To think no wedding list=no present

[Bostin]

AIBU to think that if you do not provide a wedding list or include a request for cash as you have already set up home (as most couples these days) or even a dodgy poem then you are not expecting to be bought a gift or given a sum of money?

YABU. It is exceptionally rude to turn up to a wedding without a gift.

Last wedding I attended was a couple who had been living together. No list, no cash requested but I gave them a £50 John Lewis voucher as I know there were planning to re do the kitchen.

As the bride you do not expect a gift.
As a guest you do not attend without bring a gift.

Anything else is madness.

I got married in Scotland in the 80's. No gift lists, requests for money or poems. Also thank you letters obligatory no matter how small the gift.
I think that's the right way. (I would have liked to have had a lovely JL gift list though)

So what do you do if you are getting married and really, really don't want any gifts?

DP & I are getting married next year, second time for me, first for him but we are both middle aged and have a house stuffed full of everything we could ever need (I'm spending far too much time trying to declutter already) and we are not short of cash. The last thing we want is for people to spend money on gifts we don't want or need or have space for when they will already be spending money on coming to the wedding.

Is there any polite way of making it absolutely clear that people shouldn't bring gifts and we will not think it rude that they don't?

Surely unless you are doing the traditional "Mr & Mrs Smith have the pleasure of requesting your company at the marriage of Miss Smith to Mr Jones" type invites (which are vanishingly small these days, in my circle at least), leaving the gift list with the bride's mother to be provided on request is ridiculous. (And why the mother? I know a lot of traditional wedding things rest on rigid gender roles, but surely this is one that we can ditch?)

exexpat - you say on the invite that you don't want gifts and suggest a charity for people to make donations to instead

DP & I are getting married next year, second time for me, first for him but we are both middle aged and have a house stuffed full of everything we could ever need (I'm spending far too much time trying to declutter already) and we are not short of cash. The last thing we want is for people to spend money on gifts we don't want or need or have space for when they will already be spending money on coming to the wedding.
Why don't you just say this with a few alterations?

No gifts, thank you. We have everything we need and simply wish to celebrate with you.. = No gifts.

I would be uncomfortable to turn up at someone's house for a casual meal without bringing some form of gift let alone a wedding.

Married 28 years and still have many of our gifts.

Wedding lists and cash requests are a bit crass and greedy. Absence of both list and money poem doesn't mean no presents. "No gifts please" means no presents.

Yabu

Money poems are a bit tacky I think and not everyone likes them we didn't have one. We didn't have a gift list because we didn't need a list made of up of things we mostly didn't need. Most people brought a gift. Some people didn't. I wasn't bothered but I do think it's a bit rude.

I would never turn up at a wedding without a gift - that's really rude!

However, I felt very uncomfortable including details to a gift list in my wedding invite (10 years ago)...we did say we didn't expect anything etc..I would never ask for money and I find it incredibly rude when people do!!

We didn't mention gifts at our wedding, we didn't 'give to receive' nor did we need or expect anything. We were surprised with some lovely simple gifts.

The only person I ever feel should be obliged to buy me presents is my husband, everyone and everything else is optional.

I've had two weddings. First was a proper do and we didn't say anything about gifts on the invite. About half the guests (80 odd in total) brought something, half didn't. Of the single men there not a single one gave a card or a gift. I think they read it as your OP suggests, no list no gifts.
We got bizarre and amazing things from other people, some of which I treasure despite a nasty divorce since!

We had a lot of people coming from across the country and an equal number of friends happy to lend spare beds, inflatables and sofas to the incomers. This was a massive help and worth more than anything tangible.

At my second wedding it was us and very close family, 12 of us. We then had a small picnic with cake a few weeks later for friends, didn't even consider the issue of gifts as we hadn't invited them to the wedding and EVERYONE turned up with something. And really embarrassingly generous gifts - vouchers, subscriptions, ornaments, champagne. Maybe we're all just older and people are more used to showing up with something. But it stunned me, we didn't host them at a wedding, literally just laid on a light spread and had a boozy afternoon.

No gift list or wanky poem means cash in a card please. They'd get more than the wanky poem senders too

Yes, I do give more to couples without poems and gift lists, too.

The only time I would consider no gift is if it was written on the invite "no gifts please"
Agreed.

Which is why I found it hugely frustrating when I went to a wedding as was told 'no gifts', then I asked about gift cards that would be useful for them and was specifically told they aren't having things only to get to the wedding with a card and they had a gift table.

I'd asked so many times.

I wish more people would do the nothing on the invited but when asked please state a fucking preference thing. Don't state 'we don't want gifts etc' when asked about it because I'm asking so I know your preference. What's wrong with 'no gifts but we would be grateful for something to wars our honeymoon' etc. Simple and polite.

Next time just take a bottle of champagne or wine, or if they're teetotal, slip some cash in the card.

That way, you're not caught out.

...because if they state 'no gifts', it means they don't have a preference, and when you ask about it, they'll say that.

The gift table would've just been all the people who ignored that, and who chose and brought a gift off their own bat, anyway.

I wouldn't pop for a glass of wine at a neighbour's house, to turn up at a wedding without a gift is incredibly bad manners.

YABVVU, then you ask the couple what they would like, or buy them a present

We didn't want gifts because we'd been living together for many years and don't need more 'stuff'. We're lucky enough to be sufficiently well off to host a wedding without needing guests to help fund our party, and indeed if we want a honeymoon then we can afford it without asking our guests to chip in.

Attending weddings is a massive ask, even for our inner city (ie hotels not required) wedding, so we genuinely didn't want people to spend money on our account

We said please no gifts, but if you'd still like to give then a donation to the hospice who cared for my dying mum was our nominated charity

Some people still brought gifts which we were both moved to tears about. We were so touched so many people had got trains to come to our Sunday wedding (Jewish wedding, massively inconvenient time for people!) that we were overwhelmed by those who gave gifts.

We genuinely didn't want anything but I wouldn't do the same with anyone else unless they asked for charity donations. I wouldn't want to be embarrassed by not showing my appreciation with a token gift.

Yabu, the height of stinginess.

expat you need to maybe suggest a charity people might want to donate to in your name. Most people will wants to buy/give something to bride and groom
So you need to provide an alternative or get a load of stuff you don't want