To think I am stuck in abusive marriage

[applesandcinnamon]

Ok, dramatic title.

Here are the main issues:

• he won't let me work (I have tried and even managed to get jobs, some quite badly paid, but in the end keeping them has proved impossible as he throws so many barriers in my way)

• he is sexually absuive towards me, I won't go into details

• he puts me down constantly. Says in the morning there is sawdust on the pillow that's fallen out of my brain. This has become a family catchphrase when there is dust anywhere, it 'fell from mummy's head', I don't find it funny. Also insults my weight. I hate myself by now after years of this. Sometimes he complements me but as an insult. Like 'oh you were so pretty back then before you got fat.'

• he gives me a hard time about spending even tiny amounts.

And on and on.

So he also shouts at the children and scares them. They are scared of him but they love him too.

But despite me trying it seems he will get custody of them, EOW and one evening a week for starters.

So I'm stuck? Unless I'm missing something major.

I'm speaking from experience if you report this the police have to take it seriously if you have any evidence even the children saying how he behaves will all go towards a conviction, then yes social services will get involved but again from my experience one of the first things in the situation they were willing to do was act on my behalf in court for custody. People are not against you here there are so many new laws which aim to convict abusers that are not just violent. I can't help but fee you have already made your kind up that your just going to stay cause it's less hassle, I promise you it's bloody hard for a while but one day you will look back smiling that you were strong and you and your children are happy

madbum, posts like that don't help, I suppose though this is whs I have learned.

People don't believe you, people don't help you and people then turn it all on you and make it YOUR fault.

Stop thinking about 'ruining' his life. You aren't doing anything to his life, he is doing this to himself.
Start thinking about your children - don't they deserve better than this? You think because he doesn't abuse them directly, this is ok? And actually, you say he scares them - this is nor normal, OP, do you realise in a health, loving relationship, children love their dads, they aren't scared of them?
Start thinking about yourself. You are worth more than this. Don't let his abusive behaviour make you shrink any further.
Reach out and accept help. You really can be free of this, you know!

OP I'm unclear what the present situation is. You say you're stuck in the marriage, but you suggest you have already involved the courts in discussions re custody?

If you mean you haven't yet begun the separation process but have been 'researching' it and are anticipating an unfavourable judgment in the family court, can I ask why you think that would be the case?

I can't believe that if you were to present his abusive behaviour towards you alongside his aggressiveness toward the children as evidence against a joint custody arrangement, it would be dismissed out of hand and he be treated as the only important one. What have you looked into that makes you believe this?

Leaving is scary, and leaving an abusive partner is downright dangerous. Your reluctance to take action is totally understandable. But I beg you to reconsider. Once upon a time women had no choice to leave their abusive partners, as they were mere chattels. Within living memory, women ran a serious risk of losing their children if they divorced their abusive husbands. That is not the world we live in now. You have a choice; you have avenues of support; you will be helped and believed. Please don't stay in this marriage, the older and harder to control your children get the more tyrannical he will become. If you have daughter's in particular, living under the influence of an abusive father and soaking up the toxicity of his contempt for you will affect how they form relationships for the rest of their lives.

Never mind your reluctance to ruin his life(although why shouldn't you, the fucker); by doing nothing you run the risk of ruining theirs. It's not your fault; but you can and must do something about it.

I'm trying but I'm afraid the reassurances I get on here re contact aren't matched in the real world.

I have no idead why you are asking for advice as it seems you will not listen , and have researched everything, so what can anyone do to help you
Even advice from the police and you dont want to involve them
How can it be less damaging to stay, rather than go?

OP which real world situations do you mean? Family court cases are decided on a case by case basis, you shouldn't take a few anecdotes as a certain indicator of how your own case would unfold, the circumstances would be different and you will not necessarily have the full story of how judgements were reached.

And people should really haul up off the OP's back. She's scared, and she's miserable, and she's reaching out for help. Scorn and scepticism are a slap in the face she really does not need.

OP I am so sorry that you are going through this. I promise you we're all here to help and support you, and do what we can.

I completely understand that what I'm suggesting will be harder to do than it sounds, so it's just a thought really.

You mention that you feel there's a possibility that your husband might take away your children. Is there a chance that you could leave for a refuge or safe place late at night when your husband is asleep, taking your children with you?

One day, OP, like all of us, you are going to die and you won't get another chance at life. (I hope to God your time here won't be cut short by your arsehole husband.)

Is this the life you want to have lived? Your one and only life that could end at any time? All those precious and finite years down the toilet of a vile, abusive shitrag who doesn't have a clue what a man should be?

Chances are the turd will make a huge song and dance about custody but won't actually do anything.

I am the product of an abusive marriage and I can promise you, as sure as night follows day, that if he abuses you he will abuse them. Because men like that do not see their family as people, just extensions of themselves to be controlled and owned. Although if you have sons, it is possible they will become carbon copies of him if they don't come to blows with him. Seriously, you think he's bad to them now? Wait until they're old enough for critical thinking and answering back. I can still feel my teeth hurt from the punches.

If you won't leave for yourself, leave for THEM because even if he does get and accept some custody, they will still have most of their time away from him, and when they're older they may well choose not to go. Abusive men are never good fathers.

Another one on here to ask if we can pleeease lay off the OP? She is clearly going through a very, very difficult and stressful time

When I chucked my ex out due to a porn addiction which morally (think 'pretend underage') my biggest fear was access. SS were great they assessed and deemed X to be unsafe (DD was 18 months old). He has supervised contact as recommended by them (but my family have to facilitate as we don't meet contact centre criteria ).

No matter how much you intervene your dc's will grow up with fear and walking on egg shells. I'm so sorry and remember feeling so full of fear when I look back now. It was the best decision I could have made in an awful situation.

No one can guarantee you that he will not get a contact order. You are right. However it's not okay for you to live like this. Or for you children to growup in this environment. It sounds horrendous. You cannot know that he will not be convicted of the offences he has committed against you. I would really try to consider a refuge. It affords you and your DCs the maximum protection. I am sorry that someone who is supposed to love and protect you has been so disgusting towards you. I know it's terrifying. You must have part at least that is thinking about leaving - that's why you posted. Please keep listening to that small voice.

I just want to give you a hug. All these idiots confirming ops fears of judgement and blame!!!!
There is no need to ruin his life but you defiantly need to take control of your life, all the ideas that you are to blame and he is better than you are the effects of his abuse on you, you weren't born to lead a miserable life and settle it with such a terrible person. What about your local council go and speak to them and see about getting emergency housing then leave that a-hole that's the first and biggest step ! And beleive me once you have taken it the strength you will feel is exhilarating, then if that "man" wants to take you to court for the children let him and fight him even without a police report they would still consider your fears and the abuse he put onto you. you can do it Hun xxx

I can't bring myself to involve the police (have had bad experiences in the past) and I have no desire to ruin his life I just don't want mine ruined.

He IS ruining your life. As you don't work you're going to need legal aid, so you're going to to have to involve them.

You are stuck in an abusive marriage because you're choosing to stay, you seem to have an excuse for every suggestion given to you. I stayed in an abusive marriage longer than I should have because I was scared of the outcome, and other than initial drama which the police solved, DC nor I have heard from him in years.

Where are your family?

Honestly, OP needs a little more kindness than this.

I don't have any family. People are right, and I shouldn't have posted. It's just hard knowing where to turn.

OP I really don't understand where you are getting your (incorrect) information from? I have worked (in my past role) with women experiencing DV a lot of which have successfully left the abusive partner and gone on to have great lives, it's not a myth! But it sounds like your not ready to make that move yet, how much longer are you going to put up with the abuse? Your kids are young but believe me, you won't be able to hide it from them for long, and I have witnessed the damage abusive relationships of parents has on the kids which can affect them for life, and affect their future relationships negatively. Staying certainly isn't the easier option

*Because they grant him contact. They see contact with a parent, even an abusive one, as paramount.

I'd never get a conviction against him.*

OP unfortunately I believe you are correct on this point. Having been through the court process and access issues myself, it is stunningly rare for access not to be granted to a parent.

I understand your concerns and wish you well.

Thank you owl this echoes the information I have had from a number of domestic violence specialists too.

of course you should of posted the majority of people on this site want to support and help people the minority that don't think how the negative comments have a big defect on people are the ones who shouldn't post. Listen my lovely even with all the support you are the only one who can do this, it won't be easy but it will be worth it I just hope you find the strength to do what's is best for you and your children.

I would go with Washing Matilda's advice - get a risk assessment done, report him for sexual abuse, then up with your kids and off to a shelter. Men like this only get worse, I think you know that. And there will also come a time when stepping in to stop his abuse of your children won't be possible. Their lives, damaged before they even properly begin. You say you don't want to ruin his life, but if not for yourself then for your kids sake you need to get heard by the right people who can actually help. You don't know what the outcome will be - after a risk assessment and charges brought against him, he may get some access, sure, but with a SS chaperone. He may get none at all. You have to try. Do you have any friends or family who can help to support you emotionally through this? It's an awful situation, but not hopeless. I really hope that things work out ok for you OP, and your little ones.

OP, I'm very sorry if my post made you feel worse. It wasn't my intention. If it seemed angry or salty on any level, that is ALL directed at your shitty husband and none on you. There are just so many threads like this and it breaks my heart to think of all those women with so much love and goodness being exploited and abused by all these shits.

OP - where would you like to be in 2 or 3 years time? In an ideal world, of course!

I think others are trying to help, as the picture you have painted is pretty dire for you and the kids. There is a huge, HUGE amount of kindness and knowledge on MN with people having experienced similar situations and have come out the other side.

If he is sexually abusing you, then he is capable of doing it to the children. Please contact the police and don't go away, it's just frustrating and upsetting for people to read these posts. Imagine watching a scary film and you're begging the hero not to go around a corner or into the dark where a monster lurks, we're the viewer - everyone just wants you to RUN! Every person reading your OP wants you and your children to be safe from harm. If you still can't leave, please try to at least document the abuse. It WILL have an impact in court and relating to contact.