If your DC was born on an older DC birthday.....

[Babyiwantabump]

Who would you expect your DH/OH/BF to spend the majority of the day with? And the day after?

You and the newborn? Or older DC? Or equally shared?

9 year olds birthday party goes ahead as planned. Father is present. Makes 9 year old feel special and loved. Doesn't make a big announcement during party as that would be taking attention away from 9 year old. Tells 9 year old later in private when party guests have gone home or next morning if it is getting late

Agreed.

If I was the mother of the nine year old, I would be acting in the best interest of my child. This would mean as per the bolded above. The other child wouldn't be my concern.

The older child would probably have enough to deal with in just the fact that their father was having a child with another woman, let alone it happening on their birthday as well.

Seriously, just spit it out OP. What actually happened? We can't tell you if you are being unreasonable or not if you don't tell us.

I'm shocked people are saying they would only care about their own child not a new step sibling. Where's the compassion?

Family life is often a juggle. It's not always easy but it's better to communicate well and be as flexible as possible. This is going to be an issue for years to come after all. Both sides need to compromise here.

Agree with Jolie & Shadow

There is no clear cut answer. And I think anyway of handling this could be seen as 'wrong' from anyone persons point of view.

Its not an easy thing.

He was right to spend the time with his eldest DC. It's also a good reminder to you that you married a man who has kids already & as such you need to take them into account always and forever. In many ways your DP should treat them even better than your DC together because they don't live with him.

Why could dad not do both....spend time with newborn and spend time with firstborn! Just think how the 9 year old would feel not seeing his dad on his birthday! If i was stepmum i would put stepsons feelings before my own.

A lot of women get discharged on the actual day of the birth. I would certainly expect the father to prioritise the mother (not necessarily the baby) in those circumstances.

In fact, I think I'd expect the father to prioritise the mother in most birthing and post birth scenarios, since it's usually painful, stressful and something of an ordeal at best.

If he can slip off to visit 9 year old at some point that day, he should. At the very least, he should call/facetime him.

I'm thinking of the mother needing the father, not the baby. Baby hopefully won't need anything other than to feed and sleep.

Had dh buggered off for his elder child's party just after the birth, I would have been mightily pissed off. But still understand and not hold it against him. The 9 year old is very much a young child and at that age, birthdays are very important. So their needs come before an adult, even one, who has just given birth. My dd is 9 btw. The only time this would be different is if you or the baby is ill or you are traumatised. Didn't you have anyone else, who could have been there with you?

And I totally agree with telling the birthday child after the party in private.

My (full) brother was born on my 10th birthday.

I knew he was born because he had arrived by the time I woke up.

Apparently that meant my dad had to be at the hospital or asleep so had cancelled the hall and entertainer for my birthday party, eaten half the cake because he'd been up all night and got a new babysitter to look after the other 4 of us.

Presents waited until my mum was out of hospital 3 days later.

I didn't hold it against my mum or brother (and I'm now very close to this DB) but it was very clear how much of a useless selfish piece of shit my dad was/is.

Half siblings are very different to full siblings, having a different parent puts a much different slant on things on top of normal rivalry.

I would of expected the parent to attend the birthday party and put the child's needs first.

Artisan. That's really sad. I could perhaps understand the party if your mum needed your dad due to a difficult birth or something. But not the total lack of celebration, eating YOUR cake and not letting you open presents.

So what happened/ is your DH suggesting should happen?

Christ. Just write the thread properly next time. None of this cloak and dagger bullshit.
I lost the will to live on your third try

I've tried reading this several times and I'm not sure I'm understanding it.

I got from it.
A man has an older child who was born X date.
A man has another child on the way who happened too be born on X date same as older sibling.

The man hasn't announced on older child's birthday the sibling has been born?

I can't actually believe I wasted time reading this shit. OP for fucks sake just say what you mean in the first place, it's just really annoying when it becomes all cloak and dagger.

I think this is a really awkward blended family situation.
The dad will want to be with the mum giving birth but may have already promised to attend 9 yr olds birthday.

I think he needs to be at the birth but this might really upset the 9 yr old. The 9 yr olds mum needs to do the right thing for her kid by reassuring him that his dad loves him etc etc regardless of the mum's personal feelings about the dad.

Later in the day, if the mum who's just given birth is doing ok, the dad needs to visit the 9yr old and spend time there. The 9 yr olds mum should accommodate this even if it's not the agreed time. The 'just given birth' mum will find it hard but it has to be done. The 9 yr old should be the centre of attention and how much the new baby should be mentioned depends on how the 9 yr old feels about the situation.

I feel for everyone in this situation, especially if relations are strained at the best of times. But what can you do? Sometimes the timing of something is just bad and all the adults have to do the best they can.

Sorry op I hope that answers your slightly vague question.

I get the impression that the older child's mum has asked them to pretend it hasn't happened yet, and made him carry on with plans with the older child rather than adapt the situation to suit.

Hi Artisan
Same here in that my brother was born on my 10th birthday. No drama though! No party planned and I was much more concerned about my brothers birth than my birthday. I still remember my Dad coming in and telling me I had a brother. I love having a twin but this was nearly 50 years ago and things were different then.

We made sure we planned our dcs so it didn't fall on each other's birthdays that being said if it was in your situation I would have told my DH to attend the party and come back later and tell the child the news the next day. Letting the 9 year old have his day. I have an 9 year old to ex he values his fathers time especially when he doesn't live with him.

Eveyone should stop being so dramatic.

Tell the 9yr old baby has been born dad goes to the party then back to hospital. Tell the 9 yr old dad will do something special next week since he couldn't stay long.

Yeah the new mum gets left but when you have older children it's common for the dad to have to tend to them if she wanted someone there for her and only her she shouldn't have got with someone with children.

The 9 yr old mum has to plod ahead with the party make it exciting and let the dad do as much as he can without huffing birth timimg can't be helped.

The 9 yr old has to suck it up n get on with it plenty of siblings share birthdays it's life if they are allowed to make a fuss it will become an issue.

Newborn gives no fucks.

At 9yo I would have told the older dc that this could be an issue. I would have expected dad and child to be with the mum and newborn and I would had a big b'day party the weekend after.

Now I suspect your are the SM and the older child isn't yours.
So dad has put his older child as being the priority in front of you and his newborn.
I don't think that's right.

As for the mum, i think it's a pretty shit situation because by acting if the baby hasn't been born, she is sending the message that that child isn't important. And yes to her, the newborn won't be. But her dc, this child is his sibling and that should be celebrated like for any other sibling.

Share the birthday like twins. Whats the problem?

A lot of what's possible depends on timings and distances. Ideally I'd expect dad to be there to support new mum through the birth, then spend a good chunk of time with older birthday son ideally at whatever party or celebration was planned, then maybe take older child to meet his newborn sibling.

I wouldn't expect anyone to be hiding the fact that his little sibling had been born unless there were very special circumstances. I think that's setting off on completely the wrong foot. The right thing is to be showing that BOTH children are equally important and the new sibling being born doesn't stop older child having a fuss made of him on his birthday.

Oh i thought you meant like have a birthday on the same day.
If it were me and my baby was born on the day of another childs birthday, I think the day would be shared still. The child would come up and share some time with new baby and dh. Dh would go and celebrate birthday with child and then come back. The next day would be focused around the birth of the new baby.