t go against me.

We will see.

Good for you Suki. Hope that goes well.

Thanks Lupo. I asked years ago and my GP (different surgery) was flabbergasted and gave me the “everyone’s on the spectrum to some degree” talk.

Hope the funding comes through.

Yay Suki! Fingers crossed for you

UPDATING.

I’ve been assessed for adult autism. I fulfill the criteria and have come away with various leaflets and information on Aspergers and Female Autism groups. I knew. I feel massively relieved and probably won’t even mention it unless it’s very relevant.

A lot of things make sense now so no more beating myself up for being an antisocial, horrible person.

Good for you op!

Suki, I've been lurking, and I just wanted to congratulate you for being brave enough to follow through on your thoughts and go for diagnosis. I hope you can find a peace with yourself, now, and allow yourself to enjoy being you. I would love to be the person that was allowed to share your silence. I'm not one for big conversation, and I hate meaningless chit chat, but it's nice to find someone who likes to just 'be' sometimes, and gets that you don't have to always sing and dance to be ok

That's good news! I'm glad for you.

I have found my people

I definitely have some tendencies but no diagnosis.

This all rings true for me- I can't sustain the high energy chit chat for long, the needing for recharge time is increasing, and I am much more confident about avoiding and turning down invitations as I have got older.

The being more unwilling to mask it as one gets older too makes perfect sense.

My idea of hell is a party, a crowded shopping centre or anywhere with loud music or shrieking children. If I do go out to eat, and there is loud music on, I ask them to turn it down or off and explain I have a hearing problem, which I do in a way.

The other day whilst having that coffee with that friend which I had put off for months, even the noise of the coffee machine set my teeth on edge.

It is definitely not a confidençe thing - I have travelled all over the world on my own and loved it.

There is that book , 'Quiet' isn't there about all this. I must read it.

Yay Suki! Welcome to the Family