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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be furious for being called out for menstruating at work?

559 replies

Snuffalo · 11/07/2017 15:04

Having horrible menstrual cramps, naproxen isn’t touching it, and I remember I have a hot water bottle in my desk drawer - I used it all winter in my freezing office, and a few other people, male and female, have one as well - we have a rule against personal space heaters so it can be nice to have under your desk next to your feet.

Anyway. I fill the hot water bottle, nestle it in my lap, and I’m back to work. My sort-of-supervisor* we’ll call Guy comes over to talk to me about something, notices the hot water bottle, says “there’s no way you’re cold today, are you?” I say “um, no, just for the pain relief”. He looks confused and then literally horrified and then he walks away.

Less than ten minutes later, I get a Slack message from one of the HR admins (HR is based in another office a few hours away) to say “Guy says you’re not well and should go home, everything OK?”

I say “I’m fine, this is sort of weird, he just looked a bit shocked that I had a hot water bottle, I’ve got cramps, you know how it is.”

She goes silent and then offline completely, ten more minutes later, the HR Director calls me and asks me if I can find a meeting room, which I do. She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable. I’m literally shocked, I explain exactly what happened, she says “yes I understand, if you’re so unwell you need a hot water bottle you should be home, Guy is extremely uncomfortable and it’s unprofessional”. I say “this is weird, ok, anything else”? She’s quite breezy and professional - “No, that’s all, if you’re feeling better that’s great but if you need to, please do go home, OK bye!"

I’m just completely flabbergasted. Especially considering that Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems - which seems to me both unprofessional and likely to make people uncomfortable, not that I really cared personally. I wouldn’t have had my hot water bottle in a client meeting or even if clients were in the office.

Other people have standing desks, weird foot rests, all kinds of chairs and special backrests for their back pain and wrist braces for their wrist pain and a hundred other things and I’m not allowed to have a hot water bottle for my menstrual cramps? Am I right to be completely fucking furious?

*I normally have no problem with Guy, we don’t work closely, no one else does what I do at work but he comes closest and he does my nominal (and always positive) performance reviews and signs off on my holiday.

OP posts:
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Mammylamb · 11/07/2017 21:49

In my office half the women have hot water bottle attached to them. I have it for back pain. No one has ever pulled me up for it

Blowingthroughthejasmineinmymi · 11/07/2017 21:52

Guy has been known to take meetings with clients whilst laying flat on the floor on his back because of back problems

Not read thread op but this made me really belly laugh, fuck off the fuck Guy you prat!

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/07/2017 21:56

Send HR an email asking whether it is now company policy to give all women of child bearing age 5 days off a month in addition to annual leave?

topcat2014 · 11/07/2017 21:58

Mind you, is this the same person who thinks Clarks shoes are to erotically charged for work!

IshipTomHardysohard · 11/07/2017 21:58

I still can't believe that in 2017 there is still men who think it's ok to behave like this, and HR need to also get a grip! Complain op, absolutely crazy Shock

libbyliz83 · 11/07/2017 22:21

Is it possible the hot water bottle was on your knee but higher up to touch your tummy therefore covering your lady parts and guy thought it was a sex injury???

EBearhug · 12/07/2017 02:32

It's been distinctly colder, and our office air-conditioning was still on the levels as if te outside temperature was high 20s, so a HWB wasn't unreasonable at all. Quote a few people in our office have them. No idea if they're using them for periods or other reasons, because I don't care enough to have embarrassed anyone by asking.

I also don't think it's unreasonable to ask about guidelines for when a member of staff should be sent home. Admittedly I'd have thought common sense would say that if someone is talking coherently, then it's fine. If they're gasping in pain or not able to talk in a normal, relaxed way, then they probably aren't really capable of productive work (or driving, or coping with public transport, so...) Checking policies, where the boundaries are, in case things get worse, all fine.

Being horrified about periods - not fine. (Though we don't know exactly what Guy said to HR, and given their reaction, I am not sure I would trust their view on things.) HR just seems bizarre and massively over-reacting, and I think that's where clarification is mostly needed, and the focus of any complaint. They might have had a point if you had been explaining in detail just how much blood there was, the size of any clots or anything, but nothing like that happened.

My father used to lie on the floor or a table at meetings when he'd done his back in. He could still hear, speak and think, and there was always someone else taking notes, so it seemed better than him not attending for weeks.

yourerubberimglue · 12/07/2017 03:36

Maybe you meant constipation cramps? Arsehole man

eatabagofdicks · 12/07/2017 04:52

Sexism can be subtle. I'd be fucking fuming if I was told I was unprofessional for relieving period pain. Can you take a Panadol for a headache? Is that unprofessional? Fucking unbelievable.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/07/2017 04:57

I don't think it's very subtle eat.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/07/2017 04:59

i'm a woman I have periods, however no matter how uncomfortable I am, I am not going to take/use a hot water bottle into work and place if on my stomach! I personally find it unprofessional.

Clearly you don't have a clue about how horrendous period pain can be. Op wasn't uncomfortable. She was in pain, really bad pain. Personally I find it unprofessional to be unable to appreciate how tough some women have it every month.

I was prescribed opioids when I had my period and this went on for a couple of months, so I was puking from the medication as well. Turns out I had a twisted ovary. I was sweating and in agony, couldn't stand up. When I was younger, I also used to pass out with period pain.

You sound like a special snowflake. Are you the HR woman?

eatabagofdicks · 12/07/2017 05:13

@BoomBoomsCousin

No it's not. I guess I was thinking more about the fact that we're questioning it. I.e. is she BU for being annoyed that she was told to go home for having a period/making any mention of her period. Of course she should be fucking annoyed. This kind of bullshit is so ingrained in society as acceptable though that it's actually up for discussion. I don't think I'm articulating myself well. HR should be bloody ashamed of themselves.

Shadow666 · 12/07/2017 05:42

People are often in pain, headaches, toothaches, period pain, bowel pain. I've had an on/off sore ankle for weeks but we are adults. Generally it's up to an individual if they are feeling well enough to work (as long as they aren't contagious). Are you going to report Gary to HR every time he has back ache? Or sneezes? Or farts? He wasn't concerned the OP was in pain, he was uncomfortable with the reason she was in pain.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 12/07/2017 07:32

i'm a woman I have periods, however no matter how uncomfortable I am, I am not going to take/use a hot water bottle into work and place if on my stomach! I personally find it unprofessional

Clearly you don't have a clue about how horrendous period pain can be. Op wasn't uncomfortable. She was in pain, really bad pain. Personally I find it unprofessional to be unable to appreciate how tough some women have it every month

You sound like a special snowflake. Are you the HR woman?

Did that make you feel better Mummyofliitledragon by your sad little passive aggressive pointless comments?

I have Endometriosis, I have had partial oophorectomy, in which I ended up on life support after a blood infection, had more surgeries that I can count, and also had 4th degree tears during both child birth, which even 11 years later I am still under consultant care! I too have passed out due to acute pain, I too have even had a machine breath for me, as I couldn't myself. I too have needed to leave a works meeting and stand up covered in blood wearing a white skirt in front of male colleagues! one of which have me his coat and drove me home

So please stop with the pathetic competition, everyone has there stories to tell, its not a oneupmanship that trumps all.

We all react differently to situations, we all have different life experiences, however just because we disagree on something does not mean I am a special snowflake Hmm Honestly love have a word with yourself!

guestofclanmackenzie · 12/07/2017 08:04

No way is discreetly placing a hot water bottle on your lap under a desk unprofessional!

Jesus I can't believe what I have read! I do believe that Guy, due to his social awkwardness, was actually in his own way trying to help the OP.

OP please tell us you are going to be taking this further? Unbelievable!

Elephant17 · 12/07/2017 08:15

PLEASE complain! This is unacceptable! You didn't say anything graphic, for all he knew you could have pulled a muscle?!

Why do people continue to feel offended by periods, it's so unfair and immature, the fact that it's being backed up by HR in this case is disgraceful! Guy is obviously a fucking loser but HR are a bunch of dicks for going along with it.

I'm truly enraged on your behalf.

PERIODS HAPPEN. GET. OVER. IT.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 12/07/2017 08:29

I would ignore Guy but HR are being ridiculous!

Elephant17 · 12/07/2017 08:30

All these people saying he was trying to do op a favour thinking she was unwell and needed to go home- it's still a really weird thing to do! We are all adults, if we feel the need to go home due to illness we are able to take it up ourselves. All op said to Guy was (after he Unnecessarily questioned her) was that the hot water bottle was for pain relief, she didn't say she felt she needed to go home and needed assistance dealing with it!

CherriesInTheSnow · 12/07/2017 08:30

It makes me deeply sad that there are women who really think that something as inoccuous as a hot watter bottle on your tummy is unprofessional, because shock horror, it might indicate that your are Shock on your period! Shock

It is incredibly immature and petty to think it's unprofessional. People use hot water bottles all the bloody time in offices for cold weather, back pain, cold feet, loads of things. But because OP dared to use one for her period pain it's suddenly awful? Get a grip Hmm

Unprofessional is bad performance, consistent bad time keeping, sloppy dressing, bad hygeine, rude mannerisms.

Unprofessional is not sitting quietly at your desk with a hot water bottle while you get on with your work FFS!

Elephant17 · 12/07/2017 08:38

I see some people think hot water bottle use is unprofessional at work- each to their own and fair enough. But this office doesn't have a no hot water bottle policy, op says lots of people use them in cold weather, so it's pretty unfair for them to say it's ok in one circumstance and not the other ie if she feels the need to use it she should be at home- sort of thing

frieda909 · 12/07/2017 08:40

Guy is a prat, but the real villain here is definitely the HR lady who said you shouldn't discuss any medical problems at work!

I like the idea suggested by a PP of emailing (CCing anyone important who might be interested to hear about this) and asking HR to clarify their 'policy' on this in writing.

CherriesInTheSnow · 12/07/2017 08:40

Just read HaudYer's full comment.

Right, she must be attention seeking, of course, because she is dealing with an issue that relates exclusively to women. So of course that's attention seeking right!

Give me strength.. Hmm

shakingmyhead1 · 12/07/2017 08:41

She then tells me that I shouldn’t disclose my medical problems to anyone who isn’t part of HR as it can make them uncomfortable. ?????
apart from the fact you didnt disclose any medical problem to him in any shape or form.... a period is NOT a medical problem its a natural bodily function like taking a shit is for Guy and you really should have informed them of that

LoveDeathPrizes · 12/07/2017 08:44

OP you were clearly BU. Poor Guy. How was he to know you weren't going to period all over the office like some kind of gory dirty protest.

Elephant17 · 12/07/2017 08:46

If people mean they find hot water bottles unprofessional only when used for pain relief associated with periods- I take back my 'fair enough'.