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AIBU?

To be upset he left the kids but also that she's interfering?

176 replies

user1499779815 · 11/07/2017 14:58

Yesterday I got a message from one of the mum's I talk to on the school run. She said that in the playground at 9am she saw my husband who was dropping out 6 year old daughter off for school. She asked him if I was about because she wanted to borrow something from me. He replied that I was at home but she could walk back with him if she liked. They then both walked back to our house, which is actually next door to the school.
When they got to our house my husband opened the front door and it was clear at that stage that he'd left our 4 year old son in the front room watching telly along with his 18 month old baby sister. I was upstairs in bed, having my weekly lie in and completely unaware that the two younger kids were alone in the front room.
She said that she wanted me to know what he'd done and I thanked her for letting me know. Now I'm gutted, not only that my husband left our kids but above all that he allowed someone to witness this and call in to question our ability as responsible parents. I suspect that the other mum will now go and tell a few people in the school yard that we leave our children unattended and inevitably the story will evolve as it's passed down the line and turn in to something really awful.
My husband says that he was running late and so told our son to just watch telly for 5 minutes and mind his little sister. He was popping next door to the school and would be right back. If he needed anything Mummy was just upstairs. Apparently our little boy was quite happy to be left and when husband returned with friend both kids were just playing quietly and the door to the front room was still closed. He doesn't think it was a big deal because they are both very well behaved.
I've tried to explain to him that it's nothing to do with being good, anything could have happened in his absence, but he thinks I'm overreacting.
Also I can't help but feel slightly annoyed with the other mum, probably because she's unwittingly caught a glimpse of how our laid back approach to parenting has in fact turned out to be just laziness and irresponsibility. I know she'll probably gossip now and I'm so ashamed.
How would you all feel if your husband did this?

OP posts:

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TheAntiBoop · 11/07/2017 15:00

Are you ashamed because an outsider has seen this or are you ashamed that he left the kids without telling you?

Floggingmolly · 11/07/2017 15:01

Why were you having a lie in on a school morning? It's extremely odd that you were upstairs snoring away, completely unaware that two of your children were in the house
Did you dh realise you were there??

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 11/07/2017 15:03

You can't really lie in on a school day you need to be up helping with the 3 kids not leaving one person to do it all

QuiteLikely5 · 11/07/2017 15:04

There is no excuse to leave a 18mos old child unattended.

StickThatInYourPipe · 11/07/2017 15:06

I don't understand why it's unusual for the one lie in of the week to be a school day, obviously the OPs husband is looking after the children on this day, maybe the op works sat/Sun?

Op it's a bit shit but honestly, you were upstairs and the older one could have woken you up. Yes DH was a bit silly but you guys are only human it's not like he left them in a shop or completely alone. Just tell him not to do it again

kaytee87 · 11/07/2017 15:07

Your dh sounds like an idiot. It is never ok to leave kids that young unattended.
Would make me wonder what else he was lax in when you're not there.

hibbledobble · 11/07/2017 15:07

It doesn't sound like the other mum has done anything wrong, you are just assuming she might gossip.

You do need to have a discussion with your husband, and ensure that the children are supervised.

Littlecaf · 11/07/2017 15:08

I don't think it's awful. If I was the friend I wouldn't have said anything or thought badly. You were in the house. Would you have come downstairs if you'd heard anything?

Shoxfordian · 11/07/2017 15:09

I thought you were there? Presumably not unsupervised then? I don't think it's a huge issue

kaytee87 · 11/07/2017 15:09

You can't really lie in on a school day you need to be up helping with the 3 kids not leaving one person to do it all

Perhaps op works back shift the day before and works weekends and is up with the 18mo other nights.
Maybe she does every other school morning herself as he's away to work early.

kaytee87 · 11/07/2017 15:10

shox I don't know about you but I struggle to supervise children when I'm sleeping and unaware they're in the same building as me.

user1499779815 · 11/07/2017 15:11

My husband is a night worker so I get up and deal with the kids and get them off to school and nursery 6 days a week. One day each week, which changes depending on his rota and his day off, I get a lie in and he gets the children breakfasted and off to school.

OP posts:

KoalaDownUnder · 11/07/2017 15:13

Is it really relevant why OP was having her 'lie in' that day? It's not like it's a human right or medical requirement of some sort.

You can't leave an 18-month-old under the 'supervision' of a 4-year-old. You just can't.

SoupDragon · 11/07/2017 15:35

How was it clear to the other mother that you didn't know the children were there?

CardinalCat · 11/07/2017 15:39

I think it's one of thos eunfortunate situatonis where nobody was really in the wrong.

Th emum thought she was dong the right thing, and she did. I don't think it's interfering, and unless she has form as a sgossip, then you have to just hope that she doesn't blab. If she does, ignore/ rise above it.

I don't think your husband has massively covered himself in glory, but I can see how, in his mind, he wasn't leaving them unattended, because you were just upstairs and could have been raised if needed. It wasn't the greatest exercise of judgement, as a four year old might not be able to identify a dangerous situation which would require an adult to be alerted. But I still don't think it's a CALL SOCIAL SERVIES type sin.

Obviously, ignore the people who are calling into question the need for your lie in.

I think you just need to chalk this down to experience and make clear to your dh what you expect in the future (i.e. children not left 'unattended' while you are asleep.)

user789653241 · 11/07/2017 15:39

I think it's self inflicted embarrassment.
Why can't you have a lie in after the kids are off to school/nursery?

SolomanDaisy · 11/07/2017 15:43

Bloody hell, she's allowed a lie in! As far as she was concerned her DH had the kids. Why should she have to get up?

OP, if you haven't responded to her yet just pretend you were up and with the kids. It's none of her business.

StickThatInYourPipe · 11/07/2017 15:47

irvineoneohone you do understand what a lie in is don't you? As in it's not getting up pissing around for 2 hours with the kids then going back to bed.

Why shouldn't her DH sort the children out for one morning a week?

araiwa · 11/07/2017 15:47

A couple of minutes to pop next door whilst mum is upstairs? I wouldnt care

spidey66 · 11/07/2017 15:50

Not a mother, but no worse than being in the back garden hanging the washing out surely?

coldcanary · 11/07/2017 15:55

Lots of pearl clutching about the husband dealing with 3 children on his own here! The OP does it herself every other day so why shouldn't she get one morning off?
OP he should have told you, aside from anything else he would have felt terrible if something had happened while he was out and you were asleep - it needs to be clear that he either takes them or tells you. It was a stupid thing to do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/07/2017 15:56

He would be hanging around in the playground long enough to have a chat etc. So not a quick pop in the garden.

And I'd bet it's not the first time he did it either.

Not cool. And the other woman is right to 'interfere' if she's worried about the children. I would be too.

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HouseworkIsASin10 · 11/07/2017 15:58

Lots of pearl clutching about the husband dealing with 3 children on his own here! The OP does it herself every other day so why shouldn't she get one morning off?

OMG this.

user1499779815 · 11/07/2017 15:59

I think it's the way she approached it with me. Like I needed to know what kind of monster I'm married to. So yes, I'm more ashamed of the fact that an outsider has witnessed what my husband did rather than actually being ashamed he left the kids for five minutes.
Unfortunately she has form as a gossip so I know the info will be passed on, and that in itself upsets me.
I'm not going to justify why I feel the need to have a couple of hours off once a week. We have no family nearby, I look after three young children round the clock all week whilst my husband works 60 hour weeks at night. That's my treat to myself.

OP posts:

HouseworkIsASin10 · 11/07/2017 16:00

Don't be worrying about it. You have done nothing wrong.

Just forget about it.

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