Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just feeling so fucking forgotten

82 replies

IHaveCausedConfusionAndDelay · 10/07/2017 18:51

Sorry this is a self pitying whinge.

I moved to this area two years ago for dh's work. I knew no one at all and family hundreds of miles away. I'm quite shy and quiet but really made an effort to get to know people - went to play groups, joined a local women's group etc. Two years on I still do t really have any proper friends as such but lots of people chat and are friendly to me. At a birthday party a few weeks back one of the mums I know said she was arranging a night out and did I want to go. Told her I'd love to and she said she'd add me on WhatsApp group. Then at the weekend I see pics of them all on FB having a great time. Fair enough maybe I should have chased her up on it.

Today (again on fb) a new lady in the village put a post up saying she'd moved to the area was looking for toddler groups etc. I told her I have a 1 year old too and listed all the places and times of local groups. Then another one of the women from the village posted saying 'don't worry about going to groups, all the mums with 1 year olds come to mine on Wednesday mornings.' I have never been included in this and have organised loads of stuff for this woman's charity.

And now I'm sat in hospital. I'm severely anaemic and waiting for a blood transfusion. I've been here all day. Everyone else has come and gone. At 6pm some of the nurses finished their shift and turned the lights out. Now I'm sat in a waiting room on my own, crying.

I'm probably overreacting because I'm feeling poorly. I just feel like no one would even notice if I disappeared. I just want to go home.

OP posts:
PopcornBits · 10/07/2017 21:55

I'm sorry you've had such a shit time.
Im sure there are many responses here that reassures you, you're not the only person who as felt like this at least once in their life.

If it's any help, I just went on holiday with a group of girls who only invited me because I was friends with one of the girls who complained she felt left out so they said "why don't you invite popcornbits" they then all went and got the same tattoo to represent their friendship together, I didn't. They repeatedly left me and fucked off whenever I needed the toilet. Went on rides that they knew I couldn't go on due to a slipped disc - actually I told them I couldn't and the reason why so they chose to go on it again at the end of the day knowing I couldn't join in.
To top it off, at the end of the night I told them how miserable it made it feel, how left out I felt I was, it was met with that I needed to go doctors, and one of them singing "let it all out popcornbits" as a piss take whilst I was trying to talk seriously.

So I thought ok maybe it's me. Until today, when they all decided to talk about going back on holiday, they sent some screen shots of prices and I can see that they've accounted for four people minus me.
So I think that explains why I feel so left out.

It's not you my love, some people are just fucking inconsiderate. You deserve nothing more than a caring considerate friend.
And I genuinely hope you don't ever feel like this again.

Flowers
Lobsterquadrille2 · 10/07/2017 22:11

Hi OP, so sorry that you're feeling so low. At the risk of sounding thick, where is the arse end of Kent? I'm also Kent and would love to have coffee with you if you wanted to, but not sure if I'm the arse bit or not ......

BalloonSlayer · 10/07/2017 22:16

I had bad anaemia and moved jobs feeling my old one was "too hard to cope with" before I was diagnosed. You should feel loads better once you have had your transfusion.

I felt like you a lot in the past - I think that yes they have been crap and you are right to be pissed off but it's the anaemia that makes it unbearable. Flowers

I am near Kent borders so also interested as to where you are although my DC are older.

Original poster
IHaveCausedConfusionAndDelay · 10/07/2017 22:19

Thank you everyone you've all really cheered me up. That sounds really crap popcorn hope you're not friends with them anymore.

So did everyone that's been a loner like me end up with nice or any friends? I think if someone asked me to join a cult right now I probably would just to have someone to talk to.

OP posts:
Original poster
IHaveCausedConfusionAndDelay · 10/07/2017 22:20

I'd rather not say exactly where I am as village fb page is public with Wednesday Lady's messages on.

OP posts:
TattyCat · 10/07/2017 22:24

where is the arse end of Kent? I'm also Kent and would love to have coffee with you if you wanted to, but not sure if I'm the arse bit or not ......

thank you for making me laugh!!!

Op, don't join a cult. They take all your money and pretend to be your friend. Fuckers.

TattyCat · 10/07/2017 22:26

I don't know Kent very well at all.

Op, do you at least have the loveliness of a nice area even if it's a bit remote and if not, would your DH at least move?

Lobsterquadrille2 · 10/07/2017 22:27

There are lots of villages around me which could definitely be described as arse-like in their attitudes 😀 - I will PM you.

Original poster
IHaveCausedConfusionAndDelay · 10/07/2017 22:32

I think I'd settle for someone pretending to be my friend tatty even if I did have to pay them.

It is a very lovely area, we have a beautiful house with land and chickens and veggies. Dh works in London and this is about as far out as is reasonable to commute. What I'd really love is to move back home (Cornwall) and be with my friends, parents, siblings, nieces and all the other people who I really love and who also seem to like me.

Once my new blood gets going I'm sure I'll be feeling a lot more positive,l. I know really I'm very lucky to be able to have a lovely lifestyle in a lovely part of the country.

Thank you again everyone for really cheering me up. Even if you are just imaginary internet people FlowersCakeGin

OP posts:
sweetbitter · 10/07/2017 22:32

You have to approach Wednesday woman.

There is every chance it's I just a an oversight you haven't been invited so far.

A certain type of person would just innocently and genuinely tell her they would love to join in with the Wednesdays at hers because they want to make more local friends. And they'd have no shame or embarrassment about it, they'd just mean it and see it as logical to tell her! And by being open and enthusiastic they'd probably be welcomed openly and enthusiastically. Channel this kind of genuine, never-feels-embarassed type person and get yourself invited to Wednesdays.

I am not the kind of person who has that innate warmth and openly fun spirit that seems to attract people to make friends. I so envy people who are like that. I often feel overlooked and less included than others BUT I know that once you get to know me I am indeed fun and worth being friends with. It's really hard to push myself forward sometimes and it feels so unnatural and unenjoyable to do the whole making friends bit, when to others that's the fun bit and it comes easily. But you have to find a way to get over that initial uncomfortable hump of going from acquaintance to friend because you KNOW you're a good friend, you sound lovely OP!

cakedup · 10/07/2017 22:38

Just to add, my friend had really bad anaemia and had a blood transfusion, she felt really crappy and low for weeks. Not saying you're feelings aren't real, but maybe not the best time to focus on them and to bear in mind that your perspective may not be the best. It took her a while to get back to normal...even after the transfusion, and she needed lots of rest which I hope you get.

I think most of us have felt a bit forgotten at some time or another, I know I have. I also found it quite a lonely time when DS was young...and I didn't even have a DH to talk to. Just an angry toddler obsessed with Thomas the Tank engine. But as DS got older I studied, had more time to speak on the phone to friends, organise the odd evening out etc. I found it easier, I bet you will too.

TattyCat · 10/07/2017 22:41

You do indeed sound lovely Op, and I don't say that often. I think you're just struggling because of your anaemia (don't underestimate how crap that can make you feel and it's a slow worker so you may not have noticed a dramatic, overnight, change) but honestly, you have nothing to lose by approaching someone and letting them know you're finding it difficult.

Most people, if you ask them all about themselves and don't talk about you much, will walk away thinking you're absolutely lovely! Everyone is worrying about how they come across, not concentrating on the other person. Generally...

sweetbitter · 10/07/2017 22:42

Reading it back my post isn't that clear...I'm saying that while you may not be naturally good at actively making friends, you're almost certainly a good friend who people will love once they've spent time with you and you are in a friend-y circle and routine. Don't get down about not being good at making friends, it means nothing, because you know you ARE worth being friends with from past (and presumably existing) friendships. Try to remember this if you feel embarrassed or ashamed at approaching Wednesday woman or people feeling "mortified" for you. You should only feel mortified at being a bad friend, not a good friend with vacancies who just has difficulty with that initial acquaintance-to-friend hump.

YouOKHun · 10/07/2017 22:50

Is the arse end of Kent the east? It's a big county! I moved to west Kent 13 years ago now with a 6 week old baby. I sympathise, it's not easy to put down roots but I think you have to reach out and be honest with people, otherwise people just assume you're fine. If you're in west Kent pm me - my children are teenagers now but I might be useful! Flowers

ByGrabtharsHammer · 10/07/2017 22:57

Are you absolutely certain the Wednesday woman's post wasn't directed at you as well as the newcomer, but in a slightly clumsy way?

I agree you should go along there when you're back to health. Bring snacks or a cake, act as though you feel self-confident, and let your personality shine through.

If they're frosty, tell them they're a bunch of wankers. They won't forget you then.

kally195 · 10/07/2017 23:03

OP - I'm in Kent too. I completely empathise with how you feel. In fact, I had a school gate experience today that made me feel exactly how you have described. PM me if you and we can see if we are in the same bit of the world.

lemureyes · 10/07/2017 23:24

Oh op, I really do feel for you! 💐
It really doesn't help with you being poorly.
Have you thought about maybe inviting all the social mums over for a cuppa? I know it might be a bit overwhelming but it might just prove a point without being too obvious about it.

I live out in the sticks and am OK without friends. At the end of high school it all went tits up with my group of friends, so I was just left with my boyfriend who is now my husband. 😀
I got sick to death of trying with people that didn't return the effort I was putting in, so I said sod it and couldn't be happier. Not to say you should do this op but I'm just saying that it is OK not to have friends 😊

thewavesofthesea · 10/07/2017 23:25

I know what it's like breaking into a new area. It's hard. Are you sporty at all? I wasn't until last year; but I've taken up running, then karate (with my son) and then women's rugby. Met loads of people through all of these. Good fun and great for anxiety too!'

GinevraFanshawe · 10/07/2017 23:58

I'm in Kent with a 1yo and a 5yo! I'm messaging you, maybe we're nearby!

I've been where you are. I once psyched myself up to suggest going for coffee after a playgroup I'd been attending for 6 months to hear "Oh we always go for coffee after- didn't you know?". Gits.

EdithBond · 11/07/2017 01:31

I agree that your physical problems are probably making you feel worse. But it also seems to me like you might not have met anyone in your new area who you feel you might hit it off with. Socialising can feel a bit tedious when it's too contrived. Is there anything you could do without it being a mums group? Something just for you. A course you could do at a weekend or evening where you don't talk about kids. Or arranging to see some old friends so you have something to look forward to. I hope your other half understands how you're feeling. It feels to me like you need to get some of yourself back, even if it's in temporary bursts. You sound fun and intelligent. I think lots of people on here are a bit isolated so you're in good company. Take care of yourself xx

mylaptopismylapdog · 11/07/2017 02:14

You have done well to post here when you feel so low to get the support you need. Big hug and best wishes, hope you feel better and things improve soon.

MyLittlePickleBoo · 11/07/2017 02:23

I absolutely could have written your posts OP (apart from the being in hospital bits!). I just found out all of the mums are having a bit party next week too and I was the only one not invited :'( I wish I was closer because I'd love to have a friend like you!!!

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 11/07/2017 02:25

Oh OP this broke my heart.
And yes the anemia will make everything so much harder. We used to tell patients that when you're anemic and depleted, walking half a mile is the equivalent of running a half marathon. Go easy on yourself in that respect.

I wish I was closer, I would have you over to mine and come with you to hospital.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 11/07/2017 02:26

Bloody phone changing reasonable words into idiotic misspellings!

GnomeDePlume · 11/07/2017 05:11

I have had severe anaemia, you dont realise how low you felt until you start to feel better.

When you do feel a bit better you could use the fact that you havent been well but are now feeling better to make contact with Wednesday lady.

Hi WednesdayLady, I havent been well recently and havent felt up for anything but I'm feeling a lot better now, would it be possible to come along on a Wednesday morning please?'

That way it is nobody's fault you havent joined in before.

Of course it may turn out that the Wednesday morning group is the local cult and you will be back here asking how to make yourself a set of antlers from everyday household objects!