AIBU to expect visiting children to flush the loo and wash their hands?

[TheProdigalRhubarb]

Ds had a friend come back here after school for a play and some tea. He's not been here before.

After a while he asked to go to the loo, so I showed him where it was and went back into the kitchen. I heard him come out again and pad off down the corridor without any sound of flushing or hand washing. I'm used to small children 'forgetting', so I did what I always do and trotted after him to remind him. He said "I don't want to", so I replied something along the lines of "come on, it won't take a minute' and steared him back to the loo. He flushed and washed. Fine.

Later on, just as everyone was sitting down for tea, he nipped off to the loo again, and again reappeared without flushing/washing (bathroom is next to kitchen, so running water can clearly be heard). I said a cheery but firm "Flush and wash please!" but he ignored me and sat back at the table.

I was in the middle of dishing up food and herding three other children into seats, and his mum had arrived at this point (I suggested she turn up earlier than she needed to pick up so we could have a cup of tea and a chat, as she's new to the area and we don't know each other very well) so I left it to her to deal with. She gently asked him to go back to the bathroom, he said no, and she replied "was it just a wee?". I think he must have nodded (I had my back to them) because nothing else was said and he started eating his tea.

Surely 'just a wee' is no excuse to not flush the loo and wash your hands, especially when sitting down to eat?

Actually I do know some people don't always flush the loo after a wee in their own home to save water or whatever, but at someone else's house it's different isn't it?

Or am I being prim? Or something.

Kids who aren't taught to wash their hands every time grow up to be adults who don't wash their hands every time - or at all because there are the ones who don't do it even for show in public bathrooms. It was so automatic with me to say 'did you wash your hands?' to my kids and their mates every time, I'd sometimes forget and say it to visiting adults too - now that could be a bit awkward!

Goodness the judginess on this thread. Yes of course we should all wash our hands but he's 5.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles and I imagine that's what his mum was doing.

Perhaps she could tell he was very tired/hangry or knows he has a particular issue with hand washing and it was either let it go or have a full on fight at your house, she chose the former.

There seem to be a lot of MNers who assume that just because they had their child trained to do X without fuss by a certain age, the same must be possible for everyone. Children are different.

Don't judge other 5 year olds based on your low standards.

Miaow, how spiteful you are. I have high hand washing standards. Many five-year-olds need reminding, including those whose parents say he always washes. Well, he does with mum there.

I have a motto. My house my rules. So if that's the rule you have in your house then EVERYONE should follow it. I don't see how you could have embarrassed him. You politely asked him to wash his hands and flush the loo. My dd who's 6 often "forgets" to flush the loo and it drives me insane! I always think if someone came round and I hadent checked and saw a dirty poo in the toilet I'd be mortified so now it's a habit of asking her if she's flushed it every time she's used it even though she does it everytime now.

If he doesn't want to go back because you asked him to wash his hands I really wouldn't be offended

Yes minipie pick your battles is fair enough, but this is basic hygiene and shouldn't be an optional thing. It's disgusting to use the toilet and not wash hands. For a girl, it's dirty obviously, but for males who stand and are actually holding themselves while they pee it's even more disgusting. "Pick your battles" is for minor things that aren't that important, basic hygiene is actually important.
He's been taught filthy habits, and that is not ok! Even worse, he's sitting in somebody else's house at somebody else's dining table with dirty urine germs on his hands.
Fuss or no fuss, it needs to be done. Nobody should be bringing up children without the most basic hygiene standards.
He's 5, he's not 2/3 and only just learning to go to the toilet.

Foniks the fact his mum didn't make him wash his hands that one time doesn't mean she doesn't make him at home. By pick your battles I didn't mean don't teach hand washing ever. I meant that occasionally, in certain circumstances, you have to let things go which you'd ordinarily insist on.

And when you're eating at somebody else's table it's even more important. She can let it go all she wants at her table, but teach her child basic manners and basic hygiene at somebody else's table. Wouldn't you be embarrassed if your own child was so rude (refusing to wash hands when told) and had filthy habits on a playdate? Even more reason for her to insist.
Everybody is better outside, that's why they say "you don't know what happens behind closed doors" so if he's allowed to be so rude and have such lack of hygiene at somebody else's house, I think we can assume the family is even more dirty at home. That's why the mum said "did you only do a wee" and left him alone after that. Blatantly a regular thing at home, not washing hands after weeing.

Jarhead "people hate people who go on like that", no actually the only ones that aren't happy are the ones that disagree.

YANBU OP, basic hygiene.

If I was his mother I would have marched him into the bathroom and his hands would have been washed. One way or another.

Not washing your hands after using the toilet is absolutely disgusting and the way children learn is be example and reinforcement. Sure, they may protest - but they still have to do it. A five year old is old enough to understand and do it. They're not babies at that age.

If a child didn't want to return to my house because of my insistence on basic hygiene, so be it.

If I was his mother I would have marched him into the bathroom and his hands would have been washed. One way or another.
Exactly!! Basic hygiene should not be an optional thing.

And definitely, if a child didn't want to come to my house because I insisted on basic hygiene, I would not be losing any sleep. Rather that than having urine germs all over everything the child touches. So nasty. There are some children who come to mine who always need to be reminded, if they stopped coming because I have to tell them every time, no skin off my nose and I'll be fine knowing they aren't walking around my home with wee/poo germs on their hands anymore.

Grim. Very grim.

My DH has mates that take a dump and don't wash their hands after. I will never eat at their houses, I don't trust them with food prep. Oh the thought. Me and dh are always when they tell us they've had stomach bugs.

Good habits start at a young age.

Ffs a 5 year old didn't wash his hands.He didn't have a shit on the dining table

After my thread worms incident, no one gets out of the toilet without washing hands, especially if there is any likelihood I'll need to hold their hands at some point. I'd actually rather they didn't flush if no hand washing was going in especially in public loos where all those unwashed hands (the sink generally being outside) have caressed the flush and the door lock - yum.

Onhold no one has said he shit on a table.

Ffs It would have taken less than a minute to work a flush and wash hands.

Iv boys. And ALL of them.have to be constantly reminded to flush and wash hands WITH soap - constantly. It's grim and a pain.

I have strong smelling hand wash so I can tell

"Sorry we always wash hands before dinner in this house."

Children need to follow rules in other houses or they won't be invited back

MN is obsessed with handwashing. I hope OP hasn't got a bog brush or her handwashing points will be taken away.

Onhold you are regularly posting on this thread.

Are you obsessed with non-handwashing after going to the toilet?

It is a weird thing to be in defence/proud of the whole "I don't wash my hands" thing Reckon if you don't instill this in boys when they're young they often grow up to be adult males with poor sense of hygiene. A friend told me recently her DP changed their DC's explosive dirty nappy then made no motion (pun intended) to wash his hands until prompted. Kind of explains the regular upset tummies.

Im baffled that people thinking its ok to not wash hands after a wee but yes if a poo is actually a thing 😱

I think it is entirely possible that she makes her own child wash and flush all the time, but in the spirit of being a guest in someone elses home, she went down the route of least resistance and avoided a fuss that she knows usually happens!

I would have reminded him too. I think everyone should wash their hands every time they use the loo for hygiene reasons, although I know lots of people don't.

And I agree with the PPs who said that they see visiting kids as their responsibility to guide as far as the basics of manners, safety etc go - it's an in loco parentis situation I think. I'd expect DD to be reminded to wash her hands on play dates too.

Foniks - yes, I'd be embarrassed. But not as embarrassed as if my child had a huge tantrum and spoiled the playdate. So if I could see a tantrum brewing I might choose no handwashing as the least bad option (at home, I'd insist regardless of tantrum)

Mini if either of my DCs at 5yrs had a tantrum I would take them out to sit in the car to cool down or leave early. I would not let a 5 year dictate my behaviour.