To think I am stuck in abusive marriage

[applesandcinnamon]

Ok, dramatic title.

Here are the main issues:

• he won't let me work (I have tried and even managed to get jobs, some quite badly paid, but in the end keeping them has proved impossible as he throws so many barriers in my way)

• he is sexually absuive towards me, I won't go into details

• he puts me down constantly. Says in the morning there is sawdust on the pillow that's fallen out of my brain. This has become a family catchphrase when there is dust anywhere, it 'fell from mummy's head', I don't find it funny. Also insults my weight. I hate myself by now after years of this. Sometimes he complements me but as an insult. Like 'oh you were so pretty back then before you got fat.'

• he gives me a hard time about spending even tiny amounts.

And on and on.

So he also shouts at the children and scares them. They are scared of him but they love him too.

But despite me trying it seems he will get custody of them, EOW and one evening a week for starters.

So I'm stuck? Unless I'm missing something major.

There is every realistic chance he will get bored and not keep up EOW and one night per week. Even if he does they will have you as a strong happy role model and then not sleep walk into replicating your abusive manage.

Fleeing to a refuge is an option and would mean that there will be a period of time when he won't see them...

Leave and don't look back.

You are worth so much more than this.

Surely eow and one night has to be better than this ?

Yes but after that I would still ultimately have to deal with the issue of contact and they would not be safe.

TBH I can see him taking the kids and refusing to hand them back.

You do need to leave.
This all will never get better.

You are looking at the big picture. This is going to hurt but it's the first step to healing. Make each 24 hours your aim. Get through it in little steps.
If you have really worried about their safety you can ask for supervised visitation. You can do this. Your children and you deserve so much more.

You can ask for it but you won't necessarily get it. I really have looked into this.

You are thinking of the worst case scenario.

What you can do is go to the police and report him as emotional and sexual abuse is illegal.

You would be dealing with specially trained police officers who would help you escape safely.

You can contact a local Womans refuge who can also help you escape safely

There are ways out you just need to find the courage to take them.

Please please do not put up with this man. He is damaging your children, this will impact upon them for life.

You can do this

Another option is to contact SS and tell them you are worried about your children. They will be discreet and also give you advice and guidance

SS tend to be about as discrete as a brick but thanks

The abuse is directed at me and unfortunately therefore would not mean his contact with the children would be impaired.

I'm police OP.
Look up 'coercive control', new piece of legislation that covers most of what you are suffering from, not including the sexual abuse which is obviously an offence in its own right.
Call 101 and get an officer to come out to you to do a risk assessment.
You will probably be surprised at how highly you score.
You can and should leave

Thank you. I can't bring myself to involve the police (have had bad experiences in the past) and I have no desire to ruin his life I just don't want mine ruined.

What about your DC in this??

You need to go to a refuge and use the full weight of the law protect your DC - insist on a contact centre due to the risk of kidnap etc.

Why do you think it is ok for your DC to suffer horrifically in order to not "ruin" his life?

How do you insist on it though? You can't! Honestly. You can't just say 'in my opinion he is not safe' - they really push contact at you regardless of the risks that YOU can see!

He is ruining your life, OP, and your DCs' too.
Surely you all count for something?

I'd like to think so bu according to the courts he's the only important one.

Please for the sake of your children's s yourself leave this pos. your children will think this is normal behaviour and go on to either be the abuser or become abused. If you report him for sexual abuse he would end up on a sex offenders list if convicted where he wouldn't be allowed contact with under 18 unsupervised, can I ask why you think the courts say he is the important one ?

Because they grant him contact. They see contact with a parent, even an abusive one, as paramount.

I'd never get a conviction against him.

YANBU but it seems like you won't even try to change things for yourself or your children? You seem to have researched it all and have taken every worst case scenario as what will happen to you and the children.
At least speak to women's aid and refuge, many women do get out and have things go in their favour.
This defeatist attitude will keep you and your children prisoner, how can staying be less damaging than leaving?

Are you in the uk ?

Madbum I have spoken to WA; where do you think I'm getting the information from?

Staying can be less damaging than leaving as I intervene when he starts.

Yes, in the u.k.

How old are the kids?

1, 3 and 5.

I honestly didn't know where because I've never known anyone to come away from WA with such a defeatist and resigned attitude, usually there's even the smallest feeling of hope that things could change even in the distant future.
I think you don't want to leave so you're making excuses, to justify staying.