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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no wedding list=no present

104 replies

Bostin · 12/07/2017 04:19

AIBU to think that if you do not provide a wedding list or include a request for cash as you have already set up home (as most couples these days) or even a dodgy poem then you are not expecting to be bought a gift or given a sum of money?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 12/07/2017 07:57

YABVU.

The begging lists & money request types are the unreasonable ones

thethoughtfox · 12/07/2017 07:57

Just cause people are too polite to explicitly ask for a present, doesn't mean it isn't nice to give them one.

RedSkyAtNight · 12/07/2017 07:58

We specifically asked for no gifts at our wedding.
About half the guests still gave us one.

HipsterHunter · 12/07/2017 07:59

Giving a gift for a gifts sake is silly.

People spend enough money going to weddings, it's not like I need anything. I'd much much much rather guests turned up with nothing than some tat that I had to find a home for.

MaudGonneMad · 12/07/2017 08:03

Anyone who goes to a wedding without giving a gift is a tight fecker, unless they've been explicitly asked not to. It's the height of bad manners.

Cantseethewoods · 12/07/2017 08:06

Etiquette dictates that gift lists are not included with the invitation and are separately requested by the guests. However, ain't no-one (without staff) got time for that, so these days it is widely acceptable to include the list with the invite. However, no list does not equal no gift, unless there is a note to that effect or "no gifts" written on the invitation.

Caveat: In some cultures, "No gifts" or especially "No boxed gifts" means "please give cash".

Lovemusic33 · 12/07/2017 08:10

I think they are just being polite not asking for anything. Some people may not be able to afford a gift so there is no pressure for them to do so. I wouldn't expect people to buy me a gift, I wouldn't be disappointed if people didn't get me anything. I'm sure a lot of wedding gifts don't even get used so it's a waste of people's money. I think only close family should buy a gift, if your not close family then I wouldn't worry too much.

newbian · 12/07/2017 08:13

I find it kind of sad that people view wedding lists as "grabby" and "tacky." Aren't most people invited to weddings of family, friends, and loved ones? Is this how you see these people - truly? Or is it just one of these things that's easy to say online. Because I have a hard time looking at my cousin or brother and saying he's "grabby" for wanting some pillows or a food processor rather than random unwanted gifts.

CatRash · 12/07/2017 08:14

I prefer no gift list as find giving cash a lot easier - I went to a wedding last weekend and had forgotten to get any money out ready but it was easy enough to do on the way to the wedding where as buying something from their gift list last minute would have been impossible.

If they've asked for money for the honeymoon (and I'm feeling organised) then I would probably get cash in the currency of wherever they're going.

We always give the same amount depending on if day/evening guests regardless of anything else as find it just makes life easier.

If someone made no mention of gifts I'd still give money - let's face it no-one asks for Christmas, birthday, new baby etc. gifts but you still give them!!

We got married last year and we had several guests who gave us no gift at all - not even a card!!! Pretty much all were single men, although there were also about three couples and at least one single woman if I remember rightly. I must admit I thought it was a bit odd and was worried we'd done something to offend them but at the end of day you don't know people's personal circumstances so can't judge. I don't think of or treat these people any differently and would still give them a gift if they got married.

alittlequinnie · 12/07/2017 08:14

When I got married nearly 10 years ago I put "no wedding list" on my invites.

If anybody asked what it meant I said "please don't buy us any presents - we don't need anything"

If they pressed I said "no, really we don't want anything but thank you very much for offering"

We still got loads and loads of bottles of champagne and money though! (I liked the money but am teetotal so hubby enjoyed the champagne alone LOL!)

So that's what it means to some people!

paradoxicalInterruption · 12/07/2017 08:16

We specifically said on invite 'no gifts'. Second wedding, living together, etc.

People still bought us gifts, quite a few bottles of champagne, as they didn't want to turn up empty handed. Had almost a stand up row with a friend, in a very British way, as she insisted that there had to be gifts!

Take a gift unless you are specifically requested not to.

Lillygreen · 12/07/2017 08:17

Always turn up with a gift. It's very rude not to. Even a small token gift if you don't know what to get/can't afford anything.
Not having a list is normal- it doesn't mean they don't want a gift Smile

Shiftymake · 12/07/2017 08:22

Never crossed my mind to not bring a gift if there was no list attached. The only time I would consider no gift is if it was written on the invite "no gifts please".

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 12/07/2017 08:26

YABU. You don't show up to a wedding without a gift. I like when there isn't a list as then I can actually use my imagination and work to a budget I'm uncomfortable with. I loathe the money poem and I'm always tempted to buy something instead.

YesILikeItToo · 12/07/2017 08:32

I've only seen a list once, and I've given plenty of gifts. Most of the weddings I've been to have been of close friends, not sure what I'd buy people I knew less well. We didn't have a list, although I primed my mother with a couple of ideas, and two or three of those were used by people who had called her. DH also encouraged a group of his friends to club together for something we really needed/wanted.

bluehairdryer · 12/07/2017 08:52

I didn't do a gift list, or ask for money.

99% of guests brought one or the other.

Think that's your answer.

I think it's really cheeky in this day and age to specifically ask for things.

I tend to ignore gift lists and money requests. I do always take one or the other I would never go empty handed but I either buy a gift I can afford at that time or put money/voucher in to an amount I can afford.

Ginslinger · 12/07/2017 08:57

I suppose the whole thing of wedding gifts was to help people set up their homes but now a lot of people have been happily living together for years and have their home set up so I would tend to go for neutral gifts like John Lewis vouchers which can be used for anything - I wouldn't not give a gift if I was invited to a wedding.

OrangeFluff · 12/07/2017 09:00

I've never been to a wedding empty handed, gift list or not. I usually just put money in the card. I'd feel awkward otherwise!

Ameliablue · 12/07/2017 09:02

I think they'd not necessarily want or expect anything but don't mind but very few people would actually go to a wedding empty handed. If people really don't want anything, they are more likely to state it explicitly or suggest donations to a favour charity instead.

Captainj1 · 12/07/2017 09:12

I agree with Bostin based on my own wedding. We didn't mention gifts and didn't need or expect anything. IMO it is already asking a lot for people to travel and buy an outfit etc. I didn't tick the presents off against the guests, so I have no idea how many did or didn't give something, but I know a fair few didn't and it didnt bother me in the slightest, the only thing important to me was that they came.

ImogenTubbs · 12/07/2017 09:12

I'm unpopular on Mumsnet because I did ask for money (well, we said no gifts were expected but if people wanted to then they could pay for a honeymoon 'experience' which included things like a round of drinks at a certain bar for £2.50, and charity donations as well as more expensive activities). The reason I did this was precisely to avoid this kind of confusion. Most people I know IRL want to buy the couple a gift and they want some guidance so they're not getting loads of stuff the bride and groom really don't want. Or to have to deal with loads of messages and emails from the guests asking if there's anything in particular you want. I agree wedding lists can cross the line into graspy and I would never dream of expecting or demanding a gift, but this situation is for me why wedding lists exist!

Yes OP, YWBU not to get them something - just get a bottle of champagne if you're not sure (assuming they're not teetotal!)

emmyrose2000 · 12/07/2017 09:13

It'd be very rude to not take a present to a wedding.

I think gift registries, requests for money/wishing wells etc are extremely rude and tacky. I've only ever received one wedding invitation with a request for anything, and thought it was so rude. Not surprisingly, they weren't polite enough to thank people for their gifts either.

It wouldn't occur to me that no gift list = no present. It'd just mean the bridal couple have some class.

TheDowagerCuntess · 12/07/2017 09:56

We said 'no gifts' and meant it, but most people still gave us something. I know it's considered helpful to specify to wedding guests (no other type of guests, notably) what you'd like, but asking for presents is anathema to me.

I wouldn't turn up to a wedding empty handed, so I realise the double standard, but there you go.

Cutesbabasmummy · 12/07/2017 10:11

I would always take something as a gift. It's just polite.

BeepBeepMOVE · 12/07/2017 10:30

YABU!

Who turns up to a wedding empty handed?! If someone did that in my circle they'd never be seen again, how rude!