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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore his mum

70 replies

Christinedonna · 14/07/2017 14:24

For a bit of background (I don't want this thread to be about him)
Me, OH and DD were living at OHs mums. I fell pregnant and OH asked me and DD to leave as I refused to have an abortion.
His mum sobbed when I told her, we packed up our stuff and left.
I KNOW his mum hasn't said anything to him about this, they've carried on as normal and now she sends me videos of her face every morning and every night "MORNING (DD) nanny loves you, be good for mummy mwa mwa mwa" or "GOODNIGHT MY DARLING, have a good sleep love you lots MWA MWA MWA" she literally kisses the camera and I've never cringed so much in my life she tries to ask about my pregnancy and has half invited herself to scans/appointments. AIBU to be pissed off with her? She hasn't said a word to her son about how he's acted or the fact that we're not there because of him. No disappointment shown or voiced and she expects me to be fine with her. I understand it's her son but you have to be pretty heartless to NOT say anything to him or let her feelings be known about this? It just makes me feel (about the pregnancy more than DD) you chose to support him in having nothing to do with this and have left me to do it alone, so that's that. Its my thing now and it feels like rubbing salt in the wound to ask me about it and pretend me and her are friends or that I'm not upset with her when I feel betrayed!

OP posts:
Aquathest · 14/07/2017 19:35

Christinedonna- I remember your previous thread about new baby's surname. Your situation is difficult to offer a lot of advice on because your XP is paying maintenance for your DD and also continuing to see your DD at times agreed between you.

Unfortunately there is no law to stop him not wanting to be with you; only to provide for the lives he has created which he has been doing up to now. You need to focus on the things in your life that you can control and his and his DMs actions are not one of them.

Easy for me to say I know because he has treated you like shit by asking you to leave while pregnant (should have worn a condom if he was that against a 2nd DC). I would be wanting to vent every day too.

So I can understand your emotions but not sure what you reasonably expect his DM to do?
If she is still willing to help out with your childcare situation, let her.
It's one less thing for you to be stressed over.
Do not view her offer of looking after DD as making things easy for XP to see DD, instead think about how it makes life more manageable for you.
You will need that help and support even more so when you have 2 DC.

mygorgeousmilo · 14/07/2017 23:12

Having read your other threads, I feel like this was all inevitable. Sounds like your ex MIL just desperately misses your DD if she was living there, and also taking care of her often.

LouHotel · 14/07/2017 23:22

I think you are the mother of her grandchildren and you hold the power. She needs to keep you sweet to get to see them but dont for one minute think she actually cares about you. At the end of the day your oxygen thief ex his her baby boy.

Ibhope youve got your ex paying CM and sorted out cutting financial ties....where did you go when they effectively made you homeless because that would entitle you to social housing.

I would limi

PollyFlint · 14/07/2017 23:34

I do see why this is annoying you but your daughter is her grandchild and of course, she loves her and misses her. I get that all the messages etc are a bit much and that really isn't my kind of thing either - but equally I'm pretty sure it's well-meaning.

It's your ex who is the dickhead here, not your MIL. She is right, she can't get involved in what happened with your relationship. Apart from anything, who knows what your ex has told her? He might have spun her all sorts of lies about why the relationship ended. I don't think you can expect her take sides, really.

blackteasplease · 15/07/2017 00:38

I hope if I was her I would kick my son out and let my dil and grandkids stay.

In fact, if he were decent he would have chosen to go.

Hisnamesblaine · 15/07/2017 01:18

Where do you live now? Is your ex contributing financially? Are you communicating at all with him? Could he perhaps see the error of his ways after afew weeks apart? And if he did..... would you have him back?

kali110 · 15/07/2017 02:08

I think you're being really unfair on your mil.
She can't win can she?
Sounds like she's really upset with how things have turned out, but at the end of the day she's still going to put her son first.( shes not going to turf him out instead).
You don't know that she hasn't said anything.
I really doubt ahe hasn't had words with him, but she isn't going to get in the middle of you two, nor should she!
Im sorry you're hurting right now, but you're angry at the wrong person!
He has done this! Not her!
She's still trying to support you,let her.
Not taking your dd over there, is going to hurt her,dd and simply make it harder for you.
He has done this op.
He is the only one you should be mad at.
I hope you stop hurting soon, is isn't worth it Flowers

Smitff · 15/07/2017 02:58

She's only interested in her D.C. and DGC. In your shoes, I'd treat her accordingly for my children's benefit.

NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 07:48

Your are so not fucking unreasonable. It's not like some pps situations at all because you lived with her so when he kicked you out and she let him she as good as kicked you out herself.
She can't say "I'm not getting involved" because she already did!!

NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 07:48

Sorry forgot all my punctuation there Blush

emmyrose2000 · 15/07/2017 07:56

She stood by and watched as her son threw his own child and the woman pregnant with his baby out of their house.

I wouldn't give her the time of day.

LittleBooInABox · 15/07/2017 08:08

Let's be real here, and I'm sorry if it comes across in a mean way.

You want MIL to side with you. To you She hasn't. You don't know if she's had a word in his ear, or what discussions they've had. I suspect what she means by not getting involved, is just that. She knows it'll get messy. It always does. She wants to stay out of that part. And I can't blame her. Your issue is with him not her!

As for "I don't want to make it easy for the dad"
He hurt you. He was an arse to you. And you'll probably find when new DC arrive he'll want to be involved in both their lives. However comments like that are stupid. Their still his kids. Making it hard for him because you feel hurt is a dick move.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 15/07/2017 08:27

So now the MIL is the bad one because the son has ended it and OP moved out.

He doesn't have to stay in a relationship with OP, he just has too provide support which he told OP he would pay for both.

He is a grown adult his mum can't tell him what to do, She can only give her opinion.

So she should have kicked her son out for the DIL and GD and for how long is she too accommodate them for? Yeah it's ok to say but what is the likelihood of that happening.

toomuchtooold · 15/07/2017 08:38

All that stuff with the "you prefer nan to mummy don't you" stuff raises alarm bells with me. Sure she likes your daughter, but that stuff will mess with her head. Then you add the son - not acting kindly, not willing to face up to his responsibilities... I don't think she's as nice as she would have you believe. I think you're well out of it, to be honest. I'd try and be less available to her - don't show DD the videos unless she asks, otherwise quietly delete - and be glad you got away.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 15/07/2017 08:48

I am so glad to be out of the situation!
I've not for one minute made it hard for him, he has her two days a week, what I mean by making it too easy is I don't want him coming home from work every day to DD being there and then it's like "well I haven't missed out really have I" yes she's his daughter but he chose to not have her there so other than those two days a week I don't think it'll do any harm for him to miss her and maybe think about how he's acted!
I'm staying with family until my own place is available in a few months. In all honesty I don't want MIL to take my side, her disowning her son and having just me would be my worst nightmare because I don't want to see her all the time. I understand he's her son and she'll stick by him but at the end of the day it would be nice if she made her feelings clear. Not changed her feelings, I know she completely agrees with me and secretly resents him for what he's done but she's NOT the kind of person to say anything to him. He's her baby and she would NEVER put him straight.
Tried to answer as many questions as I could there

OP posts:
mygorgeousmilo · 15/07/2017 08:51

But, having read your other threads - did he know you were not using contraception? I don't understand how this has happened after you broke up seemingly for good. I don't condone his behaviour and throwing you all out was terrible, but there has to be more to all of this?

Original poster
Christinedonna · 15/07/2017 08:55

We hadn't slept together in about 3 or 4 months. I was on "cerelle" the pill where you have to take it at the same time every day and with a 10mo that's not always possible. I thought why am I still taking it and bleeding every other day for no reason?? There's no point. So I came off of it. Weeks later we DTD once (initiated by him and was completely out of the blue) so in the moment I didn't think about it. And that's all it took. We hadn't broken up until after I told him and he wanted to me get an abortion. We've been through some very rough patches yes but we were together

OP posts:
Original poster
Christinedonna · 15/07/2017 08:55

And actually better than ever a few weeks before I found out

OP posts:
Lulu1083 · 15/07/2017 09:15

Did he know you'd stopped taking it OP?

Original poster
Christinedonna · 15/07/2017 09:19

No

OP posts:
mygorgeousmilo · 15/07/2017 09:27

But in your previous threads you had broken up for quite a while, and also had been trying to get pregnant with anyone at all (with no contraception)because you were so keen to be pregnant. So my point is not to nitpick at you, but just to be clear on how this all actually played out. What happened to your own place that you were living in when you were broken up - until this happened?

mygorgeousmilo · 15/07/2017 09:28

So he didn't know you'd stopped taking the pill ^^

Original poster
Christinedonna · 15/07/2017 09:31

What threads?? When DD was a month old so almost 10 months ago we split up for a month because he was trying to sleep with other girls. Only time we've broke up and yes I've been through VERY shit stages in my life before thank you for throwing that in my face. I wasn't trying to get pregnant by anyone. I had fertility issues and wasn't using contraception because I thought i couldn't get pregnant. Ps I haven't slept with a lot of people by anyone's standards so I don't appreciate you making it sound like I was jumping from bed to bed trying to get a baby. I also don't know what house you're talking about. We lived with my family then his while saving for our own place

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 15/07/2017 09:47

It's not up to her to tell him off and make him behave.

mygorgeousmilo · 15/07/2017 09:56

I'm not throwing anything in your face, it just doesn't add up. Your previous threads are right there for anyone to see. What I'm trying to establish is, did your own behaviour have an impact on this situation, and if it did or didn't - either way it's not really your MIL's problem.