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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious for being called out for menstruating at work?

559 replies

Snuffalo · 11/07/2017 15:04

Having horrible menstrual cramps, naproxen isn’t touching it, and I remember I have a hot water bottle in my desk drawer - I used it all winter in my freezing office, and a few other people, male and female, have one as well - we have a rule against personal space heaters so it can be nice to have under your desk next to your feet.

Anyway. I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work. My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” I say “um, no, just for the pain relief”. He looks confused and then literally horrified and then he walks away.

Less than ten minutes later, I get a Slack message from one of the HR admins (HR is based in another office a few hours away) to say “Guy says you’re not well and should go home, everything OK?”

I say “I’m fine, this is sort of weird, he just looked a bit shocked that I had a hot water bottle, I’ve got cramps, you know how it is.”

She goes silent and then offline completely, ten more minutes later, the HR Director calls me and asks me if I can find a meeting room, which I do. She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable. I’m literally shocked, I explain exactly what happened, she says “yes I understand, if you’re so unwell you need a hot water bottle you should be home, Guy is extremely uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional”. I say “this is weird, ok, anything else”? She’s quite breezy and professional - “No, that’s all, if you’re feeling better that’s great but if you need to, please do go home, OK bye!"

I’m just completely flabbergasted. Especially considering that Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems - which seems to me both unprofessional and likely to make people uncomfortable, not that I really cared personally. I wouldn’t have had my hot water bottle in a client meeting or even if clients were in the office.

Other people have standing desks, weird foot rests, all kinds of chairs and special backrests for their back pain and wrist braces for their wrist pain and a hundred other things and I’m not allowed to have a hot water bottle for my menstrual cramps? Am I right to be completely fucking furious?

*I normally have no problem with Guy, we don’t work closely, no one else does what I do at work but he comes closest and he does my nominal (and always positive) performance reviews and signs off on my holiday.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
thebigbluedustbin · 15/07/2017 03:31

Absolutely disgraceful that the media have widely reported this. OP could lose her job. Hate how they play with people's lives for a 'good' story. Yes, MN is public, but a thread v different from news articles. Angry

Icallbullshit3 · 15/07/2017 12:00

Hope you are ok OP. Very sorry to see that lazy journalism is still continuing. Bloody vipers xx

QuackPorridgeBacon · 15/07/2017 13:07

Ceto guy wasn't told that the op was on her period therefore he isn't being sexist as he could have reacted the same if a man was in pain with a hot water bottle and didn't disclose why.

IloveBanff · 15/07/2017 13:23

I wonder why he told HR that he was very uncomfortable then, QuackPorridgeBacon

Ceto · 15/07/2017 16:46

QuackPorridge, I'm quite sure he worked it out from OP's reference to cramps and saying "You know how it is". Why otherwise do you think he would have complained about this when everyone else is apparently allowed to discuss their illnesses and pains with impunity?

dstill1964 · 15/07/2017 16:57

I'd keep a written record of this for reference; can't discriminate against you for being a woman. Don't see you were doing anything wrong

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/07/2017 18:09

QuackPorridge, I'm quite sure he worked it out from OP's reference to cramps and saying "You know how it is".

Actually she said to Guy she was in pain. Op only said the above to HR when they called

grannytomine · 15/07/2017 20:11

I don't know why "You know how it is" means they knew it was a period. People would know how it is to have stomach cramps whatever the reason.

I feel sorry for OP, people have piled in about it being sexist when from what she says that isn't clear. She has probably contravened their policy on disclosing work information on social networking and now it has been picked up widely and she might well be in trouble for this and for making accusations.

I suppose it is too late to pull the thread, the damage is done.

Legally you can't just decide that someone knew something if you haven't told them, if you can't prove he reacted the way he did because it was period related then you can't prove he was being sexist.

Ceto · 16/07/2017 08:38

I fear you're being deliberately obtuse, granny. Young women clutching hot water bottle to stomach and talking about cramps coupled with man complaining about it when he doesn't complain about any other mentions of illness in the office? How would you interpret his complaints, then?

grannytomine · 16/07/2017 08:45

Ceto there are many ways it can be explained. The point is people have been telling OP to take it further, go to an ET. You can't just go into an ET and say "I know what he was thinking." There is absolutely no proof that this is related to sex discrimination. Men get stomach cramps, if you have ever had or worked with someone with IBS it can be difficult, they are in extreme pain, often far worse than menstrual cramps, it can mean frequent dashes to the loo which can be awkward if you work in a small office i.e. I have worked in two places where we had one loo, someone with IBS desperate for the loo would have been difficult to accommodate as in both I was in a listed building and even if we wanted to we couldn't just magic up another loo.

There are issues with how OP was treated, going down the sex discrimination route is not the best way to deal with them.

Obviouspretzel · 16/07/2017 08:50

It is so obviously sex discrimination it is unbelievable. Pretending otherwise is ridiculous and obtuse.

ataraxia · 16/07/2017 08:51

Bemused by this on so many levels. Apart from the obvious reason, HR have no leg to stand on here - "I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR." Well, OP didn't do that!

Saying she has pain is not indicative of any medical illness. If I say I have a pain in my foot I'm not 'disclosing' gout - might have stubbed my toe. If I say I have a headache, I'm not disclosing a tumour or even migraines. I might just have a headache.

Patently not all pain is worthy of going home or there would be far fewer workers on any given day and we'd have to assume that paracetamol has no possible impact. Are 'Guy' and HR so obtuse as to think that a large proportion of their female staff should vacate the office five days a month?

Sounds like not only sort-of supervisor but all levels of HR need some training. Is there a union involved/complaint initiated (sorry if I've missed this)?

Would 'Guy' have gone to HR if the hot water bottle was resting against OPs back, so could have been a back twinge or cramps (perhaps he wouldn't know the possible 'womanly' cause of back pain?

ataraxia · 16/07/2017 08:56

Presumably OP is now feeling uncomfortable as she does not know which of Guy's questions she is allowed to answer, and whether HR's preferred option would have been silence, lying or 'none of your business.'

grannytomine · 16/07/2017 08:58

Obviouspretzel it may be that the first thing you think of when someone has stomach cramps is menstrual problems. If you are a man who has bad stomach cramps it might not be the first thing he thinks of.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 16/07/2017 09:53

See I am a woman and if I was a bloke who saw someone (anyone) with cramps my first thought probably wouldn't be mentruastion (seeing as we can guess 'guys' thoughts on this thread) I would be thinkinking they have the shits, I also have a child with a lowered immune system so the shits would make me worry and panicky incase anyone caught it so I would go to someone about that if I wasn't allowed to discuss it.

Think about t, not everyone will think of a period when they hear cramps, some people panic about germs and or bugs for whatever reason including health wise why shouldn't they be worried and thinking maybe they should go home as I wouldn't want to be around someone that has the shits and cramps in my experience mean shits.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 16/07/2017 12:53

"Cramps" was not mentioned in the conversation with Guy. Guy was told it was "pain relief" and that made him feel so uncomfortable he raised the issue with HR.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 16/07/2017 12:56

Anyway. I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work. My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” I say “um, no, just for the pain relief”. He looks confused and then literally horrified and then he walks away

OP never mentioned cramps to Guy- that was in the conversation with HR admin.

grannytomine · 16/07/2017 13:01

Pain or cramps, neither are exclusive to menstruation or to women in general.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 16/07/2017 13:08

Oh fgs sake Granny. The OP told Guy she was using the bottle for pain relief and Guy got in touch with HR because being told this made him uncomfortable.

Do you think if he saw a packet of paracetamol on a colleague's desk, man or woman, he would have got in touch with HR?

deifersmum · 16/07/2017 13:26

What an absolute twat, excuse the language really don't like word but its' the only one that springs to mind at the moment. Guy needs a life lesson in how to treat people and grow up, didn't his mommy tell him the facts of life, obviously hasn't grown up with sisters !!!!! Next time holds a meeting flat on his back call HR and report the idiot, turn the tables and see how he like it. Do you have a union, shouldn't they be informed of this.

Ceto · 16/07/2017 13:59

Ceto there are many ways it can be explained. The point is people have been telling OP to take it further, go to an ET. You can't just go into an ET and say "I know what he was thinking."

But you can go to HR and ask them to explain precisely what his and indeed their complaint is, and how come neither of them complain in the same way about the many occasions when other people refer to their health problems.

grannytomine · 16/07/2017 19:30

Ceto, yes you can go and ask, it would be sensible. People on here deciding they know exactly what he was thinking is not sensible. Not how it works, bit like expecting the Police to arrest someone because you just know it was them, the Police will want a bit more than that and so will an ET.

SheilaN · 17/07/2017 07:27

I wish I had thought of using a hot water bottle years ago. Recently at pharmacy I thought there is a heat wrap you can wear under your clothes for cramps.

SheilaN · 17/07/2017 07:28

found, not thought

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