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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious for being called out for menstruating at work?

559 replies

Snuffalo · 11/07/2017 15:04

Having horrible menstrual cramps, naproxen isn’t touching it, and I remember I have a hot water bottle in my desk drawer - I used it all winter in my freezing office, and a few other people, male and female, have one as well - we have a rule against personal space heaters so it can be nice to have under your desk next to your feet.

Anyway. I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work. My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” I say “um, no, just for the pain relief”. He looks confused and then literally horrified and then he walks away.

Less than ten minutes later, I get a Slack message from one of the HR admins (HR is based in another office a few hours away) to say “Guy says you’re not well and should go home, everything OK?”

I say “I’m fine, this is sort of weird, he just looked a bit shocked that I had a hot water bottle, I’ve got cramps, you know how it is.”

She goes silent and then offline completely, ten more minutes later, the HR Director calls me and asks me if I can find a meeting room, which I do. She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable. I’m literally shocked, I explain exactly what happened, she says “yes I understand, if you’re so unwell you need a hot water bottle you should be home, Guy is extremely uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional”. I say “this is weird, ok, anything else”? She’s quite breezy and professional - “No, that’s all, if you’re feeling better that’s great but if you need to, please do go home, OK bye!"

I’m just completely flabbergasted. Especially considering that Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems - which seems to me both unprofessional and likely to make people uncomfortable, not that I really cared personally. I wouldn’t have had my hot water bottle in a client meeting or even if clients were in the office.

Other people have standing desks, weird foot rests, all kinds of chairs and special backrests for their back pain and wrist braces for their wrist pain and a hundred other things and I’m not allowed to have a hot water bottle for my menstrual cramps? Am I right to be completely fucking furious?

*I normally have no problem with Guy, we don’t work closely, no one else does what I do at work but he comes closest and he does my nominal (and always positive) performance reviews and signs off on my holiday.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 12/07/2017 08:53

Clearly you didn't read my comments then Cherries

At no point have I said the OP is attention seeking, I said she needs to report it to HR as they have handled the whole thing unacceptably.

I said personally I found that having a hot water bottle in the office unprofessional whether it's to relieve pain or not, I have heat pads that I buy, personally for me they are better as they give you 8 hours of delicious relief, I advised OP that they were also discrete.

For this was told I was a special snowflake -Confused and a member of the HR team. Confused in which I didn't know how period pain can affect woman Hmm

I have at no point said the OP did anything wrong, she hasn't. HR need to took over the coals with this.

CherriesInTheSnow · 12/07/2017 10:37

Haudyer

"To me its just asking for unwanted attention."

mum11970 · 12/07/2017 10:45

Did you actually say it was period pain? It is possible they jumped to the conclusion you had stomach cramps because of a case of diarrhoea.

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 12/07/2017 10:51

Haha god can't believe this scenario, ridiculous. The following information and response made me proper burst out laughing.

Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems

Not read thread op but this made me really belly laugh, fuck off the fuck Guy you prat!

GrinGrinGrin

On the plus side OP does this mean they're effectively giving you free license to take several days off a month and stay home and eat chocolate? Get that in writing.

PatMullins · 12/07/2017 10:58

How DARE you bring your uterus to work Angry

OstentatiousWanking · 12/07/2017 11:03

Haven't RTFT but I'm absolutely Raging on your behalf.

demirose87 · 12/07/2017 11:05

I agree with most comments on this thread, Guy was in the wrong. I suffered with horrendous period pains before I started having children and still now they can be painful and heavy. However I used to work in a nursery, dealing with parents and professionals and there's no way the manager would have allowed us to use a hot water bottle because it doesn't look professional. I rarely took time off work for periods but I made sure I was on strong painkillers so it didn't affect my work.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/07/2017 11:18

However I used to work in a nursery, dealing with parents and professionals and there's no way the manager would have allowed us to use a hot water bottle because it doesn't look professional

What about a wheat bag? What about if it was for joint pain and not secret women's business? What about if the role did not involve small people who could get burned or was not public facing? What about if it was a hot/cold pack for a tendon injury? Seriously, I don't see the difference, especially if hotties are allowed in the cooler months for all employees as long as they were not being used for icky women's business.

MineKraftCheese · 12/07/2017 11:22

Just read this whole thread and my piss is steam.

It's none of anyone's business! Guy shouldn't even be asking if you're cold or whatever, maybe you were, what does it matter to him?

Agree with pp who suggests emailing HR to ask about days off every month.

It's so medieval! AngryAngryAngry

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/07/2017 11:26

OP if this happened to me I would be nipping out to the shops for a bag full of tampons and then piling them up on my desk.

Then I'd sent up an out of office reply .... "Never has her period today. Anyone who finds this information alarming should wait a few days before contacting her"

Joking. Kind of.

Guy needs to relax a bit. HR were all kinds of unreasonable!

HipsterHunter · 12/07/2017 11:27

She was in pain, really bad pain.

Then to be fair, if you are in really bad pain maybe a sick day isn't uncalled for!

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/07/2017 11:29

Haudyer

If you've truly suffered all of these things, I am baffled at the lack of compassion or sympathetic comments? Interesting that in telling me I'm trying to one up you, you've made an attempt to do exactly that to me.

demirose87 · 12/07/2017 11:31

Yetanotherspartacus, if I had sat hunched over a hot water bottle, wheat bag or anything else, I wouldn't have been able to do my job. It wasn't the hot water that's the problem, if I'm in that much pain and sitting there not doing my job properly, its not professional and I should be at home, or ask to leave the nursery and go and do paper work. A heat pad would be a more discreet option. I for one would not like to let my whole workplace know I'm on my period. However OP was sat behind a desk discreetly using a hot water bottle and carrying on with her job so I think Guy should have used his discretion and common sense.

StormTreader · 12/07/2017 11:33

"My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” "

And the moral of the story is "Dont ask questions you dont want an answer to." The OP didnt volunteer information about "a health condition", she was directly asked.

colourdilemma · 12/07/2017 11:34

I don't work in an office environment so I'm a little lost as to why it would be a problem even if you had disclosed a medical problem. Genuinely don't understand. Does that mean you're not allowed to say you've got a cold or talk about ongoing illness? And if you have a condition you have to either put up and shut up or go home? Although I'm not getting what the problem is, I'd love to understand as the corporate/big organisation world is a mystery to me!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/07/2017 11:35

Yetanotherspartacus, if I had sat hunched over a hot water bottle, wheat bag or anything else, I wouldn't have been able to do my job. It wasn't the hot water that's the problem, if I'm in that much pain and sitting there not doing my job properly, its not professional and I should be at home, or ask to leave the nursery and go and do paper work

Fair enough... but then that applies to equally to other conditions too ... (headaches, toothache, Guy's bad back, coughs and colds...).

demirose87 · 12/07/2017 11:41

yes same goes for any aiment, if you're struggling that bad then you need to go home. I think with periods though people do tend to be more discreet as they're of a more personal nature.

SapphireStrange · 12/07/2017 11:42

To me its just asking for unwanted attention.

Oh eff off. Seriously.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/07/2017 11:45

Didn't the op just say she was in pain. I don't think she said anything else. Guy filled in the blanks

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/07/2017 11:51

yes same goes for any aiment, if you're struggling that bad then you need to go home. I think with periods though people do tend to be more discreet as they're of a more personal nature

In that case then Mr Flat on His Back Guy needs to lead by staying home when he has back pain...

Also, HRs need to lead by encouraging employees to take time off when unwell, providing adequate leave and not penalising those who do take leave.

I'm honestly not sure why dysmenorrhea needs to be considered any more personal than any other ailment.

SapphireStrange · 12/07/2017 11:53

yes same goes for any aiment, if you're struggling that bad then you need to go home.

The OP didn't say she was struggling. She says I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work

UserPlusLongNumber · 12/07/2017 11:53

Is Guy Jewish?

NurseButtercup · 12/07/2017 11:54

Definitely think you should get HR to back up the "stay at home" comment in writing. Without it you'll be up for a disciplinary for regular sickness absences.

I've taken three day's off sick on three separate occasions (all days have fallen on day 1 of my period) in the last 12 months, and I'm now being called in for a formal warning about my sickness absence Hmm

demirose87 · 12/07/2017 11:56

sapphirestrange I am agreeing that the OP was in the right. I was giving another perspective on why a hot water would not be appropriate in some circumstances at work.

Spudlet · 12/07/2017 12:02

If a hot water bottle is considered unprofessional, I dread to think what some posters would have made of the time I threw up then fainted with the pain... then had to brief my boss on a trip she was going on that day while I was prone on the floor, because if I'd got up, I'd have fainted again Confused

A hot water bottle really isn't a big deal!

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