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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tmi anal sorry (potential trigger)

192 replies

embarrassednamechanged · 12/07/2017 22:14

Ok, so not sure if I even want to say this but it's been playing in my mind and would like a bit of perspective.

A few weeks ago my dh and I were at a wedding, both very drunk. At the end of the night in hotel room started to get a bit friendly. Dh is behind me and instead of having sex in the normal way he tries to penetrate anally, something I've always been very clear I hate and will never do. I keep telling him to stop and he keeps trying, I asked him to stop 5 or 6, maybe more times. He even spits on me to try and lubricate. He only penetrated a little as it wouldn't go in properly but then he gives up and has normal sex, I didn't say no to that. By this point I was scared he's not going to stop anal and I'm crying though facing away from him. When he'd finished I went to the toilet and cried. He thought I was being dramatic and making a fuss.

We didn't speak about it or have sex for a few weeks after. When we eventually did I said I need to know that you'll stop if I ask you to and explained how I'd felt. He didn't seem to realise I was upset, and he did apologise. We've just carried on as if nothing happened but i still don't quite feel right about it. He never done anything like it before (or since) though he can be persistent about sex.

Aibu to still let this bother me? How can I put it out of my mind? Sorry for tmi

OP posts:
Questioningeverything · 12/07/2017 22:17

You're kidding right? I don't mean to be insensitive with that, he's at best sexually assaulted you, at worst, rape.

Get away from him as fast as you can, he's dangerous

endofthelinefinally · 12/07/2017 22:17

YANBU.

HerBluebiro · 12/07/2017 22:17

Oh you poor thing.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. Your husband raped you.

Now what do you want to do?

DrHorribletookmycherry · 12/07/2017 22:18

YANBU. I wouldn't contemplate sex with someone who I couldn't trust to respect my view on things.
You'll presumably only "put this out of your mind" by tackling this with him. Personally I'd not be able to continue a sexual relationship. But perhaps some marriage counselling?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2017 22:20

What he did to you was horrifying, and I can't believe you can even stand the sight of him. He CLEARLY tried to take advantage of you whilst you were in a drunken state. He is not to be trusted.

sycamoresally · 12/07/2017 22:21

Christ that's not right.

I hope you're ok.

Sangriasally86 · 12/07/2017 22:22

YADNBU. I would feel very uneasy about continuing a relationship with someone like that. 5 or 6 times is WAY too many times to have to tell someone no, especially as you've said in the past you're not up for this kind of thing. As DrHorrible says, I would also suggest some sort of counseling, mainly so he can see how not ok this is and be told by a third person. That's if you're interested in saving the relationship. Otherwise get the hell out.

PidgeonSpray · 12/07/2017 22:23

That sounds terrible.

He doesn't respect you.

Please leave him.

Somerville · 12/07/2017 22:24

Of course it's bothering you - your husband raped you.

It's not your fault.

You could phone the police. That might feel too big a step right now, I'm guessing? Can you confide in someone in the first instance? Or you could contact Rape Crisis or Women's Aid.

Your marriage isn't retrievable - you're not safe. And no decent marriage counsellor would offer couples therapy to you - it's not recommended where there is abuse, and this was awful
abuse.

Again, it's not your fault.

AntagonyAunt · 12/07/2017 22:26

Sorry this happened to you. Him being very drunk is no excuse. I don't think you should be focusing on trying to put it out of your mind.

HumpHumpWhale · 12/07/2017 22:27

He raped you. You are not being unreasonable.

Original poster
embarrassednamechanged · 12/07/2017 22:30

I really don't think he realised what he was doing. He certainly didn't understand why I was so upset. He'd be mortified if he thought he'd assaulted me and he'd definitely think I was being ridiculous if I suggested it. I'm just struggling a bit to process it and can't work out if I'm being a bit ridiculous, doesn't sound like I am though.

OP posts:
Sangriasally86 · 12/07/2017 22:32

No you are not being ridiculous and please don't let him feel that you are. If he implies you are overreacting then it's just another way that he's not respecting your feelings.

I wouldn't normally say LTB unless there's good reason, but I would 100% walk out on someone that did this to me. I could never trust him again.

dollydaydream114 · 12/07/2017 22:40

I really don't think he realised what he was doing. He certainly didn't understand why I was so upset.

OK, stop there.

If he 'doesn't realise' that he was doing anything wrong by trying to forcibly penetrate you in a way you have told him you wait and which you told him 5 or 6 times to stop doing, and then tells you that you are making a fuss about nothing, this is a MAJOR problem.

He has raped you and he knows it and now he is gaslighting you in the cruellest possible way. I'm so sorry, but this is how it is.

I sympathise greatly because this exact scenario once happened to me. I was young at the time and was so confused and my ex was so manipulative that I didn't do anything about it. But now I know the score.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2017 22:45

Are you really saying he didn't realize he was trying to shove his penis into your anus? And didn't realize he spit on you to lubricate? And then he called you dramatic for being upset. And you accept that he has the balls to say YOU are being ridiculous?? Your husband is a fucking creep.

user1497455653 · 12/07/2017 22:47

I'm in no position to give relationship advice. I'm a walking hazard but here's a cyber hug. I know how hard it is trying to process emotions that you're not sure you're even allowed to have... x

AntagonyAunt · 12/07/2017 22:48

The reason you are still thinking about it is because it IS a big deal op. Please don't try to downplay it to yourself.

PoorYorick · 12/07/2017 22:49

That was attempted rape at the very least. You clearly told him to stop and you shouldn't have needed to, since he already knew it was a hard limit for you.

You know how everyone says you're most likely to be raped by someone you know, and that women usually don't report it because they're scared to make a fuss and he's such a lovely person usually and all that? This is exactly what they're talking about. This is what rape looks like, more often than not.

I really don't think he realised what he was doing.

Don't you? You'd already set it as a hard limit and he didn't stop after several clear refusals. Is he deaf or terminally stupid?

He knew exactly what he was doing, though he would probably deny it was rape because, like you, he's been brought up in a culture where women's right to say no is constantly eroded and rape in its most common form is trivialised and downplayed.

Do NOT underestimate the seriousness of this. You are not crazy. The reason you can't get over it is because he attempted to rape you, in fact arguably did since there was some degree of penetration.

It is 100% not your fault, you are 100% right to feel as you do and while it has to be your decision, I really hope to God you report him to the police.

supersop60 · 12/07/2017 22:50

I honestly think that some of these men who want anal should try being penetrated first. (I know - this could go in a whole other direction)
My DP asked for it several years ago, and I told him I'd tried it and it was awful.
OP, your dh totally ignored/ disrespected your wishes over something very important. I'm not surprised it still bothers you. I don't have any suggestions I'm afraid - waiting for the wise Mnetters to show up.

mogulfield · 12/07/2017 22:53

When you said no what did he do? Did he do or say anything?

SabineUndine · 12/07/2017 22:53

If he didn't understand why you were so upset, there's something wrong with him. That is assault. You were very clear you told him to stop and he ignored you. I would say he's pretending not to understand why you're upset too, in the hope you'll forget about it. 💐

Original poster
embarrassednamechanged · 12/07/2017 22:54

Don't really want to talk to anyone irl as it's just embarrassing and I don't want people thinking badly of dh (yes I know!). I really don't think he'll try it again. I also don't really want him anywhere near me, we're not very physical though so that's not much of a problem. Don't know if I'm brave enough to walk away.

OP posts:
TeatimeForTheSoul · 12/07/2017 22:55

OP I'm sending you a big motherly hug

You say DH didn't realise what he was doing. It seems he understood where he was penetrating you as he tried to lubricate. Also, if he had succeeded further do you think he would have continued? Would you ever try and penetrate him anally, drunk or not, if you knew he didn't want it?

What he did was wrong. It sounds like he needs to understand this. Is there anyone in real life who could support you? If not could you use the cup of tea analogy? (brilliant consent ad recently) Try and force a drink/food on him that he doesn't like then explain to him that he penetrate you without consent!!!!

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 12/07/2017 22:56

I am so sorry this happened to you. He raped you.
I am a medic who has previously worked with the police and this would be considered a very serious sexual assault.

Can you access your GP easily? Mental health services are a hot mess at the moment but I think you should ask for a referral for crisis counselling.

If you are brave enough to broach the topic with him or it comes up in an argument and he brushes you off - ask him what he would think if someone else did this to you, or if someone did it to a woman in the street. It doesn't matter where it was, it was rape.

How do you feel about leaving him? What's your set up at home?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 12/07/2017 22:57

Oh he gets it alright, believe me. You say he's often persistent with sex? He pushed his luck and thought he'd get away with it, presumably because you'd been drinking so thought your inhibitions would be lower. You're then (understandably) upset by his behaviour and he's twisting it to make it seem like you're "overreacting". You are really, really not. He sexually assaulted you. And like many, many other women (myself included, in the past) you are making excuses for him. I'm not having a go at you at all btw. But this is what creeps like this do.

Get the fuck away from him. He will most likely try this again.