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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect visiting children to flush the loo and wash their hands?

99 replies

TheProdigalRhubarb · 10/07/2017 20:39

Ds had a friend come back here after school for a play and some tea. He's not been here before.

After a while he asked to go to the loo, so I showed him where it was and went back into the kitchen. I heard him come out again and pad off down the corridor without any sound of flushing or hand washing. I'm used to small children 'forgetting', so I did what I always do and trotted after him to remind him. He said "I don't want to", so I replied something along the lines of "come on, it won't take a minute' and steared him back to the loo. He flushed and washed. Fine.

Later on, just as everyone was sitting down for tea, he nipped off to the loo again, and again reappeared without flushing/washing (bathroom is next to kitchen, so running water can clearly be heard). I said a cheery but firm "Flush and wash please!" but he ignored me and sat back at the table.

I was in the middle of dishing up food and herding three other children into seats, and his mum had arrived at this point (I suggested she turn up earlier than she needed to pick up so we could have a cup of tea and a chat, as she's new to the area and we don't know each other very well) so I left it to her to deal with. She gently asked him to go back to the bathroom, he said no, and she replied "was it just a wee?". I think he must have nodded (I had my back to them) because nothing else was said and he started eating his tea.

Surely 'just a wee' is no excuse to not flush the loo and wash your hands, especially when sitting down to eat?

Actually I do know some people don't always flush the loo after a wee in their own home to save water or whatever, but at someone else's house it's different isn't it?

Or am I being prim? Or something.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 10/07/2017 21:43

Yrs ago I was on phone in hall.... Five kids including my own Ds came in and went up one by one to pee.... Only realised after I didn't hear the flush or tap going once,,, I wouldn't lose any sleep tbhSmile

Original poster
TheProdigalRhubarb · 10/07/2017 22:03

Not filled with angst, or losing sleep, or getting worked up. Nor did I go on about it at the time. I simply reminded him, each time. It's habit I suppose after years of training my own small children in using toilets and basic hygiene. And I tend to treat visiting kids as I treat my own - just like I expect other parents to remind my kids to eat their peas, remember their manners and wash their hands when they are at their houses.

Interesting to see reactions on here are pretty split. Maybe I am a bit U.

OP posts:
headinthecloud · 10/07/2017 22:27

I'm a bit obsessive about toilet hygiene so I would have insisted he'd do it. My middle child had rota virus at the age of 3 from what the drs said was the likelihood of rubbish hygiene at nursery.

NotYoda · 10/07/2017 22:30

I don't think you shamed him. At 5 he should be used to following simple instructions from adults

JennyOnAPlate · 10/07/2017 22:44

I really couldn't get worked up over this to be honest. My dc frequently don't wash their hands after a wee and neither do I (wasn't brought up to, didn't realise other people did until I joined mumsnet!)

My last tummy bug was six years ago (dd2 brought it home from nursery.) Dd1 is 9 and hasn't had a sickness bug since she was 4. As a society we're getting a little too obsessed with germs.

WildwestWind · 10/07/2017 22:53

Just imagine if every child at school did the same - the place would stink and every surface would be germ ridden. I'm with you OP, flush and wash is a basic life skill

millymae · 10/07/2017 22:57

I wouldn't call what OP did shaming - she simply asked a 5 year to wash his hands after going for a wee. Her house, her rules. It's not as though she was asking him to do something that shouldn't be done.
I'm going through a stage at the moment with my little one who is insistent that if she does not touch the toilet she doesn't need to wash her hands. It may well be our house and our germs, but I want hand washing after using the toilet to become second nature so there are no exceptions. To me it's the same sort of principle as using seat belts in the car - it doesn't matter how short the journey is, the seat belt is always worn.

Sparklingbrook · 10/07/2017 22:57

I never used a 'playdate' to educate other peoples' children. I certainly didn't tell them what to eat or to use their manners, and I certainly don't remember listening to them in the loo.

thisismadness77 · 10/07/2017 23:01

Yanbu

PollyFlint · 10/07/2017 23:11

I don't think asking a kid to flush the toilet is weird or angsty and if a child is somehow upset by being asked to flush the loo at five years old, it's pretty weird. That's school age - by that age it's assumed that they are old enough to have rudimentary skills like flushing the toilet and washing their hands. What do you think happens if a class of 30 five year olds all think it's fine to let their shit and piss mount up in the school loos?

Flushing the toilet is basic manners for a kid that age, like saying please or thank you - not unusual that you'd have to remind them to do it, but you wouldn't expect them to refuse when you did?

anchor9 · 10/07/2017 23:14

yuck. YANBU.

Imaginosity · 10/07/2017 23:19

You seem overly concerned about this.

holeinmypocket · 10/07/2017 23:22

My 5 year old needs telling every time she goes to the toilet to wipe, flush and wash hands. It drives me nuts, when do they do it without needing telling? She says she does it at school but I don't think I believe her!!

BackforGood · 10/07/2017 23:25

YANBU at all.
When my dc were little, I would absolutely hope that any adults whose care they were in, "parented" them - ie, reminded them of proper behaviour - if they forgot something when I was not around. 5 yr olds sometimes need reminding - washing your hands after going to the toilet is something I would remind a child of if they forgot / make a child do if they were in my care, just the same as I would stop them climbing onto a live railway line, or taunting a kitten, or anything else that wasn't acceptable in my house.

paxillin · 10/07/2017 23:25

Nobody with toilet hands sits and eats at my table, this includes playdates but all my dc's friends know the drill. But I am aware children always try to get away with it and don't wash if mum isn't looking. Never met a 5 year old who will voluntarily wash and flush at someone else's house. Aged 10, most do. It is quite possible your own kids don't when you're not there. Something about basic hygiene repulses kids. Flushing is fine, I can do that if they are scared of the noise (many are, few admit it).

Foniks · 11/07/2017 00:34

That's gross. And his mum acting like it's fine!
Most men stand to pee, so he will eventually, and be holding his pee willy, and he won't be used to basic hygiene washing his hands after. Disgusting.
Can't believe the mum just left it! What is she teaching him. I know young ones don't do everything they're supposed to do, but that's why they have parents to teach them.

Beahun · 11/07/2017 00:56

That's just yuck! I would have been exactly the same. My DD not always flushes the toilet ( as our toilet is very hard to flush) but for sure she always washes hand.
When my DH and I started to going out and was going to visit my DP I asked him if he washes his hands after toilet as my DM would send him back if he wouldn't 😂 (he was 35 then) He does😁

BeepBeepMOVE · 11/07/2017 00:58

YANBU!

You didn't embarrass him, if he was embarrassed then he did it himself.

How disgusting, of course he should wash his hands. This is why so many adult men don't because they weren't taught to as children. Why would you want some stage child's pissy hands all over your house especially when about to eat!

I also don;t think its odd to notice, I've had a bedroom next to a shared bathroom before and always noticed the non hand washers.

Ankleswingers · 11/07/2017 01:02

YANBU at all.

IloveBanff · 11/07/2017 02:16

sunsurfacingdefiantly "I never used to wash my hands. I do now if people are watching. Never had stomach bugs though."

It should be ingrained behaviour and automatic IMO. Why wouldn't you wash your hands? Confused

WanderingTrolley1 · 11/07/2017 03:19

Poor kid. I don't think you should've pressed the matter.

Largebucket · 11/07/2017 04:18

My DCs were taught how to do really thorough hand washing at nursery, it was amazing to watch them go through the process. I've been helping out in a school this year, realised a month ago I had thread worms. Grim. Tablets and washed sheets for everyone. According to "the internet", it's estimated that up to 40% of primary school aged kids have them at any one time. My friend's DC doesn't wash hands unless prompted after the loo and I always always send them back. I explain why and so far they don't seem embarrassed. Doesn't stop them trying not to wash again the next time though!

Largebucket · 11/07/2017 04:18

I'm not fussed about flush though, unless there's a poo hiding in there

Largebucket · 11/07/2017 04:23

I find kids are trying to avoid getting sleeves wet as may have happened to them in past. Also, sometimes a high up towel means they have to lift their hands to reach and water runs up their sleeve..

AgainPlease · 11/07/2017 04:28

I think you went overboard in making him go back to the loo to flush and wash his hands. Like PP have a said a cheery "let's all wash our hands before we sit down to eat!" would have been fine.

I don't think he'll want to have another playdate at your place any time soon.