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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no wedding list=no present

104 replies

Bostin · 12/07/2017 04:19

AIBU to think that if you do not provide a wedding list or include a request for cash as you have already set up home (as most couples these days) or even a dodgy poem then you are not expecting to be bought a gift or given a sum of money?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 12/07/2017 05:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/07/2017 05:37

Are you saying you had guests, who came, accepted your hospitality and gave you nothing? Shock. I understand not everyone has the means to give a high value item or cash. Most people - although not all can spare £10 for a token gift.

Llamabrain · 12/07/2017 05:37

How lovely to not have a gift list! I imagine that they would be happy with a card, but if you can afford to give a gift or some cash then wouldn't it be more appreciated as they haven't expected anything? I think its an opportunity to give something more personal that they will remember you by.

Hmmalittlefishy · 12/07/2017 07:08

Me too bored.
We had a gift list but did say we didn't expect gifts but it was more of an ideas. I much prefer it when wedding invites include lists or voucher/money requests so I know what the bride and groom actually want rather than trying to find something to suit them and getting wrong. I don't always use the list especially if it's a close friend and will choose something personal but I would always turn up to a wedding or birthday party with a gift. It's just good manners

RadioGaGoo · 12/07/2017 07:11

I LOVE a gift list, especially the department store ones. Life can be really hectic and you know you are spending your money on something the couple truly want.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 12/07/2017 07:17

No it means they aren't rude. It's rude to ask for gifts and it's rude to attend anything - not just a wedding, anything, with no gift. You don't arrive to a child's birthday party, a dinner party, even fecking tea in someone's house means you bring biscuits, you always thank your hosts with a gift, simples.

MaisyPops · 12/07/2017 07:18

Personally, I would rather be told either by invite or in person. I find the millions of unwritten rules confusing.

E.g. I went to a wedding years back where I asked about the registry & was told they didn't have one because they were having no gifts. So I asked which store they'd like a gift card for or if they had a honeymoon fund. Again, was told they didn't and were telling people not to do anything for them.
So I brought a card because they'd repeatedly said they were telling people not to do anything (and I thought it would be rude to ask and then ignore their wishes)

Then I felt awkward because I'd respected their (declared) wishes but there was a gift table.

I'd have much preferred it if when I'd asked they'd said "that would be lovely" to one of the things I asked.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 12/07/2017 07:18

But I will say that I am in Ireland and gift lists and cash poems are just not done here

ladymarian · 12/07/2017 07:18

We're going to a wedding next weekend and no gift list has been mentioned. Second marriage for both bride and groom if that's relevant. DH asked the groom (his friend) for ideas and he suggested gift vouchers if we wanted to give a gift so that's what we're giving. I would never never accept a wedding invitation without giving a gift!

When I got married, we had a gift list but I was adamant that I wasn't going to put it in the invitation so if people asked I gave them the details.

burnoutbabe · 12/07/2017 07:22

with most gift lists, the couples say "we just want your presences. not your presents" - and then ruin it by saying "BUT IF YOU WANT to, give us cash" so clearly they want cash as a gift.

If you want nothing, you maybe mention a charity donation, or make it something like "bring a funny pic of us in the past/an old book that means something" ie a small cheap thing to show you really have no expectations.

If people marry abroad and guests have to pay a lot to attend, then often no gifts are expected anyway.

Autofillcontact · 12/07/2017 07:24

I'm shocked at this idea. We didn't have a gift list as we thought they were cheeky (many years ago, they were viewed a bit like asking for cash is now)

Why would you not buy a gift? Loads of people don't have lists!

XiCi · 12/07/2017 07:28

I can't imagine anyone would turn up at a wedding without a gift of some sort. Astoundingly rude to attend a wedding and bring nothing.

Cailleach666 · 12/07/2017 07:30

I think it's vulgar to provide a list and crass to ask for money.

I would always bring to a wedding, never something from their list, and certainly not money if it was asked for.
Although I am happy to give a cash gift.

Ginandplatonic · 12/07/2017 07:33

I've never seen or heard of anyone going to a wedding without a gift, gift list or no. I am in Australia, but have also been to weddings in the UK.

We didn't have a gift list as I find them a bit tacky, but everyone brought a gift.

Ginandplatonic · 12/07/2017 07:34

And asking for money isn't as much of a thing here - certainly not with a tacky poem. Not among people I know anyway.

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 12/07/2017 07:34

We didn't have a gift list and didn't receive any gifts.

newbian · 12/07/2017 07:35

I don't get the logic of

  • as the couple getting married it's rude to have a list or ask for gifts
  • as a wedding guest it's rude not to bring a gift

Either gift giving/receiving is part of the wedding tradition, or it isn't. I much prefer guidance from the couple on what they want or need via a list, than to just guess. The idea that acknowledging the reality that people want to and plan to give gifts is rude - sorry I don't accept that. Etiquette rules for people who don't live in the real world.

fuckwitery · 12/07/2017 07:37

I'm from a very U family and set of old friends. All had lists prepared for my mother to send when asked. Everyone at one couple asked. Cash? No. Blurgh.

fuckwitery · 12/07/2017 07:38

Sorry too tired to type this morning.

Whocansay · 12/07/2017 07:39

I would never go to any kind of celebration empty handed. It's just rude. Taking a nice bottle of wine or box of chocolates is not exactly a hardship surely?

Saying that, we didn't ask for gifts as our wedding was a long journey for most people and thought it would be taking the piss (in the UK, mind you, not Maui!). We got gifts or money anyway, which we were delighted by, but did not expect. Our friends and family are clearly fabulous!

SandyDenny · 12/07/2017 07:41

I think unless the invitation specifically says no gifts you should at least turn up with a bottle of bubbly to a wedding

MsAwesomeDragon · 12/07/2017 07:41

We specifically asked people NOT to give us presents, we didn't need anything and it was a small, cheap and cheerful event. We ended up with more presents than people! And people were so generous that we made a profit on the day!

We were rather surprised by that

TheStoic · 12/07/2017 07:47

The only time you don't give a gift at a wedding is if the couple have specifically asked everyone not to.

StickThatInYourPipe · 12/07/2017 07:56

I used to think gift lists were quite grabby and tacky, however following multiple weddings over the last few years I have massively changed my mind!

It's so much easier when the couple gives a list as you know you are getting them something they actually want. I hate giving cash as i never know how much to put in!

Lucisky · 12/07/2017 07:57

I detest wedding lists - I see them as grasping, and I can remember, when I was of an age when my contempories were getting hitched, the mounting horror of looking at the 'list' and realising that everything was expensive, and I was always broke. You ended up looking for the cheaper items, which were things you really didn't want to buy (not YOUR choice) as they seemed so impersonal.
Yes, you should always take a gift. For people who have everything, I usually give champagne - well it's what I would like anyway (hic).