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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious for being called out for menstruating at work?

559 replies

Snuffalo · 11/07/2017 15:04

Having horrible menstrual cramps, naproxen isn’t touching it, and I remember I have a hot water bottle in my desk drawer - I used it all winter in my freezing office, and a few other people, male and female, have one as well - we have a rule against personal space heaters so it can be nice to have under your desk next to your feet.

Anyway. I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work. My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” I say “um, no, just for the pain relief”. He looks confused and then literally horrified and then he walks away.

Less than ten minutes later, I get a Slack message from one of the HR admins (HR is based in another office a few hours away) to say “Guy says you’re not well and should go home, everything OK?”

I say “I’m fine, this is sort of weird, he just looked a bit shocked that I had a hot water bottle, I’ve got cramps, you know how it is.”

She goes silent and then offline completely, ten more minutes later, the HR Director calls me and asks me if I can find a meeting room, which I do. She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable. I’m literally shocked, I explain exactly what happened, she says “yes I understand, if you’re so unwell you need a hot water bottle you should be home, Guy is extremely uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional”. I say “this is weird, ok, anything else”? She’s quite breezy and professional - “No, that’s all, if you’re feeling better that’s great but if you need to, please do go home, OK bye!"

I’m just completely flabbergasted. Especially considering that Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems - which seems to me both unprofessional and likely to make people uncomfortable, not that I really cared personally. I wouldn’t have had my hot water bottle in a client meeting or even if clients were in the office.

Other people have standing desks, weird foot rests, all kinds of chairs and special backrests for their back pain and wrist braces for their wrist pain and a hundred other things and I’m not allowed to have a hot water bottle for my menstrual cramps? Am I right to be completely fucking furious?

*I normally have no problem with Guy, we don’t work closely, no one else does what I do at work but he comes closest and he does my nominal (and always positive) performance reviews and signs off on my holiday.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
dorisdog · 12/07/2017 18:20

WTF?! Get onto your union rep if you have one. If not, go through the official complaints procedure and write down, record and document everything you can.

And, yes, get clarification in writing what HR mean by 'disclosing illness.'

Blueink · 12/07/2017 18:26

It's not a medical issue; it's now a sex discrimination issue.

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 12/07/2017 18:28

Also next time you're in work with this repressed moron can you please sing "WHOOOAAH BODYFOOORM. Bodyform for yooooou." Maintain direct intense eye contact the whole time.

user1481824520 · 12/07/2017 18:32

I haven't read the entire thread but, since I'm the HR director at my firm, AND I suffer from horrific period pains myself - so bad I actually do have to take time off work occasionally - I just want to back up what the vast majority of posters have said: this was unbelievably unreasonable, sexist & mind bogglingly unprofessional on HR's part!

What should have happened:

Guy: "You're not cold are you?"
OP: "No, it's cramps"
Guy: "Oh poor you. Are you ok, or do you need to go home?"
OP: "No, I'll be fine, I'm used to it!"
Guy: "OK, great, well, let me know if you feel any worse or feel like you do need to go home" END OF STORY!

OR, since Guy's such a clueless misogynist, this:

Guy: "You're not cold are you?"
OP: "No, it's cramps"
Guy: "Waaa, ewwwww" - runs away to HR
Guy: "Waaa, OP's just told me she's got cramps, it's so gross, I feel yucky, waaaa"
HR: "What? What did you say when she told you?"
Guy: "I ran away"
HR: "Wtf, what are you, 5? You've prob made her feel uncomfortable af, go & apologise right now, check she's ok to keep working & doesn't need to go home, then leave her the f*ck alone and don't tell her you've complained to HR you giant man-baby"

So yes, you have grounds for a serious complaint, they've created a hostile environment for you.

I would suggest raising this with HR first, esp as it sounds like it's not generally a hostile environment (but do use that phrase when talking about this incident) and they're likely to get arsey if you go straight over their heads, which might make things tricky for you, so worth an informal word to point out how uncomfortable it made you & see what the reaction is. If they don't bend over backwards to make your life 1000% better in some way straight away, go over their heads.

Good luck!

Blueink · 12/07/2017 18:34

Agree it's HR who really ballsed up here

Anon101999 · 12/07/2017 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jakeyboy1 · 12/07/2017 18:35

Does anybody remember perfect "fucking Ruth" on the unmumsy mum? I think Guy is married to Ruth.

Blueink · 12/07/2017 18:41

Anon101 you don't mention sex discrimination in your post? Only women have periods and these are neither a medical problem nor a disability. Are you really in HR?!

Blueink · 12/07/2017 18:42

Same company perchance?!

Anon101999 · 12/07/2017 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anon101999 · 12/07/2017 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jayne1976 · 12/07/2017 18:45

So everyone else is allowed to do whatever they wish to alleviate pain, any devices are okay (most bizarrely lieing on your back in meetings - likely to make clients think this is too strange I'll go elsewhere!), but yes because you're colleague chose to pry into why you have a hot water bottle, and you explained it's for pain relief, and he then put two and two together and figured low and behold as a female you have periods is now uncomfortable!

BLUEsNewSpringWatch · 12/07/2017 18:46

Ive only got as far as page 6 but when I read this, I had to respond:

but they are female, so at least they cannot be accused of being sexist

WTAF you surely do not believe that?!? Of course a female manager can still be sexist to a female employee! I've actually had a formal apology from a previous work place for a female manager's sexist actions against me (I'm female too). I was told by my union I could easily sue over it if I wanted. Being female does not prevent you from acting in a sexist manner towards female employees.

grannytomine · 12/07/2017 18:48

Well only women have periods but men can have stomach cramps, I used to work with someone who had Crohn's or IBS (can't remember which) and they had cramps that were nothing to do with periods. Unless they said it was cramps because of periods then I don't see it is sex discrimination. In fact as they refer to a medical problem it is more likely that they think it is a bowel problem rather than a period which isn't medical.

Still a weird reaction, just don't think it is necessarily sex discrimination.

grannytomine · 12/07/2017 18:50

Sorry just realised this is 16 pages long, some how I seem to have skipped some of it so if OP has posted that periods were discussed ignore my previous post.

Blueink · 12/07/2017 18:59

Anon101 you referred to "medical problems or disabilities", of which this is neither. It is sex discrimination and it obviously had an impact on the OP, even if her pay was not affected.

Sausagehead · 12/07/2017 18:59

yep you must make a formal complaint claiming sex discrimination for a start. Guy has got to grow the fu*k up. where has he been hiding that he's so shocked about you revelation?

Anon101999 · 12/07/2017 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cubtrouble · 12/07/2017 19:02

Guy sounds like a cunt. I wonder if he's the same fucking Guy who had the sanitary dispensers removed at my work.

Having worked for many years at my company and after having my children I now seem to get horrible cramps for the day prior to my period. It's fucking agony and I really literally feel your pain OP. If anyone dared say anything to me about using any method to help ease them I'd give them a right dressing down.

What a bunch you have to deal with. I hope HR grow a pair 🙄

EllenMP · 12/07/2017 19:26

I would write HR a letter and say you feel this is sex discrimination (on their part -- HR should know better.) He asked a question, you answered it. What were you supposed to do, lie, to spare his blushes? "Yes, I am cold in my office in July..." If you said you had a headache he would not have called HR. They should applaud you for NOT pulling a sickie, not send you home where no one can catch menstruation from you. Idiots.

MistressDeeCee · 12/07/2017 19:28

For once - I am SPEECHLESS

user1481824520 · 12/07/2017 19:48

Anon101, you're not quite right there - she could resign & claim sex discrimination causing a hostile working environment that forced her to resign, and any ET would take that seriously - as any decent employer knows, so they'd settle before it got that far.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 12/07/2017 19:54

I work in a predominantly female environment and the few men around would ignore the hot water bottle as they are grown men and can probably guess why a woman would have one on their lap when it wasn't cold. Even if they were in a managerial position you are a grown up and can decide if you need to go home or not without the help of 'Guy' and HR!

purplebunny2012 · 12/07/2017 20:05

Don't get the sympathy for Guy. OP was in pain, found a way the relieve it, got on with her work (I assume not huffing with face contorted in pain). Guy was curious and assumed cold. Told pain relief. He should have just thought to himself "Great idea, OP, looks like she's coping" and got on with his day. Not go telling tales to utterly incompetent HR that his colleague was in too much pain to work and should go home

AtomHeart · 12/07/2017 20:18

Is this in the UK? Are there any cultural differences involved?

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