Can't (or don't want to) "mask" anymore AIBU?

[SukiTheDog]

I'm a mature woman, a grown up. I have a 16 yr old son who has autism. I always thought his condition came from dad; not so, it's all ME. I've learned much since his diagnosis 12 yrs ago. My life, as a child, adolescent and adult, always feeling like I didn't "fit" with anyone/anywhere now makes perfect sense. I don't need a Dr's letter to tell me I have Aspergers. It's fine. I had a good career in the NHS for many years but would always volunteer to do New Years Eve/day rather than "party".

Anyway, I mostly feel like I've "masked" all my life and gotten away with it (apart from those who know me well and say "no, not really, it's pretty obvious!") and now, I've reached the age where I can't or don't want to socialise etc anymore. Problem is, on the surface I am genuinely a smiley, engaging person and will happily chat for short periods of time. But recently, several people keep inviting me to stuff; simple things like a coffee after walking the dog or a trip into town to do lunch and a spot of shopping. Today, i walked two miles out of my way with the dog to avoid a lovely (really lovely) lady who must be bemused or even insulted that I keep saying "oh, we MUST meet up" and I never make an attempt to do so.

I don't need to confirm that I'm different but how can I explain that anything more than social (brief) chit chat is too much for me? I dint want to offend anyone but it KEEPS happening and I feel BAD.

Your comments really resounded with me, Suki. I'll be on a dog walk and breath a sigh of relief when there is no one else in sight. And as I've got older, the effort of trying to work out what social norms are/how to behave takes up more and more energy.
Congratulations on pursuing your diagnosis. I haven't (in my 60s and retired, realised 2 years ago that my late (engineer) DF was a classic Aspergian and so was I. I score very highly on the online autism tests. And yes to being unable to read/concentrate with back ground noise .Preferably no noise. And no people, most of the time.

Thanks all, for the positive reaction. To be fair, it doesn’t change anything really. My DH said “Oh? Do you want to talk about it?” I didn’t really, or at least, not now. I think because DS has autism (17) and having been through the diagnosis from aged 2 with him, many things just “fit”. I’ve had the conversation many times with my son, “you’re like me” and I didn’t need an official label to tell me that. The hardest thing has been my mum. I didn’t tell her I was being assessed and probably won’t tell her the outcome. So adamant is she, that my difficulties stemmed from going to boarding school, aged 10. That WAS a hard time for me but the boarding school merely accented my differences which were always there and which my family excused as my little foibles. I was from a very working class upbringing and got a scholarship to go to ballet school in London as a boarder. To say that I struggled socially, was an understatement!

Lougle, thank you for your heartfelt thoughts. When I’ve given it some thought, I might look at women’s forums....it’ll be nice to join a group online, that I’ll probably fit into nicely rather than my “real life” social life where I’m so busy trying to be what I think I’m supposed to be, that I have no clue what I’m actually like.

I feel very content this evening.

StandardPoodle .... there’s loads of us! 😊

Welcome to the club.

OP, I started reading your thread to my 14yo DD and she absolutely nodded along. I'm starting to think more and more that I should push to get her assessed. I was rebuffed completely when I took her to the GP for a referral a few years back.

It's fine if you don't want to chat and socialise with other people but it's a bit mean to keep suggesting you should meet up if you have no intention of doing so. Why not do her the courtesy of being honest?

It must be hard to even contemplate being honest with people about it, when you have spent a lifetime training yourself to 'mask'. But by telling people and explaining (briefly but factually), you will be giving them the opportunity to treat you kindly and understandingly and to have the kind of relationship with you that you can cope with. People are much more aware of Aspergers and autism than they used to be, but they can't be expected to know how to act with you unless you tell them!

I don't think you even need to mention asd (unless you're comfortable doing so). Something general about being busy/stressed and needing a lot of peace and quiet to recuperate at the moment should do it. Or at least not suggesting meet ups.

Thank you SO much Op, and everyone else, for the honesty in this thread.

I'm mid fifties. You've all described me to a tee. Thank you for making me feel less alone. Truly

Fucking, you’re welcome

Barbarian, being mean was never my intention. And really, I enjoy yomping through the fields in all weathers, with a group of interesting, funny, lovely ladies. Eventually, I did say to the “coffee” lady that I’m not one for meeting up for coffee and that it’s NOT personal but that with everything I have “on” with DS, I find it hard to commit to anything. We still meet....yomp...natter and then say “see you again” and that works well, for now. I think I can explain that actually I’m not simply antisocial and that I’m wired up differently. It doesn’t mean I’m not genuine and not genuinely happy to spend time together. I am. But, it’s not something that comes naturally and despite my intelligence and humour I cannot “learn” that skill. I can watch and try but it’ll never come easy. Mean? No.

Eolian - you have a point, there. I think sharing my “reason” with some, might be the thing to do.

I'm finding this thread very interesting. My toddler ds was diagnosed today and I was just talking to my mum about my childhood behaviour and feelings and my depressive and anxious tendencies as I believe I too have asd. My mum is very similar also. I believe I am currently suffering from burnout due to stressful job, problems at home and the whole diagnosis process for my son. Am on Sertraline and have just been told to double my dose.

RosiePosie, I would say, if you both have your suspicion that asd May Be there, I’d say see another GP and be insistent. I visited my GP years ago and was practically laughed out of the room. I was a grown up, had a husband, a child and a senior role as a nursing sister. Clearly, to my GP, it was ludicrous for me to think I had a problem.

Ten years later, a different GP agreed to a referral. Please, don’t wait for assessment. So many girls “slip through the net”. And we do OK but the fact is, I was born with a different “barcode” and I’ve managed to get through the check out, as it were, but frankly, it’s been damned hard and I no longer need to berate myself for my inadequacies. I think, everything considered, I’m pretty amazing to have come this far “alone”. I don’t need to feel “odd” or deficient any more, I may find a whole section of society who are like me, and “get” me. I woke this morning and felt rather special. “We” are different but in an amazing way. Your daughter, like my son, may think in all manner of amazing ways. He astonishes me everyday, just the way his brain ticks over.

Go, make an appointment with another GP. Bang on the desk, if you need to (in a very polite and understated way, of course) but get your message over.

Thanks, Suki. It's something I think she needs to agree to as well, at this age, so we'll have a chat.