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To ignore his mum

70 replies

Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 14:24

For a bit of background (I don't want this thread to be about him)
Me, OH and DD were living at OHs mums. I fell pregnant and OH asked me and DD to leave as I refused to have an abortion.
His mum sobbed when I told her, we packed up our stuff and left.
I KNOW his mum hasn't said anything to him about this, they've carried on as normal and now she sends me videos of her face every morning and every night "MORNING (DD) nanny loves you, be good for mummy mwa mwa mwa" or "GOODNIGHT MY DARLING, have a good sleep love you lots MWA MWA MWA" she literally kisses the camera and I've never cringed so much in my life she tries to ask about my pregnancy and has half invited herself to scans/appointments. AIBU to be pissed off with her? She hasn't said a word to her son about how he's acted or the fact that we're not there because of him. No disappointment shown or voiced and she expects me to be fine with her. I understand it's her son but you have to be pretty heartless to NOT say anything to him or let her feelings be known about this? It just makes me feel (about the pregnancy more than DD) you chose to support him in having nothing to do with this and have left me to do it alone, so that's that. Its my thing now and it feels like rubbing salt in the wound to ask me about it and pretend me and her are friends or that I'm not upset with her when I feel betrayed!

OP posts:

Troels · 14/07/2017 14:33

How do you know she hasn't been saying anything to him?
She sounds very sad that her Ds has essentially cut her off from the grandchildren.


Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 14:35

the day after I left she text to check in and I said how in shock I am with him. She said "I know, me too but I'm not getting involved" the sun shines out of his arse and I know she has never and would never pull him up on anything! I agree she must be heartbroken which makes me question even more why she hasn't said anything

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Oliversmumsarmy · 14/07/2017 14:37

He asked you to leave because I am presuming he got you pregnant.

He does know that asking you to leave doesn't negate his responsibilities


Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 14:41

First his excuse was we can't afford it. DD is 10 months old and we still have everything left from her being smaller and luckily everything we got was unisex (minus clothes) so that was quickly shut down. Then that he didn't want another, I pointed out that he'll still want to see DD and asked if he planned on leaving new baby out and ignoring it, then he said he will be there and pay for both of them he just doesn't want to be with me.

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sonjadog · 14/07/2017 14:41

I guess she doesn't want to alienate him either. I can understand why you are annoyed with her, but maybe just cut down the contact rather than cut it off?


Noodoodle · 14/07/2017 14:44

That's tough op, maybe she honestly knows that nothing she can say will change his mind? I have been guilty myself of saying "oh I'm not getting involved" when actually I've tried really hard and the person has just been an arse, but I'm hoping they'll change their mind and don't want to make them seem worse - could that be it? However, if it were me it may be the son I'd have gotten to move out rather than allow him to make the pregnant gf leave...

But she clearly wants to be a part of her gc's life. Maybe explain to her exactly how you feel about her actions (or lack of) and take it from there.


Purplemac · 14/07/2017 14:45

I'm on the fence.

When my dBro left his girlfriend and their child, I stayed out of it too whilst remaining very close with her. He was a dick, no doubt about it, but he was also an adult who has always been a dick and I knew that me saying anything to him would be pointless. So I get how she feels - he is being awful but he is still her son and she probably doesn't want to damage her relatio ship with him.

It's good that she is still involved with you though. You see it as rubbing salt in the wounds, but why? Would you prefer her to just cut you and your child out of her life?


BackforGood · 14/07/2017 14:46

Sounds like another 'MiL' can't win, thread. (I know technically she isn't your MiL, but...).
She is ABSOLUTELY right to not interfere between her ds and his partner. There are thousands of threads on here complaining and poster after posters replies saying his Mum should butt out / nothing to do with her / he needs to make his own decisions, etc.
She is also right to want to maintain a relationship with you to enable her to maintain a relationship with her grandchildren. (Even if the little film-lets are not to your taste).

Your situation is bad, but it REALLY isn't her you should be being cross at.....


Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 14:46

I reply maybe once a week (I get probably 3 messages/videos a day). I hate being pestered at the best of times, my mum is also one to send loads of messages telling me she loves us and thinks about us etc and as much as that can get too much sometimes I know it's coming from a good place but with exs mum I can't help but feel it's very two faced

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Allthewaves · 14/07/2017 14:51

She's walking the difficult line tbh. she stands up for you she looses her son, she stands up for him she loses you.

How do you know she hasn't calmly told her ds that she disagrees with him but he won't listen??

I'd keep channels open with her, she's your kid granny after all.


Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 14:54

It's hard because I think if I read this I would think "she's only trying to be there for you" "she must not agree with him because she's still making an effort" and I get that but I suppose you have to know her to understand. We lived with her whilst saving for mortgage btw, but she made me being there awful. Was always "lovely" and "polite" and "friendly" but was the worst for making sly digs or talking through DD to me. For example one day me and DD we're going out and MIL held her while I was putting bags in the car, I jokingly waved bye bye to DD and she waved back, MIL said "aww bye mummy haha! You're waving bye because you don't want to go out with mummy do you!" Then in the future when anyone else waved as she didn't wave back MIL would say "oh no she only waves at her mummy don't you because you don't like going out with mummy!" Digs like that all the time!! She constantly told DD what to do and over ruled me. Things that didn't bother me like a teething baby munching on her fingers at 6mo, MIL did not allow and tried to stop her doing. It may sound petty but there was a long list on things that made me want to shout "I'm her mum!!" And now she sends me these videos everyday it almost feels like I'm a babysitter and she's her mum and she is as clingy as a mum would be. I'm her mum, you're her man. Ask how she is etc but for god sake let me breath

OP posts:

Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 14:56


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Neverknowing · 14/07/2017 15:01

I think you're right op. She raised her son and he's not acting right, my MIL would kick my DP out and let me and DD stay if it were us. I understand why you're annoyed.
Saying that, there's not a lot you can do other than bring it up with her ? Good luck with the new baby btw.


Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 15:13

I don't want to talk about it though, I can't even think about it without crying and then I'm in a horrible place for days. I do just want to move on from it and I don't WANT to be pissed off at her but I am. Il just keep doing what I'm doing I think and hope she gets the hint

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milliemolliemou · 14/07/2017 15:24

You were living with her to be saving a mortgage? were you contributing? I'd be looking at your bank account.

He doesn't want to be with you, as you say. Consult CAB about what you can expect him to contribute to two children. Did you know he didn't want a further child? Did you not agree or was it a failure of contraception?

As for his MIL just ignore and keep her on side. You don't think he'll listen to her/she won't tell him. She wants contact with her GD and subsequent GC but you're not living with her any more, so you can just delete the videos and messages and speak to her on your own terms. If you're living with your own DM or siblings, she can visit on her own terms.

Or you just block her and see what happens/make things worse. Your call.


Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 15:27

We were contributing, what do you mean look at my bank account?
This definitely wasn't planned by either of us hence his reaction and I wouldn't block her. I don't want nothing to do with her I just am upset with her

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Mysteriouscurle · 14/07/2017 15:33

How come he gets to decide who lives at his mums place? Basically it is her call who lives there so she allowed him to kick you out. I dont think I'd be bothering with her either


Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 15:38

There was 0 question. They were lovely enough to let me use their suitcases though so lucky me!

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Noodoodle · 14/07/2017 15:39

Oh so she was overbearing when you were there and now it seems like she's still trying to be to an extent, with being so present all the time even though she's not.

That's a shame. You sound like you're doing the best thing to be honest, not replying to every little thing and only doing it when you want to make time to. I'd just carry on with that and see how it goes. Just keep everything on your terms. You don't want to talk today, don't. You don't want to watch her kissy face video, don't. Do you think she genuinely adores your dc? Could she be honestly worried that she'll be forgotten so is trying to overcompensate? I can see why it would be rather annoying, at a time when you're already really going through it.

Wishing you the best for the remainder of your pregnancy, be kind to yourself Flowers


Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 15:46

I do think she adores DD! Unlike her son she is coming from a good place whether it's convenient for me or not I do know that. BUT I'm sooooo stressed, I literally struggle every day for child care for my daughter now that I'm not there (MIL used to have her until OH got home, even though I'm sure she done everything for her even then). I don't want DD going there now as I don't want to have to interact with them every day nor do I want to make it easy for her dad, wanted us out but il take her round there every day? No. So as I said I'm really struggling, with childcare, not spending my days crying, doing everything on my own, being pregnant, the prospect of having two children on my own especially when they're so close in age and won't be easy (I know how blessed I am but that doesn't make it easy) so now more than ever I'm extra sensitive/pissy which is why her ignorance to the situation bugs me so much. My worlds falling apart and you think I want a video of your lips kissing the camera

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ambereeree · 14/07/2017 16:26

That waving thing my MIL does as well. Annoying but not an awful thing to do. What did you expect her to say to her son?


Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 16:29

"I don't agree with what you've done" "I'm disappointed in how you've acted" "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU"

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ambereeree · 14/07/2017 17:14

I'm guessing she probably thinks that but he's her son at the end of the day. Don't burn bridges with his mum you might need her help. I think you're being really brave and hope it all goes well.


OstentatiousWanking · 14/07/2017 17:20

I think she is stuck between a rock and a hard place.
She clearly loves you and her Grandaughter.
They have been a massive part of each others lives.
She is doing her best for everyone she loves.


OstentatiousWanking · 14/07/2017 17:26

My opinion may be coloured by my ex MIL not maintaining any contact after her blaming me for my marriage ending due to DV.

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