Come hither and please tell me your tales of absoloutley INFURIATING family members to cheer me up!

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I've posted about my mum before. Since then I've been quite disciplined with keeping her at a Mr Tickle armed length.

However at the weekend my poor grandma (mum's mum) had a very nasty fall and broke her collarbone, got to the hospital and it emerged she had a whole host of other problems going in that she'd kept hidden because she didn't want what she would see as medical interference. She's also got a fractured wrist from a previous fall and an infected wound that she'd covered up. She's very ill and weak and not likely to be leaving hospital anytime soon.

So on the back of this, my mum got in contact to beg me to come (I live quite far away) and visit. (Which of course I would!) but she insisted on calling the shots for the whole thing, and as the hospital is a pain to get to and a 40min drive from the station i arrived at I agreed to her picking me up.

I have not been on my own with my mother since a shopping trip at Christmas 2015 where she treated me absoloutley appallingly (I'm useless, I have a horrible choice in clothes, why couldn't I be more like so and so's daughter, that lipstick really ages you etc etc) and when I'd had enough and bit back she pretended to faint in the middle of John Lewis cafe and said I was giving her health problems

Anyway I was more than willing to be calm and accomadating towards my mother since her own mum was so poorly, but the moment I got into the car she started up. (You're brave, I wouldn't have worn shorts at your age) I'm 31 and it was 26 degrees for Christ sake. She then proceeded to tell me all about her own health problems and how she was going to sue her GP for negligence for not providing thyroid medication (test results show she doesn't need it)

I got made redundant last month and worked really hard to secure a new, better job with more money and nicer hours, I got the job on the same day I interviewed, all she had to say about that was 'they must have been quite desperate to get someone quick, or the person they wanted turned it down!

If I visit my home town to see my Dad or my brother and don't inform her of my plans she goes nuts, and has previously asked me to pen her a letter to explain why I am the way I am

She asked after my DP and said 'he's nice and good looking with a good job (we earn the same actually) you've done well there to secure someone like that!' Like I've tricked him into it or something.

She finished off by telling me she's going to seek counselling and CBT to help her get over all the times people have upset her in life and hurt her feelings.... and how she won't take shit anymore from people who are critical of her...

I had quite severe anorexia at 24 and was living at home breifly and she refused to take me to a single appointment, meaning if my appointment didn't tie in with the very sporadic bus timetable I'd walk the 4miles there and 4 back. She never asked me a single thing about any of my appointments pretends the whole thing never happened. When I started to get better, a miracle considering the lack of family support (I wasn't allowed to tell my brothers as it might upset them and my dad doesn't believe in eating disorders being a mental illness) she says 'you've started to put on a bit of weight, thank god, you looked so scrawny and haggered I can't believe you even left the house!

I thankfully got some time alone with my gran (who is lovely and has always had the measure of my mum) but then I had to get back in the car for more of it.

I had 3 large g&t's on the way back.

I'm still reeling from it tbh but please feel free to share any tales with me!

To everyone on here's dealing with difficult relatives and friends.
And you OP you are amazing.

Sorry for my lack of paragraphs in earlier post, I'm using the app and they don't seem to follow through!

I think most of these stories, my own included go beyond infuriating.
My mouth kept dropping open while reading them! It's amazing how used to living with toxic people, we all were at some stage in our lives.

I could write a book on all the awful things my parents ( yes both ) have said and done. Anything from piggy noises when my son ate anything to asking to be my daughters manager if she became a page 3 model, my fridge caused them to have stomach bugs, male friends were not allowed, how i looked, people i dated and married. Worst one was my overdose at not coping anymore to have mother dearest put a letter through my door saying how ashamed she was was of me and how i had ruined a meal for her anniversary ( three weeks after which i attended) she was never proud of me blah blah. I finally grew a pair and cut them off and she sends my sister begging and telling me if i admitted i was wrong and begged forgiveness they would consider having me back over time. Ummmm nah youre alright ill give it a miss !

My mum is a nasty piece of work here are a just a few things she has said over the years.

"I wish I had never had you"
"Why are you so fuing wierd" (I was reading a book and I was 8)
"You'll never be anything other than scum"
"No wonder you get bullied, just look at you" I was 14 an a size 12 so to her massively overweight even though she was a size 24 at the time
"Your arse goes all the way up your back"
"Your an ugly fat slag"
"Why don't you just fk off and kill yourself and save me from the stress?"
"You should of had an abortion ds1 would be better off having me as a mother"
"I have more rights to ds1 than you do so If I wanted I could have social take him off you and given to me because I'm his nan you're just him mum"
"How could you go for an abortion? Your a f*ing murderer!" (Ds2 survived because I didn't take a pill they were supposed to give me)
"Why don't you just hand them (ds1 and ds2) to me and just go jump off a bridge before you turn them into f**k ups like you?"
She also beat me up with the metal pole from the Hoover until I was covered in Bruises. I had to smother my face with makeup at school for weeks
I could go on but honestly I need a break .

My DP's best friend committed suicide out of the blue. MIL was doing stuff like trying to put the film Beaches on (about a best friend's death) and kept getting annoyed at DP for being 'selfish' in grieving instead of giving her attention. Culminated in MIL shouting, DP getting upset and leaving the room while MIL tried to stop me from going to comfort DP while shouting "nobody realises how much I've got going on at the moment. Things been really hard for me recently". I honestly couldn't believe she could be so unfeeling towards her own child.

These days I'm civil but keep her at arm's length and have noticed that the majority of her family do too quietly. She's had mental health issues for years that she's never addressed and has got through by taking advantage of people's generosity then barking about how hard it is for her and how nobody ever helps her. I've given up martyring myself to enable her childish behaviour and won't people please these days.

My mother is a selfish, self centered alcoholic. As a recent example, I asked her how her birthday meal with friends had gone. Turns out one of the women had a mini stroke during the meal. DM's take on the story? " It was a disaster. The waiter had just brought the dessert menus when "X" had a funny turn and fell out of her chair. Of course all the staff were fussing around her and calling an ambulance. I couldn't get their attention, so nobody got any dessert. According to her husband this is the second one she's had, bit of course they hadn't thought to tell me that it I wouldn't have invited them. "X" did put a note through the door apologising the following week, but it was a bit late by then, she'd already ruined the night...."
Just to be clear, this would be rather heartless if it was some random on the other side of the room, but no, it's someone she's been friends with for best part of 50 years! My jaw was hanging open. I'd love to say it's old age or something, but she's always been like this.

Gosh Harriet, so many stories here of toxic family members!

In the case of my Dsis, “tales to cheer me up” is perhaps not the perfect description, however, in a way it’s reassuring to see from this thread that it’s pretty common behaviour. A recurring theme I’ve spotted is that it is often appallingly immature behaviour on their part. I was going to say more appropriate to a seven-year old, but on reflection that would’ve been an insult to seven-year olds…

Thinking about this bad behaviour, I’d be interested to know if other posters here have come across their toxic relative re-writing family history? My sister started this in a small way years ago, and of late it’s got completely out of control.

She often paints a picture where she unsurprisingly comes out smelling of roses. Friends and family often smell a rat, and for me, to my face, she will fabricate a story about an event when I was actually there when of course I know exactly what really happened. When/if challenged, she explodes into a shouting rage about anything vaguely connected.

For some of my sister’s outpourings, just as with Weedsnseeds1, my jaw has been left hanging open many a time.

Some of these are really awful. to everyone.

Huge backstory however this is a nugget. Today at lunch visiting DM said to my DB "you're not photogenic, Mysterycat is photogenic". This was huge as normally the digs are much more subtle. I said to DB I disagree, we are equally photogenic, and what a weird thing to say! DB shrugged and DM looked offended but sensibly kept her trap shut. I am counting that as a victory for common sense.

My God I've just checked back and read the new responses. to everyone. It's horrible isn't it? Can identify with many

Oh God the rewriting of history does my head in. My mum was widowed at 50 and quickly found a new husband. I think her new husband thought my brother and I were the most ungrateful and awful children as my mother told him about this fantasy life we had with my dad. The things she did for us, the trouble we caused her. She was always the open hearted, generous person looking after everyone.

She could weave a story where offering a bed to a relative for a couple of night turned into, "I took them in for months. Found them a house etc etc"

The 're writing history drives me up the wall too my eldest sister does it all the time but it's usually something daft like how much she paid for something and making it more expensive every time she tells you about it lol. My mom denies everything she has said and done and makes out that it never happened and that our childhood was all sunshine and rainbows ! Pffffft if no gas or electricity and empty cubourds for 4 months at a time whilst she is sat downing another bottle of vodka (she spent £70 a week on vodka ) is an amazing childhood then we'll I'd hate to of had a bad one ! x

What about the throwing things back in your face from years ago. We refused to have our children christened.

She said, "oh you've change your tune. You used to be so religious, I thought you was the one that always wanted to be a missionary". I was 6 when I said that, after a missionary visited our Sunday School.

My fucking MIL made me move a very heavy bit of furniture for Sil when I was eight weeks pregnant and recovering from an ankle injury.

I bled, didn't feel comfortable telling them, as I when I said I was in pain I was told 'you're trying to detract from sil' who mil is VERY precious about. I ended up terrefied at the hospital alone after being chastised by DPs family whilst he was working away. It was awful.

I'm still livid.

I have skimmed this post but read a few pages of it.

My 'DM' split the family having an affair when I was 14 . I went with her my siblings stayed with my dad .

Age 16 her partner gropes me
I move back to my dad
It gets reported to police
She stays with him .

Now 32 years old and have ad no relationship with her for a year owing to a lot of other things but I kept forgiving her. I felt I needed a mum . I don't I want a mum and its definitely not her. Me and my DC are happy as a family of 3 without her in our lives sadly her side of the family cut me and my kids out last year too. But I'm done with toxic people.

:( So many horrible stories. to you all :(

I can't be specific as would be outing, but can identify with many situations. Especially the wierd jealousy and rage and terrible accusations if you can't/ won't fit in with their bonkers narrative. Horrific.

Horrible for you, OP, and unless you want to break off contact altogether then maybe just smile or laugh at every horrible/negative comment she makes and don't change anything you do to suit her. In fact I'd go out of my way to do the opposite. Had years of this with my mother, started with her telling us (3 girls) that she hadn't wanted us, she'd wanted boys instead. We were just kids when she said this, and then it continued to go downhill....

The trouble with my mum (well there are many but one thing) is that she blames her mum for being horrible to her...she doesn't seem to connect the fact that she put all of that straight on to me. She always bemoans the fact that she is not close to her own mother but is totally ignorant (or pretends to be) of the fact that I'm sitting there thinking 'yep, I'm sad my mum doesn't give a shit about me too'. So I always worry if I have a daughter what if I just behave like her?! DP says I won't but it's a worry.

When I was 16 and probably trying to get a reaction out of here I said 'when I'm older and I get married you're not even going to come wedding dress shopping with me!' And she said 'good, there's nothing more boring than watching someone try on clothes'. I think I was trying to make her sad that we would never be close. But she really doesn't care, and she sees it as my problem anyway.

If you look on the "Stately homes" thread, you will see that, the fear of being like a bad parent is very prevalent. There is lots of reassurance on there. I lived my early life in this fear. All of my children are in their 40s now and we have a strong and loving and respectful bond.

The only thing my mother taught me was, how not to be a mother. I have chastised my kids when I thought they were doing wrong. I have never used cruel nasty words to them. I have never deliberately humiliated them in front of friend and family. They have never had to hide from me. I never cruelly ruined their days or undermined their successes. I never belittled or said bad things about their dad. I never compared them unfavourably to,everymother child in the world

I have 8 grandchildren being raised by incredibly loving and supportive parents. You can break the patterns if you love your children. I think that anyone epwho acknowledges the fear of repeating their own parents behaviour, is on the right track.

Thank you, I've lurked on there and there's lots of support

I think it's hard when you finally realise that however hard you try there's a point where you have to let it go and accept there'll never be a relationship there

Only time we've ever got on is when it's totally on her terms and I'm pretty much a compliant mute with no personality. Which is not that appealing tbh.