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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If your DC was born on an older DC birthday.....

122 replies

Babyiwantabump · 11/07/2017 01:06

Who would you expect your DH/OH/BF to spend the majority of the day with? And the day after?

You and the newborn? Or older DC? Or equally shared?

OP posts:

Shadow666 · 11/07/2017 12:16

I think it would have been fine for the husband to pop to the party, give her the presents and wish her a happy birthday, and then come home but it was crap of him to go back again in the evening.

DecoRules · 11/07/2017 12:22

Very sad situation but make sure DSC knows it was their mother who said they were not to be told. No reason for you to be the bad guy.

HeyRoly · 11/07/2017 12:24

So it was your partner's ex who said there was to be strictly no mention of the new baby because DD would be upset?

I think she was projecting.

The girl is only nine and was bound to be nothing but excited about the baby and how special it is to share a birthday.

Oh well, you can't change it now. But it's the ex's fault for creating negativity around the baby when that wasn't the children's feelings at all.

Notreallyarsed · 11/07/2017 12:25

It sounds like the ex is being unfair. And I say that as someone who's DS1 has a step mum. If she were to have a baby on DS1s birthday I wouldn't do what has happened in your situation.

Shadow666 · 11/07/2017 12:31

Also, next year talk to the step daughter and ask her how she wants to handle sharing a birthday with the baby. She must have known the baby would be born on or nearly on her birthday, so the smart thing to have done would have been to talk to her beforehand and get a feel for how she felt about the whole situation. Some people would be really thrilled to share a birthday with a new sibling, some might be jealous, but you can't just assume. As has been said, families are often a juggling act but good communication among the adults and the children helps a lot.

andintothefire · 11/07/2017 12:54

I would expect a new father to be prepared to be present to support a new mother through the pain and emotions all of the day of birth and probably most of the day afterwards (at least until the new mother said that she was happy for the father to go elsewhere - which in this case the OP very reasonably did). It's not just about the newborn baby IMHO, but about supporting your partner through one of the most difficult, frightening and painful experiences of her life.

Of course the 9 year old daughter (and the other half siblings) deserve lots of extra fuss and attention, but that could have been dealt with by the father popping to the party, bringing them to meet the baby the next day, and a special day out with him a few days later.

Personally I would be quite upset if I were in the OP's position. I can understand why the ex wanted the birth to be kept quiet on the actual birthday, but I'm baffled about why you weren't allowed to say anything the next day. The father has just as much right to decide and assess when his daughter should be told something so important.

Whichwayyisup · 11/07/2017 14:03

How do you get on with your OH's ex generally, OP?

BTW, I don't think you are being U at all. In fact I would be very upset about the whole situation if it were me.

Artisanjam · 11/07/2017 14:10

In the circumstances, I think your DH's ex was UR and you were not.

it is difficult when you have older children and a new baby, and I think your DH was absolutely right to go to his older DC's party but it was utterly bonkers not to tell your older DC and allow her to meet the new baby (if you were up to it) and try to make it into another birthday present for her!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/07/2017 14:15

Given the update I think your DH's ex was unreasonable. I don't see why your DSD couldn't have met the baby either at the end of her birthday or the next day. I agree with a PP that you will need to speak to your DSD about her birthday next year to make sure its handled more sensitively than this time.

MrsPringles · 11/07/2017 14:22

Your DH's ex was BU. You've been very gracious about it, I would be fuming

Groupie123 · 11/07/2017 15:19

Don't see why the blame can't be placed where it belongs. You don't have to be the bad guys just explain that it was DSD's mum's decision and to raise it with her.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 11/07/2017 15:21

we have still ended up being the bad guys in the situation because SDC feels we hid the news from them. But we only did it because SDC mum wanted us to do that

You are the bad guys, to the kid. Why would you be crazy enough to go along with that? Does your OH always do what the women around him tell him too? What a sap.

Original poster

Babyiwantabump · 11/07/2017 16:31

Because we were trying to do the best for SDC and her mum told us that this would be the best way . She was adamant that we were not to tell SDC until she said to.

It's so difficult because no matter what we would have done I feel that SDC mum would have made us out to have handled it wrong . And because of that I'm regretting the way it was handled , and how OH missed out on those first few hours with DS and for what? He effectively didn't spend any time with me or DS until the Monday as the rest of the weekend was spent celebrating SDC birthday and he left me in the hospital while I was still being sutured so he could rush off to be with SDC and family at the party.

And that makes me feel sad .

This was nearly two years ago by the way . And SDC has never forgiven me for what I did (ha!)

OP posts:

Montsti · 11/07/2017 16:40

I would expect dh to be at the birth but I would then encourage him to spend the day with the older dc....I can look after the baby myself and they'll only want/need to be with the mother anyway...it'll be a much bigger deal for the older child not to be with their dad than the baby...

My c section (I'm currently pregnant with no.4) was going to be scheduled on my eldests 8th birthday but I've managed to persuade my obstetrician to bring it forward by 3 days in order to avoid this...fortunately having an elcs so that's possible...as I have another child (no.3) born a week later...

Notreallyarsed · 11/07/2017 16:44

OP tell them that it was their mum who insisted they didn't find out. Not in a negative way or anything, but they're angry with you and that's not fair. Tell them if they're upset about it to bring it up with their mum since it was at her insistence they weren't told.

Groupie123 · 11/07/2017 16:53

If it happened 2 years ago, chances are your DSC aren't forgiving you out of spite, so there are probably other reasons behind it. Best you can do now is reiterate that it was your mum's idea whenever it comes up, and if she's still bitter about it to go to her.

PurplePeppers · 11/07/2017 18:32

If they are angry at you, then it means that somehow they have been told it was your idea...

Your DH need to make it very clear to dsc what has happened and why, incl the role of their mum.

I would also not give as much power to dsc mum in what is actually something about YOUR family. Up to you how you handle the relationship between your dc and dsc. Not her.

Original poster

Babyiwantabump · 11/07/2017 22:19

See that's where the problem lies .

DSC mum has all the power - if we don't do exactly as she says she withholds contact .

So if we hadn't kept new baby birth a secret then DSC Birthday would have been cancelled as party was with OH family and she would have stopped DSC from going .

It has been that way from the very beginning and we have been together nearly 10 years now ( they had been separated over 6 months when we got together- she ended the relationship I am not the other woman - there wasn't one etc)

We would never say anything to DSC to make out her mum to be in the wrong or the bad person as we know her mum does that a lot about us but we don't think it's a good idea to go down that route. We are just hoping that when DSC gets older she can see the truth for herself then.

It's just all very upsetting and very difficult to get things right for all the DC . I just want them all to be happy so it makes me feel sad that DSC still seems so hurt about us not telling her about the youngest and I don't see what I can do to make it right .

OP posts:

Anditstartsagain · 12/07/2017 07:53

So you have never told dsc that it was her mum? Sorry i've missed a bit but if thats thr case why not tell her?

I agree with not slaggin off her mum or making her the bad guy BUT you shouldn't lie to protect her mum tell the truth your mum thought it was best then she can take it up with her mum. There is a huge difference in making her mum out to be bad and giving her the facts .

MrsPringles · 12/07/2017 08:12

Op, this sounds so familiar.
My DSC mum is awful, holds all the cards and withholds contact if we do something to piss her off, we're constantly tiptoeing round her.
DH never got an official contact schedule in place so she literally does what she wants. You can't have them this weekend now, I need to have them back a day early, you have got to bring just DSD home because I need her to babysit (her other child) etc

DH doesn't get told about school productions, parents evenings etc, sports presentations (we take DSS to the sport when we have them as well as her taking him on her weekends) we aren't allowed to go to either.

I don't understand why she is like it, she thrives off slagging us off to the kids and making us out to be the bad ones. She has a new partner and a child with him, my husband and I have a child together, their split was a joint decision and I wasn't the OW, she just hates us and it's EXHAUSTING.
If we fell of the face of the earth and she could play happy families with her new partner and she didn't have to share 'her' kids with DH who is their frigging dad she would be so happy

Op, I really feel your pain

ilovegin112 · 12/07/2017 11:04

I wonder what some of you would have done in the 70s when men weren't allowed in the delivery room, I'm sure I read somewhere that women have better labours when other women are helping them.

Maybe dsd mum thought she was doing the right thing by the 9yr old maybe dsd said something that made her do this , how was she about your 1st child's birth?

ljny · 12/07/2017 15:39

There is a huge difference in making her mum out to be bad and giving her the facts.

^This

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