Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's too many women on Mn living their lives with utter fuckwits?

145 replies

ssd · 10/07/2017 19:46

I know its never easy and theres no one size fits all. I know some women live in fear for their lives or their childs lives. I know many women are financially dependant on their men. I know its easy to look on and shake my head

BUT BUT BUT.... sometimes on here I want to scream...why put up with that? why put up with utter shite?

dont let him away with it FFS

and I'm not talking about the heart rending posts from terrified or browbeaten women living in bad bad relationships, I'm talking about the everyday bollocks a lot of women seem to live with

dh isnt perfect and god help us neither am I, but fuck me, some of the threads on here are Shock Angry beyond belief

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 10/07/2017 22:29

Gah. I know it's very hard to leave and I have a lot of sympathy for people who want to and feel they can't. But it just drives me barmy to hear these women telling us these violent bastards are great fathers (always great fathers!) and "can be lovely", and asking us for advice on how to deal with this without causing an argument.

PoorYorick · 10/07/2017 22:29

I don't know anyone in real life who'd put up with this shit.

Sadly, the odds are that you do know several. You just don't know they're putting up with it.

Hastalapasta · 10/07/2017 22:30

I know it is complicated, but I totally agree!
Think there should be some kind of fuckwittery test prior to moving in with someone Grin

Alittlepotofrosie · 10/07/2017 22:33

I think its important that we all continue to tell posters who ask, that this is not normal because the more people whose eyes opened the fewer will be living like this in the future. They might not be ready to hear it now but it might plant a seed in their mind that they don't have to live like a second class citizen in their own home.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/07/2017 22:34

"I don't know anyone in real life who'd put up with this shit"

I used to work with a woman whose cheating husband had first cheated on her with a prostitue during their honeymoon, so yes, women with awful partners exist in real life too.

ZefStar · 10/07/2017 22:34

A lot of the time when you're in a situation like that, you can't even see what's happening to you.
If/when you finally manage to leave, its like you're waking up. You can think clearly again when you're away from the situation.
I wouldn't just anyone in these situations too harshly

Wheelerdeeler · 10/07/2017 22:35

Why does it become their normal though? That's what I don't get.

Moved in together. Explained to now dh that we both work so we split housework. If I get lazy or he gets lazy other one tells us to cop on.

Had child1. Again dh did 50%. He wanted to. I did do most night feeds when he had work next day but every single night he offered...... and if I was very tired I took him up on it.

I can't believe women who accept doing all the housework and child rearing. It's baffling.

lemureyes · 10/07/2017 22:36

yanbu
My husband isn't perfect but I had him well trained by the time we got married 😉

It helps that we have a lot of the same views which makes life easier. If we disagree on something we work it out, I don't feel the need to post it on the internet and then not take any advice 😟

colacolaaddict · 10/07/2017 22:36

I hear ya sunsurfacingdefiantly. Heck of a choice to make. There but for the grace of God etc.

Wheelerdeeler · 10/07/2017 22:37

Or the dads who have never had their kids on their own! 1st weekend home from hospital even post c section I went out for a couple of hours. Dh was on his own with baby. It became normal.

TinselTwins · 10/07/2017 22:40

My DH doesn't "Babysit" - he parents. He cleans and cooks and is nice and I like him

BUT. It's just as well, because I honestly don't think we could afford to split up! We both work full time and it barely covers one household's expenses.

SaveMeBarry · 10/07/2017 22:40

I admit I do sometimes read threads on MN and wonder why the fuck women take this shit but then I remember how much societal conditioning we get as women to be nice, consider other people, don't make a fuss, be a "good" wife and mother and so on and so on.

That's before you even consider what messages people absorb from their own childhood maybe father making all the financial decisions, or mother being responsible for all house/child related responsibilities, how their father spoke to their mum (or them).

And all that is before they even have the misfortune to start dating the arse hole who, let's be honest, probably doesn't show his true colours right out of the gate!

Tofutti · 10/07/2017 22:44

The posts usually start with 'DP is an amazing/absolutely brilliant husband/dad BUT...' and then MNers point out why he is not so bloody amazing/brilliant.

OlennasWimple · 10/07/2017 22:47

Wheeler - it's a slow drift into a new normal. It's like putting on weight: you don't suddenly go from a size 10 to a size 16, one day you find that size 12 is a bit more comfortable and so on

I think for many couples the big impact (housework, school run, calendar wrangling, school bloody bakesale etc) isn't when the first baby comes along, it's when the second one comes and the first is a bit older. Suddenly taking it in turns to pop to the gym in the evening or go away at the weekend with friends becomes so much harder, whilst paying for two lots of childcare often makes it seem as if it would be better for one parent to SAH (and guess who is most likely to be earning the least...)

I suspect many women in less than ideal relationships have another baby because it's wonderful having a little person who loves you unconditionally, and they feel it goes some way to make up for their partner's inadequacy

VestalVirgin · 10/07/2017 22:47

And all that is before they even have the misfortune to start dating the arse hole who, let's be honest, probably doesn't show his true colours right out of the gate!

This.
Frog in boiling water and all that.

I had social interactions with some dudes who at the beginning seemed okay enough, and then slowly crossed more and more boundaries, until at last I realized they were utter creeps. I was able to get rid of them because I was not emotionally attached to them at all, but I did not notice how horrid they truly were until it was completely undeniable.

I don't judge women who are deceived by fuckwits, but it is important to tell them that it is not normal or required to put up with fuckwittery.

Ropsleybunny · 10/07/2017 22:47

Yeah, lets have a victim blaming thread! Hmm

OlennasWimple · 10/07/2017 22:48

Tofutti - it's a big red flag in itself, isn't it? "My DH is a great father and husband but...."

Largebucket · 10/07/2017 22:51

I think a lot of the issues may only come truly to light after DCs are born. These days couples are often in similar circumstances before kids (met at university, jobs of similar "standing", pay etc). Then the kids come along, they have totally different lives for the first time and the selfish fuckerisms come to the fore.

PrancingQueen · 10/07/2017 22:56

My friend is in a relationship with a cocklodging fuckwit.
I've given up now, because every time she says she's leaving she doesn't do it. She's got a good job, support and even her kids have said he's a twat towards her...and yet she stays.
I'm a (happy!) lone parent, but apparently, according to her logic, it's a failure to be single, she believes she'll never meet anyone else, so she compromises herself all the time.
Makes me so sad.

ludothedog · 10/07/2017 22:57

YANBU

I don't get it either. A close friend of mine divorced her arsehole husband and pretty soon afterwards started dating again. She just didn't seem to have an arsehole filter and dated some creepy and unpleasant men. If I said anything to her I was jealous. She continues to have chaotic love life that her children have been subject to. She is no victim, her children are.

MeanAger · 10/07/2017 22:58

Yep yep yep

SaveMeBarry · 10/07/2017 22:58

True Largebucket and of course early on so many women believe they must be super mum, managing a new born and keeping the house work up to standard and cooking nice meals cos after all DH/DP deserves to come home to a nice dinner Hmm and the truth is many women get these messages from their own mothers!

After maternity leave or a few years as a SAHM it becomes the default position that the women is responsible for child and home even if they are in paid work too.

normastits5 · 10/07/2017 23:00

So if you are all so smugly sorted in your perfect relationships why do you all read the relationships board so much? For reassurance?
Those of us who struggle with healthy relationships were brought up in very unhealthy ones. Therefore it takes years to unlearn all those bad examples of what a woman should put up with.
Please don't judge and beware of the smug bug, it often bites your ass when least expected

Ladydepp · 10/07/2017 23:00

I came very close to marrying someone who would probably have been a bit of a shit. He was gorgeous and funny and charming but deep down he was a controlling misogynist wanker. If I hadn't seen him lose it over something incredibly minor I probably would have married him and had babies. Scary to think of it now. Lots of friends have similar stories of close calls. There really are a lot of shit men out there.,

I think for many women the goal posts just keep slowly changing and once you have children together you're pretty stuffed.

Having said that a good friend told me her dh was physically abusing her but it was because he "loved her so much" Shock. Thankfully he cheated on her so she left, the physical abuse wasn't reason enough in itself. She's moved on to another very controlling man. She tells me she likes men who are "strong" Hmm.

nachogazpacho · 10/07/2017 23:01

Why e do women not see them for who they are? Because they are living within the relationship and are clouded by all the other stuff that's normal. Because they have slowly been guided into a new normal bit by bit. Because maybe they never knew what a functional relationship looks like as their parents were dysfunctional. Because they are hoping it will get better if they believe it will.

Honestly, it's like being conned by a con artist. Don't forget when you are part of a dysfunctional relationship you can't see the trajectory. You can't see the patterns of behaviour. You bounce from one event to another, which build in intensity then suddenly stop and every time you think if you just did something better it won't happen again. Because they tell you it won't happen again.

Also, on MN we're all so clear about what is happening but ime there is no one around when you are actually being abused. Friends seem to prefer to side with the abuser. In reality most think it can't really be happening to someone they know. So they'd rather believe you when you say he's not all that bad etc etc. It's not black and white like it appears on here in words. In reality it's a much more confusing picture. The guy can seem very normal and fun to others and this can do a number on the woman as she starts to believe that it really is her. She's grumpy or a nag etc.

It is frustrating, I agree. But just be glad you have a ring side seat and you're not in the midst of the confusion of a fucked up relationship. It's like being in a fog. Ime half the time you are just so knackered with stress your brain doesn't function properly.