To not taking newborn baby into smoking household

[Lemonfrostedcake]

My mum and her partner are very heavy smokers. They smoke in every room in their house - kitchen, living room, bedroom. My brother lives there but doesn't smoke (I feel sorry for him, but I can't do much about that).

They have always smoked in the house whilst I've been visiting, but since pregnancy they've tried to sit next to the open back door or we sit outside (though still not great as they can both be smoking at the same time either side of me). However as the evening goes on they'll start to have a cheeky fag inside the house.

Even if they aren't smoking in the house, to a non-smoker it's incredibly obvious. Everything just smells and I always come home feeling really grimey.

I was round yesterday - I'm 39 weeks now. It felt a little like the pretense had been given up. Granted, my mum wasn't sitting on the sofa next to me, but instead standing at the living room door way. It's not my house, so I don't say anything.

However I do not want to expose my baby to that atmosphere. I can't make them stop smoking in their house, so the only thing I can think is that we don't go round. No Christmas, no weekend visits, no stay overs for baby, etc. They can of course visit us (though they very rarely bother - possibly because they have to go outside away from the doors to smoke).

I don't think I'm being precious, and I know lots of children survived in smoking households (me, for one), but I still don't want it for my child.

Am I being unreasonable to think it makes little difference to the smoke in the house by smoking outside for the few hours I might visit for? And am I being overly precious?

YANBU, I couldn't take my baby to my Nana's because she smokedin her house, to make matters worse she wouldn't leave her house and wouldn't not smoke in her house. She never got to see my DS in real life such a shame but I had to make that decision and I think it was the right one.

Blimey YANBU! I'd never take a baby into a house like that, especially not a newborn. Do they not understand about the SIDS risk? They shouldn't be holding the baby in the first few months without a change of clothes, a handwash and 30 mind since last cigarette.

YANBU... I'm a smoker, don't smoke in my house because I know it stinks and clings to everything. My sister is expecting and I never smoke around or near her, my choice we've never discussed it. I grew up with a gran who chain smoked when we were babies, but people weren't as aware of the risks to babies and young kids as they are now. I'll be honest if I was it DM and had to choose between smoking or my GC it wouldn't be a difficult choice. The baby should come first. Maybe u could give her some information on the risks to change her attitude from well u turned out ok?

YANBU we don't have any friends and the only family we have are my mother and step father who are as anti smoking and antisocial as us. My son probably has copd, he's 10 just walking past a smoker in the street leaves him unwell

YANBU in the slightest. I would fee exactly the same in your position.

As a previous poster has suggested, if it's tricky finding the words to explain why you won't be visiting, use the wealth of information available on the risks of smoking to newborns. It would be impossible for anyone to dispute the evidence and you can explain that whilst you are upset that you can't bring your baby round you just can't ignore the advice.

YANBU. Not a chance I'd take my baby round there.

yanbu, ex use to smoke inside (mainly in the winter through a window) but once I was pregnant I made him smoke outside, much to his disgust

Absolutely YANBU. What a dreadful thing to do to a baby. Make it clear you want them to be in baby's life but no smoking in house when baby there.

Yanbu. As so one said cot death is linked to smoky households, you'd never forgive yourself if something happened to your baby.

When my dc was a newborn I wouldn't let smoker friends / family hold the newborn if I could smell smoke on them. It caused offence but I did warn them beforehand. People may think I was ott but I don't care, it's your baby, and if people care more about smoking before the visit than holding the baby that was their choice.

She sounds exactly like my mum. She smokes like a chimney and I refuse to visit her even before I got pregnant and had DS. She smokes in the car with the window up on the way to visit us and absolutely reeks of smoke, then thinks washing her hands will make it ok? She'll lift my newborn baby and then let him lie against her body all the while he breathes in smoke from her!! It makes my skin crawl. I can stand it for about 3 minutes before grabbing him back. He always reeks of smoke then.

I explained the risks to her, she knows them. She doesn't care. She doesn't care that my son could die because she won't not smoke for 30 minutes and change her clothes. She doesn't care that he'll never be able to stay for sleepovers. She doesn't care that she's making me uncomfortable and unhappy. So why the fuck would I care if she's offended?

Absolutely you aren't unreasonable. I can't understand why parents enjoy making life difficult for their adult children. Why does her not smoking around your baby, make her need to cause drama? To most normal people, it's just common sense.

Just don't take the baby round there. Don't make an issue of it, just don't go. Presuming your mother is able bodied, if she wants to see the baby, she will have to make the effort won't she. If she doesn't make the effort, then that tells you that her cigs are more important than you and your child, in which case why would you bother with her anyway?

I do think some of the hysteria surrounding third hand smoke is possibly overstated, given that most pushchairs are on a level with car exhausts blowing fumes in a baby's face, but ultimately in a case like this, it's up to you whether you want to take that risk. You don't, so your mother has two choices really.

YANBU. I wouldn't even have gone there pregnant tbh so you've already been very accommodating I think!

My midwife told me that second-hand smoke is as bad for babies as first-hand smoke is for adults and hugely increases the risk of SIDS. I'm already anticipating having this conversation with my brother!

Yanbu, i wouldn't take my almost 1yo into a smokers house.

YANBU

The chemicals and nicotine stay on a person's hair, skin and clothing for up to 3-4 hours post cigarette (so never wear off if they're chain smokers), and on their breath for at least 30 minutes.
These chemicals are then absorbed through the skin of those who come into physical contact. That will include hard and soft surfaces that your baby may come into contact with if people smoke inside the house.

I can remember going as a kid to help my dad paint my grandad's living room and the colour of the ceiling when the white paint on made a lasting impression. It was disgusting! Yellow-brown stains from all the years of cigarette smoke - imagine that's all over the furniture and your baby will be touching that and putting their fingers in their mouths. Just grim.

It's difficult because your DM is going to be offended by it, but ultimately she needs to stop putting her selfish wants (to smoke inside, I realise that smoking is an addiction) over the health of your baby.

Just stop going and when she asks, just say it's because of the smoking in the house. Be blunt and be brave, ultimately your responsibility is to keep your baby safe.

YANBU. We have the same problem with MIL. She isn't a smoker but my BIL who lives with her is and also smokes everywhere in the house. It has caused a rift as we don't go into the house and she has put her foot down and point blank refuses to come to ours.

My children aged 7, 5 and 2 have never been to their house which is sad but it's not going to change. My MIL who doesn't even smoke said she chokes on the smoke as she has bad asthma and has been in hospital and got a diagnosis of heart failure but she still defends BIL.

It is hard when its family but you need to do what is right for your own child and your choices should be respected from wider family members(which is not the case in our situation)

When I was pregnant with my eldest my MIL said BIL wouldn't smoke in front of me but he did so the trust was broken for me.

peach my teen is studyingtbiology and her teacher has told the class that second hand smoke is dangerous because people around a smoker don't have the benefit of the filter.

Try that to explain to your DB.

Freddofrog1983 Your BIL is a charmer, isn't he? He smokes on his asthmatic mother's house!

Oh the "Well you were all right" line grinds my gears.

Oh christ, my mother said that to me (she's batshit mental in other ways too and we're not in contact). I have fucking asthma! It's mild, and I only usually need my inhaler when I have a cold, but ffs.

YANBU.

Sorry but your mum sounds precious. Not returning your calls because you didn't turn up for the non-plans you had?

I smoke, I grew up with it as the norm, but obviously I would not be offended (infact I would expect it) if someone didn't want their child around it. If I wanted to see someones baby I would offer to go to them instead, if they wanted me to.
I get not wanting to cause offence, I have a similar relationship with sensitive relatives. Sometimes its easier to give in. But in this case, your little ones health and happiness is now more important.

The 'you were fine' excuse means nothing really, side effects of smoking aren't always immediately apparent (even i'm 'fine' right now).

Your mum will hopefully understand when it sinks in that you're now responsible for a little persons life and that comes before her getting her own way.

Andrew, my BIL is selfish. When she went into hospital and the nurse took her clothes out of her bag she asked my MIL if she smoked. When MIL said no she said her clothes were full of smoke. Trouble is MIL defends BIL so it's a no win situation. We have tried so much to compromise and try and meet somewhere neutral and even offered to pick her up and drop her back home but she is unwilling because we won't go into her house. It's a no win situation.

Yanbu, how anyone can smoke around a baby or any child disgusts me! (And I smoke, I wouldn't even let my child see a packet of cigarettes never mind smoke anywhere near him!)

So I sent my mum a message yesterday as I'm hopefully due any minute. I didn't mention not going round, but did mention that I'd been talking about smoking with the midwife about the dangers of secondhand smoke. And asked her to have a read of the a link to the Babycentre (this one: www.babycentre.co.uk/x1048535/will-smoking-outside-protect-my-baby-from-second-hand-smoke).

She replied this morning say that whilst she understands, this puts her in a difficult position as she can't come near the baby and doesn't know what to do for the best.

I've replied with the general guidance (smokefree 30 mins, clean shirt, clean hands), but I'm devastated. It feels to be that smoking is at least of equal importance if not more important than her first grandchild.

I don't really have anyone else around me (PIL live 200 miles away), so I was really hoping my DM would be more involved (she doesn't work and would have been a great support for maternity leave, just to have someone to talk to).

Sorry but if your mum can't prioritise a little babies needs over her own dirty selfish habit then she really isn't the support you need.

Lemon does she not understand that if she follows the guidance she can spend time with you both?

YANBU. It's a health risk. When I was pregnant (as an ex smoker) the smell of smoke was the only thing that made me feel really really sick. No ones ever smoked in our house but FIL and DM smoke and would go into the garden to do so. I found that when they came back in, the smell of them would make me feel so ill and it hung around for ages. So I banned smoking at our home completely - the rule was if they came to us they didn't smoke when they were here. Caused a few ruffled feathers,
DM didn't mind as she knew it made me feel ill but MIL said 'oh FIL won't be able to come then if he can't smoke'. I told her that as they usually visit for an hour or two (they are v local) and he could easily go a six hour flight without smoking I didn't see why not, but if he chose not to come, that was his choice. DD is 15 months now and the ban still stands - I didn't want people going out to smoke and then cuddling my newborn with stinking clothes either. I can't stop people smoking anywhere else but in my house, it's my rules and if people don't like it, tough. Same applies for taking DD into smoky environments - if we are out and about and people smoke there's nothing I can do but I can actively avoid her going into a smoky house. Luckily no one around us smokes in houses.