Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just feeling so fucking forgotten

82 replies

IHaveCausedConfusionAndDelay · 10/07/2017 18:51

Sorry this is a self pitying whinge.

I moved to this area two years ago for dh's work. I knew no one at all and family hundreds of miles away. I'm quite shy and quiet but really made an effort to get to know people - went to play groups, joined a local women's group etc. Two years on I still do t really have any proper friends as such but lots of people chat and are friendly to me. At a birthday party a few weeks back one of the mums I know said she was arranging a night out and did I want to go. Told her I'd love to and she said she'd add me on WhatsApp group. Then at the weekend I see pics of them all on FB having a great time. Fair enough maybe I should have chased her up on it.

Today (again on fb) a new lady in the village put a post up saying she'd moved to the area was looking for toddler groups etc. I told her I have a 1 year old too and listed all the places and times of local groups. Then another one of the women from the village posted saying 'don't worry about going to groups, all the mums with 1 year olds come to mine on Wednesday mornings.' I have never been included in this and have organised loads of stuff for this woman's charity.

And now I'm sat in hospital. I'm severely anaemic and waiting for a blood transfusion. I've been here all day. Everyone else has come and gone. At 6pm some of the nurses finished their shift and turned the lights out. Now I'm sat in a waiting room on my own, crying.

I'm probably overreacting because I'm feeling poorly. I just feel like no one would even notice if I disappeared. I just want to go home.

OP posts:
Original poster
IHaveCausedConfusionAndDelay · 10/07/2017 21:16

Sorry didn't make it clear - son with ASD is 4 yo and at school. Ds2 is 1 yo and the one I've been taking to groups. Ds2 is lovely and well behaved. I thought I'd love taking him to groups as he is complete opposite of ds1 who would spend every baby/toddler group practically trying to climb back into my womb.

I'm not sure I could do a pity post on FB, I'd feel a bit silly. Also if no one even commented on that I'd feel even sadder than I already am and I'd have to start another thread.

I'm in the arse end of Kent and wanted so much to love it here. I just find it bloody exhausting (probably made worse by anaemia) trying to be lovely and friendly everyday and no one ever noticing. Perhaps if I revert to the sweary, sarcastic cow I used to be when I had friends I'd be more successful.

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 10/07/2017 21:18

Can you post where in the country you are? Even just a county? I'm sure there's a MN meet up that would be glad to have you!

LazyDailyMailJournos · 10/07/2017 21:19

X post. I have relatives down that way. Lovely part of the world but can be quite isolated.

category12 · 10/07/2017 21:19

Perhaps if I revert to the sweary, sarcastic cow I used to be when I had friends I'd be more successful.

Do that. I reckon you're trying too hard and it's coming off as false. Be who you are: funny, sarky, sharp. Do that.

BeccaAnn · 10/07/2017 21:19

Oh hun! I bet you are a right laugh! it's hard moving to a new area and trying to fit it. I'd PM the wednesday mummy and ask if you can pop round too. its worth a shot. Flowers

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 10/07/2017 21:20

Give us a rough idea where you are op. I know what it's like to be new to an area and have anxiety on top of that. It's nerve wracking. I'd love to hook up if you're near me Smile

Glad the blood is there and helping. Get yourself better first! Have you spoken to your gp about your anxiety? I only mention it as mine referred me to a Cbt course which really helped.

I find the worst thing is - the more stressed and anxious I get about meeting new people/getting out, the more self conscious I am and more likely I am to talk myself out of doing anything. It's a horrible cycle.

Can you talk to your DH about this? Would he understand? Maybe do some things together at the weekend where you can meet other families/couples?

Take care. And take it easy on yourself Flowers

Honeybee79 · 10/07/2017 21:22

Oh, op. I would feel like this too, but remember everything seems much worse when you're ill.

It's a hurtful situation. Why don't you contact the woman who said she would add you to the group and say it looked great and you'd love to arrange the next one?

I really feel for you. I spend large chunks of my life feeling invisible.

Get well soon Flowers

ChasedByBees · 10/07/2017 21:23

I don't know if I could quite bring myself to send a message to the Wednesday lady. They're all so lovely and wholesome and I'm sure they'd be mortified if they realised that I'd felt left out.

You know though, they should be mortified. They will at least have seen your post above so why that didn't kick them into gear I don't know. You're going to have to be more direct (but do it when you're feeling better). You have nothing to lose x

KC225 · 10/07/2017 21:26

I know this is going to go against all the 'sisters doing it for themselves' brigade but is there any chance of your DH contacting the lady from the Wednesday group and saying, you have had a transfusion and feeling a bit low and you were really upset to read the post and see the night out and you feel so alone that you want to move. If you are a bit shy, maybe you have been overlooked or they think perhaps you are quite private. If it comes from a third party they may feel less defensive.

liquidrevolution · 10/07/2017 21:26

Have a 3 year old and have struggled to make friends as well. I work fortunately otherwise I would go mad.

I wonder if you are like me and slightly more reserved so it is difficult to make that leap from general chit chat to swapping numbers and arranging meet ups? I am an introvert and tend to hide.

DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 10/07/2017 21:28

If I lived anywhere near the arse end of Kent I'd hang out with you! (I'm up north). I also spent ages making friends. My daughter was about 2 before I got past chats at baby groups to actually meeting up with anyone. And anaemia will always make you feel rotten and everything seem worse.

Julia001 · 10/07/2017 21:29

Hi, you poor thing, no wonder you feel so dreadful , MN is bloody wonderful, also (dare I mention it ) FB has a group called the Motherload, just like Mumsnetters they are all super supportive and I bet there are some Molos not too far from you, hope you feel better soon Flowers and Gin for you xx

Alittlepotofrosie · 10/07/2017 21:29

I think you could get away with assuming that the message about Wednesday mornings was also meant for you. I would message her and say you saw her post and that you have a 1 year old and is it ok if you pop along too? Keep it light and breezy.

Youve got absolutely nothing to lose. Alternatively are there any Home-Start type things in your area that run babygroups?

Headofthehive55 · 10/07/2017 21:32

Keep trying. IT takes a long time (have done several moves up and down the country).

Ideas.
Could you invite some round to yours for coffee? The Wednesday woman? Try to assemble a group.
Volunteer at brownies /Cubs/ rainbows
Make small talk to some one new each day if you can. At school pick up. Even if it's which child is yours? Have you any other children?

Is there a Zumba class etc?

Headofthehive55 · 10/07/2017 21:32

Keep trying. IT takes a long time (have done several moves up and down the country).

Ideas.
Could you invite some round to yours for coffee? The Wednesday woman? Try to assemble a group.
Volunteer at brownies /Cubs/ rainbows
Make small talk to some one new each day if you can. At school pick up. Even if it's which child is yours? Have you any other children?

Is there a Zumba class etc?

GloriaV · 10/07/2017 21:36

I think I would approach the Wednesday lady on her own and say you saw the facebook comment and you'd love to come too, she would have to be pretty hard faced to say no, in fact I'm sure she'll say yes.
And I'm not sure they'd be mortified that you've been left out, they might just assume you are normally busy with other stuff. I think we believe we are more noticed by other people than we actually are, not because they are disinterested, but just busy with their own stuff.

228agreenend · 10/07/2017 21:37

Hi, I know how,you feel regarding having feeling tearful in hospital.

I had an op in October and was last on the list. I was happily watching tv (and looking forward to watching Lovejoy Hmm) when they closed the waiting room as the nurses had finished their shift, and moved me to a ward. I felt very isolated and alone, and admit, shed a few tears.

I'm also in Kent. PM me. I don't know if I'm near you or not.

Karramaboo · 10/07/2017 21:40

Flowers for you OP. I'm shy too and have moved loads. It took me absolutely years to get to know people. I had a really solid group of friends at secondary school and making friends was easy at uni too but adulthood is so much harder. I've moved every 2 years due to dh's work which hasn't helped either so totally get it. More Flowers and hope you get that anaemia dealt with, that would make anyone feel miserable. x

TattyCat · 10/07/2017 21:43

I just find it bloody exhausting (probably made worse by anaemia)

definitely made worse by anaemia. You're run down, so of course things will feel 10x more difficult.

Is there someone you could 'confide' in that you're finding it difficult to slot in? I know that I'm not always sensitive to people who are a little shy (as you described yourself) BUT if they were to give me a hint that they're struggling, I'd go out of my way to make that person feel more comfortable. It may just be that people assume that you're confident but don't want to partake of what's going on. Taking a deep breath and 'confessing' to feeling sidelined or a bit vulnerable is OK, it really is. Most people will want to help and if they don't then they are not people you want to spend time with anyway.

It's not easy and it takes time, so be kind to yourself.

Flowers
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 10/07/2017 21:43

I want to give you the biggest hug. I could have written your post when we moved here. Moved with three school age kids, for two years I would drop them off at school come home and sit alone until pick up time. When dd was born I did the baby group thing to no avail. It wasn't till she started playgroup that I found friends. It's blooming hard op and especially when you are ill (anaemia makes you feel especially rubbish). I'm not the most confident but how about saying "I'm going for a coffee, anyone fancy one?" You will find friends, honest.

ParadiseCity · 10/07/2017 21:43

Oh OP. Get back to being sweary. Start a womens group called Kent Cunts. Only brilliant people would go to that trust me. Flowers

TattyCat · 10/07/2017 21:45

And most importantly, they don't know you, so they can't have any opinion of you. So you're not being 'not invited' because of that! They just haven't realised that you're fabulous yet Grin!

Ironmanrocks · 10/07/2017 21:48

I wish I lived near you too. I did the same, moved away from everything I knew for dp's job. We live in the middle of nowhere and sometimes I would see no-one for days. There were limited baby groups and I tried them all, people used to stare as I walked in and then carry on their own conversations and ignore me. I hated it. So I found a part time job and put DS in preschool. I met more people that way. I then joined the committee. I then invited people to mine for coffee and arranged picnics/lunches out. I was lucky in that one mum spoke to me wherever i went and kept me vaguely sane. Hang in there, it does get better but like others have said, try and arrange coffee or a park trip yourself. Good luck.xx

CoolCarrie · 10/07/2017 21:50

Go on Wednesday to the mums group at the woman's house, knock on the door, take a deep breath and go for it! I am sure you will be made welcome. Take care of yourself OP.

2017SoFarSoGood · 10/07/2017 21:53

OP my heart breaks for you. I had horrible anaemia and literally did not have the energy to hold a cup. Everything felt so much harder (and was!) until it was fixed. Once you get your strength back, why don't you plan something that you can invite folks to - a picnic, a walk or whatever. It does not have to be at your house - not in competition with Wednesday Woman, but it will show people you want to be involved. You can then show your real self - and do not be afraid to do that. You sound just lovely. I'd be delighted if you moved near me.