To think I am stuck in abusive marriage

[applesandcinnamon]

Ok, dramatic title.

Here are the main issues:

• he won't let me work (I have tried and even managed to get jobs, some quite badly paid, but in the end keeping them has proved impossible as he throws so many barriers in my way)

• he is sexually absuive towards me, I won't go into details

• he puts me down constantly. Says in the morning there is sawdust on the pillow that's fallen out of my brain. This has become a family catchphrase when there is dust anywhere, it 'fell from mummy's head', I don't find it funny. Also insults my weight. I hate myself by now after years of this. Sometimes he complements me but as an insult. Like 'oh you were so pretty back then before you got fat.'

• he gives me a hard time about spending even tiny amounts.

And on and on.

So he also shouts at the children and scares them. They are scared of him but they love him too.

But despite me trying it seems he will get custody of them, EOW and one evening a week for starters.

So I'm stuck? Unless I'm missing something major.

I appreciate your replies but let's just leave it. It is what it is.

Forgive me for prying OP and please don't feel obliged to answer but is your DH connected with the police?

No, he isn't connected to the police. He does work somewhere which could put him at an advantage, custody wise though.

It is what it is.

It is changeable. We always have choices.

Another way of looking at that is that his abusive actions mean that he should no way be working with anyone vulnerable.

Oh, OP, I wish I could give you a hug. The truth is that support & help & convictions & contact, etc. vary HUGELY. In my case, despite withdrawing my statement within hours, and saying I didn't want my ex to be charged, we got within days of a prosecution, and it was only my repeated & distressed appeals to anyone who would listen that Ex was able to see his children at all, under supervision. I WAS listened to, I WAS taken seriously, my children WERE the paramount issue for all of the various bodies involved.

We were offered a place in a refuge, and I think now I should have taken it, as I would have felt safer and less away from anyone who was trying to convince me that what my ex did wasn't so bad. It would have given me a bit of breathing space.

You don't have to make a decision tonight. But I think you want out, and despite the horror stories, there is support out there for you.

Sweet heart please leave. This is not an existence you need to lead. You were not born to be someone's whipping boy.

Hugs to you OP.
No one here is going to recommend you stay given what you have said but we don't have any power to change your situation so ignore us if you wish to. You however have all the power you need to change this situation-when you are ready to tap into it, you will be able to protect yourself and your babies.
I know you think you are able to intervene every time he is getting abusive to them, but I think you probably know that's not the case (or if it is, it won't be for long).

You do have power. You do have value. You do not need to feel guilty. The things he is doing to you are not your fault. They are not your fault.

Keep thinking, keep reaching out , keep researching . You do what you think is best and keep mulling it over until you are ready to make a decision about your life.
And I know I for one, and probably 1000s of people on here will be rooting for you and cheering you on.

Obviously it is entirely your decision and I am absolutely not advocating your dc have contact with an abusive man but I can't help wonder if it would not be better for them to only have to deal with him EOW instead of all the time as they are now? You don't sound as though you want to separate from him, and although you think that if you do, he will get contact, I just want to say that I really, really hope he doesn't, and I hope whatever happens you and your dc find happiness!

Op you can get a Prohibited Steps Order and a 3 year Non Molestation order without police reports/evidence etc! That means he would have to stay away from you all for 3 years AND the Pro Steps Order would be indefinite. Which means if he ever has unsupervised contact and doesn't return them he can be arrested for kidnap regardless of whether he's on birth certificates. PS Order empowers police to retrieve the children. Best of all, if there is abuse and your OWN, personal income is low then you'll get Legal Aid under the domestic abuse gateway. This can all be done within a week by calling the NCDV

I have been in a similar situation (and still not completely done with the process of leaving but it is underway). I do find the orthodoxy that sometimes gets trotted out on here that if you LTB all will be fine and of course they won't get access to the children if they were abusive etc etc to be naive at best and the "won't you think of your children" bashing annoys me. In my case I followed advice on here to speak to the equivalent of women's aid (in another country) and they really weren't helpful at all (basically asked me what .I wanted to do, I said leave, they said well why don't you, I explained why I couldn't and they said "yes that is difficult you can try relationship counseling instead then ). BUT in the end I did my own risk assessment and basically tried to work out exactly what .I was afraid of happening (both rationally and on a gut level). In my case I concluded that he was unlikely to be a physical threat to the children, not because he was a good person deep down but because he had too much to lose - good job, lots of respect etc. emotionally it was almost guaranteed he would abuse them in terms of badmouthing me, guilt trips etc but then he was already criticizing me to the children, following me around the house calling me a prostitute etc so on balance the emotional damage to them was likely to be less if a left long term since at least then they wouldn't see him criticizing their mother to her face and her just taking it, and I could create a safe space separate to him for them to spend some of their time. It's crap though, because you have to accept that whatever you do their will be some damage to the children and go for the least worse option when if I could I would make their lives perfect. So taking the decision to go meant facing up to failure there. Of course, if you have any suspicion, either on a rational or gut level that he is a physical danger to the children then you have to go to essentially decide to go to war against him. If you can get the money together (even if it means taking 10 pounds cash back every time you do the shopping for the next 20 weeks) and then see a decent solicitor for advice then I would do that as a first step. Women's aid might be able to recommend solicitors used to this stuff. Make a (secret) list of everything you are worried about and how you might prevent it and go through it with a solicitor point by point to find out what the best course of action is for every eventuality and go from there...

As a first step, document everything. Date/time/act. Start making a case.

And financially, start building up an escape fund. Any way of doing it, odd money, cash back on shopping. Do find a job and keep it. Withdraw from the marriage just enough to not rock the boat and build your confidence. Keep a phone on you st all times to covertly record or call for help.

There are things you can do from tomorrow morning to rebuild your life, and your kids.

I've never been in a position like yours, thankfully. Clearly, it's very difficult for you and you feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I don't think anyone has been unkind or scornful or 'giving the OP a hard time'. I think actually, everyone cares and wants to help and encourage you. Even if you feel 'it is what it is' (and you know, the truth is, it doesn't need to be) there are always people here to listen and support you. Please don't feel alone.

Thanks flop

Women's aid weren't that helpful really.

I wanted to post something similar to Flop. I found it difficult to express what I was thinking without seeming like I'm minimising your fears about your DC. Nor do I want to suggest you should put them at risk or accept that contact is inevitable.

I completely get where you are coming from. You don't have to be around long on the relationships board to appreciate contact is often an issue post separation.

But some thoughts if your fears are right...

You intervene when he behaves badly with DC - but you cannot stop things happening. The reality of the status quo is that you can't fully protect the DC because you can't control his behaviour. So you aren't comparing "contact" with a perfect current situation. They live with him and his behaviour every day. if you left you would get them out of that for at least the majority of the time.

Are you the best "you" living as you are? Imagine how great a mum you would be living in a tension free, abuse free happy household. A home where you are not disrespected, where you parent as you see fit, where you can create a loving calm environment. If you left you could give your children that happy home for most of the week.

Sometimes when dads only see their children every other weekend the children get the best of dad. The time is novel - without the daily grind, might he be able to muster up a decent stab at parenting every other weekend? Might there be less cause for him to be impatient, snappy, angry etc.

Perhaps you can't stop contact but can you do enough that he might be more concious of how he parents? If he knows going to court is a possibility, that you have spoken to a solicitor or any other professional about his behaviour and your concerns, might he realise that needs to keep his issues in check with DC?

If you left there are people you could look to for support, eg, nursery staff or school will take it seriously if you say to them that DC are going through huge upheaval, can they keep an eye on behaviour etc. Then there would be others who are looking out for their well-being.

Just some things to think about. I know how it is to feel stuck. A year ago I had a user name with "stuck" in it. I wasn't though. Maybe there are other people to talk to? Perhaps WA again. Or your local domestic violence organisation? Or take up free initial meeting with family solicitors? You've started questioning it, keep thinking and keep talking.

OP...Yes more than likely he would get EOW + contact, as there doesn't seem a reason not to.

But please think of it like this.....it's not everyday contact like he currently has

It's not good enough. I promised to keep them safe and I will.

If you feel that way about the risk he poses, don't give up.

Can you break down what the risk is to DC?
You feel there is no way you can allow contact - were you specific with WA about those fears? I'm wondering if they had all the information when they gave you advice. They would not mind you calling again. Quite the opposite. You might speak to someone you find more helpful this time.

Can you get some more information about your options? Speak to a solicitor? My free "half hour" was much much longer. I had excellent detailed advice.

You sound resourceful and like you have put thought into this.
Have you done all the exploring that you possibly can?

'I promised to keep them safe and I will'

By staying with him you are doing anything but.