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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious for being called out for menstruating at work?

559 replies

Snuffalo · 11/07/2017 15:04

Having horrible menstrual cramps, naproxen isn’t touching it, and I remember I have a hot water bottle in my desk drawer - I used it all winter in my freezing office, and a few other people, male and female, have one as well - we have a rule against personal space heaters so it can be nice to have under your desk next to your feet.

Anyway. I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work. My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” I say “um, no, just for the pain relief”. He looks confused and then literally horrified and then he walks away.

Less than ten minutes later, I get a Slack message from one of the HR admins (HR is based in another office a few hours away) to say “Guy says you’re not well and should go home, everything OK?”

I say “I’m fine, this is sort of weird, he just looked a bit shocked that I had a hot water bottle, I’ve got cramps, you know how it is.”

She goes silent and then offline completely, ten more minutes later, the HR Director calls me and asks me if I can find a meeting room, which I do. She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable. I’m literally shocked, I explain exactly what happened, she says “yes I understand, if you’re so unwell you need a hot water bottle you should be home, Guy is extremely uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional”. I say “this is weird, ok, anything else”? She’s quite breezy and professional - “No, that’s all, if you’re feeling better that’s great but if you need to, please do go home, OK bye!"

I’m just completely flabbergasted. Especially considering that Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems - which seems to me both unprofessional and likely to make people uncomfortable, not that I really cared personally. I wouldn’t have had my hot water bottle in a client meeting or even if clients were in the office.

Other people have standing desks, weird foot rests, all kinds of chairs and special backrests for their back pain and wrist braces for their wrist pain and a hundred other things and I’m not allowed to have a hot water bottle for my menstrual cramps? Am I right to be completely fucking furious?

*I normally have no problem with Guy, we don’t work closely, no one else does what I do at work but he comes closest and he does my nominal (and always positive) performance reviews and signs off on my holiday.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Darkstarrheart · 12/07/2017 20:21

Wow, I'm amazed they didn't give you a bell to ring! Shock

Stillonthatbloodycomputer · 12/07/2017 20:23

Err first question, when did periods become a ' medical problem ' if so then virtually every woman I've ever known has a medical problem every 28 days, and second question , who and what the hell are your HR dept because they obviously have a serious issue, are they by any chance headed by a male ?

grannytomine · 12/07/2017 20:23

user1481824520 did anyone say it was a period problem? I can't see anything other than cramps. Maybe he has a phobia about diarrhea and was worried she was going to explode.

Ticketybootoo · 12/07/2017 20:38

I agree with badtime . I also think this is sexist and rather backward and I feel for you . Bunch of idiots . Good Luck with them / you will be sure to outwit them 💐

Winemamma · 12/07/2017 20:38

I'm in disbelief this actually happened. Not saying it didn't, I just can't believe in this day and age a man would react that way and then someone in HR would then make it 100 times worse! Shock

user1481824520 · 12/07/2017 20:38

granny to mine: not sure you meant to aim that q at me but the title of the thread makes it pretty clear anyway!

grannytomine · 12/07/2017 20:48

The title does but nothing in the OP does.

Leapfrog44 · 12/07/2017 20:53

Take that further. That's OUTRAGEOUS! Write a letter to challenge them. If you'd have had a hot water bottle tucked into the back of your chair for for a back problem no one would have batted an eyelid. A period is not cause for going into fucking purdah!

bobbysbabe · 12/07/2017 21:17

WTF*
what century does Guy HR live in.

File a complaint.

flowergrrl77 · 12/07/2017 21:24

*Today 20:21 Darkstarrheart

Wow, I'm amazed they didn't give you a bell to ring! shock *

Whilst calling "Unclean! Unclean!"

Crumbs1 · 12/07/2017 21:28

Poor over sensitive young boy - I assume not an adult man. It's incredible this happens in this day and age. My male colleagues talk happily about periods, menopause, hysterectomies, breast cancer, hysteroscopy, recipes, grandchildren, fashion crimes, high heels and all things 'women'.

Darkstarrheart · 12/07/2017 21:32

flowergrrl77

Exactly!! Grin

CupOfTeaAndAGoodBook · 12/07/2017 21:33

OP if you're still there, I suggest:

Dear HR

Further to our conversation yesterday, please can you confirm whether I have been sent home for sickness despite the fact that I felt well enough to work, or whether I have been suspended. If the former, please could you forward your policy on permitted methods of pain relief, so that I know whether paracetamol, codeine, heat pads, etc are allowable for future reference.

If the latter, please could you explain how I should have responded to Guy, what defined "medical condition" you felt I had disclosed from the words "pain relief", and please could you forward your policy on permitted medical disclosures for my future reference.

Should I have hay fever in future, is it acceptable to:
Use tissues?
Take hay fever medication?
Tell colleagues that I am suffering from hay fever, either voluntarily or if asked?

I look forward to your response..."

Italiangreyhound · 12/07/2017 21:35

You should have said that if... "She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable." Then the staff member should not have asked about your hot water bottle.

Periods are normal for women aged 12-50 (ish) and you are a woman, so your HR manager making you feel uncomfortable about it is completely unacceptable.

Personally I would not escalate it but if it comes up again i would say that it is not a medical condition, it is a normal bodily function and it is none of anyone else's business. (Fucking fuming for you!)

IloveBanff · 12/07/2017 21:37

Crumbs1 "Poor over sensitive young boy - I assume not an adult man."

OP said he's in his 50s.

PossibiliTea · 12/07/2017 21:38

Please raise this as some sort of complaint, it's unbelievable!

Bmh54 · 12/07/2017 21:45

I doubt I would take a hot water bottle to work..take pain relief maybe.No need for the attention it would attract and obv colleagues are going to ask what it's for..??you are either fit or unfit for work..if you aren't well go home...don't bore your colleagues with it..

Dianag111 · 12/07/2017 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dianag111 · 12/07/2017 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellThisIsShit · 12/07/2017 22:02

Ilove I think Crumbs was meaning to use satire there :)

I would summarise the situation in an email to HR, not to take it forwards if you don't want, but to leave a super clear paper trail just in case it rears its ugly head in your annual review or something stupid like that! I think you said you'd got much of it in emails, but I'd just make sure you've written down the reality of the office approach to illness, with egs like he talks about his back problem & even lies down in meetings, and a variety of the other examples of people behaving in a normal and relatively open way about other ailments. This is to show that they are singling out period pain as an unacceptable issue to have or to signal in the office (via behaviour or speech).

I'd also just get down in writing that it was the infantile ickle boy that initiated a conversation and asked direct questions, and that you simply responded in a non-graphic or even particular clear reference to menstruation!

These are the two key elements about this incident that will help prove unfair treatment, and dare I say it, inequality, in the event you need to do that at a later stage.

Not saying you will ever have to do that, but always good to cover yourself just in case.

I'm summary... Bloody idiots!

OMG I need to apologise to anyone of a sensitive disposition, my use of the word 'bloody' might conjure up ideas of icky vile womanhood. Unclean unclean unclean I say!

Ooo you could offer to remain unwashed as per old wives tales and then you could be helpfully a bit less than perfectly clean in reality too.

Crumbs1 · 12/07/2017 22:06

Indeed many 50 year old males remain immature.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 12/07/2017 22:07

Guy's an immature dick 🍼

Dianag111 · 12/07/2017 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellThisIsShit · 12/07/2017 22:23

On a side note, Diana, you may be surprised (or not) to know that even concepts like discrimination and inequality are not always enough of a warning shot...

One of my old offices thought they could refuse to let me use my wheelchair at work... because err, I can't quite remember their rationalisation but the basic objection was that it made me look different!

One of them (hr!) said they were a very inclusive company because they made great efforts to 'treat everyone the same'... so if I used my wheels etc I would be expecting different (ie preferential) treatment. Which they objected to being such a fair and equal office. These crazy perks included things like, having to using the (existing, functioning) disabled toilet! God I'm like, SO entitled Grin

I asked them how I was supposed to move around, and they genuinely thought I would just... walk.

purplebunny2012 · 12/07/2017 22:26

Endometriosis, Dianag111

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