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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious for being called out for menstruating at work?

559 replies

Snuffalo · 11/07/2017 15:04

Having horrible menstrual cramps, naproxen isn’t touching it, and I remember I have a hot water bottle in my desk drawer - I used it all winter in my freezing office, and a few other people, male and female, have one as well - we have a rule against personal space heaters so it can be nice to have under your desk next to your feet.

Anyway. I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work. My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” I say “um, no, just for the pain relief”. He looks confused and then literally horrified and then he walks away.

Less than ten minutes later, I get a Slack message from one of the HR admins (HR is based in another office a few hours away) to say “Guy says you’re not well and should go home, everything OK?”

I say “I’m fine, this is sort of weird, he just looked a bit shocked that I had a hot water bottle, I’ve got cramps, you know how it is.”

She goes silent and then offline completely, ten more minutes later, the HR Director calls me and asks me if I can find a meeting room, which I do. She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable. I’m literally shocked, I explain exactly what happened, she says “yes I understand, if you’re so unwell you need a hot water bottle you should be home, Guy is extremely uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional”. I say “this is weird, ok, anything else”? She’s quite breezy and professional - “No, that’s all, if you’re feeling better that’s great but if you need to, please do go home, OK bye!"

I’m just completely flabbergasted. Especially considering that Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems - which seems to me both unprofessional and likely to make people uncomfortable, not that I really cared personally. I wouldn’t have had my hot water bottle in a client meeting or even if clients were in the office.

Other people have standing desks, weird foot rests, all kinds of chairs and special backrests for their back pain and wrist braces for their wrist pain and a hundred other things and I’m not allowed to have a hot water bottle for my menstrual cramps? Am I right to be completely fucking furious?

*I normally have no problem with Guy, we don’t work closely, no one else does what I do at work but he comes closest and he does my nominal (and always positive) performance reviews and signs off on my holiday.

OP posts:
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demirose87 · 12/07/2017 12:03

And unfortunately periods will always be considered more personal than a headache, backache etc as they involve a woman's private parts Not saying this is correct, but I think it can be seen as a taboo subject to some people. And yes if Guy was flat on his back with back ache then he shouldn't be in work.

YogaAndRum · 12/07/2017 12:08

This makes me angry on every possible level on your behalf OP

Also, I'm sick of men commenting on my temperature at work. Asking if I'm cold in my dress, or telling me I must be too hot in my coat etc (I dress professionally for work btw). FUCK OFF. None of your freakin' business. Even if the temperature outside was hotter than the surface of the sun, if the OP wants a hot water bottle that's her GODDAMN business.

Sorry, years of repressed rage there that I didn't know existed Grin

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/07/2017 12:09

And unfortunately periods will always be considered more personal than a headache, backache etc as they involve a woman's private parts Not saying this is correct, but I think it can be seen as a taboo subject to some people

But surely the best we can do is to demystify them by talking as openly about them as we would about any other similar non-contagious ailment?

I'm wondering what would happen if the OP's workplace installed Gender Neutral bathrooms with tampon dispensing machines (not that I think that GN bathrooms are a good idea).

Maremaremare · 12/07/2017 12:11

OMG!! I agree with the previous poster who said you should ask for them to clarify in writing everything they said to you!

Maybe "Guy" should mind his own f-ing business in future!

Goldenhandshake · 12/07/2017 12:12

Wow, your HR department are a shower of shite aren't they?

Mulledwine1 · 12/07/2017 12:13

For future OP there is some wonderful heat pads that you can get, they can go directly on your skin or clothing, and are discrete

and expensive.

I use them from time to time (and the cold ones) when I have running niggles. But it's much cheaper to refill a hot water bottle.

This is a very weird story.

So if I sneeze and someone says "have you got hay fever" and I say "no I think it's a cold" (or vice versa) that is disclosing a medical problem and may make people uncomfortable?

???

Spudlet · 12/07/2017 12:15

Expensive, and bad for the environment too! They end up in landfill, a hot water bottle or wheat bag can be reused over and over.

MineKraftCheese · 12/07/2017 12:21

Isn't pregnancy, maternity leave and discussion thereof also connected to women's "private parts"? I don't see that being outlawed in offices or causing HR shit fits.

Judydreamsofhorses · 12/07/2017 12:23

My manager at work is in his early 50s, and gay - last year I had to ask for a room move because a light was strobing which is a migraine trigger for me. We got into a conversation about migraines, and he was telling me about a daily preventative drug his husband takes which is really great, and suggested I ask for that. I said that would be overkill for me, as mine were "hormonal" (didn't elaborate at all) and I swear, he just about passed out before my very eyes. If I ever needed to take time out for a gynae issue I think I would have to say I had the dentist.

demirose87 · 12/07/2017 12:24

yetanotherspartacus yes I agree we should be more open about them. Periods are a fact of nature and women will always have them. The problem is that not everyone wants to know about them/ talk about their own periods.I'll talk in detail about mine to my partner/ mum/ close friend but I wouldn't to a work colleague, dad, brother stranger because I wouldn't feel comfortable and I wouldn't necessarily ever need to bring up the topic with them.

SapphireStrange · 12/07/2017 12:30

demi, I wasn't referring to your comment but to Haud's about 'unwanted attention'.

But it is abundantly clear from the OP that she wasn't 'hunched over a hot water bottle' and that she wasn't in such pain that she couldn't do her job properly. And, being a competent adult, if she WAS in that much pain she would have been capable of making that call and going home.

Also, having a hot-water bottle doesn't necessarily have to mean letting everyone know you've got your period. Someone could be using it for post-exercise or sickness pain, or IBS cramps, or probably any number of things.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/07/2017 12:30

I guess I see pregnancy as even more intimate in some ways because the pregnant woman has been, you know, fucking and all ... :).

But then I'm in a position where I regularly hear of dysmenorrhea as an excuse for various things so I guess I am just used to it.

Drivingmenuts · 12/07/2017 12:37

Wow. Given that Guy (who sounds like a d1ck) took it to HR, I would do the same and make a formal complaint that you were made to feel uncomfortable for something normal and part of being female. Periods are nothing to be ashamed of or have to hide. The fact other staff have special arrangements and as you say Guy has meetings flat on his back (wtf) add to your argument. Don't let this one lie!

demirose87 · 12/07/2017 12:40

I'm pregnant at the moment with number 4 but I think the same would apply, for me. I've had bleeding and thrush, heavy discharge in pregnancy that meant I've had to go into hospital to be checked over. And when i was still working I've just said "pregnancy complications". I don't think people want to hear about my bodily functions and I wouldn't necessarily want to talk about it with people I wasn't close to. Same goes for a smear test when I had to take time off for that. Manager kept asking me and in the end I told her. She said "oh I wish I hadn't asked now, I've just put my foot in it". Anyway, I've gone way off topic here, but the point I was making is that not everyone is comfortable talking about things of this nature.

MineKraftCheese · 12/07/2017 12:42

@demirose87 At what point did the OP bring up the topic of menstruating though? Guy made some assumptions.

DistanceCall · 12/07/2017 12:42

Make a complaint. I agree with you that Guy may have just been awkward (and a bit ridiculous, but people sometimes are). But HR's position is definitely not on. I'd go over them and file a complaint.

NC4now · 12/07/2017 12:42

If he's not comfortable, he shouldn't ask why you've got a hot water bottle. Strange.
However, HR wouldn't have to tell me twice to go home. If that's their stance, I'd be out of there.

Wdigin2this · 12/07/2017 12:44

What bloody age are these people living in...For gawd's sake they all need to grow up!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/07/2017 12:46

However, HR wouldn't have to tell me twice to go home. If that's their stance, I'd be out of there

Yeah, maybe. Unless they expected you to file sick time that you neither needed nor wanted to take or perhaps didn't have ...

cheeseandvino · 12/07/2017 12:56

Wow HR suck where you work.

How useless are they

FloatiesForSwimming · 12/07/2017 13:04

ROARING at that shirt!

And hr sound shite.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 12/07/2017 13:11

I don't understand why you didn't quote the conversation? He's clearly elaborated what you actually said. I would have told her just what you told us. You cannot be penalised for saying "No it's just for pain relief"

Venusflytwat · 12/07/2017 13:26

I can't quite believe what I've read; what a bunch of idiots!

Keep making them squirm. "Confirm your understanding" of anything verbal in writing immediately afterwards.

IloveBanff · 12/07/2017 13:26

I'm sure she did JustDontGetItAtAll. She said "I’m literally shocked, I explain exactly what happened, she says “yes I understand, if you’re so unwell you need a hot water bottle you should be home"

Jaxhog · 12/07/2017 13:50

Crazy! Periods aren't a 'medical problem', they're a fact of life for women.

What next, don't come to work every month? Work in a separate office while on your 'you know what', in case the snowflake men might 'catch it'?

This is dark ages stuff!

They should be grateful you continued to work.

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