Come hither and please tell me your tales of absoloutley INFURIATING family members to cheer me up!

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I've posted about my mum before. Since then I've been quite disciplined with keeping her at a Mr Tickle armed length.

However at the weekend my poor grandma (mum's mum) had a very nasty fall and broke her collarbone, got to the hospital and it emerged she had a whole host of other problems going in that she'd kept hidden because she didn't want what she would see as medical interference. She's also got a fractured wrist from a previous fall and an infected wound that she'd covered up. She's very ill and weak and not likely to be leaving hospital anytime soon.

So on the back of this, my mum got in contact to beg me to come (I live quite far away) and visit. (Which of course I would!) but she insisted on calling the shots for the whole thing, and as the hospital is a pain to get to and a 40min drive from the station i arrived at I agreed to her picking me up.

I have not been on my own with my mother since a shopping trip at Christmas 2015 where she treated me absoloutley appallingly (I'm useless, I have a horrible choice in clothes, why couldn't I be more like so and so's daughter, that lipstick really ages you etc etc) and when I'd had enough and bit back she pretended to faint in the middle of John Lewis cafe and said I was giving her health problems

Anyway I was more than willing to be calm and accomadating towards my mother since her own mum was so poorly, but the moment I got into the car she started up. (You're brave, I wouldn't have worn shorts at your age) I'm 31 and it was 26 degrees for Christ sake. She then proceeded to tell me all about her own health problems and how she was going to sue her GP for negligence for not providing thyroid medication (test results show she doesn't need it)

I got made redundant last month and worked really hard to secure a new, better job with more money and nicer hours, I got the job on the same day I interviewed, all she had to say about that was 'they must have been quite desperate to get someone quick, or the person they wanted turned it down!

If I visit my home town to see my Dad or my brother and don't inform her of my plans she goes nuts, and has previously asked me to pen her a letter to explain why I am the way I am

She asked after my DP and said 'he's nice and good looking with a good job (we earn the same actually) you've done well there to secure someone like that!' Like I've tricked him into it or something.

She finished off by telling me she's going to seek counselling and CBT to help her get over all the times people have upset her in life and hurt her feelings.... and how she won't take shit anymore from people who are critical of her...

I had quite severe anorexia at 24 and was living at home breifly and she refused to take me to a single appointment, meaning if my appointment didn't tie in with the very sporadic bus timetable I'd walk the 4miles there and 4 back. She never asked me a single thing about any of my appointments pretends the whole thing never happened. When I started to get better, a miracle considering the lack of family support (I wasn't allowed to tell my brothers as it might upset them and my dad doesn't believe in eating disorders being a mental illness) she says 'you've started to put on a bit of weight, thank god, you looked so scrawny and haggered I can't believe you even left the house!

I thankfully got some time alone with my gran (who is lovely and has always had the measure of my mum) but then I had to get back in the car for more of it.

I had 3 large g&t's on the way back.

I'm still reeling from it tbh but please feel free to share any tales with me!

I had to sell my house, leave my job and town, grown up DD and little GS and move some distance away due to some horrible circumstances. It was one of the most traumatic things I'd gone through and I was a bit of a wreck. Parents visited and I'd done what I could to make my little home lovely. 'Ooh' says DM with a smirk, 'You've certainly got a way of landing on your feet'!!

Well I'm glad it's not just me!

I think I have to laugh at some of the things my mum comes out with. If I didn't, I'd cry. For a very long time.

Your doing great, to cope with all this.
I am sure it was worth the effort to see your Gran, and I bet she loved seeing you. Well done on getting better and building a better life, and on the DP, you managed to snag with you lovely personality...
Your mum sounds like she has no flip switch for filtering out unkind words, maybe everytime she says something you should say "that;s nice" ,like Mrs Brown.
There is a way to deal with nasty comments, you agree with her over everything, then say but and what ever you want.
Your brave wearing shorts,
Yes I am Brave, but it's so hot I decided I would rather wear them and be cool, than cover up and wear jeans and melt.

A week after my Dad died, FiL came round and insisted I watched some cheesy song on his iPad called "Dance with my father". Some mawkish drivel about never dancing with your Dad again.

I remained defiantly dry eyed and just shrugged and said it wasn't really my thing, and FiL got all huffy and accused me of being cold hearted, at which point I beat the fucker to death with aforementioned iPad.

Okay, part of that last sentence might be a lie.

I can't go into details as they are very specific and easily recognisable and I like to keep real life separate (so that I can vent on MN!).

However I have a relative who is VERY difficult and I sympathise. The feelings of guilt and obligation are very powerful. I maintain an arm's length relationship for my own mental health. There have been a lot of tears and bust ups to get to this stage though and it was only after DH gently pointed out to me that I was allowing this person to treat me badly, that the lightbulb went on and I realised that I didn't have to speak to them, visit them or listen to them. It is hard though. I can't break the contact completely (it is very complicated and involves other people).

TinklyLittleLaugh that's horrendous. You'd have been well within your rights for some iPad beating!

Thanks Whodoesthis I do need to master the art of deflection when it comes to her. I usually just go quiet as I'm quite introverted wonder why and I don't trust myself to speak sometimes in case she sees she's upset me so much.

Not as bad as some of these examples, but SIL found out what resort we were going to on our family holiday last year and booked it for the same week

After a series of incidents that would have earned me a get out of jail free card for bludgeoning her to death, I took my mother into mediation to try to find a way to manage her passive aggressive destructiveness. In the hope that she could have a relationship with my (then 9 month old) DD.

After a 20 minute rant on the state of my bedroom when I was a teenager (I was 36 at the time of the meeting. I hadn't lived in my mother's house for 20 years) and her stated intention to tell my daughter what an ungrateful and horrible person I had always been, the mediator gently encouraged me to skip the rest of the session, walk away and enjoy my new family

You have my empathy OP. And huge respect for your self control

Coffee that sounds a lot like my mum. She's never gotten over the biggest transgression of my entire life which was when she saw me smoking a roll-up (she maintains it was a spliff, it wasn't) that was what house-parties were for in town when I was 17 and she was apparently so embarrassed she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her and she says that's why I didn't do very well in my A-levels

A lot of arguments and attempts at reconciliation in the past have for some reason lead back to this fairly minor teenage event.

My DP.. CL... calls his kids and lectures them on Random stuff.
He told one of the girls she could marry another girl if she wanted and not to worry if she couldn;t find a job as her mum won;t chuck her out.
The child told him she was in a relationship with a boy and was accepted for UNI.
Way to go daddy.

I had a hard time of my GCSE education. A combination of poor self confidence, some weak teaching and a serious exam phobia. I worked my little backside off and got 5 As, 4 Bs and one D. My DMs first response was to ask what the D was. I am now 44 and have a very impressive (say it myself!) post doctorate education. My DM still refers to my GCSE failure.

Harriet it's so sad your mum can;t enjoy the woman you became, she is missing out on all the fun of shared memories that are good ones.

Somewhere in her past she started to focus on all the bad things, and that means she can't see past them, maybe you could write down all the happy memories you have of childhood and send it too her,

When my mate was murdered at a party I was at and dealing with the aftermath and a trial, my dm tore strips off me for keeping only one goldfish ad and how cruel it was. .
Reminded me why I had been nc for ten years. Stuck her out for 2 years then went nc again with memo to self to never go there again.

5 years later life is blissful.

God if it wasn't for the fact that my own GM was dead already, I'd have wondered if you and I were related.

Except of course my sister never had the crap from my M that I did.

You seriously won't ever get anything positive from having your M in your life, she will drag you down.

Consider Low contact or No contact, it's a liberation

HarrietKettleWasHere, it's strange, your mother sounds similar and yet quite opposite to mine. She would also declare her children were causing her health problems (she was a hypochondriac who also thought she had every illness other people around her had). No one else was allowed to be ill, when I told her I was suffering depression a few years back, she replied 'what the hell do you have to be depressed about'. Charming.

However, she would have been thrilled to catch me smoking as a teen. Apparently I was boring. Oh and also possibly autistic and a lesbian, because I'd not had a boyfriend by the age of 15 - she was 'already fully sexually active' by that age (excuse me while I vomit). I was also a failure because of my incompetence with maths (even though she also couldn't add 2 plus 2 to save her life), it was no wonder I didn't have friends as no one likes a failure.

She'd still be insulting me know if I hadn't gone NC. No one needs that much poison in their lives.

This is such a revelation. My mother is actually not as bad as some here, but I thought she was unbelievably awful. She makes crass tactless and hurtful remarks on a regular basis. She is someone who doesn't want to put herself out at all for others, and only thinks of her own self interest. If there is something in it for her, she will do it, otherwise forget it. She belittles everything I do , and when she gives praise it is in a forced way which doesn't really convince. She's never been there for me . At times in my life when things go really wrong she is nowhere to be seen and makes brush off remarks. She hasn't seen my children in years and doesn't seem to want to. We have taken her out for meals on several occasions and she ignores me and directs all her conversation at my husband. On one occasion I went out for lunch with her and my daughter to celebrate my birthday. She sat scowling and sulking and then expected me to foot the bill.
I don't like her as a person and dread spending time with her. It's so very sad.

Definitely got the hypochondriac thing going on Edmund!

She's had everything wrong with her under the sun, but if anyone else is ill they are 'milking it' or 'making a fuss over nothing'. She goes in for gluten free things too for no reason other than it prompts someone to ask her why and she can tell them about how she suffers with her digestive system so terribly (although will happily eat wheat and gluten if there's no one around to ask her)

We had a big show down once abd she screamed at me that she probably had cancer and how dare I talk like that to such a sick woman. I felt awful. She did and does not have cancer.

oh and she also focuses on my perceived failures as a teenager, and never lets me forget them either.

And I thought my parents were bad!! I have nothing on you guys!!

I think the best way to deal with these people is to pull them up on their rude behaviour. Every. Single. Time.

I like shorts. It's hot. Everyone tells me I look great in them, don't you think so then?

No, they weren't desperate, I was the best person for the job. I'm good at what I do and I earn the same as DP.

DP tell me he loves me and is lucky to have me. I guess that's why I'm looking so healthy now, as I have his unwavering support. It's amazing what having someone really behind you like that in your life can do.

And so on! Defend yourself, praise yourself up! You're not a kid anymore and you don't need to take her crap.

Yup, hypochondria/remarkably well timed health crises brought on by being challenged or merely questioned on her behaviours. We have much in common.

And mine too was super duper attentive to my long term partner whilst ignoring me. Right up until he finally put his foot down about her irrational behaviour...

Not one single member of my (banned from contacting me directly) family can address a card to our DD using her full name because my mother has refused to disclose it. She has her father's surname you see. That woman takes her shitlist VERY seriously

6 years NC. Utter, utter bliss

Little sister (always a bit self centred and greedy) married a man who nurtured this trait, also bringing his deeply suspicious nature to the relationship.
They saw a house they just had to have (but couldn't afford) and got Ddad to lend them a huge amount of money promising to pay him back by such and such a date.
That date came and went, they didn't pay Ddad back using the money to fund improvements. at this point DDad finally told me ans older sister about this. He was very worried about getting the money returned, and although he had had a promisiary note drawn up when the money was loaned was worried about the emotional and financial toll of getting the money back.
He was suffering from cancer at the time.
He died (three days before he died he was fretting about getting a solicitor in to the hospice, to cut younger sis out of his will, we persuaded him not to as we couldn't cope with it)
Fast forward a few weeks Older sis and I are Executors, younger sis needs to see all " the paperwork". It was after examining all the passbooks she decided and was encouraged by her DH, to take us to Court for mis-appropriating funds from my fathers estate!
All a load of rubbish, and it was proved so!
It was still our fault for not being "open" with her, she had access to all details.

Our family will never recover, her continuing bad behaviour for which she takes no responsibility has rippled out to the extended and wider family, very few talk to her and she is not included in any family gatherings.

Step dad's business (my job) got into financial difficulties. Mum got £20K in loans in MY NAME. I unwittingly signed a paper or two as I worked for them. (I was very young/naive and never thought for a hot second my own mum would fleece me)

They didn't pay a penny back. Ever. Mum even pretended to be me when the debt collectors called and admitted on my behalf that I owed the money. They gave the debt collectors my address and phone number and shrugged when I said they needed to start fucking paying the money back. (Stepdad earns anything up to £70k a year sometimes. Got £26K inheritance at one point too. Still refuse to pay back their loans.)

They shrugged and said, "Just go bankrupt! Ugh!"

My in laws invited us to stay with them when DS was very small. I had a hellish, near fatal (for me) birth, two stays in intensive care, life threatening complications and an emergency hysterectomy at 32.

When I came out after the hysterectomy (and a fortnight in HDU) , in laws offered us to stay with them so they could help look after us. My mum is dead and my family are hundreds of miles away, so we gratefully though warily took them up on the offer.

Two days in and SMIL flips her lid. Kicked us out (and 6 wk old DS) while screaming and shouting that no one had thought about her needs and no one liked her. Just to make sure she was centre of attention she threw some stuff in a bag and did a hand brake turn up the road whilst sobbing. In the rain.

It's never been mentioned since. We all act like everything is fine. I will never trust her.