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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your DC was born on an older DC birthday.....

122 replies

Babyiwantabump · 11/07/2017 01:06

Who would you expect your DH/OH/BF to spend the majority of the day with? And the day after?

You and the newborn? Or older DC? Or equally shared?

OP posts:
sweetbitter · 11/07/2017 09:03

...and if older child was taken to meet new little sibling at hospital, stepmum could give him a birthday present, they could have a little cake and happy birthday song etc. As a stepmum I'd certainly want to do this.

MrsPringles · 11/07/2017 09:08

I would say shared time, a brand new just born person is just as important as the birthday person. Could you not play up how special it is that they share a special bond and the new baby wanted to be just like their elder sibling?
Maybe they could go out for a special birthday dinner so they have all the spotlight.

If I were in this situation, my DSC's mum would have told them I gave birth on their birthday just to ruin it for them. She's really lovely like that Hmm

Cintacmrs · 11/07/2017 09:10

This is going to be an issue every year - I feel sorry for everyone involved.
Dad will have to manage his time seeing both but you cant expect him to pretend he doesn't have a new baby - maybe explain carefully to 9yr she may get excited about meeting new baby (like a extra special birthday present) or not.

Ameliablue · 11/07/2017 09:19

In the case of step siblings, if the child was born in the morning, and mum and baby both doing well, I would think it fine for the dad to go to the party in the afternoon and then back to mum and new baby in the evening. Siblings introduced either evening or next day. In the case of full siblings, I would plan the birthday party on a different weekend and expect the sibling to come to the hospital in the afternoon to spend time with both parents and open presents there.

LadyinCement · 11/07/2017 09:20

I agree that unfortunately this is a long-term problem.

If I were the new mother, I'd want dh with me for support (agree baby doesn't care!). If I were the first wife - it would depend on the circumstances: if the split had been acrimonious I might have no sympathy for or interest in new mother and expect former dh to put his 9-year-old first, but if things were more harmonious I'd expect the father to be sensitive and to spend time with 9-year-old as well as attend birth. If I were the 9-year-old... I'd be upset if "dumped" by father. If dh had gone off with someone else and "abandoned" ds on his birthday, even if his new partner/wife was expecting sextuplets, I'd have kicked his backside into the next millennium.

Of course it depends on distances as well. 2 miles apart the father can split his time, 200 miles and it's a big problem.

Florriesma · 11/07/2017 09:25

When ds1 born dad was 11. Not his birthday however. After birth dh spent and hour with me that day as went to collect dss to introduce ds1 to him. At the time of don't complain bit understood. Secretly w8shed that 1st was with me though. Looking back now I don't regret it all. It made no real difference to ds1 or me. But I am comfortable knowing the right decision was made for another dc.

Had it been his birthday too then I think it's absolutely fine for dh to spend more time with ds. These things seem big at the time but a decade down the line you'll know that the right decision was made for whole family cohesion.

Florriesma · 11/07/2017 09:27

Blush dss was 11. Not his dad.

Natsku · 11/07/2017 09:27

This might happen to us as this baby is due a few days before DD's birthday. As the hospital is far away I'd expect OH to be with me while DD stays with friends and we'd celebrate her birthday properly afterwards. I'm hoping she'll understand why it would have to be like that and she would have fun staying with friends.

LDN17 · 11/07/2017 09:33

Dc2's date of birth is about 5 days before Dc1's. Had he been born on DC1's birthday, grandparents and other family members would have made his birthday special and dp would have even brought him to the hospital to meet his baby brother. He wouldn't have been rushing off for the rest of the day.

allowlsthinkalot · 11/07/2017 09:39

If I'd had the baby I'd push for discharge asap to get home for birthday tea. I'd make a big fuss of older dc and how special it is that sibling was born on their birthday. I'd expect dad to stay home and make a massive fuss of birthday child, special breakfast and presents, bring them in for a visit but also do something special for their birthday.

I don't know if it makes a difference that baby's mum is stepmum to older dc. I don't think it does unless the older dc is celebrating with their dm and isn't expecting their dad to be involved.

Nelly5678 · 11/07/2017 09:40

Be at the birth but then spend the afternoon or evening with child

fishfingerman307 · 11/07/2017 09:41

Aren't DC in blended families used to spending birthdays with only one parent? I realise that it's nicer if they can see both, logistics and relations between the parents permitting, but I can't be the only one in a set up where we just celebrate birthdays (and Christmas) on the wrong day if need be?

Actually, I'm missing DS's birthday this year for something far less important than a birth. He is insisting that I 'post' him a present and facetime him in the morning but is otherwise completely happy that he's spending the day just with DH (and siblings).

Anyway, back to this scenario, if the dad is able to slip away for a while to see DS on his birthday, great. If not, it's up to all the adults to explain and make it special for him nonetheless. But I'm afraid 'just given birth' mum takes priority in my book.

Groupie123 · 11/07/2017 10:05

@fishfingerman307 - this father made more effort than you did. Just because it works for you doesn't make it right. Wonder what your DC would say if asked how it felt for his/her parent not to bother being there for their birthday.

stolemyusername · 11/07/2017 10:06

I think if baby is here safe and well then the dad should spend time with the older sibling, it's hard enough on some children when another baby joins the family, I think they would feel especially pushed out if dad couldn't manage to tear himself away for a couple of hours to wish them a happy birthday.

flooredbored · 11/07/2017 10:13

I think if the new baby is a first baby for the mother she probably needs support. I would expect the father to go and see the older child for an hour or two and then return. I think most 9 year olds could understand this.

HiJenny35 · 11/07/2017 10:23

The day that baby is born was such a special one for us I think that oh should have stayed with you and baby all day and seen 9 year old the next day. 9 year old would be with his/her mum and 9 is old enough to understand that baby has been born and simply promise a special day the following weekend. we missed my daughters 4th birthday party as we were having baby, she's 4 and we explained and she understood.

Whodoesthis17 · 11/07/2017 10:30

Still confused...

If your DD9 has just had a step sibling, I would ask the Dad if he could come to the party if that was what was arranged, and he could tell the child once the party was over, and yes I would let the DD go visit the baby if they wanted too...

If your the New mum, you said baby born early Sat morning. so this would give the Dad time to do the party and get back to visit afterwards, as the New mum knows it's the childs birthday, and that this is going to happen EVERY year from now on. Time to all sit down and sort things out, as sometimes the DD9 might want to be around for the Newborn's parties and can be asked how they want to play it, as the baby won't understand for a fair few years.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 11/07/2017 10:36

Much of it depends on the birth. Both of mine involved all nighters, so DH was shattered of his own accord. First time I was on bed rest in HDU so couldn't do anything for baby. Second time I was more mobile but still struggling with catheters and painful tears.

First time, DH was dangerously exhausted. Going off to show his face at a party would have stretched him too thin.

He had to miss DS's first couple of birthdays as his company had vital meetings/ team socials that the team travelled across the country from various branches to attend. Sometimes compromises have to be made in less than ideal circumstances.

What really matters is that the older child's birthday is not ignored and that the father makes a special acknowledgment for the occasion, even if it can't happen on the day.

Long term he'll need to make plans that cover the needs of both children. Parties may have to be staggered and arranged around each other- TBH unless the birthdays fall on a weekend, most parties will be on a nearby weekend anyway.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/07/2017 10:40

I am struggling to see the problem here. When DS2 was born DH was looking after DS1 who was 4 as our families live miles away and as it was summer most of our friends were away. DH popped in and out when he could (i.e. if someone could cover for an hour - it was looooong labour Wink) but most of the time he wasn't around at all.

(as an aside DS2 was born the day after my birthday - I spent my birthday in labour - DH turned up to the hospital with my birthday cake in the evening I had had DS2 in the afternoon)

PsychoPumpkin · 11/07/2017 10:51

When I had our son, my husband left my bedside early in the morning to do a three hour round trip to pick up my first born (his SD) so she could meet her brother at the hospital. I'd have loved him to stay, he'd have loved to stay but he loves my eldest as if she were his own so wanted nothing more than to share the day with her.

In your situation OP I would expect your OH to go to the birthday celebration as planned then when it's done, bring the elder child to the hospital so you could spend the rest of your stay with the whole family. Your new baby won't know what's going on but your step son won't feel replaced by the new baby.

It's unfortunate that their birthdays are on the same date because if it was a day earlier or a day later there would be no question about who your OH would spend the day with, you & the new baby of course.

aibu1234 · 11/07/2017 11:04

it depends on the circumstances, does SC live with mum? only see dad sporadically? My childrens dad worked on our childrens birthdays and missed parties (at weekend) it did them no damage. As long as he gets to see his child on their birthday and open card and present then there shouldnt be a problem. I also dont see a problem with a 9 year old sharing family time with new baby even on their birthday, it should be broached about how lovely a new baby brother/sister that arrived on your birthday, what a lovely present. in my opinion dad should be with mum and baby but other child should not be neglected.

Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 11/07/2017 11:51

Right ok sorry will explain what happened now - I just think it all went a bit wrong and could have been handled so much better!

So I am newborns mum (my 3rd DC and second DC with OH)

OH was with me when giving birth then left after to go spend the day with SDC (which I have no problems with) , but SDC mum said in no uncertain terms were we to tell SDC about birth of DC . So all family on OH side (where party was) didn't say anything to SDC. Kept the day about SDC.

OH popped back to pick me up and drop me home then went back to party.

Next day we are still not to tell and so OH takes all children out for the day .

The next weekend we introduce SDC and new baby . SDC is devastated that they didn't know . Really really upset as they were looking forward to meeting new baby brother and is confused and hurt as to why we let her other siblings meet him first as had wanted to meet them at the same time (which was the original plan until he was born on their birthday)

So even though we tried to do what we thought was best for SDC we have still ended up being the bad guys in the situation because SDC feels we hid the news from them. But we only did it because SDC mum wanted us to do that.

The original plan was for all DC to come and meet the new baby in hospital but as it was none of them did and effectively youngest DCs birth was hidden and kept secret from everyone -
( couldn't announce it to anyone other than closest family as wanted SDC to find out through us )so yes I feel a bit hurt about that bit as well .

I just feel it could have been handled a hell of a lot better as people have ended up upset anyway! It's such a minefield!

I know it was SDCbirthday but they knew this could happen and they were looking forward to meeting the new baby and I don't think new DC birth should have been treated as it was - it should be a special family time!

Hope that makes sense - basically I would have thought it should be a shared time for all .

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyiwantabump · 11/07/2017 11:58

And it's just recently have been thinking about how OH had no time with the new baby the day he was born and feeling a bit sad about that . We did it that way to try and make sure SDC didn't feel left out but they ended up feeling left out anyway!

(Have been reading an article about the importance of bonding in the first 24 hours and thinking about how OH got that with all his DC apart from youngest)

OP posts:
jojo2916 · 11/07/2017 12:10

Your husband should of course be with you and the newborn I can't believe posters are saying otherwise. best thing would all of you spend it together but of course 9 year old can't miss their party but if circumstances allow best thing would be to pop off to pick up older child and all spend time together with the baby, i would be shocked if any of my friends partners left them on the day of giving birth that's awful. Only time it would be acceptable would be if you were the older child's only family and they lived with you full time with no grandparents to help then of course the dad would probably have to be organising the party otherwise I think it's awful to prioritise one child over the other those early days don't last long.

Shadow666 · 11/07/2017 12:13

Ok, I understand. I agree it would have been better to tell the stepdaughter on the day. It need not have overshadowed her birthday, in fact you could have got her a nice gift from the baby. The same for the next day, it would have been better to have the step kids come over and meet the baby and your husband should have been there to support you.

It sounds like the Ex was being overprotective of her daughter and it ended up with feelings hurt.