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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious for being called out for menstruating at work?

559 replies

Snuffalo · 11/07/2017 15:04

Having horrible menstrual cramps, naproxen isn’t touching it, and I remember I have a hot water bottle in my desk drawer - I used it all winter in my freezing office, and a few other people, male and female, have one as well - we have a rule against personal space heaters so it can be nice to have under your desk next to your feet.

Anyway. I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work. My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” I say “um, no, just for the pain relief”. He looks confused and then literally horrified and then he walks away.

Less than ten minutes later, I get a Slack message from one of the HR admins (HR is based in another office a few hours away) to say “Guy says you’re not well and should go home, everything OK?”

I say “I’m fine, this is sort of weird, he just looked a bit shocked that I had a hot water bottle, I’ve got cramps, you know how it is.”

She goes silent and then offline completely, ten more minutes later, the HR Director calls me and asks me if I can find a meeting room, which I do. She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable. I’m literally shocked, I explain exactly what happened, she says “yes I understand, if you’re so unwell you need a hot water bottle you should be home, Guy is extremely uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional”. I say “this is weird, ok, anything else”? She’s quite breezy and professional - “No, that’s all, if you’re feeling better that’s great but if you need to, please do go home, OK bye!"

I’m just completely flabbergasted. Especially considering that Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems - which seems to me both unprofessional and likely to make people uncomfortable, not that I really cared personally. I wouldn’t have had my hot water bottle in a client meeting or even if clients were in the office.

Other people have standing desks, weird foot rests, all kinds of chairs and special backrests for their back pain and wrist braces for their wrist pain and a hundred other things and I’m not allowed to have a hot water bottle for my menstrual cramps? Am I right to be completely fucking furious?

*I normally have no problem with Guy, we don’t work closely, no one else does what I do at work but he comes closest and he does my nominal (and always positive) performance reviews and signs off on my holiday.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
a1poshpaws · 13/07/2017 19:13

Groupie123 is right - sex discrimination issue. Make a formal complaint.

BlackberryandNettle · 13/07/2017 19:39

Grannytomine the obvious explanation, by far, was period cramps. He asked a question then told HR he was uncomfortable about the honest reply. What a price.

BlackberryandNettle · 13/07/2017 19:40

And unless HR have asked all other employees in pain, for example lying on their backs with back pain, to leave, they have discriminated.

BlackberryandNettle · 13/07/2017 19:41

What a prick, even

grannytomine · 13/07/2017 19:43

Unfortunately what is obvious won't really be classed as evidence at an ET. I had a member of staff try to take my firm to an ET as they "knew" what someone meant. It didn't even get to the ET as it was reviewed and thrown out.

As I said if they can show they would have done the same with a man with cramps then it isn't discrimination, madness maybe, discrimination no.

Maybe the OP can tell us if she, Guy or HR mentioned/asked what was the cause of the cramps?

BlackberryandNettle · 13/07/2017 19:46

Op next time guy is lying on floor, ask him why, then report answer to hr as concern that he may need to go home and state that his disclosure of a medical issue has made you deeply uncomfortable. I wonder how whether they'll tick him off for answering a question, making you uncomfortable and advise him to leave?

corythatwas · 13/07/2017 20:12

"Some people might not feel comfortable about talking about their bowels, I certainly don't want to hear about what happened when you went to the loo. For all you know he has a loved one who died of bowel cancer (I do and it is a pretty awful death) and that upset him."

But the OP did not talk about her bowels, that is precisely the point. She said "it is pain relief". With no detail at all.

If she had talked about bowel function, then I could understand his embarrassment. But she didn't.

IloveBanff · 13/07/2017 20:27

This is such an active thread with nearly 500 posts and the OP has only posted twice since the opening post. I wonder if she's forgotten all about it.

grannytomine · 13/07/2017 20:34

Stomach cramps can be caused by bowel problems (IBS) as well as menstrual problems.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 13/07/2017 20:54

You what now? (said in a Fargo accent). Is this a joke? Surely he should be in trouble not the other way round.

Neverknowing · 13/07/2017 21:01

Pretty sure your periods make you more uncomfortable than Guy. I'd definitely be complaining that he acted wrongly, he asked you something and you answered. It's discrimination.
Please, please complain and then you won't have to go through this again and someone who doesn't have your gall also won't have to. We're made to feel bad about being female enough without this bullshit.

Neverknowing · 13/07/2017 21:01

Periods aren't taboo ffs

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/07/2017 22:17

Granny if the employer asks all employees who experience stomach cramps to go home, but do not insist others who are also in some pain but feel able to work (for instance back pain or headaches) go home, aren't they indirectly discriminating since only women will get period pains?

grannytomine · 14/07/2017 09:43

Some women get periods, some women get period pains. Men and women of all ages get stomach cramps. How many women get menstrual cramps that are bad enough to need a hot water bottle but not bad enough to be at home? The only person I've ever worked with who did this had IBS. I suppose if they wear a hot water bottle on their head or back it could be comparable, pain is subjective but if the sufferer feels that is necessary then they are obviously the best judge.

The not talking about it can be difficult, I worked with someone who had MH issues about a medical condition, other people were asked to be discrete about similar issues not because anyone thought they were embarrassing but out of consideration to someone else. It couldn't be spelt out why this was said as she had a right to confidentiality but we all knew the problem (fairly small office) so we didn't need it spelling out.

I think it would be hard to prove at an ET that this is discrimination unless more was said than the OP has stated, that is entirely possible but we don't know.

Ktay · 14/07/2017 14:11

OP you've made it into the HR press!

Chooseyourhard · 14/07/2017 14:57

I wonder, as this has done the rounds on social media now, with some many twitter retweets, if the HR dept have got wind of this!

Chooseyourhard · 14/07/2017 14:58

And also why the OP didn't come back again.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/07/2017 15:49

re the HR press. Even now they are still getting it wrong. The op said that she was in pain. there was no mention of periods until HR got involved.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/07/2017 23:18

I think guy is strong a hard time. How is he sexist if he didn't even know what was wrong with the op?

He didn't know she was on her period she could of had diarrhoea cramps or anything, maybe worried he would get sick. Either way he didn't know as the op didn't say, how is he sexist?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/07/2017 00:18

I doubt I would take a hot water bottle to work..take pain relief maybe.No need for the attention it would attract and obv colleagues are going to ask what it's for..??

Loads of people have hot water bottles in my office.I'm female and I've never even until now thought they might be for periods.

The heating and air conditioning in our office is wildly erratic. It is a big open plan office and there are personal desk fans, hot water bottles, shawls, wraps, foot rests, keyboard supports, cushions, whatever which people have brought in to make themselves comfortable. About half are men. They would appear to be as oblivious as I am to this non problem.

Ceto · 15/07/2017 00:32

Get HR seriously worried. Write to them to confirm what they said, and ask why they do not appear to have taken similar action in relation to people who complain of bad backs, coughs, colds etc. Say that it appears that their action was specifically related to the fact that your problem was one that is only suffered by women, therefore it appears that they are operating a discriminatory policy and ask precisely what their justification is.

HR departments tend to get incredibly sensitive about the possibility of discrimination claims, and will probably be horrified at the thought of the bosses finding out that they are risking such a claim being brought.

Ceto · 15/07/2017 00:34

QuackPorridge, guy is sexist because he went off and moaned to HR and it is obvious that he did so because of the nature of OP's complaint. The fact that he has no qualms about telling everyone about his own health problems demonstrates that it wasn't that he was objecting to her talking about health problems in general.

SouthWindsWesterly · 15/07/2017 01:33

OP may not have come back as it's possible possible that this thread has made its way back to RL and may have work implications.

EBearhug · 15/07/2017 02:02

it's possible possible that this thread has made its way back to RL and may have work implications.

Yes, I wondered that. I should think it's pretty identifiable to those involved.