Come hither and please tell me your tales of absoloutley INFURIATING family members to cheer me up!

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I've posted about my mum before. Since then I've been quite disciplined with keeping her at a Mr Tickle armed length.

However at the weekend my poor grandma (mum's mum) had a very nasty fall and broke her collarbone, got to the hospital and it emerged she had a whole host of other problems going in that she'd kept hidden because she didn't want what she would see as medical interference. She's also got a fractured wrist from a previous fall and an infected wound that she'd covered up. She's very ill and weak and not likely to be leaving hospital anytime soon.

So on the back of this, my mum got in contact to beg me to come (I live quite far away) and visit. (Which of course I would!) but she insisted on calling the shots for the whole thing, and as the hospital is a pain to get to and a 40min drive from the station i arrived at I agreed to her picking me up.

I have not been on my own with my mother since a shopping trip at Christmas 2015 where she treated me absoloutley appallingly (I'm useless, I have a horrible choice in clothes, why couldn't I be more like so and so's daughter, that lipstick really ages you etc etc) and when I'd had enough and bit back she pretended to faint in the middle of John Lewis cafe and said I was giving her health problems

Anyway I was more than willing to be calm and accomadating towards my mother since her own mum was so poorly, but the moment I got into the car she started up. (You're brave, I wouldn't have worn shorts at your age) I'm 31 and it was 26 degrees for Christ sake. She then proceeded to tell me all about her own health problems and how she was going to sue her GP for negligence for not providing thyroid medication (test results show she doesn't need it)

I got made redundant last month and worked really hard to secure a new, better job with more money and nicer hours, I got the job on the same day I interviewed, all she had to say about that was 'they must have been quite desperate to get someone quick, or the person they wanted turned it down!

If I visit my home town to see my Dad or my brother and don't inform her of my plans she goes nuts, and has previously asked me to pen her a letter to explain why I am the way I am

She asked after my DP and said 'he's nice and good looking with a good job (we earn the same actually) you've done well there to secure someone like that!' Like I've tricked him into it or something.

She finished off by telling me she's going to seek counselling and CBT to help her get over all the times people have upset her in life and hurt her feelings.... and how she won't take shit anymore from people who are critical of her...

I had quite severe anorexia at 24 and was living at home breifly and she refused to take me to a single appointment, meaning if my appointment didn't tie in with the very sporadic bus timetable I'd walk the 4miles there and 4 back. She never asked me a single thing about any of my appointments pretends the whole thing never happened. When I started to get better, a miracle considering the lack of family support (I wasn't allowed to tell my brothers as it might upset them and my dad doesn't believe in eating disorders being a mental illness) she says 'you've started to put on a bit of weight, thank god, you looked so scrawny and haggered I can't believe you even left the house!

I thankfully got some time alone with my gran (who is lovely and has always had the measure of my mum) but then I had to get back in the car for more of it.

I had 3 large g&t's on the way back.

I'm still reeling from it tbh but please feel free to share any tales with me!

Oh I do feel for you Harriet. The word for these people is TOXIC, and boy can they be destructive within the family!

My sister has spent many many years hurting people in exactly this way. In her view, she is perfect and ‘everyone else’ is the problem.

It’s true to say that she has experienced some pain in her life that she didn’t deserve, but then others around her, including me, have equally had to endure their own problems. The difference being that she spits venom everywhere, whereas we’ve all got on with dealing with life’s ups and downs.

She was particularly cruel in dealing with mum’s twilight years. As her ‘carer’ she was a saint - DBro and I were awful and useless of course. Sooo much unpleasantness generated for no good reason. Mum revealed to me that in reality she carried out precious little care for her, and in general couldn’t wait to get out of the door.

In all, for toxic relatives, I suppose you have to decide whether to break contact or not. My approach has always been absolute minimum contact.

I’ll always remember sitting with mum after her knee op. Still getting over the effects of the anaesthetic she let her usual composure slip somewhat, describing DSis as ‘childish, vindictive and vitriolic’ and cheerfully added: “Y’know, she’s basically a thoroughly unpleasant person…”.

Had to at those comments!

I finally called DF up on his favouritism towards DSis. I got a rant accusing me of being childish and my favourite- "after all I've done for you".
I know it's minor compared to what a lot of people here have been through but it's stopped me feeling guilty about not making the 6 hour journey to his much.

Sil of many decades texts me to say I've called her new partner a Peter file and I must await legal action. Absolutely untrue!

Years ago there was a family argument, which started because my mother wanted us all to pay attention to her and not do things like work or wash or eat (unless it was food she'd made for us when we said we weren't hungry.)

A few weeks later she phoned me and told me my father had cancer, which had been caused by all the stress I'd caused him through the argument.

I asked what treatment he'd been prescribed and after much mumbling and avoidance it turned out he hadn't even been to the GP yet, so hadn't been diagnosed with anything, let alone a stress-induced cancer.

When I told her it was terrible of her to tell me he had cancer when he hadn't even been to see his doctor yet she said she hadn't said that, and she didn't know where I'd got that from. And then she said I'd always been a nasty piece of work, and that she had never liked me.

I emailed my father to ask what was going on, and in his reply he called me names and said how much I'd upset my mother who had now had another very bad stroke (she hadn't) and wasn't expected to live, but I wasn't allowed to go and see her.

That was several years ago. She hasn't died yet, he still doesn't have cancer, and she's had several more very bad strokes since, none of which doctors have been able to diagnose or prove.

And that, my dears, is (partly) why I don't see my parents anymore. It's lovely not having to deal with them.

My mothers response if I ever tell her I'm poorly/sick/injured: "IM SICK TOO!"

She's actually jealous when her own child is sick or injured or suffering!

After we decorated she came in and said (without being asked what she thought) "hmm, I wouldn't have put that there, I would have painted it X colour, I'm not really keen on that painting". I ignored about 10 mins of this, after which point I bit back with "well I didn't actually ask you for a critique on our decor, why can't you just say something polite about it?" ………….. which launced her into a rant about how I "silence" her, and she was "just having an opinion, I AM allowed to have an opinion you know" before getting all huffy and answering everything like "do you want a cup of tea" with "I can't say I'm not allowed to speak and say what I think"

Yawn.

My niece, sadly. She's 21.

I wanted to start a thread about it but I'm not strong enough just yet.

Her mum, my beautiful sister, passed away a few weeks ago & everything has changed.

My sister had been ill for months, we all cared for her, cooked meals, did things with the children (niece's siblings), but in the aftermath of the funeral she has thrown it all in our faces, said some awful cruel things & worst of all, banned us from placing flowers or anything on her mum's grave.

I know she's grieving, as are we, but some of the things she has accused us of is totally heartbreaking.

When my mum died very suddenly, my (now ex) mil said to me 'there, there, I'll be your mum now'. She's a sodding arse and if I hadn't been in shock I'd have lamped the twat.

That's awful YouTheCat

My mother died last year. When the inheritance was paid out, my brother asked me what I was going to do with the money. I told him I had already given it all to my kids. It would have choked me to spend a penny of that money,

I cared for her and my equally ungrateful Stepfather for over 50 years. They were nasty and viscious and I have no idea why I just never walked away, She would tell me from when I was young, "oh you had better be good, you will inherit this house one day". "This house" that my wonderful father died paying for. Working Overtime when he was so sick he could hardly stand. Just to pay the mortgage in a fancy house that he hated.

I was literally psyching myself up to get in touch with my mum tonight after 12 months of very low contact after she said some horrifically hurtful things about me in front of my kids (I'm useless, ungrateful, a 'nut job' because I had some counselling and it's my fault she wishes she'd not woken up after cancer surgery).

I've been so much freer since I cut her out, I think I'll leave it for tonight...

When I was 18 I got a catalogue. My mum ordered a load of stuff and told me it hadn't been delivered, although she later admitted it had, she just wasn't going to pay for it. I couldn't afford it either, so I had to lie to the catalogue people every time they contacted me.

My grandmother put my aunt in a home, sold her house out from under her, took all her money, watched her beg to come home, and let her die alone, and surrounded by strangers. Stole our inheritance, currently sat in a three bedroom house, while the rest of us struggle. And I'm still expected to talk to her, because if I tell her how I feel, I'm the one in the wrong.

Fucking families!

After 8 years of trying and several rounds of fertility treatment, I got pregnant. After 8 weeks, on Christmas Day, I miscarried the first of the twins I was carrying. The second was found to have died and I had an ERPC.
When I got home from the hospital my mother phoned to bitch at me because I'd forgotten her wedding anniversary. And yes, she knew the exact reason why. Then she wanted to know if I'd cover for her at work (for no pay) while she swanned off for a month. I wish I could say I said no...
We no longer have a relationship and I like it that way.

I had a small thread about this a while ago. I told my mum about an interview I got at work and the best she could think of to say was "maybe their just covering their butts cos your the only woman who applied" (I work in a male dominated sector)

I didn't bother telling her I didn't get it... I was actually over the moon about it all cos getting an interview was an achievement in itself.

Didn't bother telling her I was awarded a substantial payrise due to my performance review either, what's the point she'll just shit on that too.

It's quite funny really cos she works for an equality charity

I had cancer.

Told my closest friends.
One sent a post card saying she wasn't going to talk to me while I was ill. She might contact another friend of mine for updates (other friend didn't know at the time). I was angry & upset, so infantilising when so many decisions are being made for you by experts.
We've not spoken since.

Major surgery, complications, more surgery, discharged, complications.
Friend called. Talked for an hour about her holiday & her dating woes. Didn't ask how I was or anything about me. I've never spoken to the selfish, self centred cow since.

Turns out that when the chips are down some "friends" are far from it.
Others were amazing, acquaintances & people I barely knew were supportive emotionally & practically. I'm so thankful for them.

Once a year I used to take my dcs to see my mother usually during the summer for a weekend, we were low contact but used to have lots of phone conversations and she would come and visit.
During this visit we turned up after a 3hr car journey we were staying just the 2 nights, me and 3 kids. She asks if we've eaten and I say no, she looks in the fridge and asks if they eat pate, I say do you have ham or cheese? And she says I don't know what children eat, I don't have any.

Well who the eff are me and my brother then ? I swear to god this must be what she tells people! She repeatedly told me she shouldn't have had children when I was young and I don't disagree with her. She is a terrible mother

Oh and I lasted 24 hrs and then left.

I have been told off in the last month for wearing "too bright" clothes.

I am forty-eight!

And at least that's less toxic than most of the rubbish I have had over the years.

for all of you. I know you are making jokes about this stuff, but I also know that it's not really funny.

A few memorable (unfortunately) quotes from my mother (am loathe to call her "my" mother. Ugh).

Don't bend over - it'll be a total eclipse
Dont' tell my friends you haven't got a boyfriend - you might think it's clever but I don't
"Don't know much about history. Don't know much about geography" - sung to me when I did badly in my o levels
Why doesn't anyone ever fancy you?
Those shoes are really common
I thought you'd get married to xxxx just to spite me
If you marry xxxx you'll have yellow babies
Xxxx is short, common and ugly

She was a totally delight. Obviously all of this was my fault and I was far too sensitive.

She also faked choking when me and dh got engaged. Then she asked me to take chocolates to the man in the restaurant that gave her the Heinrich manoeuvre. I truly wish that she'd died right there.

My gran has never been a loving woman. She told my mum she wanted 4 boys (had 3 boys and a girl) and has told her maybe 3 times in her whole life that she loves her.

She thinks that everybody should do what they first trained for even though she has not followed that herself. She did her national service in the RAF then left but goes to all the veteran concerts, so why didn't she stay in? Slates my dad for not staying in the police force, me for not being a vet (I did an animal management college course, not vet school which she somehow thinks I did), my mum for not being a secretary after the money she paid to go to college for it. Etc etc.

She has an English accent but is Irish, I still have no idea why because her sisters had a very strong Irish accent. Probably won't actually find the truth about her life as both her sisters died and cannot access family records as they were destroyed in a fire.

She kept asking if I was wearing white on my wedding day 😒 I therefore couldn't tell her we were living together before we got married otherwise she would have a fit.

I think this behaviour might be linked to a traumatic childhood but I will never find out because she keeps changing her stories. My poor grandad doesn't even know the truth; plus I grew up thinking his name was Bill but turns out it's Antony 😑

When I was 12yrs old my best friend and I would often spend an hour or two with my grandmother on a Saturday night.
I had always had complicated feelings about her, part love, part anger because she regularly made fun of or berated my father in some way.
On this particular Saturday we were playing a game of cards and chatting, when suddenly she told me that I was an unplanned pregnancy, my mother and father were not married when I was conceived and my mother had planned to leave me in a Scottish orphanage ( we live a LONG way from Scotland)
Not content with this bombshell, she continued to proclaim that this awful state of affairs was the reason my grandfather had 'got cancer' and subsequently died.

I didn't tell my parents for many years.
I was lucky to have a very loving and secure childhood and even at that young age could see that regardless of their initial problems my parents were extremely happy and loved me very much. My grandmother was for some reason desperately jealous of our happy family and in particular my wonderful father.
I was more affected when my own children were born as I just couldn't imagine being so vindictive to my own daughter.

Mine was a version of Hyacinth Bouquet - I was the black sheep, and did everything I could to spite her. She had a family member who was a multi millionaire and the fawning over dear 'Robert' was sickening. Of course I never measured up to him, but who was the mug that was there on her death-bed? And where was 'Robert' ? On his yacht, not giving a shit

Two days before my sister's wedding my mother convinced her gp she had so much pain in her eye she needed sending to hospital. She told everyone it was a suspected brain tumour. It was another of her hypochondriac attention seeking lies.
The day before my wedding I had gastroenteritis, gp gave me meds but unbeknownst to me DM, rang told her I was getting worse and insisted I was sent to A&E.
The day of another siblings wedding she hid when it came to family photos so that everyone had to search for her, it took an hour to find her hidden in her room not answering the phone or door and further time spent begging her to come down for pictures.
Another siblings wedding she wouldn't allow them to get ready in family home, this was to try and spite her own in-laws and make sure that they wouldn't be able to pop in as was the norm before weddings.
Final siblings wedding, she told a sensitive secret of a different sibling to other people making sure it caused worry and upset on the day.

Every single situation has to be about her, the attention has to be on her no matter who is ill/dying/getting married etc. It drives her mental when she hasn't got a starring role and this is followed by unbelievable histrionics.

After years of head wrecking dramas I finally went low contact when she wished my family dead in a roundabout way.
Life is so easy and stress free since. The rest of my siblings are similar and it drives her mad but there's nothing she can do.

This one is going back a bit but when I was sitting my GCSEs my batshit crazy narcissistic mother, who was always on about how if I wanted qualifications and a career I would have to sacrifice a relationship and family life () invited my boyfriend to stay, in the middle of my exams, then invented an argument with him and made me choose between dumping him or being thrown out.

I still passed all the exams with top marks