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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious for being called out for menstruating at work?

559 replies

Snuffalo · 11/07/2017 15:04

Having horrible menstrual cramps, naproxen isn’t touching it, and I remember I have a hot water bottle in my desk drawer - I used it all winter in my freezing office, and a few other people, male and female, have one as well - we have a rule against personal space heaters so it can be nice to have under your desk next to your feet.

Anyway. I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work. My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” I say “um, no, just for the pain relief”. He looks confused and then literally horrified and then he walks away.

Less than ten minutes later, I get a Slack message from one of the HR admins (HR is based in another office a few hours away) to say “Guy says you’re not well and should go home, everything OK?”

I say “I’m fine, this is sort of weird, he just looked a bit shocked that I had a hot water bottle, I’ve got cramps, you know how it is.”

She goes silent and then offline completely, ten more minutes later, the HR Director calls me and asks me if I can find a meeting room, which I do. She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable. I’m literally shocked, I explain exactly what happened, she says “yes I understand, if you’re so unwell you need a hot water bottle you should be home, Guy is extremely uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional”. I say “this is weird, ok, anything else”? She’s quite breezy and professional - “No, that’s all, if you’re feeling better that’s great but if you need to, please do go home, OK bye!"

I’m just completely flabbergasted. Especially considering that Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems - which seems to me both unprofessional and likely to make people uncomfortable, not that I really cared personally. I wouldn’t have had my hot water bottle in a client meeting or even if clients were in the office.

Other people have standing desks, weird foot rests, all kinds of chairs and special backrests for their back pain and wrist braces for their wrist pain and a hundred other things and I’m not allowed to have a hot water bottle for my menstrual cramps? Am I right to be completely fucking furious?

*I normally have no problem with Guy, we don’t work closely, no one else does what I do at work but he comes closest and he does my nominal (and always positive) performance reviews and signs off on my holiday.

OP posts:
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7
EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 11/07/2017 19:16

It is 2017, isn't it? I'd hate to think I'd accidentally wandered into the 1940s.

Yep, 21st century. When there are repeated attempts to ditch sex as a protected characteristic.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 11/07/2017 19:23

He lay on the floor to take a meeting?! WtAf? Bonkers! Think I'd be dropping that one into a conversation with HR!

WinifredAtwellsOtherPiano · 11/07/2017 19:29

Lying on the floor to take a meeting if neither sitting nor standing is feasible sounds like a reasonable adjustment to me. I've had meetings at my boss's house when his back has enabled him to work and make decisions but not to travel. Other colleagues had meetings at his bedside.

SuperPug · 11/07/2017 19:32

I cannot believe that in 2017, HR (and your pathetic colleague) would dare to bring this up as an issue and something he felt uncomfortable about.
I would consider taking it higher. Sounds like HR have too much time on their hands.

SuperPug · 11/07/2017 19:33

But Guy didn't have to run to HR? He could have just asked OP if she was ok?

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/07/2017 19:40

Don't know if it has been asked but
A. How old is Guy
and
B. Has Guy a gf or wife

IloveBanff · 11/07/2017 19:44

OP said Guy "is in his early 50s, single as far as anyone knows"

cdtaylornats · 11/07/2017 19:51

After reading some of the responses if you were on the floor bleeding out of half a dozen bullet wounds I wouldn't bother to ask if you felt unwell.

Guy is not a telepath until he asked he had no idea what was wrong and given that he asked one assumes this is not common behaviour with the OP.

LockedOutOfMN · 11/07/2017 19:52

Both Guy and HR have been entirely unprofessional. OP should lodge complaints.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 11/07/2017 20:00

A male colleague saw me pop a couple of painkillers at my desk last week. "You okay bugger off?" Says he, "nothing that a couple of nurofen and a family size bar of galaxy wont fix" says me. He smiles and walks off before returning with a Galaxy Ripple "not family size but it'll help a bit" he says with a wink. His wife and teenage daughter have him well trained.

There was nothing wrong with Guy asking why you had a water bottle but the. Most he should have said or done when you told him was say "let me know if you need anything" and let you get on. There was no need for HR to be involved and no need for it to be called 'medical'.

youarenotkiddingme · 11/07/2017 20:02

Guy needs to grow the fuck up.

Like I teach my 12yo. If there's a remote chance you won't like the reply to a comment or question then you shouldn't be making it!

IloveBanff · 11/07/2017 20:10

cdtaylornats There was nothing wrong with Guy asking about the hot water bottle. It was his reaction to the OP's very simple and brief reply that it was for pain relief that was so OTT. He looked horrified and then went to HR about it who told the OP she shouldn't be discussing medical issues and it was unprofessional and Guy was very uncomfortable. How is that a reasonable response?

IrritatedUser1960 · 11/07/2017 20:17

I agree with Koala Guy needs to grow the fuck up.
What so we shouldn't ever mention that half the world menstruates it's better to send you home and have an unproductive day instead and lose the company money. Would it be ok if you had bowel cramps or IBS cramps, I'm guessing it would.
He'll want all the women in the office in huts outside during menstruation next.
Wanker.

LinaBl · 11/07/2017 20:19

wow! worst HR ever! Not even worthy of HR professionals name!!

IloveBanff · 11/07/2017 20:23

She could have had aching abdominal muscles from exercising, for all he knew, she didn't mention the reason for the pain. Does he react like that if someone's got a headache or a bad back? Did anyone rush off to HR to complain about feeling uncomfortable when he was lying on the floor during a meeting?

okeydokeygirl · 11/07/2017 20:29

Keep evidence of what has happened. Then from now on phone in sick every month and enjoy extra holiday the sick days. HR clearly think you should stay off work if you have your period! Grin. When you get referred to Occupational Therapy for so many days off sick just tell them that this is what your company have advised as their twattish male employees can't cope with menstruation and you were just following instructions.

Spudlet · 11/07/2017 20:32

Guy was being daft at best. HR were being fucking ridiculous not to tell him so. I would be peeved with Guy (but probably not much more given the extra info provided - he sounds like he's led a sheltered life) but really angry with HR, not because of the period thing per say but for having a pop at you for, in essence, giving a civil answer to a civil question.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 11/07/2017 20:37

I could cut Guy some slack - I worked for years with a brilliant chap a few years older than me who had never as far as i know had a girlfriend, & was distinctly awkward around all female functions. I once practically sent him for the smelling salts after he came round to drop off some stuff when I was on ML, & I bf whichever dc it was as we had a coffee & a chat.

I can completely imagine my 'Guy' seeing me in discomfort with a hot water bottle & thinking 'oh gosh. Poor Crowy! Maybe she's in loads of pain & should go home!' then absolutely freezing in mortification at the thought of having any further conversation with me about aaaargh, women's stuff. Can just imagine him then scuttling off to HR, with nothing but best intentions to see that I didn't collapse at my desk.

My 'Guy' was, & is, a kind, thoughtful chap who would honestly want to help. He's bunged me painkillers for a migraine, &, for that matter, held my hair out of the way once so I could throw up on a particularly lairy work do. He's great with any crisis that isn't female specific... Hmm.

HR is the one who has fucked up IMO. All she had to do was message you & say 'Are you ok? Guy says you aren't feeling well & you said you are using a hot water bottle for pain. Do you need to go home?'

It's her job to smooth personnel issues, whether it be 'manager doesn't think he can discuss medical specifics with team member who seems unwell & needs checking on' or 'colleague needs to be told she can go home if necessary, rather than suffering at desk as noted by another staff member'.

I think I'd take it further. As PPs have said, would you have been scolded like this if you were a bloke chugging Nurofen, or if you had a tubigrip on your ankle?

AdoraBell · 11/07/2017 20:38

I'm more shocked at HR than Guy. He's just being a fucking idiot, but HR bod super unreasonable and unprofessional.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 11/07/2017 20:42

If Guy struggles that much with period pain I wonder how he'd cope if someone was using a fan because they had hot flushes?

msrisotto · 11/07/2017 20:42

Coddi - wtf are you on about? You can't go to hr every time a colleague is in mild pain! That takes out almost all women every month, everyone who suffers from hayfever, anyone who coughs, anyone with back pain, knee pain, headaches, IBS, repetitive strain injury, eyeroll strain etc etc

Sympathy and not much more was all that was required. Now it's been made into this big thing. She's a big girl and she can decide if and when she has to go home. Going to HR was overkill big time.

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 11/07/2017 20:44

Do you have a complaint process for HR? If not go straight to your CEO and explain you experienced sex discrimination from your head of HR as you were called out on having menstrual cramps when other colleagues have had their illnesses brushed over. Document it all.

I agree, because if you followed this stupid advice in our organisation it would not be long before you clocked up enough days to be invited to an informal sickness absence review meeting with your line manager and HR.

Mammylamb · 11/07/2017 20:44

You were not very professional. You should have waited until you got home to menstruate.

scaryclown · 11/07/2017 20:51

1.Ffs this is mental.
Though..
2.i've noticed that some women in my office have a hottie every day.
But also

  1. A hottie is great for back pain tel him Grin
And
  1. When the fuck did 'unprofessional' become a euphemism for 'fucking odd unreasonable request by someone else'
Professionalism is doing the job.correctly and managing yourself to do so. unprofessional is is faffing about with completely irrelevant pointless shit because you get the chance to tell someone off, and so feel a bit grown up.

How the hell is having a heat pad so you can work better 'unprofessional' bloody Nora!

sanitygirl · 11/07/2017 20:52

But

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