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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious for being called out for menstruating at work?

559 replies

Snuffalo · 11/07/2017 15:04

Having horrible menstrual cramps, naproxen isn’t touching it, and I remember I have a hot water bottle in my desk drawer - I used it all winter in my freezing office, and a few other people, male and female, have one as well - we have a rule against personal space heaters so it can be nice to have under your desk next to your feet.

Anyway. I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work. My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” I say “um, no, just for the pain relief”. He looks confused and then literally horrified and then he walks away.

Less than ten minutes later, I get a Slack message from one of the HR admins (HR is based in another office a few hours away) to say “Guy says you’re not well and should go home, everything OK?”

I say “I’m fine, this is sort of weird, he just looked a bit shocked that I had a hot water bottle, I’ve got cramps, you know how it is.”

She goes silent and then offline completely, ten more minutes later, the HR Director calls me and asks me if I can find a meeting room, which I do. She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable. I’m literally shocked, I explain exactly what happened, she says “yes I understand, if you’re so unwell you need a hot water bottle you should be home, Guy is extremely uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional”. I say “this is weird, ok, anything else”? She’s quite breezy and professional - “No, that’s all, if you’re feeling better that’s great but if you need to, please do go home, OK bye!"

I’m just completely flabbergasted. Especially considering that Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems - which seems to me both unprofessional and likely to make people uncomfortable, not that I really cared personally. I wouldn’t have had my hot water bottle in a client meeting or even if clients were in the office.

Other people have standing desks, weird foot rests, all kinds of chairs and special backrests for their back pain and wrist braces for their wrist pain and a hundred other things and I’m not allowed to have a hot water bottle for my menstrual cramps? Am I right to be completely fucking furious?

*I normally have no problem with Guy, we don’t work closely, no one else does what I do at work but he comes closest and he does my nominal (and always positive) performance reviews and signs off on my holiday.

OP posts:
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Topseyt · 11/07/2017 17:54

Of course he had other options, namely to mind his own sodding business.

I always take the view that if someone wants me to know something they will tell me. If they don't, they won't.

elfycat · 11/07/2017 17:54

I'd counter complain about how embarrassed you were by the question and tried to deflect the answer a bit. Then when HR fucked up called you into the meeting you were further horrified and embarrassed. But on reflection it's just a normal biological function and not you are upset and angry for being to made to feel that there's something wrong with it all. What century are we in anyway?

I work in a high school and I am 'the lady with the 'things'' in her drawer. Sometimes if there are boys around a girl will try to surreptitiously take sanitary products away in a bag. Must most often girls wander in and loudly proclaim that they've started their period and do I have a towel/tampon. I have never yet had a boy faint. Don't despair for the next generation yet!

elfycat · 11/07/2017 17:55

*but most often...

IloveBanff · 11/07/2017 17:56

coddiwomple why are you disregarding the other things the HR director said? It's in the same paragraph of the OP as "if you need to, please do go home" and was very critical of the OP, calling her unprofessional and saying she "shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable."

onceandneveragain · 11/07/2017 17:57

personally I would find it hard to give Guy the benefit of the doubt. Even if he did feel bad for you being in pain - you are a grown woman holding down a job. It is for you to decide when and where you are ill enough to go home. He didn't find you crying in the toilets - you were subtly holding a pain relieving mechanism and carrying on with your work as normal. Would he feel similarly entitled to go to HR if a fellow middle aged man was having a stomach issue in the toilet, or taking paracetemol at the desk?

Him holding a meeting lying flat on his back is fucking weird and unprofessional, and much less discreet than a hot water bottle on your lap!

However the majority of my rage would be saved for HR who couldn't have addressed this more incorrectly if they tried. They should be shit hot on discrimination ffs - i.e. on how to prevent it not on exacerbating it!

For those pps wondering why it isn't a good thing that companies recognise period pain and let women go home if suffering from it - a) OP was the only person capable of deciding if her pain was annoying, but moderate and if she was okay to work or needed to go home, and b) sounds great in theory to be allowed to leave, but you bet the same HR would be pulling her up if she did it every month, and that she would be disciplined/penalised for having x amount of absences in a short space of time.

Topseyt · 11/07/2017 17:57

They didn't just say go home if you need to. They said that it was unprofessional and making Guy uncomfortable. They got OP into a meeting room to do that. Not so much of a jump from that to feel like a disciplinary procedure.

knockedover · 11/07/2017 18:07

Men should take a Vagina Proficiency Test, if you can't deal with how it works, you're not allowed in.
-Bonus points available for acing the oral sectionGrin

IloveBanff · 11/07/2017 18:10

The OP was not unprofessional at all because she was quietly getting on with her work. It was Guy who asked her about the hot water bottle and she just said pain relief. How the hell that justifies Guy being horrified and going straight to HR and then the director of HR calling OP to a meeting, to say she is unprofessional, I don't know.

SpottedGingham · 11/07/2017 18:17

Guy made OP uncomfortable by disclosing the fact that she is menstruating to anyone.
None of his business, even if he suspected that she is. HR then took it way out of line.
I would be putting a grievance in pronto that Guy caused me severe embarrassment and humiliation at work because of something that happens due to my sex.

coddiwomple · 11/07/2017 18:19

IloveBanff I never said I agree with HR!
However stating that someone is "uncomfortable" means nothing. I would be uncomfortable to see a colleague in pain, because of a vasectomy, period pain or stabbing themselves in the hand whilst cooking diner. I can't discuss medical details, so I would refer to HR too! So many posters would be screaming and be mortally offended dare asking them if they were ok when the subject of menstrual pain comes about. HR all the way. They just happen to be crap.

They did send OP in a meeting room to discuss private medical issues, and they were completely right to do so! I don't agree with any of the rest, and even blaming Guy is unacceptable.

If you feel that it's a disciplinary procedure because you are sent to a private room, you do need to grow up a bit.

STRONGandSTABLE · 11/07/2017 18:20

Having a period is not the same as 'having medical problems'.

coddiwomple · 11/07/2017 18:21

No one said the OP was unprofessional btw!

this sort of nonsense I would be putting a grievance in pronto that Guy caused me severe embarrassment and humiliation at work because of something that happens due to my sex is exactly why he was right to contact HR. Not his fault what happened next. Imagine the embarrassment and humiliation if the poor man had dare asking "are you ok" "do you need to go home".

endelessworries · 11/07/2017 18:22

Going against the grain but maybe Guy thought you really were feeling unwell? I suffer from really bad cramps and once my boss -who is a gentleman- said that I could go home if I wished to.

endelessworries · 11/07/2017 18:23

And btw OP strong medication doesn't sort you out but a bag with hot water does? Lucky you!

endelessworries · 11/07/2017 18:27

And one extra thing: depending on the policies of the firm you work your manager has a duty of making sure you are not working during a "illness" or similar (like severe pain) so maybe he was covering himself. Im not saying that's you but there's plenty of people out there that claim to work "even when they are ill"

JamesSpaderMadeMeDoIt · 11/07/2017 18:27

Guy and HR are a right shower of shite.

So sorry for you OP. YANBU

X x

AufderAutobahn · 11/07/2017 18:29

So according to your HR it's only unprofessional if it's womens problems. FGS. Why did Guy think it was anyone else's business? And lying on his back in client meetings?!?! That's fucking absurd!

CherriesInTheSnow · 11/07/2017 18:29

Is it really normal for a male to be so horrified and uncomfortable due to a menstruating woman?

I have phoned in sick because of bad menstrual cramps, to my male manager, who was perfectly understanding. I have also had a different manager drive me to A and E in the early weeks of my pregnancy after I explained to him that I was having some spotting and was worried about it.

I can't really get my head around having sympathy for the manager in this situation, far from OP being "unprofessional" (that made my blood boil to read!) I find it highly unprofessional that both a line manager and HR staff could not cope with the idea that OP was feeling poorly because of something caused solely by her female anatomy.

Ridiculous Angry OP I am angry on your behalf and I hope you go for and get an apology from HR, regardless of whether you talk to your line manager. Had you been feeling pain for any other reason, I am sure no one would have claimed that your were unprofessional for sharing it. What a joke.

DeadGood · 11/07/2017 18:34

"Imagine the embarrassment and humiliation if the poor man had dare asking "are you ok" "do you need to go home".

coddiwomple you are coming across so badly on this thread. Seriously - what are you talking about?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/07/2017 18:37

I think Guy was probably clumsily trying to do the right thing but HR screwed up spectacularly. They didn't think through the implications of what they said.
The same way I got told that my holiday could only be taken pro rata before I went on maternity leave. To which I asked does my holiday entitlement accrue during ML - Yes. If I wasn't pregnant could I take all my leave in the first few months of the year - Yes. So you are changing my holiday entitlement/usage solely because I am pregnant and will be going on ML at some point - err let me check...
(Funnily enough that practice stopped within minutes of our conversation)

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 11/07/2017 18:50

Bloody hell! (aha)

It is 2017, isn't it? I'd hate to think I'd accidentally wandered into the 1940s. How would I be typing this?! Anyway...

I would complain about HR. Not that you'll get anywhere, but I'd do it as a matter of principle. You don't deserve to be spoken to or treated like that. For utter fuckingy fuck's sake.

AufderAutobahn · 11/07/2017 18:54

Rereading the OP, it sounds like Guy would ordinarily mind his own business and be professional, but when he realised it was female-related his brain went into panic mode and he overreacted. HR were being ridiculous. You have proof that they are less strict about other, more 'manly' problems (Guy's back issues) and I'm pretty sure you have a case against them for discrimination.

VestalVirgin · 11/07/2017 18:54

How was Guy trying to do the right thing? Confused

The only way he could look innocent in this scenario is if he had no clue at all about menstruations and thought OP suffered some horrible illness but was too stubborn to go home.

Get yourself a bell & start ringing it as you walk round the office shouting 'UNCLEAN!'

I would never dare do this, but I hope someone does. And someone else films it. Grin

VelvetSpoon · 11/07/2017 19:03

OP, this is awful. How utterly ridiculous of your colleagues.

I keep a hot water bottle in work for when it's cold, for menstrual cramps and also as it can relieve some of my ongoing gallstone pain.

Anyone who wants to interfere with my use of said hot water bottle can frankly go fuck themselves.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 11/07/2017 19:11

Ah I can kinda imagine an awkward Guy not knowing what to do when encountering a woman in pain. I'm erring on the side that he really meant well. I think he was trying to be helpful - he saw someone in pain and panicked about what to do - and he did the right thing on paper. He went to hr for advice who then completely ballsed it up.

I would make an official complaint about the hr department. Quite what the hell they think they're playing at I don't know.

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